Love Hurts

Dear Adam and Tony.  What do you do when love hurts as much as it feels good? I’ve fallen in love with someone that lives 2 hours away. When I get to see him, about once a week, I am the happiest I can be. But when I am not with him and we aren’t talking on the phone, I feel depressed. I get paranoid that he might stop liking me. Is it worth dealing with this pain to be with someone I feel I love? You have truly inspired me knowing that two men can stay partners for such a long time. Congrats, and thanks!! David.

Adam:
Your description of the sweet pain that being in love brings will ring true with anyone who has ever experienced the joy of that first flush of love.  You touch on the craziness being in love causes.  I would say it’s very much worth the pain; live in it and enjoy it.  But as you get used to the feeling, and to each other, you will face two challenges: continuing to enjoy life when you’re not with your boyfriend, and trusting yourself and him that the relationship you share is paramount to both of you.

Tony:
I wholeheartedly agree with Adam.  It’s definitely worth going through it to work out whether such a great relationship will last for the long haul.  I need to be a bit harder though, and also urge you, as time goes on and your feelings settle down, to make sure you enjoy yourself enough, and are sufficiently in love with yourself that you can cope on your own!  We all in the end have to be able to be on our own, even in a relationship. 

Adam:
The intensity of the feelings you and your boyfriend share will change over time.  As this happens, so you need to trust that he loves you, and that you love him.  This means more than just feeling in love, it means doing things for and with each other.  Helping him to move house, for example.  To build a long-lasting relationship, you’ve got to remember that really loving someone is less about how you feel, and more about what you do.  What practical, helpful thing can you do in the coming week to show how much you love him?

Tony:
Adam and I have realized over the years the sheer, wonderful, deep joy of being with each other is built on us being not ONE inseparable couple, but TWO individuals who share each other in deep ways.  Do all you can to make it work with your new love, David, go for it with all your heart and soul.  But remember also to make time for yourself alone, and all that your life is as the unique person that you are, with all your gifts and talents.  May you love yourself, love him, and flourish as one, and as two!

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com