Ask Adam & Tony: Moving too fast

Dear Adam & Tony, I was with this guy for 2 years until we broke up. There was a lot of hurt and anger and we didn’t talk much till recently.  Us being apart has made me think.  I realize that when we got together we moved WAY too fast.  We both realize that.  Anyway, we’ve been talking a little, hanging out, and last week he stayed the night.  We both agree that we don’t want things to be like they were.  But, how do I get over the past hurt and deception? I truly love this guy. He’s probably the first person that I have really been truly in love with. Any advice?

Adam:
I’m glad you’ve acknowledged you need to move more slowly this time round because building trust again with someone you’ve been hurt by takes time, and the will of both parties. The starting point for building trust is truthfulness.  Be truthful with your boyfriend about what matters to you, how you spend your time and what your expectations of the relationship are.  The more truly yourself you can be in your dealings with him, the more rapidly you’ll build up that trust between you.

Tony:
And talk about that past hurt and deception that you clearly still feel.  Find a time and a way to tell him, gently and without being judgmental, how you see what happened, and how it made you feel.  Make sure you explain this is your perception of events, and your honest explanation of the effect it all had on you.  Ask him about his perceptions and feelings about that same time and what happened.  And be sure to LISTEN to him as he does this.

Adam:
There’s something self-fulfilling about trust.  The surest way I know to undermine a relationship is to convince yourself that you can’t trust your boyfriend.  On the other hand, if you decide you can trust him, you empower him and strengthen the bond between you.  If you want to learn to trust him, behave as if you already do.  This will make him feel more trustworthy, which in turn will make it more likely that he’ll do and say the things he’s said he would.

Tony:
One final thing about will: you don’t have to dwell on past hurts.  You can decide to move on.  Acknowledge what happened and the emotions it caused.  But then you have to stand firm in the present, forgive where you have to, and move on. Yes, take it slow; allow him to show how you he loves you.  And talk; talk about things, don’t let anything fester.  If you do truly love him as much as you say you do, you will do this.  We wish you years of the deepest love and respect together.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com