Dating Bradford: Do You Party?

“Do you party?” He asked on the street where we met.

“Oh” I said, realization dawning as his attractive points plummeted, “No, I don’t, uhh, do drugs… anymore.” I threw in the “anymore” as a been-there-done-that type of thing to show I wasn’t just being puritanical. “Those messy days are over.” I emphasized “over” so he knew I wouldn’t be providing any party favors.

“What’s wrong with you?” He said jokingly, while looking at me with his beautiful Greek eyes that said so-much in as little as a raised brow, “Well do you mind if I do?”

It was then I should have said, “No thanks, I’ll see ya later” but at that moment I was standing inches away from kissing his luscious full lips. The moment lingered.

“So what are we standing here on the street for?” He finally said with a wry grin.

I wasn’t going to let Adonis sway me into doing any Tina - assuming he had some, and that his drug of choice was crystal meth - but it was late, we were horny, and if the guy needed to do a bump of whatever, that was his business - or so I thought.

His business became my business shortly thereafter as we lay naked on my bed and he pulled out his crack pipe. Christ, I thought, he’s that kind of “partier.” I excused myself to the kitchen to “get some water” – code for hide my valuables and reevaluate my game plan.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t had sex with drug users before – shocking, right? – but the last time was years ago in a black painted plywood cubicle of a “private men’s spa” and it was so distasteful I pretended to block it all out.

This Adonis Greek boy - torching away over my 400 thread count sheets - brought me back to that night at The Hollywood Spa, where I’d hammered away at yet another flaccid muscle-boy, this one taking phone calls WHILE I was inside him. “Girl, I told you I’m out” he’d said on one such call to a friend in another cubicle, “Score us another baggie. I’m in… wait, hold on…” then turning to me as one hails a waiter, “Excuse me uh, Brandon or whatever, what’s this room number again?”

Not pretty.

Returning to my bedroom with a bottle of Pellegrino I had to admit, drugs or no drugs,the Greek boy was beautiful– lying there naked, all tall and swarthy - a former model (aren’t they all) sprawled out so come-hither-like and saying, “Give me some of that.” He didn’t mean the water.

It was therefore no surprise to find myself inside him ten minutes later and having a Hollywood flashback while he distractedly played with his iPhone - surfing the 3G Network for more downloadable Madonna. Just for spite I slammed him against the headboard a few times but it didn’t seem to phase him.

Again, not pretty.

Another ten minutes and I’d lost my hard-on out of boredom. His had made a cameo at the beginning then gotten stage freight after he’d fired up his crack pipe for the second or third time. The whole scene was beyond putrid.

I gave up and rolled over to take a nap. Not a heavy sleep mind you - because you don’t leave a drug user unattended in your home - but enough of one to let him know the playground had closed for the night.

An hour later he’d moved onto Kylie Minoque and was still fiddling with his iPhone, trying to change the settings to get better speaker quality.

“I should get your number,” I said thinking, “and your name in case I have to call the Police.” He got the hint and started putting on his clothes and mercifully left soon after. When he’d gone I vowed never to invite drugs or drug users into my sex life again.

I guess somewhere in my subconscious I’d wanted him to feel like I was enough. That I would take him home, get him all worked up, and then he wouldn’t need his drugs. It’d happened before - but not this time. This time instead of feeling that my sexy could substitute substance for sustenance, I felt like the friend along for moral support – A.K.A. a codependent.

The whole thing makes me wonder, after all I've been through with drugs and drug users in my life, why would I even consider bringing them home with me again? For what? So I can feel disgusted with myself, have some lame sex that didn’t get me off, and remind myself how lonely and unattractive I feel? And when things became uncomfortable, why did I need to play the “nice guy,” dragging out my misery instead of telling him to get the fuck out?

So I put it to you: When finding yourself feeling frisky and foolhardy, what do YOU say when they ask, “Do you party?”

Comments

[daft]

i have never done drugs and never would. ppl who do are worthless trash and i treat them as such.

[Kidd Kasper]

Like most people, I've tried things in life aka been-there-done-that. I really try not to be judgmental of people that do things on a regular basis. But, I also realize that there won't be any sort of relationship between us. I'm even picky about alcohol. If a guy would rather get drunk than eat every time we go out, there's a problem.

