"Do I Have To Be Out?"

How does coming out fit into our identity? The question of coming out raises the issue of private and public personas. How much of our life is private and how much is public. This public side of our identity is the stuff we show with most people. Obviously, the private side is the part of our self that we keep "close to our chest."

There are many reasons for not disclosing sexual identity. For some people it's about safety. I've worked with people in the corrections field who suggest that coming out in prison is not a safe place. Then there is the current military policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" which highlights the consequences of coming out. And still today, in some countries, coming out risks a death sentence.

Some people choose not to be out for other reasons such as privacy, financial or familial. Others believe we have arrived at point in history were the need to be out simply doesn't matter anymore. We've made so much progress as a group that we simply don't need to push the issue any further.

On the other hand, there are people who encourage everyone to be out. There is often an implicit assumption that being out is a healthy expression of a LGBT identity. The assumption is you need to "embrace" your sexuality. Being out is a statement that being gay is OK. A major step toward personal growth is the affirmation of all aspects of a person's life.

Then there is the idea that being visibly out is a public statement and as a result helps to encourage public acceptance thus creating a safer environment for those who come out later. The modeling behavior attempts to provide support and encouragement of this aspect. In my opinion, the stories shared over the last few similar articles highlight the benefits of coming out. In those stories others found support and encouragement for their process.

Being out is also a political statement. Since at least the 1950s, individuals have stressed the political aspect of being out as a confrontation to the straight world. Stonewall and the subsequent 30+ years of Pride Celebrations reflect coming out as a political claim. Harvey Milk and the 2008 movie is a recent expression of the political impact of coming out; his witness transformed the political reality of both San Francisco, and eventually the world. Obviously we're not done with the political nature of equality; coming out is a contribution in small and large ways to ongoing political discourse. As a group, the more visible we are, the less they can ignore us.

This post is a start of the conversation. What are your thoughts? Should a person be out and why?

Do you have a question about sex you would like Dr. Edwards to answer?  Send us an email.  We promise to keep your name confidential.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Weston Edwards is a psychologist licensed by the Minnesota Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community. His first book “Living a Life I Love™: Healing sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, sexual avoidance and other sexual concerns is now available. You can also reach him on Twitter at @wedwardsphd.

This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to serve as medical advice. The information provided should not be used for diagnosing or treating a health problem or disease. It is not a substitute for professional care. If you have or suspect you may have a health problem, you should consult your health care provider.

Comments

[Jamie]

I think there are many areas in this country where its not safe to be out. There is so much hatred for anyone thats different.

[curtis]

I say come out, everyone! we will never be accepted by society if we don't show our faces. also, we will gain respect by showing fearlesness in the eyes of our oppressors. ;) peace and love, baby

[bullydawg]

It's really still not safe for everyone to come out. I live in the Bible Belt, in eastern North Carolina, and I can tell you that there are a lot of people who would just as soon beat you down as look at you. I am out to the people who matter not because I told them but because they're not 'stupid'-- they love me anyway, and they've got my back if anyone would try to hurt me.

[Steve]

I'm partnered with someone who refuses to come out. I am out and have been for years. I suffer because I love him but he refuses to even talk about it. I witness him lie to neighbors, family and friends about who I am. To love someone and see them live a life of lies hurts, its puts the person who has come so far back into the closet suffocating from shame, guilt and low self esteem. Nothing positive comes from living a lie, only the opportunity for more lies deciet and more. Everyone deserves to see themself in the light and truth and to live the same. It takes guts to be real and for some its not about the consequences, they just dont have the guts.

[caramelopelon]

Hey, be out if you want, be in if you want. No one owes anyone anything. Gays are just as individual as every other culture. I live my life the way i want to...you live yours the way you want to...Baaaaam! ;-)

[Stonewaller]

Came out to my parents when I was 12,
my extended family when I was 13. I
began coming out to classmates and
friends and others when I was 14.
When 17, I participated in rallies,
protests & demonstrations following
Stonewall Rebellion which have come
to be known as the "3 Days of Rage."
None of my half-dozen boyfriends has
been out and I cannot honestly say
that it negatively impacted those
relationships.
Though I do believe being out may
help a person who might be ashamed
of his or her sexuality, there are
others for whom it would make little
difference on a psychological level.
In any case, I believe it a personal
matter -- no different than for those
who rather not disclose identities
such as: converts who may not wish
to announce their religion of origin,
Blacks who pass for White, Latinos
who pass for Anglo, children who may
not wish to discuss mixed parentage
or transgenders who may not may not
wish to discuss their birth gender
or degree of their transitioning.
I am lifelong human rights activist.
What social science studies show is
that contrary to popular mythology,
coming does not in fact affect
political outcomes; persuasion does.
If one wishes to argue that another
owes a debt to society, I could say
that everybody has a duty to be a
human rights activist!

[Liam86]

I say do what makes sense to you.
I came out four years ago to my parents. but i tell my friends and others only if asked or if it comes up in conversation. i don't stress coming out. If they know they know and if they don't how gives a damn.

[Steve]

Where there is potential violence towards gays there should be no pressure to come out. It becomes a societal task to create a safe climate for gays.
In other circumstances closeted gays should face reality and present as gay in private and public life.
We see too many who are gay, in particular some movie and TV "stars" who shirk their responsibility to the gay community but who are very willing to avail themselves of the community's more sexualised benefits secretly.
This group deserves our ridicule when finally they announce they have come out as "married" - which in their mainstream-thinking minds gives them some "respectability."

[mark]

I myself agree with coming out only because it was the best decision for me,i've only been out sense feb, and at 50 i lived a long time knowing but not telling. everyone that i told already had known, so when i came out all said yea we know, I spent to much of my life hiding. Now life is new and good, oh yea i drive a truck and so far no problem's, hope this help's

[Steve]

I actually have the incidence of going back into the closet, which is a whole new kind of of uncomfortable. But I feel less comfortable dealing with my coworkers. I'm not in a position to leave my job right now, so I've made choices that I can live with. It is unfair to promote equality of choice on one matter only to impose a different set of standards that are equally intolerant. I'm not hurting anyone, so let me do what I do.

[arnkcmo]

I believe that coming out it's about an individual issue. Some fear loss of family, friends, jobs, etc. and been chastacide by church and social groups. On the other hand, coming out to the world will make a statement and bring light to the darkness of ignorance; Gays can be your doctor/surgeon/nurse, teacher,cashier,sales person,manager,director,, neighbor,best friend,bank teller, loan officer, Realtor,wrestler, football/hockey/baseball player and others. This will dhow we are as professionals as the next guy; difference is we naturally enjoy intimacy with same sex. We work and pay taxes,utilities,loans,groceries, appliances, etc.,as any other one.

[Hypnotoad72]

If it's nobody else's business, like how even Ricky Martin used to say, then to summarily "out" people is the most immoral, unethical thing anybody can do.

It's a personal decision, like how we choose to live our sex lives in general. And for someone to point a finger -- that is so disrespectful. And from our own *cough* "community" no less. The hypocrisy is ASTOUNDING.

All the blither about "tolerance"... until it's time to look at... ourselves. And I don't mean in a mirror to ogle our own biceps and hairdo.