Ask Zax: Neg for POZ?

Dear Todd,

I met this cool guy. We’d been chatting online for months now, and today we finally hung out. It was a very pleasant day and we spent 9 hours together. The date ended with us pretty much making out. Since it was apparent we were on the road to much sexier things, I stopped and asked him, “Are you safe and clean?” He was hesitant at first, but then told me that he was HIV positive.

I didn’t freak out and run away because I know it must of been hard for him to be honest and tell me—which I really admire—so we spent the rest of the night watching a movie, making out some more, and cuddling. Then before I went home he asked if I was going to see him again, and I said sure.

Now, I don't know what to think. He's an amazing guy, very nice, super attractive, and so kind. Everything was so right until now. I know he doesn't want my pity, but I still feel horrible for both of us. I don't want to be that person who judges or places a stigma on someone because he’s HIV positive, but I also don't want to put myself at risk. I mean, STI’s are pretty much the main reason I’ve been so strong willed in not being promiscuous and been single for so long.

24 hours ago I know exactly what I’d tell someone else in my situation, “get out.” I know you can't decide for me what to do, but I was hoping you could offer some guidance with this. What do you think?

(Signed)
Sad and Pensive

Dear SAP, (sorry couldn’t resist the acronym)

I struggle with your predicament all the time but in reverse. Being HIV POZ cripples me socially because I don’t like to sleep with someone without telling them, but when I do I get mixed reactions.

In my case, I feel more comfortable dating POZ guys because—being newly diagnosed—I still have fear about spreading HIV, and FEAR is the root of our problem. The problem is NOT actually spreading the disease because we all know safe sex, the problem is being afraid of it.

I asked my friend Tim Horn (Editor-In-Chief of AIDSmeds.com) for his opinion since Tim is POZ and his partner of 8 years is not. Tim says:

"Forget about the virus for a second and think about the guy who’s living with it. Is he looking for pity? Does he seem to be in denial or ashamed of his infection? Or does he seem confident with his status, fully in charge of his health and open to discussing and negotiating safer sex? If he's the latter, open and honest communication squelches fear very quickly—that, and taking the time to teach yourself that HIV is neither transmitted as easy as many think, and that it's hardly the grim death sentence it once was."

Personally, I always say if you want to avoid getting involved into a serodiscordant situation (when two people have different HIV sero-status) then ask about it in your initial correspondence before you’re emotionally invested. And the same goes for POZ people who—like me—might be afraid of rejection. However, since you’re already somewhat invested (you like the guy) then you have to weigh the odds.

Everyone has doubts in dating scenarios. Dating is a precarious business. Yes HIV is a bigger issue to deal with—especially if you haven’t ever done so, but in general it’s only one element.

What I’ve found is this: Sometimes a NEG guy will date me because he wants to prove to himself that he’s mature enough to do such a thing. Often he won’t be a repeat, but then many POZ guys aren’t either.

In your case, aside from his HIV, it seems like all lights are green. I mean come on, how often does a first date go so well that it lasts 9 hours and includes two meals and a movie with kissing and cuddling? That’s pretty rare. So ask yourself when was the last time you had this happen and decide if you’re willing to wait for it to happen again with someone else – who ALSO might be POZ by the way.

When I was NEG I too would say, “Sure I can date a POZ guy” but in the end I would find reasons why he wasn’t right for me. It’s so easy to find reasons not to date someone. This went on until one day I had to face that the only reason I could find not to date this one guy was because he was POZ. That’s when I came to grips with the fact that I couldn’t deal with my fear of HIV.

Eventually we all have to come to grips with our fear about HIV and own it. What you do with it is the tricky part. It’s okay to be scared. Perhaps it will strengthen your resolve to always play safe, but it shouldn’t stop you from playing with or loving someone who might be POZ. It’s also okay NOT to date someone because you can’t deal with HIV. People might say I’m full of shit for saying so, but whose life is it anyway?

And, it’s ALSO okay to go into a new relationship with your fear on the table and ask this new guy to help you work through it. If he’s smart, he will see how much you’re willing to cope with for him and he’ll work that much harder to be a good boyfriend. Sometimes POZ guys value relationships more than NEG guys, I know I would because being single sucks – but then it sucked when I was NEG too. Maybe if I had someone to help me though my own fear like my friend Tim does, I’d could dispel it as I hope you might be able to.

So if you really like this guy and are willing to stand up to your demons (not everyone can) I say give it a try and see if you can get past your fear. If you can’t deal, then you know your answer and can avoid this situation in the future. If you CAN however, then you’ll be a stronger person and maybe a better boyfriend because of it.

If you have a question to ASK ZAX, send us an email to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Kevin]

Sad and Pensive and Todd:

I have also been in a relationship with a Pos Husband for the past almost Eight Yrs. He was up front and confident about his status and I surprised him. I did not run for the nearest exit or in the other direction. I stood right there and told him that I know that if we are to do anything that we needed to take procaution. And we did take caution and we have been together ever since. I am neg. It did scare him and still does that he is afraid of infecting me. But we still have fun without the sex. If you find that you have more interestes than sex, then why cut yourself off at the knees and heart. Talk things out first. If you and He can put up with each other and even outside interference then it could be possibly for the two of you to be together. Do not give up on TRUE LOVE.
If parents and friends do not understand then be willing to teach them UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. But be willing to lose friends, if they can not get over it. We both lost friends but also gained respect for each other. If you need to talk let me know. I will be willing to listen and possible give you some more advice.

[Mr Mann]

Nope, I'll pass on true love. To paraphrase the old saying, it's just as easy to fall in love with someone of the same status as it is to fall in love with someone who isn't. (Old saying was 'rich man' and 'poor man.') I walked into a party recently and there was electricity between me and this guy. He asked if I was married or single - before asking me my name. When we found out that we were serodissident - I was awkward, but he told me right off it wouldn't work. He'd already been in one relationship like that and it wasn't fair to the negative person.
A negative friend of dated a poz guy for four years. He said that it was terrible sexually - he had to give head with a condom. And if you're the monogomous type, a lifetime of a mouthful of latex is hardly a dream come true.

[Ken]

I've been HIV positive for about 5 years now and believe it or not, I can understand your feelings. The thing is, like Zax said is to know what your feelings about this issue really are. If you cannot deal it and the fear of being infected is too strong then act according in the future. Make sure to inquire about a person's status during the initial contact before you become emotional invested. I too, have had HIV negative guys date me and often it seems as if they're trying to prove to themselves that they're in-touch, modern, mature enough to date a poz guy. In those cases, I'd rather they not use me to prove something to themselves. Good luck and don't feel bad about what you decide, it is your life after all.