I guess that I might be weird in this regard, but I would prefer to have some sort of connection to the person that I'm having sex with. It's not necessary, but to me it's much more satisfying if it's there. If someone has to do drugs to have sex, the experience he gets from his next hit is apparently more important than any experience that I might can give him.

So, when someone asks me "do you party?" the answer is "No, I don't."

[viking]

Ah, Bradford, the answer is easy. The path to that answer not so. I'd love to say that my response to his question, "Do you party," would be a flat out, "No." No excuses, no attempt to impress him with my lack of puritanical tendencies, just a flat out unapologizing "No." However, it's SO easy to "try to overlook a flaw." In reality, this is like trying to overlook Jeffrey Daumer's little character flaw. But I know how you feel, Bradford. The chance to boost up your flagging ego with a Greek god, the hormones that seem to have turned off your brain. But as I experienced way long time ago and you just described, this doesn't do any of those things except acknowledge that your hormones are extremely stupid. In fact, instead of giving your ego a boost, it did quite the opposite, didn't it? It made you ashamed of yourself and your foolishness, beating yourself up for making the same mistake ONE MORE TIME. Sadly as I'm past my sell-by date, I never even get the opportunity to turn down a partying Greek god, all of whom cross the street when they see me coming. I don't have to make that decision, but I will tell you that If it DID happen now, the decision's already been made. The answer would be an unequivocal, "NO" and I'd excuse myself.

Oh, BTW, drugs or not, if someone has to use his phone while having sex with me, I'd politely ask to see the phone for a moment, heave it over my shoulder into the wall where hopefully it would break and tell him that my bed isn't a phone booth, and IMPOLITELY tell him to leave.

[brandon]

Well, then....you have no reason to call drug user or addict pieces of trash...just because you dont,doesnt mean other people arent willing expand their mind,instead of going by what society says is expectable. Im a recovering crystal/heroin addict,and I find the comment before mine to be close-minded,ignorant and just sad.

[TheLordofWales]

I think all us Non-drug users have been in that situation: naked with a hot guy who doesn't feel 100% comfortable in reality.

The truth is that our sex drive IS it's own drug. It's often over-powering and no amount of reason or internal dialogue will help.
Neither can we stop our brains from yelling at us that this is a BAD situation.

The solution is prevention. I quickly got to the bathroom "to pee." I have a few friends who I text message who I say ...
"CALL ME ASAP. There's this guy who I can't politely dismiss. Give me a good "You need to come here now." story."

That always works out for me. The key to making this work is to have FRIENDS (plural) who you can text message.
We've ALL been there so we ALL understand.

[GpD]

I know all too well how you feel. I'm not a drug user or a drinker for that matter. For me, I would have never tangled with the guy. You never know what kind of drama you can get yourself into.

A very similar situation happened to me a couple months ago. I was talking to a guy at a club and he offered to get me a drink. I said no thank you, I don't drink. The man was visibly shocked and then chuckled it off and said "Oh, so you do drugs. What do you do?" And I responded, "No, I'm str8 edged. I don't drink or do drugs." He was baffled. He didn't know how to respond and asked me questions like "How do you have fun?", "Well what do you do?". He was so stuck on trying to figure out what I "used" that he looked at me like I was an alien. I ended up just walking away. Later on in the night he tried to make nice and told me how much he admired me for not using and all this BS. It was too late, I had already lost respect for him and he made ME feel like a loser for not being a user. I don't need that mess.

I just don't understand gay men (or people in general) sometimes. Why is it that so many of us turn to substance abuse? I say, if you don't play that way, just stay away.

[Pete]

i wonder in this article what's the good thing the author is telling people (or us gay men) about? NOTHING! this article is in fact (indirectly) toxic & poisoining our younger generation!

[shaolinsrock]

Drugs are bad mmmmkay

[Brandon]

And the Bitter Betty award goes to Daft, for what sounds like having dated at least one drug user in the past and trying to make the person stop using, only to get burned by him.

[D]

The picture itself is disgusting. I've no sympathy towards drug addicts, period

[g]

i have been down the party road not because i was ashamed of being gay but because it en

Thankfully i never had to go through rehab.

