Can We Get A Lil' Love?

I wanted to find out the relationship status of the people who peruse this site (which is not necessarily those who have personals or memberships) so I set up a simple survey. My curiosity was piqued since out of all the people who rant and rage about what kind of relationships work and don’t work, rarely do these folks mention their own relationship status. These entries literally number in the thousands and yet they are all but silent about their own connections. I find this fascinating. Just to be fair, I am single, and have been in relationships in the past, for a total of 15 years.

So, as of 6/19/09 the totals tell us, of those who answered the survey (1,503 people), that about 59 percent are single (889), just under 27 percent are in a sexually exclusive relationship (399), and just about over 14 percent are in relationships that are sexually open in one way or another (205). I don’t think these numbers are surprising revelations. My curiosity lies in how many people might view only the sexually monogamous category as healthy or desirable. “See how many gay boys are single and how many are ‘promiscuous.’ We just can’t settle down. We just can’t commit.”

Just the other day, when a stranger found out I was a sexologist, he confided in me about how hard it was for both his partners, as a threesome, to be taken seriously, even though they had a commitment ceremony, exchanged rings, and had been together for several years. Why is there such a need to pontificate condemnation and judgment? In reality, all kinds of arrangements exist for better or worse, whether we like it or not. Could we be allowing some people to come out of the gay closet, but insisting they hide the rest of their authentic selves? Are we going to condemn and look down on those different from us, just like the one-man-one-woman marriage pushers look down and condemn us?

The truth is, as anyone who has been in one will tell you, a relationship isn’t easy — whatever it looks like. If you’re going to go the distance, it takes trust, vulnerability, collaboration, attention, and lots of work. I commend anyone who takes the plunge and makes those long-term connections.

On that note, with the exception of when a partner dies, why does it seem that all other relationships when at an end, are so often viewed as “failures?” Why do we have to look at these relationships that didn’t go the way we planned in such “everything is bad” terms? If that aforementioned threesome splits someday, why is it so easy to let that confirm the worst things we thought of them? All that seems to generate is more negativity in our own hearts.

Sure, maybe a connection ended in a manner that was not the best, and maybe you didn’t want it to end, but does that mean the whole thing was a waste? Are there no good memories to look back on? Was there nothing learned to help you be a better partner next time? Everything ends. Nothing lasts forever, and it seems to me it takes most of us a few times to get things right. I doubt it serves our well-being to blot out our past relationships with such negativity.

Finally, it’s not just a challenge to be in a relationship, it’s damn near impossible to be happily single in this society! Everywhere we turn there are constant messages that tell the single person that you are not complete unless in a relationship. Furthermore, we seem to be set with the expectations that “it should last forever and it had better be perfect all the time.” Who are making these rules? Why are we so often buying into them, and as a result, we end up feeling “less than?”

This is not to say that relationships aren’t great and that most of us enjoy being in them. However, the truth of the matter is, an enormous segment of the population will be single for most of their lives. The majority of us will be single at the end of our lives. This is not a bad thing. This is the truth. Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, embrace the possibilities. Don’t be a bitch. The power is in your hands to make your life wonderful whether you’re in a relationship or not.

In these hard time I wonder if the question is not just “brother can you spare a dime,“ but also, “can you spare a little care and respect?” Consider that you are okay wherever you find yourself in this survey, and maybe give your neighbor the benefit of the doubt as well. Whatever connection you find yourself in, or however you create love with those around you, why not be a part of the LGBT community that brings a little more peace, love and understanding?

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Jallen Rix holds a doctorate of education in sexology and specializes in maximizing sexual pleasure for singles and couples, "ex-gay" recovery, religious abuse and creative approaches to sex education. You can learn more about Dr. Rix at his website.

Comments

[Nate]

The thing I always find the most frightening is the fact that the majority of those who are in relationships are in fact, the wrong people and type to be in them. And then there are those who are undeservedly and eternally single who really should be in a loving relationship.

I am single myself. All my friends are in long-term relationships, and all for the wrong reasons. Perhaps I have a different persepective since I am looking from the outside in.

