Ask Adam & Tony: Closet Love

"Dear Adam & Tony, I wonder if there is any help on being in love with someone who is straight? I'm currently still in the closet, but I am truly in love with one of my best friends. He's straight, or at least I think he is, and I don't know how to handle it.  I don't want to lose him as a friend, but it's hard to keep pretending. What can I do?  Steve"

Tony:

Best friend. Straight.  In love.  Closet.  Steve, you’re not making this easy on yourself, are you?  But these feelings are real and intense, and you clearly need to know what he thinks.  First, what about you?  If you are his best friend, what are you prepared to risk in telling him how you feel about him?  If he’s your best friend, is he that good a friend that he will react positively to your being honest with him?  And what if he rejects your approaches and honesty: can you take that?  Think on these things first before you decide how to act.

Adam:
It’s a painful delight to be in love with someone who is so unobtainable, isn’t it?  When he doesn’t know, and your love for him is secret, the feelings are all the more intense.  But sometimes the power these feelings have over us comes precisely from the fact that they are hidden.  At the moment you’re in the closet.  You’re used to things being secret.  I would urge you to take that first step, and if your friend is indeed your best friend, take the risk of telling him that you’re gay.

Tony:
Choose the right space and time, and let him know gently that you want to share something intimate and special about the friendship you have together.  Tell him how much his friendship means to you, and that because of that, you want, you need to tell him that you are gay. His reaction to that will tell you everything about whether or not you should go on to tell him how you really feel about him.  Take that easy, one step at a time.  But, no matter what happens to your relationship with your friend, you WILL feel better about being open and honest about who you really are.  He should be privileged to have such a friend.

Adam:
If he reacts positively to the news that you’re gay, good.  It may be that he shares your feelings, and this will take your friendship on to a new level.  If he doesn’t react well, you may have to move on at least for a while; sometimes people need time to get used to news of this type, and given time, he may appreciate your honesty and integrity.  Whatever happens, life is too short to waste precious months of your life with fantasy relationships.  Take the risk of moving from fantasy to reality.  And may the fruits be sweet.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Rick Lopez]

I agree wholeheartedly. It's best first to test the waters with an open, honest coming-out to that person in a private place, when you have the time, privacy (straight guys or closeted guys act more honestly in alone situations; don't be anywhere TOO alone though, if he's a jerk that could be dangerous), and hopefully this is someone you consider a REAL friend. His answer will give you some insight if you should admit you are 'starting to have feelings for him', especially if he admits he is gay or is curious, or has wondered, etc.

[LJK Setright]

Why not act like the cliche, self-loathing, homo and try to "turn" him? You can be like all the gay porn sites and profiles on gay.com where guys get engaged in full on sex with each other and then still classify themselves as being "straight."

Alternatively, since you've already acknowledged your friend is straight, you can do the grown up thing and simply respect that and find someone else who is also gay to be with.

[G]

Go with him somewhere that's a mixed crowd like a metro young hip bar/club or movies, whatever and start up a conversation about a cute gay couple and say you know...have you ever kinda wondered what it might be like to be with a guy even though I know you're straight and I'm not saying your gay or nothing.

[Boyet]

oh! love, unrequited! the most passionate of all! (^_^)

[hef]

i am actually in this exact situation...except he (the straight guy?) and i kinda got drunk started to give each other back and extreme lower back massages which he then wanted to take into the shower, and i for some reason said no... wish i could take that back. this has been eating away at me for at least a year.. we both "joke" around with each other,but we say were straight i just got out of a 6 mo long relationship with a girl, but i think i might be in love with him! so what do you think...is he bi could or if i tell him my feelings could i end up with a broken heart?

[Torontotigs]

I think the situation isn't so cut and dry and we often can be selfish with our feelings and our "gayness".

You need to put yourself in his position. If he is your best friend then you should also have a pretty good idea how he would react.

If you don't, aside from thinking just how close your friendship really is, then the "plan" should be simple...

I think it's best to come out of the closet first. If not to everybody, then just to him. Get settled into knowing you are not hiding your sexuality (at least from him but ideally from everybody).

That should give you some indication how you friend feels about you being gay at least. I'm also betting there is a 100% chance he will have a million questions and one of those questions might just be "Are you attracted to me?".

Step lightly and go slow. I've seen too many friends play the "run don't walk" game with straight friends and it has consistently been tragic at the end of it.

Keep it simple. Tell him your gay. That's a good start. Then pace yourself after that. Let him get used to it and make sure he's really cool with it. I bet it might take some time for him and there will definitely be some adjustment.