I don't plan on touching the stuff to experience a man. If HE chooses to do it that's his issue.....

but i can see both sides

[apres_moi]

oh god. i've been there before. that is the non drug user fucking around with someone at their place who says "do you mind if I sniff a line of coke?" as he pulls out a mirror with some coke on it and a box cutter. mind you his place was 3-4 miles from my house in the city and I didn't know where the bus was because he drove me over to his place. When we were fooling around, I asked for a condom, he couldn't find one in his room, and proceeded to go to his car to find one. that took 10 min!!!! we started fooling around and I basically got bored and lost my hard on and said "hey i think i'm going to go. do you know where i can catch the bus?" he basically offered me a ride back to my place. as soon as i left the car, he sped away.

[ZiZi]

Drugs are an absolute No-No. I'd never even date a smoker, nor anyone who needs some kind of substance to enjoy themselves.

[J]

Easy. I simply say "no".

[Adam]

I have to agree, no matter how hot the guy was, the minute he brought up drugs I would have been out of there.

I'm not just saying that either. I've done it many times myself. I've been in the same position, literally! I'm pounding away on a guy and he was on his phone texting people. I got so pissed off I grabbed his phone and threw it across the room and broke the sucker into about a dozen pieces. Fortunately he didn't remember the next morning and called me and asked if he left his phone at my place. I guess he didn't remember me getting pissed off and throwing his naked ass out of my apartment into the main hallway (although I did throw his clothes into the hallway too).

That did it for me. Never again will a guy who does drugs ever cross my threshold again no matter what!

[P. R.]

It never fails. Every time my roommate and I go out for a night on the town together, and it's a rather common occurrence, we're asked for, or about, drugs. It's not as if we have a reputation as notorious cokeheads either. People simply see two energetic skinny, boy-faced twenty-somethings and assume our joviality must stem from some chemical enhancement.

When in this situation, and I'm in this situation a lot, I usually pull the bitch card. I try to live by a strict code of live and let live, so when I hear someone talk about drugs they're on or have used, I remain impartial if not silently disgusted. Still, it always rubs me the wrong way when I'm out with my friends, trying to have a nice night, and some stranger asks me for blow because I (direct quote) "Look like the type." I'm not the type. I enjoy having some drinks with my friends, I enjoy my cigarettes, and once in a blue moon, a little pot when I'm at home and with people I trust. Granted two of these could qualify as addictions, however they don't keep me from getting it up and being a competent sexual partner, let alone romantic partner.

I can't imagine what I'd say if someone wanted to bring anything like crack into my house, but I know it wouldn't be nice. I don't even have the author's history with drug use, nor do I have a history with someone who has. Frankly, I want neither. I just know that I've had plenty of bad sex--and relationships--with sober people. I don't want to let something like drugs open me up to a fresh hell of bad trysts.

At least the author got a column out of this ridiculous experience, and hopefully, learned a lesson for good.

[Hudson]

Could you get any gayer? "400 thread count" hahahahahahaa. Anyways...
Crystal meth is disgusting, it erodes the bones on your face and your teeth. The greek Adonis won't be looking very Adonis-like for too long.

[Rick D]

Actually a very good question that has deeper significance. I've read somewhere that society can be judged based on how it treats its downtrodden, poor, elderly, and sick. And that starts with how each of us singularly approaches the encounter.

Drug addiction...or any addiction for that matter...after stripped of its social and criminal tags...is a disease. And although not quickly recognized...there is human suffering on many levels. I know this first-hand because I have been there myself with meth. If not for the love and support of friends and family, I'd now be either in jail or dead.

Treating sick people as social outcasts is hardly the answer and yet it continues to be widely practiced even in societies we'd like to call as 'advanced' or 'humanitarian'. Would you refuse to interact with a person simply after discovering they were a diabetic? I know that that's not a perfect analogy but the core issue is not any different.

Shutting someone out isn't courageous. It's cowardly. It's the easy way out. And demands less on our narrow-minded self-serving existence: "That's not MY problem."

It is no longer enough to "Just Say No". Look deeper. There really is no love in that.

[d]

There is this beautiful man in my life. He is really cool. He is a drug user, also very intelligent. He showed me the scars on his arm when he was sober and the scars on his soul when he was stoned. We chat about weird shit. He is very in the political know and is very nice to be around when he is both up and level. I love him, but I also don't want him in my life. I am torn.

