Dating Bradford: That Something Special

“How was your date last night?” Asked Griffen, over Pad Thai at Vynl in Hells Kitchen.

“It went well I guess,” I said “I mean, he was fun, and handsome, and sweet with a great body. He just left my apartment before I came to meet you for dinner – a real power bottom if the truth be told.”

“Oh!” Gasped Griffen’s mom Kate, who’d joined us for an early bite before their seven o’clock showing of Wicked at The Gershwin, “It really must have gone well if he spent the night and then some. I hope he didn’t spill the poppers all over your chiropractic neck-pillow like the last one.” We all laughed. We tell Kate everything as she’s a ripened fruit-fly from way back. “Will you see him again?”

“Honestly Kate” I said, “Probably not. He wants too but... I just don’t feel it.”

“You boys are so fickle” she said, “You say you want a boyfriend and then you get one who’s interested and throw him away with the used condoms.”

“It’s not that” I said, “I just don’t feel that...that something special.”

My conversation with Kate prompted me to ponder why is it that I’m holding out for a feeling that may never come? Is this a fantasy I’m trying to live into? Or am I just being an unrealistic romantic?

It’s hard to hold out for elusive emotions when someone you’re dating may have all the other ingredients you think you want.

“I had the same thing happen,” said Writer Ralph the next night at Rebecca’s going away party on the Penthouse terrace of the new Cooper Square Hotel. “I dated this girl for three months who had it all - everything I was looking for - but then I dumped her for one who’s pure trouble. We fight all the time but the make-up sex is insane. Relationships aren’t like running a company where - if you have a strong team, and make the right decisions - you know the company will grow. Industry can be mapped and predicted, but love... Well, love is a messy business.”

The whole thing makes me wonder; in an era of failing finance, why am I investing in a long-shot? This mojo-magic doesn’t come around too often. I’ve had it with all four of my ex-boyfriends so I know it’s possible, but I’ve been single for four years now. How long should I hold out?

For that matter, how much time and energy should I put into dating someone who I don’t feel the spark for? Two dates? Four dates? Should I prefer pondering my predicament to playing with a placeholder? I know plenty of couples who started out as friends and never expected to be sexual but their romance evolved over time.

But Eeewww! I don’t want to fuck my friends, yuck!

If I want to fuck someone I feel it right away. In fact I think you can get a better sense of who someone is through fucking than all the precursor emails, and texts, and phone conversations and meet-and-greet dates you could ever have. I mean let's get real, all the shared common interests come to naught if you aren't sexually compatible, but maybe that's just me. However, even great sex doesn't mean he's special.

I don't base my evaluations on the act itself - because the first couple times can be awkward till you get you mutual groove on - it’s more the entire intimate experience that I go by. For instance, some guys hit the disconnect switch right after they come, but warm up over time. And some guys are all cuddles-and-grins-and-everyone-wins but you just never feel it for them.

So I ask you:
When a feeling so fleeting seems so superficial, how long will YOU hold out for that something special?

(Photo: Iris Crawford - Shot in Montauk, NY)

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Based in New York City, Bradford Noble has been an international celebrity, fashion, and advertising photographer for 15 years. His first novel called, "Dating Bradford - A Memoir" is soon to be published. Still curious? Dive into his world!

Comments

[Wyatt1969again]

Hmmm…

First things first - well - kinda like that anyway - I just woke up and read your latest contro’ (note: I’ve decided the word “contro” in my latest sling of sycophantic slang - no just kidding - I do - of course - really enjoy your - well - uh - contro’(s)? - LOL ).

So anyway - love the glasses and really really love the view (Is that up north somewhere? Hmmm - maybe far far farther away?)

And…

Ever try Chicken Adobo (don’t know if I spelled that right - dang) ? It’s usually served over rice. Long ago I waited tables at a Philipino joint in downtown Seattle. Those were in fact the - daze on the dizzle (and no I wont say “my nizzle” because as much as I know if we met it would be “fo shizzle” - well - I just don’t think “nizzle” is an appropriate word LOL) Sorry - can you tell I’m starved for intelligent convo?

So anyway - I loved working at that place - I got to wear hot pants and some skimpy apron - I was all sorts of green - tight bodied and nice legs for days - and there was absolutely no shortage of Police Officers whom would sit for lunch (since they were right next door - to the west anyway across the street). All I can say is - OUCH! PAPI OUCH!

And yes - they can keep a secret LOL - which is O.K. if they aren’t married.

So back to the holding out thing…

Alas I have kicked Mr. Avionics to the curb as if I were to hold my breath any longer -fuck it I know I would be dead. Shitty huh?

Oddly - the RPG guru looks like the flower I have become most preoccupied with these days. And that is difficult.

Why you ask? Hmmm - it’s complicated - but essentially its like this: When we first met - we made love for about three days. It was fan-fucking-tastic. And then - he tripped - said he wasn’t Gay at all - but that he loved me. Yes I know -I know - I fucking super know.

What - Wyatt (sic) were and are you thinking?

So here is my point…

For me anyway - to make love is all sorts of different. I mean - well - its way too deep emotionally for some I guess - I just don’t always know and I hate it/that (the not knowing).

When you lay next to someone after making love to and with them all night and all morning and it really is raining outside and you really do just look down at them and brush your thumb along side their/his hair and really do look deeply into his eyes and slowly kiss him - smell him - well what can I say?

You may be setting yourself up for some serious disappointment.

But how can you not do this? How can you not try? How the fuck can you just see ahead of time that it’s all but a rickety cracker jack box of a scheme which will yield very little in terms of long lasting satisfaction?

How indeed.

I’ve decided that I will hold out for true Love until I am dead.

Fuck it.

If that means ten trips to hell and back with RPG then so be it.

If I see Mr. Avionics again - what will I do?

Probably forgive him long enough for a roll in the sack - telling myself some dumb shit like - maybe this time!

Lame I know - as I know better.

But I have said this in many ways before…

Love - and the pursuit of therein - even with it’s sometimes ardent illusion otherwise known as Glamour - is in fact worth walking over hot coals for - time and time again.

The trick?

Hmmm…

I don’t always know but I bet I’ll do this until my feet are gone and all I can do is gallop as if running on stilts and when that’s no longer possible - brah I’ll be rollin in a chair.

Wyatt

PS -

Ever seen the movie - Boxing Helena (think that’s how its spelled)? With my luck that’s how it’ll play out for me LOL - I wont have a fucking limb left except for my dick (of course all men like to think of it as a limb LOL) by the time I do meet Mr. Right - and then we’ll just lay there together - like two fucking weeble wobbles with no lead weights (smile).

Now aint that a bitch!?!

W

[Jared]

I just disagree on a small issue.. Sometime first time sex can be super insane and hot.

When i first went out with my boyfriend of the past 8 months it ended in crazy sex that went on and off till morning..

Ive been really happy with him for the last 8 months and we work together really well, but that still was some of the, if not the, hottest sex weve ever had and well both admit that.

[Brazen]

I think it has as much to do with timing as chemistry and common interests/values. I'm reminded of something said in an article I read recently:

"Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down."

Many of us believe that gay men fall into a spectrum between the two. I'm inclined to agree that our desires and behaviors lie somewhere in-between.

Example: I've been having great sex with this incredibly handsome, sophisticated, interesting man on and off for several months. But we have yet to translate it into something more significant, though there's interest by both parties.

Why? I can list several reasons -- but it essentially boils down to both timing and a desire to find the right man. Unfortunately, I think we confuse the issue, and mistakenly look for "something better", when we have the best right in front of us.