The Invisible Generation

My friend Louis dragged me to a party of one of his friends, who just turned 21. At the party, Louis had a group of young guys hanging on his every word. He turned and pointed out a man in his 40s and said, "Who invited their dad?" All the boys giggled with delight at his remark as I stood stone-faced and not amused.

The generation that blew open the closet door and put out the welcome mat for all of us happens to be the same generation we throw back in the closet to hide them from the world. They are invisible to us.

Here are five reasons they should no longer be ignored:

The groundbreaking

Each year we work harder and harder to be less discriminated against as a community. We can all admit we still have a long way to go. Can you imagine what it was like decades ago?

There is a generation of gay men who were part of the groundbreaking movement to show that being gay was not a choice, not abnormal and not an "alternative lifestyle."

This generation participated in Stonewall, taught the world about safe sex and showed everyone that love is love. All the support organizations for gay and lesbian youth, HIV/AIDS, coming out, and fighting for equality started with one person standing up and making a difference. It was this generation we now ignore that helped us all.

The lessons learned

When you are having problems in your relationship, who do you turn to? Your friend who is still single? Or a friend who has been in a relationship for 10, 15, even 30 years?

Free advice is great, but it's even better when it comes from a valued source. Our older generations have more life experience to draw from. They can tell us about coming out, how to meet guys and date and how to put up with a guy long enough to be with him for 15 years.

When a friend of mine found out he was HIV-positive, it was an older friend that helped him through it. This man was HIV-negative, but his partner of 10 years was HIV-positive. He truly was able to understand and support my friend in a way I never could. He had more life wisdom to share from the heart to help my friend keep smiling.

The great stories

Where did you meet guys before there was Gay.com or LGBT events? Where did you go on dates before it was even acceptable to be "out"? What was it like coming out back then?

Our older generation holds the keys to many great stories about our history and experiences. To continue to grow as a community, we need to share our knowledge and our history.

When you go to the bookstore there are only a few shelves of LGBT books about our lives and experiences. Wouldn't it be easier to hear it from someone who lived through it?

The role models

Who do you look up to? Who do you want to be when you grow up? I doubt any of us want to be Britney Spears right now.

We all look to the older generation for role models. Someone who embodies the qualities and characteristics we hope to achieve. We can find great role models in the gay community if we stop pretending they are invisible and notice who they are, what they have done and even how they are willing to lend a hand to help us along the way.

The love

Those that came before us fought hard for change -- not only for them, but also for us. They wanted us to be free, happy and able to love who we wanted to love.

As a community, we can not afford to ignore this generation, because only as a whole community can we truly stand strong. Everyone who identifies as LGBT deserves to be part of the community and as a community we need to love each other. In the end, isn't that what all of us are fighting for? To be allowed to love who we want?

How can we ask others to accept us, love us, treat us with respect when we can't even do that for members of our own community?

Our older generation needs to be celebrated for all they did for us, the lessons they can share, the stories they can tell, the role models they are, and the love they are willing to give.

My friend Louis, from the party, is turning 40 next year and is desperately holding on to his youth as much as he can. Maybe if he showed respect to the older generation, he wouldn't be so scared that next year, he could be forgotten as well.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[mehmnet]

Oh jeez!

Look: yes - the older guys need RESPECT - but that does NOT translate into SEX WITH HOT YOUNG MEN.

I am 52 - I LOVE my YOUNG HOT GAY FRIENDS - BUT I AM NOT SEEKING SEX WITH THEM - THEY WANT "YOUNG HOT FIT" - I WANT "STRONG OLDER-THAN-ME MUSCLE-DADDIES".

NOT EXACTLY A FIT HERE - AND HOW DARE ANYONE DICTATE TO ANYONE - STR8 OR GAY - WHAT IS SEXUALLY APPEALING.

RESPECT THE OLDER MEN - YES - EVEN "LOVE THEM" IF YOU WANT - BUT PLEEEEZ: DON'T DEGRADE A YOUNG HOT MAN IF HE DOES NOT FIND AN OLDER GUY SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE!!!!