[highstandards]

I have only recently started reading this column. It seems to me that the writer likes to point fingers of blame to others for their short comings and not meeting his standards, yet to me, as an outside observer, he seems to be the very same kind of addict that he seems so bothered by. The rantings of why he didnt get laid or it wasnt good enough etc etc seem do be indicative of an addiction. I really hope Bradford is more together than the shallow addictive personality type that he portrays himself as. There almost seems to be some level of self deprication taking place where he does things, then writes about them and expects the bitch brigade to come out in force to belittle and berate him for his written about behavior. I really hope he sees some sort of therapist on a regular basis because i truely am concerned about why so many other gay men do the same things. We never have to settle, especially just to bust a nut.

[Computer Genius]

While I agree wholeheartedly with the posters here with regards to drug addicts, I think it's important not to lump all drug *users* with addicts.

Simple case is alcohol - unquestionably a drug and but in my experience also the most abused. How about cigarettes? Cannabis? Pain killers? This is not such simple situation, really, as a small percentage of people can use even hardcore drugs on occasion and not pass the line into addiction. I would say with meth, crack, non-prescribed Oxycontin, and heroin there are almost no 'casual' users.

I myself seem to fall into category 'C', someone who uses drugs but can take it or leave it and have never let it rule my life. I smoke high-grade cannabis, drink beer, and have the occasional cigarette. Every once in a blue moon I do a little coke while out clubbing. Even rarer I'll to Ecstacy if I know it's pure or some mushrooms. I have never done and never will do meth, herion, crack, etc.

I am in excellent health and have a very successful career, house, dog, adopted son, etc. so by most 'together' metrics I am just that. I just look on these substances as 'better living through chemistry' and as a little frosting to the shit cake of life.

It seems that in general, if someone ask if 'you party' that's a red flag for sure, but it doesn't necessarily mean that their life revolves around it. I make it a habit to not be around people who's lives revolve around shallow BS like sex, drugs, or gossip.

[sokablamo]

I guess I PNP (is it really only meth or what) in my own socially acceptable way. I buy high end boutique medical marijuana, like most west coast 20-something college graduates gay or straight that I know. And what's the reason for dates/hook-ups whatever but to smoke each others fancy named hybrids and stick our phallic bongs in front of each other. Maybe I'm exaggerating in an attempt to commiserate. Pot isn't crack. Other than a couple friends I've met who're already the been-there-done-that type like you, I have been pretty oblivious to this supposed quarter of young gay men who've experienced real hardcore PNP.

[brandon]

Geez, maybe there arent as many drug users as I thought,maybe it's the club scene.

[The Hurler]

You're kidding right?! What era do you live in? The '80s and even the '90s are OVER. Stop being so tragically irresponsible w/ your life and then whining about it. "DATE" someone more than one time before you get into this situation and there might not be a nasty "he's-smoking-crack-in-my-bed" suprise moment.

[Eddie]

wow daft, your name fits you so well.... i used drugs for a while, about a year and a half. i destroyed my own life, picked up the pieces, moved forward, and recreated myself into someone that is far better for his experiences and far more intelligent. not everyone who does a drug, turns out to be trash. If you ran across the most beautiful interesting enigmatic guy you had ever met in your whole life, and you fell in love in an instant would you really treat him like dirt or turn him away because he admitted to you that in the past he used to do drugs and that it was now all behind him? if you would, you are truly ignorant and dont DESERVE to exist, because you are obviously compensating for something. (perhaps the fact that you yourself are trash, figured id spell it out for you if your screen name was any indication as to how you think or even better, how you DONT think)

[Christopher]

I can relate to this story 100 percent. I am a recovering drug addict (clean and sober almost one year!! woo hoo) and one of the hardest things was dealing with the loneliness of sobriety. After 15 years of drug abuse, most EVERYONE I knew I partied with. Everyone I knew online 'pnp'd so I was basically alone. Every time I meet someone online they party and I'm left lonely for someone that doesn't. Sometimes I just wanna say screw it and join the fun, but then I think of how far I've come and the things I've accomplished in the short time of my sobriety. It helps me stay anchored.

[Laun]

I do not do drugs.

[Allen]

Been there done that with meth & alcohol. Glad my brain overtook me one day and I never looked back. Meth by far is the most prevalent mess out there & hard to tell if anyone on it, until they fall down.
As they say 10 go in for rehab & 9 go back within a year. Go Figure!