I never understood the concept of "open relationships." Yet most of my friends who claim to be "happily" partnered are in open relationships and have no qualms about it. I guess I just have higher standards and better morals, knowing full well that a relationship is built on total monogamy, whether or not the relationship is gay or straight.

It is human nature for the gay male to cheat, lie, and to bring self-destruction upon the relationship that he is in. And I fully acknowledge and accept it for me as well as the millions of other gay men out there who are cheated of experiencing love.

[Peter]

"Oh you've a boyfriend & you're in a relationshp, but you fuck around & sleep with other guys, so are your boyfriend". Now tell me what's the point of saying I've a boyfriend (or in a relationship)???

[zz]

Gay people are no different than straight people. For straght couple, if the husband or the wife cheats then he or she can go to hell; if they both play with other people, then they're swinger and they better stay away from me cuz that kind of lifestyle is sick (and don't say I'm judgmental - I'm saying out loud I'm judjmental towards people who violate the meaning of relationship!)

[g]

the internet has a lot to do with hookups and the other side wouldn't know.

there is some monogamy i am sure but the majority is not

especially if the guy is good lookin and gets a lot of attention

[muzyqman]

I would be interested in knowing the following: of the 27% who say that they are in sexually exclusive relationships, how many cheat on their partners because they really want an open relationship but the partner doesn't? And of the ones who do cheat, how many think it's OK for them to cheat but would go ballistic if their partner did the same?

[john]

It should bem mandatory that everybody gets with one person and stays with them. We ought to be using words such as slut and whore for the naysayers. Who wants to grow old alone anyway?

[matthew cramer]

i am 23 years old and have been single for about two years it all depends on who you are if you need a bf to make you happy yeah there are days that i wish i had a man and all to cuddle and watch movies and what not with but on the other hand i am happy being single because nobody is cheating on me lol so my thing is if you are happy in a open relationship or just any relationship then let it be

[Gerardo Pedraza]

Hi
On my opinion I really don't believe on relationships anymore. I ve been hurt a lot. They re either married, in the closet, or just want to treat you like shit. some of this people think is good to be in open relationships in my case I think is kinda stupid! If I really love my Boyfriend why would I be screwing around with other dudes? Im not judging anybody that's there life s and how the want to live, I really dont want to live like that!

I really have bad luck on relationships, I ve beeing without a relationship for almost 3 years! all I get is gay dude's that are stuck up, catty Ugh.. lol.

Im promiscous myself and really the people who think is fun being with a lot of people there's a point when you look back like I did and think! who's going to take me seriously like this? that does not mean im going to stop being flirtatious I ll settle down if i really find someone who s going to respect me & treat me good, I mean im the slutty one, the crazy one and They always cheat on me, i ve date guys and girls n they both did lol. oh well story of my life. Life goes on.

I really hope tp maybe find someone someday because I really do not believe on relationships but im open is going to take a while to believe in commiment & to trust my partner but we will see lol.

[JJ]

Open relationship, swingers are vile, repulsive, disgusting, & vulgar. It's no wonder why gay man get the reputation they get.

[im2ru1]

I know I put that soap box around here somewhere......

[TJ]

It is not "society" that makes people want to be in a relationship. Some people want that close connection, one person to take care of and love. The trouble is most people do not believe in morality anymore because of its association with religion, i.e. Judaism/Christianity. Good luck finding faithfulness amongst people who hate faith.

[splerk]

