Dating Bradford: The Benefit of the Doubt

Recently I wrote a piece about being stood up called, “Letting Go ,” but even after I’d washed that man right out of my hair, I still wondered why - after he pursued me with silly texts, thought provoking emails, and great hour long phone calls - he would bail on our first date?

So I took the “advice” of one of my commenters who posted something that stuck in my head. He wrote, “If it’s answers you want instead of revenge, why don’t you write him an email asking why he didn’t show?”

Simple, right?  The secret would be to do it in a non-confrontational way because the guy’s probably avoiding me - expecting me to hiss and spit fire (or write about him for the one of the world's biggest gay websites - Shhh, don't tell him I'm a columnist) and who wants to respond to any of that shit? 

I really was after answers instead of retaliation.

So I emailed this simple note: 

Hey Mister,  
Not that I’m bent out of shape or anything (anymore) but it was really odd that you were all up in my stuff one minute then POOF disappeared. What happened?
Not angry, just curious.

He wrote back: 

Bradford,

I'm very sorry for not getting back to you sooner. The night before our brunch date I had a really bad time with my shoulder injury from the bike accident I told you about -woke up in excruciating pain and went to see my doctor. He did X-rays and a cat scan, which showed that the bones were not healing properly and one piece had shifted up near my carotid artery in my neck. He said surgery was necessary and ASAP, so I got all caught up in prepping for that with all blood tests, papers, etc.... and ended up on the operating table by that afternoon. The procedure took four hours, some complications... kind of a mess actually. Anyway, I'm still recovering and have been off work, on major pain meds, and out of touch with my life completely. It's been sort of horrible actually, stitches from my shoulder to my sternum and my arm bound in a sling and waistband for five more weeks, so very limited movement.  
 
That's the quick update - one finger typing here. Again I’m sorry I forgot to call. I hope I can get a rain check and still meet you when I'm back on my feet.  

Okay, assuming he’s not a pathological liar – and if so he’s really good at it - wouldn’t you give the guy another chance? I mean, that’s the best excuse for standing me up I’ve ever gotten. He’s sent it complete with gory pictures of his puss oozing wound – isn’t that romantic?  So I wrote him back:

OH MY GOD - MAN DOWN!
WHAT A PRICK I AM for not asking if you were okay to begin with before jumping to conclusions.

I have such little faith in men lately, please forgive me for being so self-absorbed when you had to go through such a horrible ordeal.
 
I’m so glad I emailed because I totally learned a lesson about not making assumptions and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Now I feel rotten for thinking you were such a turd, I’d even bring you chicken soup to make up for it – or rather, Arnica might be more useful. 
 
Anyway feel free to call me when you’re up to it – I’d like that. I was enjoying our phone chemistry before the epic saga unfolded. 

Of course he called right away and we’ve been talking for the last couple weeks. It’s sweet actually – sometimes I get him at his Morphine best right before bedtime and he reminds me of all those addict ex-boyfriends of mine, only this time with a prescription. Sigh – color me co-dep.

The whole thing got me thinking, had I not taken the time to do such a simple thing as write him that email, I would still be leaving questions unanswered. 

So I ask you:
When dating frustrating vexatious louts, when do YOU give the benefit of the doubt?

(Photo: Heath McBride – shot at Empire Diner, NY)

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Based in New York City, Bradford Noble has been an international celebrity, fashion, and advertising photographer for 15 years. His first novel called, "Dating Bradford - A Memoir" is soon to be published. Still curious? Dive into his world!

Comments

[wyatt1969again]

Well…

This may seem extemporaneous - and it might be. But if it makes you feel any better - see it as well for the off the cuff colloquy it truly is.

Sorry - I just had to say that after reading the word “vexatious” - its such a…hmmm - oh yes - such a “tasty” word - you know - like “piquant” - that bitter bite reminds me of salt. But vexatious? - well that’s just peaches and cream you pretty little flower.

Now aside from this - I think second chances are often worth giving.

I think most men are nothing if not a little more frail than they appear to be. Why? I don’t know - I mean - I like to think I know it all - but I don’t. And that’s just it isn’t it?

Sometimes you will never know - and others - you wont until you at least try.

And so - it’s better to give men (really people in general) the benefit of the doubt - lest you fall pray to a life of suspect paranoia wherein trust has become a memory.

And don’t forget another very important point. Trust - is a major component of Faith. Not to get all Yoda (sorry Mr. Lucas) on anyone - but really - Trust lead to Faith and Faith leads to Love. This is the path of Hope.

I mean - often it might be easy to just say, “Fuck It” - because as we all know - disappointment of almost any type can be a real bitch. Now couple that with emotionally driven desire and its easy to see why tons of guys are all - “I have rules” - “if he doesn’t this or that” - you know - all that “don’t kiss him until the third date bullshit.

But it’s important to remember that every guy is different and so you just cant go round letting one bad apple spoil the barrel. Simple enough right?

Consider this…

We all know bullshit when we see it. Although assumption can be perilous - we all do it. How can we not? But at the same time - can we not reflect upon at least one incident within which we were wrong? About a person that is? I think so.

And so I guess my biggest point here is this…

It usually takes only one other man (besides yourself) to fall in love…with. So if its love you’re looking for - then giving someone the benefit of the doubt is something you should get used to because if and when you do fall in love - that’s exactly what you’ll be doing (hopefully) for the rest of your life.

[greggy]

Damn Bradford, looks like you're finally getting it right, with this guy. He sounds like a keeper, there's hope for you. You should be sending flowers to the guy who e-mailed you and encouraged you to contact this MIA date, EVERYBODY needs a friend like that! Who have thought stitches and puss could be so romantic (yeah--you got it bad)! A little advice: leave as much of the drama as you can at work (I really do want to hear ALL about your over-the-top exploits as 'Nurse Bradford' to this guy). Also wait until he's healed a little before you're all over him with your manic hot monkey sex self (you don't want to break something and put him back in the hospital). DUDE, make this work, you're worth it