[Chad]

Respect is a two-way street, people. Too many young guys, like the ones talked about in the article, are stuck up assholes and that's completely unacceptable. But too many old guys act like assholes themselves and then piss and moan that young people don't give them the respect that, frankly, they DON'T deserve.

Guys old enough to be my father regularly make passes at me and largely react very badly when I decline their frankly unappealing advances. I do my best to be polite about it, since I know that approaching someone is difficult at the best of times, but being told that I should be more open-minded gets old really quickly when it's coming from a guy older than my parents who won't even consider pursuing a partner in his own age bracket.

[Jonathan O'Brien]

I agree. Simply put ;)

[Greg M]

Someone here said, "Respect must be earned..." HA!!!
Respect is my initial gift for you & the rest or you can speak for yourselves, I don't care how old, young, or fine you may think you are.
I didn't ask you the time of day so I don't expect you to give it to me.
BTW, I speak to everyone without judging as I did then & still now at 42.
Sorry kids, I never looked at anyone as just a fuck as it is just too rare a find the so few & far in between who deserve MY ALL.
And I was much finer & got much finer at your age too & will now & tomorrow.
But don't you frown kids because I have been there & done that with my exceptional sexual minority act of respecting you even as you walk away knowing that I will always be twice the man you will ever be while remaining the same young man still with 95 percent of his hair.
Besides I went out for me with a good conversation & party, not to just get into your pants.
I am way better than that & therefore probably too good for you.
So good luck in life with all that.

[Just me]

I really dont see how he became poplular as an anchorman to begin with.. It's not that hes older, he's just not that cute and he mumbles and on top of that hes really boring.. Nancy Grace has him beat by a long shot lol.

[Justme]

GO NANCY!

[Justme]

I also agree with the guy that said he finds gay men repulsively shallow.. If you look good they dont you.. they are insanely jealous and they will do anything to cut you down.. just to make themselves feel better.

[Jack]

I'm 43 and have had guys 10 years older than me tell me I'm too old. And then they bitch about being single and alone. Karma sucks...doesn't it?

[daniel]

There are two aspects to this article. 1) yes some of the lessons of age could be very helpful to younger guys growing though what we have been through, BUT remember we all have to learn for ourselves and have only ourselves to blame. So ask for advise, listen to us, or do it yourself. My way is not the only way. And 2) we are just like the hetero's, but it happens to us earlier. As you age your spouse dies and you are left alone. Sometimes your kids kick in and you get a once monthly visit that becomes everything you are looking forward to. For gays with out family or kids (as most of us are) it happens much earlier and we are excluded much easier. How many of you older guys only cruz younger guys? How many of you wont take the time to talk to someone your own age? Why dont we start groups as easily with older or retired guys to maintain our socialization. Cuz we are just like the younger kids. Very few of us have learned to be non judgemental of ourselves much less each other. We lived through the bad stuff and now are stuck in old habbits that keep us isolated, alone and lonely. Relationships with an individual or group take energy and work. We lead the change before. Lets lead for some change now. Start a group. Hug and older guy for no reason. You dont have to have sex with them to give them a smile or a hug. Be a little more out.

daniel 50yo isolated and learning every day

[46yo]

I was once hot but became invisible at 45, like someone flipped a switch. I keep trying to find guys my age that I find attractive. On the occasions that I find one, they end up being a Ho just like so many of the hot young ones, or they're extra clingy.

To the younger guys (30-40) that still give me the time of day and look me in the eye: Thank You.

To the rest of you twerps, I want to come to your 45th birthday party. I'll be the one pointing and laughing.

[moldar]

I love this article .Iliked it when you said:"In the end, isn't that what all of us are fighting for? To be allowed to love who we want?"

I love talking to people who are more wise and experienced than me because I can learn a thing or two. In my Arabic culture people of that generation would be respected.Its sad to see that in the US younger people don't respect people who have more wisdom and knowledge.