I've never cheated in a relationship because I know what commitment is.
So therefore, NOT ALL GAY MEN CHEAT.
As for the ones who've cheated me, they've only cheated themselves out on their loss of the love that I give.
There;'s no longer sloppy 2nd & 3rd chances after the 1st 2 asses.
Why is it so easy for guys to say they love you while making love & when telling them you love them outside the bed, they run like you're the plague?
To get rid of someone, tell them you love them, right? ha ha
The term "Settle Down" sounds like YOUR MOTHER scolding you for being out of control. Or you're Settling for 2nd best due to your own impatience to grow up enough & NOT follow stereotypical expectations of everyone else's excepted norm of a life cycle.
"Committed" sounds like something you'd have done to a crazy person. So why celebrate ceremoniously as marriage isn't a word as much more of a life sentence?
There's no "Mistakes" in life. Hopefully we have learned from them & accept them as our own and move on as better for better.
Maybe one day we'll get it right.
I rushed into an LTR young at 18 for looks & great sex.
His inherited physically abusive behavior from his dad & he hated being gay, so he took his anger out on me. But he loved me in his own screwed up way with his control issues and all.
I mistakenly believed in him & gave up as he took complete control to alienate me from close relatives & not letting anyone else have me.
But I wouldn't have met the love of my life (So I thought).
With that one, my scars weren't healed yet & by the time I felt ready, it was too late (So I thought).
I ended it to protect myself before it was really over & not only lost the most important ONE but really hurt him in the process.
I haven't completely finished punishing myself for that one that got away for almost 10 years now. Without letting someone to get close.
You'd think what a miserable existence, but there is nothing wrong for taking time to learn about & accept yourself with as a clean slate before bringing someone else in to be "Committed to Compromise" if not 1/2 way, at least somewhere in between.
There's no Ta Bu being single.
Someday, I'll find someone to put up with my crap. Until then I will enjoy my company.
Good conversation, "Seeing Someone" New for awhile, along with a few Dates need to occur 1st before Going Steady with the exclusive "BOYFRIEND" title.
And even then, it will be awhile before "Moving In Together", until they realize I need Space to reflect.
If they understand & can accept that, there is no need the ring or marriage proposal.
I am easy like that.

[Viking]

Very interesting article. especially the part about people who rant and rage about what a relationship should be are the ones who AREN'T in a relationship. Your point is well taken except by the majority of these commenters who didn't get the point at all. "I'm not in a relationship but I'm sure the heck going to tell you YOUR's is WRONG." Some of you are absolutely no different from those zealous Christians who tell us that ALL gays are vile, repulsive, disgusting, & vulgar.

TJ: many of us looking for "faithfulness" are looking for someone who is "faithful" to some concept (in this case monogamy), not someone who has a faith in a religion. Faith takes many forms. Don't jump definitions if you want to be taken seriously.

[david hotchkiss]

I have been single now for 9 years, I have had 4 relationships, all of which ended in disaster due to infidelity on thier part. I have a very high standard, good morals, and I guess after looking at it, a very old school way of thinking. I was totally crushed when I had found out that the man I was in love was finding greener pastures. Now after being single for so long, I have a chance to enter another relationship, I really like the guy, we have much in common, we interact very well together, and everyone thinks we are an adorable couple. The problem is, just recently, he brought up the fact that he would like to do an occassional 3way, or maybe have fun outside of the relationship with some boundrys set in place. My first thought, oh god, here we go again. I dont know if Im equipped to deal with this type of behavior, I want someone that loves me for me, and wants to try try to beat all the odds and stereotypes of gay men, and be monogamous. I could even see if it was 20 yrs down the road, and we were both a little bored with each other, but at the start of the relatioship? The sucky part is, I like this guy a lot, and Im starting to fall hard for him, so should I compromise my values and everything I believe in, and go through the hurt all over again? Im not getting any younger or prettier. I dont want to have to compete with others for the love and affection of my partner, when it should naturally be mine to begin with. Nothing upsets me more than wanting to make love with my partner, and find out that he already busted a nut with someone else and he is spent (talking about past ones, not current.)And going out together and finding out that half of the bar knows how big your mans dick is because most of them has had it at one time or another. Some things should be sacred, and I think this is when the games, the craziness, and the perpetual ball which we know as the end of the relationship begins, and yet another reason and why straight people condem us and dont take us seriously. Thats just MY point of view...

[Aebren Nelson]

When I meet someone who isn't half as stupid as the guys who have posted, I've found the guy for me.

Um yeah I don't dig people who work minimum wage through 25.

Derb!

[Aquidneck]

Most relationships fail because of two primary reasons...