If you're really in love with him, then there is no need to rush right? Remember "walk" don't run.

[Marc]

Keep your mouth shut and keep a great friendship.

[Jon]

I was in the same exact place before I came out. I had to come to terms with myself basically because I was in love with my best friend - not "bromance" love but romantic love. That was 28 years ago. Coming out was a little bit scarrier then, better than the past, but the climate is more accepting today. I think you need to come out to your friend. He may end up being a jerk. In that case, maybe he really isn't your best friend. I know the feeling of wishing and hoping someone you're in love with, who seems to be straight just might be... As a good friend yourself you have to make sure that you're not projecting your desires onto him. That's a rule you'll have to follow even after you come out and start hanging out with other gay people. Since I came out, some of my best friends have been cool straight guys. We had common interests and passion and just clicked as friends: it felt like we were brothers. I could totally be myself and he could as well. If the wish can't come true, but the guy is cool and still ends up being your best friend, don't knock it. It's a different kind of love, but love's a good thing. I've talked to a few guys who came out to their best friend, and found that their best friend was on the same wavelength. Maybe you'll be lucky. I wouldn't count on it. Whatever the outcome, make sure that you be the good friend as well and respect who he is and his needs.

[daft_hfx]

keep your mouth shut. not all str8 friends like finding out their buds suck dick. i assume you're straight acting, which is the best way to be. if you were femme, he wouldn't be your friend. dudes like men who are men!

[Jose]

I am in the same boat ( in a huge closet inside a vault). I have a friend/co-worker and i think am in love with him. Not easy to be able to tell someone str8 that you like him. I am sure if i tell him i'm gonna be putting a wall between us so i guess i will keep my feelings for myself.
Good luck with your decision

[sanjsesucks]

remember a few years back when that one gay guy told his best straight best friend he was in love with him on a tv show? the straight guy killed the gay guy. Straight is straight cant change it.

[Pete]

With all the gay people in the freaking world you can fall in love with, you've to fall in love with a straight man (assume he's really straight)?? In life there're certain things you can get but there're also certain things you can't get, so it's best to put effort in those things that you can get, rather than putting stress onto yourself trying to get those things that you can't have. That means put more energy and effort on knowing more gay men, you'll feel much better.

[Christopher]

Oh Geeze. How much space do I have? I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was a late fall evening, and I was waiting at the end of a sidewalk for my parents to pick me up after a ball game, just minding my own business, when I heard this voice say beside me, "You ever had a girl go down on you like a Popsicle?" I turned to see this boy standing beside me, rocking on his heals. Couldn't believe anyone would say such a thing to me. I was totally repulsed by him. So this guy eventually becomes my best friend. I had it easy though. I had fallen for the drum major, so when I finally, after some major depression (no pun intended) was pressed hard enough by my best friend as to what was wrong, I told him.

Maybe it was because the object of my affections wasn't my best friend that things worked out the way they did. I don't know, but within a years time I'd forgotten about the handsome boy on the box, and discovered that I was (and am) truly in love with my best friend. So we had that discussion too. It's been better than 20 years now. He's widowed and engaged to another (a very nice lady I must say) with a son. And I still love him. I guess the point to all this is that love itself is something else, but I think for me, I'd have never really understood it's true depths without my straight best friend. It's easy to love someone who can love you back in the same way. He loves me in every way that he can, and I him. There just aren't words. So, it may not turn out as you would hope, but that doesn't mean that it won't exceed your wildest dreams. I hope you're well,

Christopher

[John]

Yeah, its like you know you can't sing yet you want to be The American Idol, thus making a fool of yourself and consequently be heartbroken.

[php_guru]

Lol -- there's only one thing to do when you find yourself falling in love with a straight guy... get a grip and move on before you end up HURTING YOURSELF any further. Is this really a question... um.

[michael]

I to was in this situation more than once, but I never told the guys how I felt. As the friendship I thought would never be the same again.
These guys iwent to elementry through high school together , they're married and thier kids andwives love me as if I am family. So that makes me happy.

[Glenn, Texas]

How many times do we need to go over the same, tired old stories ???????

[lolz]

There's many, many, many great single gay guys who are obviously not straight, but are the dreaded term "straight-acting" (sorry if that offends anybody). Get to know some of them and save yourself a lot of agonizing sleepless nights. Easier said than done? Yes sirree. But take it from someone who's had a few straight crushes. It ain't worth it!