[Rob]

I am lucky enough to have a great uncle who is gay, and who was with his partner for 45 yrs. I love talking to him, and I am very thankful that I have him in my life. He is always helpful, and he always sends me cards, and notes, and reminds me about the things that are truly important in this world. As a 33 yr old gay man, who didn't come out until his late 20's I feel kinda left behind, but I am thankful that I have my Uncle to chat with, and to share a special bond, because we can chat about things, and I learn so much from him, and his wisdom, and his experiences. I only wish that I could help him more then I do. But, as a not so young gay man, I know that people are so set in the youth mindset, and some of these youngsters get away with stupid stuff, just because they are cute and skinny. But, they will learn. Anyways Great article!

[Ed R]

Being in my 40's myself, I would not want to go back to my 20's. I LOVE who and what I am now with a great circle of family and friends and I have good friends in their early 20's with No issues with older friends or dating them. It's all about the Maturity level of the person. I know men in their 20's who are far more mature then men in their 40's or 50's. I turn 41 this month and I am looking forward to it!!!!

[ganymede]

good article, now if everyone of all ages would read it and learn from it we might get somewhere. We can all learn something from each other when we communicate across generational lines. I've been around now for 64+ years and grew up in a rural midwest area, so I have experienced the difficulties of coming out just after Stonewall. Life still isn't easy for anyone in the gay community, but the younger generation can learn some good tips from those of us in the older generations.

[its.kota@gmail.com]

i work at 1800medicare, some of the beneficiaries, wow. thats all im saying they are a incredible generation!

[Laun]

I know the older generations are looking for respect here, and they get respect. Actually, I find the younger generations are showing the older generations very proper attention and respect. However, many older generation folks act like they know it all, look down and give younger guys a tough time because they think its funny. They often fail to do the opposite and listen to the younger generation's point of view and the things that they will have to deal with now and in the future. They seem not to care because there time is dwindling, they want their youth back and don't want to give credit or turf space to the younger guys. Yes sometimes younger folks are showoffs and think they own the world, they are just trying to copy the ways of the older gen.s. Counting back change at a register is the least of the worries a young person will deal with. Don't live your life to be mean to the younger folks they have alot on their plate to deal with, instead listen and then give a little more advice. Maybe you will save someone trouble down the road in the future

[Bruce]

It's sad that a lot of younger men think all older guys want to get into their pants. What's even sadder: You can't blame them because
there a lot of socially inept older guys who can't tell when someone is not interested.

If we were more honest with our intentions and open to valuing individuals for different things, we'd get a lot more out of life.

Let me be honest first. I am 46 and of course I'd rather do it with a 26 year old than a 66 year old. But I hope I also know that 26 year olds and 66 year olds may have other things to offer other than sex, or not... They're all individuals.

[Cody_Maine]

Interesting how gaycom posts a story on the marginalization of older gays, yet when it comes time to feature men on their site, those featured are invariably in their early 20s, buff, hung, and with faces that could make even the most jaded model photographer fall to his knees. I'm all for eye candy but you can't have it both ways. C'mon, gaycom, stop paying lips service to how valuable older gay men are, and show the world that hotness doesn't stop at 25.

[Ray]

I came home from basic training to hear of the "gay plague" breaking out in NYC and SF. I was closeted for my 20 years in the military, thinking, "Once I retire from the military, I can start living." I retired from the military at the age of 39, the few gay friends I had who would have been "my old friends" were all dead from AIDS, and I found myself new in town at the age of 40 and firmly entrenched in the "invisible generation". I'm now 47, was so "impressed" by what I saw in bars that I haven't been out in the gay community in about three years, sinking fast into a deep depression, and could care less if I ever go on another date in my life. Where the hell did all of the hatred and bitchiness come from?