1 - They go by looks.
2 - Age and lustful intent.

Of which both change and fade..hence so does the relationship.

Its not so much the cheating, if you really "love" your partner, you can forgive atleast once. I've never cheated, however I have been cheated on and he did it because I got older and wasn't his "Type" anymore.

Most I have noticed who get into relationships now a days are in it for the wrong reasons...Its not "true love" they have, its more "Infatuation" with his partners looks.

For now, I am single...Less drama, one less mouth to feed and support. ( You'd be suprised how many don't work and want a "daddy" to support em! )

I would like to be in a relationship, but not with the current mentality gaymen have...How can we expect same sex marriage when we currently cannot even hold a simple relationship? Marriage is alot more work and responsibility then that of a simple relationship.

We have a long ways to go ... Just my view.

[gj.]

Why is being uncommited such a gay stereotypical thing? Do we really need a bigger varity in sexual partners? Why does it seem to be, that gay men can't be satisfied by just one partner. Seriously, that's sad. The aricle says that it's just the minority of gay men, who are able to live in a committed and monogamous relationships. But why are we fighting then for equal rights in marriage all over the world? Isn't marriage the highest form of being in a true and honest relationship without cheating and hooking up. In too many countries in this world, equal rights in general for hommosexual people don't even exist. You want equal rights, stop acting like a horny slut, who doesn't care about peoples feelings. I've been cheated and I know, that this article and all the comments have their truth, but I personally don't believe, that we should generalize the fact, that gay men are not able to have a monogamous relationship, which maybe leads into marriage in the end.

[duckling]

I will never accept open relationships or threesomes.... I tried, but I can't.
I destroys the whole meaning of a relationship for me and poisons it.

I had reasoned with myself that may be I'm possessive and try to own a person if I'm not willing to be in open relationship with them... But then, I'd just feel nothing about a person if I knew they want someone else, I'd just go cold. So what's a point?

Finally, I started to feel like I don't know anymore what relationship is, do they really exist and if they have any meaning at all... So, I stayed single for 2.5 years and I doubt its worse than being in a relationsip, I have an interesting life, art projects... I don't think I want to worry anymore about being cheated upon, abandoned or judged for something.

[Matt Clark]

Your curiosity was piqued, not peaked.

[Darryl Jansen (ltr_search)]

ltr_search at gay com and http://www.myspace.com/ltr_searchgaycom
is what I am looking for. But most only LUST to "GET SEX" ONLY. Without looking at the person himself. This is NOT GOOD.

[Idealisticalytired]

I am happy for men in relationships, be it open or monogamous. I had a long term bf for 14 years. We were monogamous for about 6 of those years, I was the first to venture out of our nest to see what it was like. Then he did the same for himself, we then did the open vacation thing and threesome thing. Well after the bf, the dog and house went away I am now single at the age of 45. 3 years living on my own. I miss the memory of what we had, but not him anymore. There was too much pain and lies through it all. I still have a broken heart I deal with daily, and I still look around every day like a rabbit at other guys. Do I want a relationship again, damb right I do. Do I deserve one, it maybe not. I just know that when I see the gay marriage agenda out there, I cringe. I have friends that have married, and they still do the bath house deal and open party thing. It sickens me, why after so many thousand of years of evolution at this point of history should 2 men be allowed leagaly be joined if they still act like this.
I don't argue their right to get what they leagaly deserve in society, its just don't glaze it over with the word love. My parents loved each other, and if there ever was infidelity, it was not ever so platently expressed.
I don't mean to judge like Dr. Jallen Rix states he does not, I just find us men not ready for such rights as being married. Our minds are to filled with the wrong thoughts. I want to feel happy again, but not until I understand myself better am I ready for a relationship. I do not feel like having life my filled with short termed relationships like others do. My parents did not do that nor will I.

[DH]

First, thanks for posting this. It hits points that I try to drive home to others, especially the youth in our community. Being single is never the end of the world; trying to make relationships that are not meant to be is. It does not mean I'm totally against relationships now and won't entertain one, but I don't have this desire to need someone to make me complete. I have my whole life ahead of me. And now that I've accepted that I could be alone (not lonely) for the rest of my life, I have no complaints what-so-ever!