[Tim]

I don't do drugs, but I don't see the point in getting all worked up and moralizing about them.

The bottom line is -- and this is something I learned back in college, with alcohol as the drug of choice -- that people who are high and people who are not high do not generally enjoy each others' company. So if someone wants to PnP, more power to him, and I hope he enjoys it! But we won't both enjoy it if he tries do PnP and I don't, so it's better if he just finds someone who's into it.

[BarebackJack]

The answer to that question couldn't be easier. "NO". Period. Inviting a stranger on meth into your home is an invitation for trouble of one sort or another.

The fact is that no matter how gorgeous he looks (well, at that moment anyway... give him 6 more months of meth use and see what he looks like then), how big his dick might be (if he can get it hard), or what he promises you insofar as a good time, there's always someone JUST as hot out there who is not on party drugs. If you keep that in mind, the urge to tell yourself "he's so hot I can't pass him up even if he is wasted on drugs" will pass.

If you still have trouble saying "NO", ask yourself this: Do you really want to validate yourself and your sexual worth against the low bar of someone who's so fucked up he doesn't know the difference between you and his ipod? Seriously. How is bagging a lame tiger going to help your sexual self-esteem?

[Your Mom]

You know Bradford, we wouldn't have this problem if the United States adopted a policy like Singapore where you get caned for importing or using drugs. Just some food for thought.

Oh, and I totally agree with viking. Stop fucking lowlifes to boost your aging ego.

[Mitch]

Simply put, the answer is "no"

[warm in chicago]

Time to move on here! Only loosers feel the need to party N play!

Just play as you want to remember it, right then why waste it with drugs?

Enough said!

[mikeijames]

you should have known something's wrong if he had to ask.

if you just met someone and they asked "do you like to drink" you'd automatically know there's something off there because that's not a normal question! i don't care if you drink or not. if it's so important to them that they need to ask before they can proceed, it's bad news.

[splerk]

"Expand Your Mind" my ass!
Expand it enough to overstate or overlook the obvious.
Then later in life, you wonder what is missing. That is Reality.
You escape reality by using something to fill a void.
And by doing so you still just don't or will never get it.
They don't call it wasted for nothing.
Waste of time.
You'd have to have been there to say something like that.
All my partier friends let the drugs do them in like they said it wouldn't.
The ones that are still alive stole from me to lose out on my friendship & now are still trying to fill the void of not being able to find themselves and never finding anyone else for them & screwing who ever comes along down with them.
It is basically the same story for everyone.
If you disagree, then you haven't gotten there yet.
And this story, is just a bit too hard to believe as it seems to be missing something.
Even the best & specially the EX party goers know that you aren't going to peek equally partying differently.
I don't care how hot the guy is.
Bradford has just learned, that there is more than just looks, right?
ha ha
Why she still feels the need to just get off with anything like with what she doesn't really want is another need to feel a void to fell complete as felt up for existence to be acknowledged.
She didn't even keep it up to get off from the screw & screwed herself at the same time.
Bradford, you feel desperate, because this story is desperate & it is just that simple.
Instead of rushing into blindly settling for "Been there done that", try patiently holding back for someone for something & then see how far you can shoot your load.
That Natural High is worth waiting for the good things that cum for those who wait. EDGE
You don't have to go home with just anyone.
There is nothing wrong with going home alone to whack off about the Greek Hottie.
At least with the fantasy you could do no wrong & you "got off" with the imaginary perfect fu_k!

[Nate]

I say no and I walk away. Literally or not. Hell, I don't even mess around with potheads anymore. The sex is fucking aweful, the conversation revolves around their habit, and I can't stand the smell and the taste of their lips.

When I find out a guy parties, it's over as they lose all attractive points they may otherwise have.

And here's a tip for pot smokers: Even if you haven't smoked anything in over 24 hours, I can still taste it. I'll bet it lasts a lot longer than that too.

Just fucking gross, dudes.

Oh, and lesson learned, right Bradford?

[Drew]

You know, I have to hand it to you Bradford. You're amazingly honest with yourself in these articles. Most people aren't willing to talk about all the things going through their heads with that much integrity.

I think it's really easy for people online to take a holier than thou attitude to your articles and flame you, but I believe that they aren't being as honest with themselves about their decisions and mistakes as you.

You have my respect.