[John]

It's totally possible for a "straight" guy to return your feelings. It happened in two of my relationships, where we were friends that assumed the other was straight. I came out to them, and in each case, a week or two would pass and then they would admit feelings too. There are lots of gay or bi guys that just need a little help from their friends in coming out.

But if he is straight, respect this. Most straight guys I know are flattered when a gay guy has a crush on them. A compliment is a compliment, not matter which locker room is comes from.

[mike]

Please don't do it. I'm in love with my straight best friend.. he knows it.. things have happened, but you know what? it'll never be what i need or what or deserve. EVER! in fact, he's already started resenting me because he can't accept his own feelings. It's best to realize there are people out there who you will be compatible with and who will be able to love you back without it being this hard. It's YOU who is contemplating this... if he has feelings for you I can assure you he knows your gay and he likes the attention you give him.. Reality is though. He most likely just gets off on the attention you're giving, and he'll never be gay. Don't hurt yourself. Let love happen with someone who can and wants to return it!

[B]

This was me...and still is...sorta. I remember when I came out to the friend that I really liked and told him that I liked him too. He was the only reason I didn't come out sooner...I just had to work up the nerve to tell him. He was mad...mad that I had lied to him. Anyone could have guessed that I liked him if they thought I was gay too... We ended up talking for hours, way into the morning until we were both falling asleep. Years later, he's now my best friend, we talk constantly, he's still straight, and I'm more in love with him than ever...

[MJ]

Damn! I'm in the same position if not worse. I've been madly in love with my str8 friend for 6 years. We fool around with each other a lot. He's my bestfriend and everything in my life... literally everything. I came out to him a year ago with the thought that he would be ok with it and he was ok with it. We're still friends to these days but I've never told him I'm in love with him from day one. He usually gives me mix signals like one minute he cares so much about me and acting like he were my bf and other minute he is like acting so manly and stuff. He secretly recorded me naked in the shower once and begged me not to delete it, tried to make a sexual contact with me many times (I thought he was joking though). I did ask me if I was attracted to him but he sounded like he was joking so I pretended he wasn't my type. He's very good looking, european tall blond hair green eyes still he rarely talks about girls or goes out with one. Do you think he's gay? I'm scared of losing him and at the same time everyday of my life I feel like shit because I wanted him to love me too. What should I do?

[SA]

I have a best friend who always says its OK to be gay!! Is this cause he knows something I don't want to say to him? But I get this feeling that he says this for a reason? He's straight! Could it be that he has something else to say about himself that I'm not catching?

[CD]

OMG, I'm in this exact situation and I've been looking for answers. Chatrooms just make fun of me and I couldn't find a real serious advice. I met this guy 3 years ago at the gym and got attracted to him at that instance because he was just damn goodlooking. It kept me interested in befriending him. Since then we kept seeing each other at the gym and that led to us hanging out. At first I thought he might be gay but the more I hangout with him the more I get to know how straight he is. We've been movie buds, we've gone out of town so many times. He knows I'm straight too but sometimes I think he knew I might be gay because he would joke around with it. There was one time I told him I might be in love and then he replied "what's his name?" and laughed. Anyways, I fantasize bout him a lot. Ive seen him unintentionally naked at the gym, whenever we go out of town and share a room, he walks around in his underwear but never got naked in front of me. he would always go to the bathroom to get dressed. That alone made me think that he is really indeed straight, of course other than the fact that he looks at girls and are dating some. It kills me seeing how hot he is but couldnt do anything bout it or have him. I always buy him the best gifts on special occassions hoping that would make me a lot special for him. i just want that attention from him which he gives on and off. sometimes he's the one initiating to watch a movie and stuff and that makes my day, other times he's just way too busy to hang out in which i would feel neglected. whenever he talks bout girls, i pretend to be happy and encouraging him but deep inside, im jealous and i imagine all these stuff he would do to the girl but not with me. i hate these feelings and i just wish there's a drug i could take so i can just completely forget about him. i tried deleting his number, his text messages, everything. but i end up putting it back once i hear a call from him or get a message from him. i want us to be friends forever but i dunno how ill be able to handle my feelings. im so attracted to him that i dont even care to look at other guys. if i try, i would always compare these guys with him and he always wins by a mile. I hate this.

[CD]

I also want to add that he never made a move on me (how I wish he would). We don't have that "we both got drunk and forgot bout our inhibitions and gave each other a massage and one thing led to another" story. How I wish we had that. He gets drunk but he just sleeps it away. He knows his alcohol limit and I have never seen him gone crazy or play around as some other straight guys without inhibitions could possibly do. Upto this point, i have no idea how he would react if i tell him. im just not ready to lose him. 3 years knowing and hangin out with him is a lot of time for me to be just forgotten. but i know it's not helping me move on with these feelings i have for him.