[lolz]

It's always better to be single and content than with someone who makes you miserable.

[adrian049]

Its more fun cooking for two than just one.

[Brian]

Wow. A lot of these posts are amazing - amazingly bigoted and judgemental.

When it comes to relationships there is no right or wrong. There is only what works for you and what makes you happy. If someone finds that the monogamous relationship is makes them happy then it is wrong to call them vile derogatory names. If someone finds that a polygamous relation works for them, then it is equally wrong to call them vile derogatory names. And as a gay man (or lesbian) it is also hypocritical to cry foul when you are called names for being gay and then you take a holier-than-thou attitude towards someone in a relationship for which you have not given your approval.

I know this little post won't open the eyes of the zealots who have post their hate and bigotry. But perhaps some of the silent readers will not close their minds to possibilities in their lives.

[Dan M]

You are looking for your soapbox? Forget that, Im looking for the bar of soap I dropped. *SEXY GRIN*

[Mike]

I have been in a closed triad relationship for nearly 5 years. (Technically it is open, because we can sleep with other men with permission in advance, but nobody has ever asked for permission.)

What those of you who are moralizing about threesomes and open relationships need to understand is that the people who are in the relationship get to define what it means. Maybe for you, an open relationship destroys the whole point of the relationship -- but it seems to be working just fine for my friends who are in open relationships, so who the hell are you to judge what works for them? Maybe for you, the concept of "relationship" does not apply if there are more than two people involved, but I have found two men who love me deeply, and we are planning to grow old together. So again, who the hell are you to judge what works for us?

When you are in a relationship, you and your partner or partners get to define the way that relationship works. When you are not in a relationship, you have no business telling people who are in happy, successful relationships that we are doing it wrong.

[Robert Marks]

NO, happiness come from within. Cliche??? Perhaps...but if you expect anyone to make you happy you are due to be disappointed. Be happy and you will have happy people and happy boyfriend around you. Besides, you cannot expect someone else to fill every need you have. Now... about the pic... in a fast glance it looks like a man about to take a penis to his mouth. Interesting choice of pic. Dirty mind yes..but the editors should have chosen something better. Poor choice.

[Laun]

An acquaitance is someone you know by name. Friendship is the simplest form of relationship. Granted in college and after I had a lot of acquaitances and friendships. Then when I came out, many friends turned their noses and ran the other way, and that is ok that comes with the package. I now have a few good friends and I intend to keep them! However, when I moved up north and had to start making new friends the community in my home town had turned very prudish and closed at times. I am here now and I intend to keep close to those I prefer and I will not give up. There's a problem with some in the gay community that think their life is the example for everyone else and that anything "gay" is exclusively just for their own little group. You all need to be careful how you treat others. There is no written law that you get to punish those around you because you think that some mean you harm or that your turf has been invaded. The world does not circle around just for a select few. If the gay community wants respect, concern, and support than it needs to quit walking around with its thumb up its ass. We need to show others especially the heterosexual world that we don't leave others behind, we are all suppose to be in this life together. I want to grow to a mature old age too, but I don't want to be excluded. Tired FussyBear7 who worked hard all week and wants the some attention too.

[GrayLeft]

Nate, I'm with you on this topic.

I had a relationship in the mid-1980s and he slept with anything that moved. I forgave him every time I found out--and didn't find out about most of them until much later--and then he dumped me. And when he was single and suddenly no one wanted to sleep with him, he wanted to come back to me. But I had managed to grow a spine and flatly refused. It was one of the hardest things I ever did FOR MYSELF.

I've been single since then and wonder, 30 years later, if I even want another relationship. I'm happy being single and yet. . . .

[Hypnotoad72]

Posted by: TJ | June 27, 2009 at 09:45 PM

What you said hits the nail on the head.

Posted by: Laun | June 28, 2009 at 08:22 AM

Agreed; 100%. We are a part. Not a whole to demand everything from everyone else. Try posting what you'd said at democraticunderground and be prepared to be hounded away by some real losers.

