Beginning The Coming Out Process

It is sometimes easy to forget that our community is diverse. We are comprised of individuals at different places in the coming out process. The coming out process is a remarkably individual thing and each of us will move through the experience in our own way. It is important to remember that each of us chooses the method of our coming out. For some people, this will be a relatively "easy" process while others will have a significant struggle.

An important tool is breaking through the isolation and shame of sexual orientation by sharing our personal story and listening to the stories of others. The public stories shared on the website as well as some of the emails I received highlight how important this is for many people. I'm moved by the amount of pain, fear, shame and guilt many people still struggle with in their process of coming out. I'm also moved by the courage expressed in the stories that can serve as inspiration to others.

While our stories are unique, it may be helpful for our individual growth by understanding the experiences of others. Hearing what worked or didn't work can be part of our growth and development. I think the responses highlight some of the things that helped. I encourage those who are earlier in the process to learn from you brothers and sisters.

Our coming out process is a repetitive process. Sadly, this means coming out is not a "finished product." When we meet someone new, or start a new job, or talk about what we did last weekend, we come out yet again. In each of the situations, we may go through quicker versions of the process. When I speak publicly, I often come out to the group. Almost every time, I have to go through process of identity comparison/tolerance. For me it occurs by wondering if the will they compare me to the stereotypes. I wonder if they are accepting enough, or will have to justify myself.

Coming out is only one piece of the puzzle. Implicit in the comments are references to many other topics. For any number of reasons, the coming out process is directly related to concerns such as guilt, shame, spirituality, risky-sex, and chemical use. Coming out will necessitate addressing these issues; and addressing these issues will also facilitate coming out.

What is the one thing you wish you knew in your coming out process?

Do you have a question about sex you would like Dr. Edwards to answer?  Send us an email.  We promise to keep your name confidential.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Weston Edwards is a psychologist licensed by the Minnesota Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community. His first book “Living a Life I Love™: Healing sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, sexual avoidance and other sexual concerns is now available. You can also reach him on Twitter at @wedwardsphd.

Comments

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Pointing out the diversity of the community is great, now if we could just get more people to understand and accept that! It is of very recent that I have understood and admitted to myself, I am gay! And yet the thought of coming out right now still terrifies me. There are many feelings going through my head at this time, guilt, fear, loneliness, uncertaintly, etc. I have many many freinds and yes im sure the true ones will be there but its amazing how my numerous gay friends, whom I have totaly supported for years, have been talking behind my back and not supportive ( info from a true and yes gay friend ). This has made it even more difficult. The one group of freinds I totaly thought I could count on for support has already let me down. I guess I am writing this to say, though you may be out and proud, as you should be, dont shun anyone you think should be out or is just not ready. And especially anyone you know is in a difficult situation ( ie married/gf and gay ) we are not all such horrible people. It may just take some of us longer to face and accept our sexuality, and face our friends and families. Unfortunately we have been (knowingly or not ) living the way we thought we were supposed to, the way we were brought up. Believe me, if you havent been there its much more difficult than you think. The greatest gift you can give someone is what you may not ( or may ) have been afforded durring your own issues, a shoulder for support or just to cry on!