[CD]

OMG, I'm in this exact situation and I've been looking for answers. Chatrooms just make fun of me and I couldn't find a real serious advice. I met this guy 3 years ago at the gym and got attracted to him at that instance because he was just damn goodlooking. It kept me interested in befriending him. Since then we kept seeing each other at the gym and that led to us hanging out. At first I thought he might be gay but the more I hangout with him the more I get to know how straight he is. We've been movie buds, we've gone out of town so many times. He knows I'm straight too but sometimes I think he knew I might be gay because he would joke around with it. There was one time I told him I might be in love and then he replied "what's his name?" and laughed. Anyways, I fantasize bout him a lot. Ive seen him unintentionally naked at the gym, whenever we go out of town and share a room, he walks around in his underwear but never got naked in front of me. he would always go to the bathroom to get dressed. That alone made me think that he is really indeed straight, of course other than the fact that he looks at girls and are dating some. We don't have that "we both got drunk and forgot bout our inhibitions and gave each other a massage and one thing led to another" story. How I wish we had that. He gets drunk but he just sleeps it away. He knows his alcohol limit and I have never seen him gone crazy or play around as some other straight guys without inhibitions could possibly do. It kills me seeing how hot he is but couldnt do anything bout it or have him. I always buy him the best gifts on special occassions hoping that would make me a lot special for him. i just want that attention from him which he gives on and off. sometimes he's the one initiating to watch a movie and stuff and that makes my day, other times he's just way too busy to hang out in which i would feel neglected. whenever he talks bout girls, i pretend to be happy and encouraging him but deep inside, im jealous and i imagine all these stuff he would do to the girl but not with me. i hate these feelings and i just wish there's a drug i could take so i can just completely forget about him. i tried deleting his number, his text messages, everything. but i end up putting it back once i hear a call from him or get a message from him. i want us to be friends forever but i dunno how ill be able to handle my feelings. im so attracted to him that i dont even care to look at other guys. if i try, i would always compare these guys with him and he always wins by a mile. Upto this point, i have no idea how he would react if i tell him. im just not ready to lose him. 3 years knowing and hangin out with him is a lot of time for me to be just forgotten. but i know it's not helping me move on with these feelings i have for him. I hate this.

[Ken]

gawd, are you people all retarded? why would anyone fall for a straight person OF THE SAME SEX. no wonder gay men can't find lasting relationships with gay men. bi men have it so much better cause they can fall for women and just use guys for sex, and aren't stupid enough to fall in love with a straight male friend.
this is just lame.

[okiedokie]

okay..what if he's straight? you won't turn him into gay. You really need to get over this, it's hard to get over someone but even if you come out to him and he's straight then he won't fall for you.
Anyways you should do whatever your heart tells you, yah sounds cliche but we always know the answer from the very first beginning and we just push the pain trying to find excuses to make it last more.
Good luck

[Greg]

I'm in the exact same situation with my best friend of 3 years. First, I don't buy into that bs that "if he reacts negatively, then he isn't worth having as a friend." Putting myself in his shoes, I could hardly blame him.
The decision to tell or not to tell will depend partly on what you think his reaction will be. Take your cues and gauge how he reacts to gay topics in general. Just remember that people don't always follow the pattern. Some people who are ordinarily gay-friendly have a change of heart when they realize a friend or family member is gay. Some people do just the opposite. There is no sure-fire test.
More than anything, you have to decide what's more important to you. Honesty or your friendship? In a perfect world, you wouldn't have to choose, but welcome to reality.
In my situation, I opted for friendship. I've bonded with my friend tighter than with anyone else in my 28 years. Add to the mix that I'm not a people-person and I don't really get along with too many people - his friendship is the most important thing in my life.
It doesn't make things easier. I wonder all the time whether I made the right choice. But we can't read other people's minds and we can't predict the future. Decide what's important to you and think long and hard before you make a decision that you can't undo.

[Steve]

Ok, 35 yrs ago I had a best friend. We did everything together. We dated girls on double dates. We shared our feelings. We even worked together. We never had sex or anything even close. I am not sure that it was love, but there was a connection. He was my best man at the wedding. Just before walking out the door to the church he ask me not to do it.. he begged me to walk out the other door and leave with him, he was headed to fla on vacation. He said just take the other door.. the car is packed please dont do this. Talk about a shock... I still to this day do not know what he meant, or why it was that he didnt want me to get married. I just kinda laughed it off and said I cant do that. 3 times he ask me not to do it. I will never know why, or what would have happened. Was he just being selfish in loosing his friend, or was there something else? We both got married went on with our lives had kids. Shortly after my wedding, he joined the Peace Corps for a couple of years. We have seen each other only a couple of times since that time. I guess neither of us will ever really know. Just thought I would throw this out there, something to think about.