That's partly why I stopped fighting for the cause. The 'community' does not take relationships seriously and has treated its own who fight for the rights badly... when I was fighting for them I was even mocked by other GLBT people. I never understood why, but an article from Lavender (2002) first had me questioning what's worth fighting for. By 2005 and the final pride parade (men showing their privates, frenching in public, genital shaped balloons... dressingoup in very bizarre outfits... and the same lot ask why they're not taken seriously... HELLO... that's well beyond any sense of common decency we're all supposed to tolerate.)

Sex is special. And there's a time and place to show affection. I'm sorry others want to flaunt it so frivolously, but what they do - few as they are - does leave an impact on everyone else. I do not want to be associated with them, and they are the ones who regretfully define the show.

[Hypnotoad72]

Aquidneck and JJ; I wish I'd seen your posts earlier before my response. You two also pin the problem right where it belongs.

At least there are people on these forums acknowledging the whole picture. We need more like you...

And best of luck to you in finding life long partners and respect from the community at large. You deserve it.

[questie]

I'm the marrying type. It's who I am. Doesn't mean I'll marry to fill a void, nor will I let society dictate what marriage is supposed to be. But I do see myself happily married for life!

[mike]

well i just got out of a 4.5 year long relationship with a man i loved very much, but after the breakup i found out he cheated on me before he dumped me, and now hes cheating on his new boi..... i still love him for some reason, eventho hes done nothing but hurt me over the past few months so i could probably say that i am happier in a relationship than single. but he obviously isnt the type of person who can have a loving committed relationship, so it just depends on the person if ur happier in a relationship than out. i know for me, that i am much happier when i have someone to come home to every night and lay next to and feel the warmth coming from their body, and to see them smile when i walk in the door because they r genuinely happy to b with me

[Harry]

This article about single life as contrasted with boyfriend/husband/partner arrangements was great. I really wish we looked at issues like this more—specifically that we worked more toward keeping an open mind and a sense of wonder at all the manifestations of the human heart, mind, spirit and body.

I am married. My sexual expression happens in the happy confines of a traditional, monogamous marriage. I am a Christian and married to a minister. But, whoah! Please don’t make assumptions. It’s irritating when Christians assume, because I’m one, that my Christianity and theirs is a good fit. Same thing with the relationship business. I personally cannot imagine having sex with anyone but my husband—but then, the relationship is young. We’ve only been together for three and a half years. My last marriage lasted 15 years, though—and ended tragically in a farm accident. So I have some experience of longer-term relationships. Just don’t assume that I think because I have this more traditional relationship that I think it is of higher moral tenor than anyone else’s. I’m constantly having to remind the Reverend that we need to think of the holiness possible in other people’s different types of relationships—because, people, even a casual sexual hookup does have the possibility of depth, kindness, tenderness, ecstasy, joy, tears, laughter and many other components of spiritual expression and growth. Because it isn’t on my path doesn’t mean anything for anyone else. I have chosen a spiritual path, a spiritual discipline, Christianity, because its teachings, practices and style work for me. But the day I set up my religious habits as a standard for anyone should be, I hope, the day that they cart me off to reducation camp. Did we learn nothing by coming out? I suspect that my expression needs to be what it is both because of my special gifts and my special shortcomings. There is a famous Zen story of a certain prostitute, how everyone who had sex with her gained enlightenment—her name was “More Than a Million.” I don’t have her level of spirituality, of enlightenment. If I did, I still might be monogamous. But it’s nice to think that I could have the depth of love and tenderness with a million guys that I have with my husband. Oh, yeah. That would be cool. And if I could make some money at the same time…!

What I do know, from having buried two men I’ve married and living with three husbands for long periods of time is that happiness is what we practice, not what anyone gives us. People in relationships are miserable. Single people are happy. And vice versa. The important thing is to learn who we are and what we want—and when we’re stuck to find support in community, in therapy, perhaps in a spiritual practice (though I think that those can be really dangerous is you’re dealing with sexuality, gay or straight).