[Vance]

First things first - it's the same way for heterosexual people; if you get a "no" from them sexually then the answer is that you're not going to have a friend if you violate their freedom of choice to pick the love interest they want.

...and to be honest, if you don't get a "no" from them they may be interested in you sexually; quit with the labels and let people have a choice... ...you'll find you have more choices.

[Patrick]

Like most of you who have posted to this thread, I am in the same position. And to all of you who are mocking those of us who have these feelings...get a life. My situation is a bit different and a little more complicated. I am in love with this guy and I mean really in love. I see him everyday and we hang out as much as we possibly can, but the thing is, I am married. This makes the whole scenario that much more difficult. I am almost positive he feels exactly the same way for me as I do for him. But my dilemma is, if I tell him I have an attraction to men, not even to him, will he tell my wife? If I am right in what I think his feelings are, then I would tell him in a heart beat. But if he doesn't have those feelings, I would rather not tell a soul, because I wouldn't want to be with anyone but him. I guess for now I will just try to read him a little better and hope that possibly he would be the one to open up to me.

[Brahmms]

It occurs to me that many of you are making the assumption that his friend is, in fact, straight. If you'll notice however, his friend doesn't know he's gay. So in theory his friend could be in the exact same position in the closet. Telling gay people to avoid having feelings for people they don't KNOW are gay is extremely limiting. It's like saying not to bother asking anyone out until you KNOW they'll say yes. You won't know until you ask so you've basically just screwed yourself over.

I'm told it sounds pretentious or something along those lines, but straight is a more tenuous position than gay. One of your straight friends is far more likely (at this point in time) to actually be gay than one of your gay friends is to be straight. Since society simply assumes that we're straight until we say otherwise, you're just going to have to occasionally take the chance with guys you think are straight. Notice I said "think" because we can't even really know if someone tells us, but that's the best we can go on, so let them tell you.

The people who say you should come out of the closet and wait before making any other hasty decisions are probably the wisest. Coming out is something you'll probably want to do eventually regardless of your feelings for any straight guys. Of course, as someone said, he's likely to ask if you're attracted to him anyway so you need to think about how you'll answer that one if it comes up.

[g]

at least you could talk to him.

I developed a deep crush on a coworker and couldn't say a thing mostly because the majority of my work place was homophobic and intolerant. I heard it many times and there was wide speculation about me because i didn't broadcast my life like my coworkers.

As disappointed as I was I still managed to keep my cool around him for the most part but was a mess away from work my freinds and family.

Eventually after I left the job I came clean about how absolutely huge the crush was which surprised some and others knew something was up. He moved to another city.

I still dream about him 8 years later....

[Ken]

apparently the people who have the good sense to NOT fall for someone who is definetly straight already have lives.

[splerk]

You can't be his BEST FRIEND if you are lying to him by keeping this secret.
Simply get him alone & before telling him.
Ask him to keep the info you are about to disclose to him between the two of you as you tell him you value him as a Best Friend & trust that he will as you aren't ready to "Come Out" to EVERYONE yet.
If he is a BEST FRIEND to you he will.
If not, who needs a friend like that.
And who knows, maybe he might say, "It is about time, I am too." Then you 2 have the best love making session ever & you live happily ever after.
You never know but if you don't say something you could be missing out on something Big.
Life is full of taking a chance with risk.
You don't gain anything but disappointment with yourself without risk.
LIVE TO LAUGH & then LOVE

[quint]

Adam and Tony are really reckless with their suggestions. He's your best friend first, don't turn into a creep. Find out first how does he feel about gays then calculate you're next move. If you can't keep your feelings and he's str8, you might as well move on and find a gay guy to release those tensions.

[Pablo]

I'm 20 yrs old and I have a coworker that I like a lot. He's married and has kids. There are all these rumors that he's gay (before and after he got married). I don't know what to do. He has called me his boyfriend. And well he acts gay, and all the people that meet him now, perceive that he is. I know there is chemistry, he likes to tease me. My friends say that I should ask him if he has feelings for me, but then again there so many red flags, like he's married, has kids, and my coworker.. And I even work with his wife. Any advice? Please help!!