Thanks for this great article.

[healthypozfurr]

Good article and what really stuck out for me is that if a ltr I'm in ends was it a failure? I use to think so except for my last ltr. The ex was an alcohoic, bipolar and OBD...yes it was stressful being with him. Instead of having a 36 yr old bf I had a 16 yr old juvenile delinquent in a 36 yr old body! But the sex was absolutely fantastic.
On another note though is what I learned from this ex. We tend to attract partners to us who resemble our parent(s) in some way. The ex ended up resembling both my parents. It just took yrs to see it.
Being w/ my ex helped me greatly understand the chaos of Mom and Dad.
So I am and have always felt greatful to my ex for showing me so much. He also taught me how to bartend, be a server and how to get the "fuckits". I use to worry and stress out over everything. Now I'm more laid back.
The ex also taught me what I did not want in a relationship. I've read some of the articles on this page stating how ppl get into relationships often for the wrong reasons. This was me at one time. I've been single for 9 yrs now. And I'm really at peace w/ myself and life. I get horny a lot. But that is not a reason to get into a ltr. And I do have more work to do in forgiving the past bf's from 30 yrs ago.
One thing comes to mind though. My grandmother here in the USA was my best friend. She loved men too. She was beyond her years in attitude.
She met a very handsome bf I was going out with in the early 80's. When Greg went to use the restroom, Gran turned to me and said "do not introduce your boyfriend to your friends or he won't be yours for long". Damn...she was right again!

[Viking]

As is typical for statistics, these are being mis-read and mis-interpreted. Y'all are quoting the fact that ONLY 27% of gays are monogamous. But that's 27% of ALL gays whether they're in a relationship or not. It's plain stupid to include those people who aren't in a relationship as not being monogamous which is what Dr. Rix & y'all are doing. If we take those gay men who ARE in a relationship (604), the percentage of THOSE people that are monogamous (399) are, in actuality, 66% and those that are not monogamous (205) are 34%, nearly HALF of those who are monogamous. So in reality according to Dr. Rix's numbers (NOT his percentages), almost TWICE as many gay couples are monogamous as those who aren't.

Quite a different percentage than the mis-leading ones presented by Dr. Rix. And for those who question my reasoning, yes, I HAVE been trained in statistics.

[Alex]

Wow, and so the bitchy queens emerge. How DARE anyone claim to be 'moral' simply because they define their relationships differently than others. You know who else does that? The god damn christian fanatics who want to keep us down. If you, personally, do not like the concept of an open relationship (I don't much like the idea either, for that matter) don't condemn the people who feel that is what works best for them. There is a HUGE difference between an unfaithful partner within a monogamous relationship who cheats, and an open, honest, and consenting polyamorous relationship. Cheating is, of course, always wrong, and is a cruel and horrible thing to do, but those who prefer a monogamous relationship are no more 'moral' than those who prefer something else, so long as in all cases people are open and honest with each other. There is no 'right' way for a relationship to be, only what works for each person. We can't claim to want to be allowed to be different from the social norms and then condemn people who deviate more than the others. THAT is what is immoral.

[Dan]

I agree with Viking, and I'm trained in statistics as well. I would add that this is a survey of people who peruse this site, not gay or bisexual people in general. While 41% of respondents were in a relationship, the percentage would probably have been higher if a wider range of people had been surveyed.

[Hypnotoad72]

Also, don't you mean "piqued" instead of "peaked"? Or was that a reference to your willy in a certain condition?

[Mikey]

I feel I should ask a question.
Why is it that so many people are against open relationships, polyamory, and swingers? In the end, who is being hurt by consenting adults choosing to express their love and feelings for each other? So what if it offends others morally. It does not hurt them. Morality is subjective, and changes from person to person, even if people don't want to admit that.
I, myself, am polyamorous. I have so much love for my fellow human beings that I don't see why I have to confine that love to one man. Neither should one man have to confine his love to me. Love is a beautiful and powerful thing, and the more it is shared, the more there is to be recieved.
Get over yourselves. Not everyone is monogamous, and that's just the way it is.

[Hypnotoad72]

Posted by: Nate | June 27, 2009 at 07:28 PM

Well said. Well said indeed.

Though it's animal nature, for many species, to find many to mate with. Many species also bond for life. Humans are a mixed bag.

Attractions will always be there. What we do with the emotions is what matters. We feel the attraction, but we don't need to cheat on a loved one with some bit of meat trolloping down the sidewalk.

[rjw78741]

I know I would be happiest in a committed, caring, stable, long-term relationship - not because of what some judgemental gay people say, nor because of what society at large says. I know through decades of observation and self-reflection. That's the way I'm wired. I also recognize that most males tend to be wired for having many sex partners. So these days I'm just trying to practice acceptance toward an ultimately un-satifying reality.

[Zane]

I've been in a relationship for almost 9 yrs, My family loves my b/f, but his family is anti-gay so I don't go near them. Anyway I was 23 when I met him, and I was so excited it was crazy, but now that I look back at our problems and our fights, and him not wanting me to have certain friends, or saying he can do better than me, hell no I don't want a relationship. I'd rather get burned on a cross than to go throught this again. Some people do great while others fail left and right, guess you just got to know what you're doing, I was just young and dumn.

[Zane]

dumb rather lol.

[Hypnotoad72]

Mikey, the reason why some people don't like "open relationships" is not just because of the oxymoronic nature of the term. It's because of the greater chance of disease (condoms are NOT a panacea), and wandering emotions.

Everyone is free to do what they want.

I just wish more people thought about how their actions might impact others. And that's why society has been going downhill the last two generations. Being GLBT has nothing to do with it, contrary to the claims of some. It's not as myopic as that.

[Ken from San Antonio]

1.)"It sickens me, why after so many thousand of years of evolution at this point of history should 2 men be allowed leagaly be joined if they still act like this." Well, until the 1970s states in the United States regulated marriage and divorce and used adultery as one of the only ways heterosexuals could get a divorce. Is it the government's responsibility to regulate our relationships?
2.) Gay men have the reputation for being slutty because men in general are "supposed" to act that way. Some people say it's biology and some people say men are socialized to be that way. To me, if it's biology, I think if we want to, we can still change. Biology doesn't mean something is inevitable.
3.) Gay men, at least the ones that use this site, are REALLY judgemental. I thought as a group we were supposed to be so open minded and on the forefront of discovering new things about the human condition that were supposed to add the understanding of people in general. Sorry, was I wrong about that.

[Luke]

I may be young (18) but I was really astonished at some of the comments here... People saying that "kind of lifestyle" is disgusting, holding "those people" underneath them. Well, it really isn't your body, it isn't your life.

I'm a completely monogamous hopeless romantic. Though, I believe ANY developed human being can love ANY developed human being regardless of race, gender, whatever. If someone feels like they don't want to limit their love, then why should they? Again, if they feel that they want to have sex with 50 different guys in 3 months, then go ahead, all the power to you. Unless I was forced into a relationship like that, I honestly can't complain. It may be unhealthy, and I'll tell them that, but I won't keep imposing my opinions. I'll support them. We're gay. We're proud. Why do we have to create hate/issues with another being, gay straight bi whatever? We're doing the very thing some people are doing to us. You can't ask for support if you can't even fucking give it!

[BT]

The UGLIEST thing about gay men & what gay men refuse to say is: "gay men are sexual hunger beaats!" They see a guy with a gorgeous face, six-packs body, big cxxk, hot axx, they want to sleep & have sex witb that guy. There's no "love" there; they just want to get into his pants. They can't get enough of having sex with hot guys so they (gay men) coined the term "open relationship".
Mikey: "I have so much love for my fellow human beings that I don't see why I have to confine that love to one man." - LOVE and SEX are two different things. You can love your parents, your sister, your grandfather etc etc, but that doesn't give you an excuse to have sex with them! You're trying to (intentionally or unintentionally) blur the meaning of love and sex

[brandon]

Luke, that explains why you're 18 - still an inmature kid.