[Alex]

I'm 46 years old. Many have talked about respect as in "respect your elders" but respect is something that is earned at any age. That said, in the gay community if there is one, I often feel invisible. I know what it was like when I was in my late teens, 20's and 30's. I was hot and had interest all of the time. That sort of interest has changed dramatically and young gay guys I meet call me Sir when they meet me socially (yikes). I admit that I've grieved the loss of my youth but thankful that I came out of it healthy and with a good life. I'm glad I had the experience with some great relationships and yes the sex was awesome.

I don't know what lies ahead. Ideally, I think I'm ready to love again, and maybe meet someone in my own age range. But I'm realistic, no matter how much I'm at the gym, or this type of clothing or that, this type of car or house or that, will change the reality of being 4 years from being AARP eligible. Gay immature guys will make their really terrible comments and in a few years they will not look back at those things with anything but regret because they will know the sting of those things from their own experience. Karma, who knows but the reality is that your hair will thin or grey an your metabolism slows down and if that is all that is wrong you are lucky.

At the same time, young guys don't have to be attracted to older dudes. A few are and if you are you and like older guys go for it. If you are not, don't worry about it and live in your own reality of youth while you have it. It does not last, know that fact.

As for my invisibility? its real and nothing said in this article or posted comments will change that fact, Guys ready to turn 40 or in your 40's on here is how we fight back.. we evolve, we use the power of our experience to reshape our reality, and use the power of our numbers to redefine the gay community. Our generation has reshaped the country for better in many cases and worse in a few others and its time to pull out our last act and reshape the gay community or we truly won't be a community.

As for you younger guys figure out your life and try to figure out that the party will end one way or the other and where you want to be when the music stops. Be part of reshaping our community and try to keep your words and attitudes in check, you too will have a slower metabolism and graying or no hair at all, so make it better for yourself in the future by having an inclusive gay community.

[Jaspersi]

While I appreciate the author's sentiment very much, and think his heart is in the right place, I find it rather off-putting that men in their 40s and 50s are somehow not regarded as the "present generation." I am 44, and view myself as quite present, actually, despite having been around for lots of important historical stuff since I came out in my late teens in the mid-eighties.

To me, the funny part is watching immature, half-educated, economically marginal twinks with limited life experience, a not many accomplishments speak and act as somehow it is they who are the "now generation." Assuming they do something with their lives, this will be true in about 15 years...

[Hypnotoad72]

Don't worry, these 21 year olds will eventually grow up, outgrow their diapers, and won't like it when they get treated the same way.

Maybe they can do something proactively to put these teens/20-somethings in their place. If they care.

Also, respect needs to be earned - but disrespect being a societal norm... I'd tell you what you can go do, but that would be disrespectful. And full of profanities you've never heard before...

[Indianapolis500]

I am 34 and I think this article was GREAT. I do not have many gay friends my age and I look up to the older guys that as the author perfectly said "laid out the welcome mat for the younger generation to 'come out'". Some of the comments from another article this week on whether there should be pride parades anymore or not, shocked me. I can see why 20 years ago, when I would watch the parade in Manhattan (grew up in NYC), where I would sneak out for the day from my religious family and see what was now out there was given to me by the older generation. I know I will get a lot of S*$T for this comment, but since perhaps 1995, and I am NOT talking about when HIV first 'hit the market', is now modeled from Darwin's "natural selection model". Most teens that get HIV are on drugs, Many new cases of HIV are in persons with mental illness, and many new cases of HIV are from alcoholic behavior. Perhaps this new generation of 40-sums with fancy degrees should turn to the 70-sums that GOT OUT ALIVE and utilize their knowledge to eradicate HIV in the USA and other first world countries.

[Laun]

From what I observed The older generations are getting the attention and respect they want. However, more often I find members of the older generation unwilling to listen or take the time to be there for the younger generations. They are often intimidated and desire their young lifes and turf back. They don't realize that every generation has something to give. The younger generations do not have to hand over their live just so the older generation can sit back and enjoy their retirement, gauck and criticize the youth. They were not as perfect back then either. Its a tougher world now and into the future than what the older generations have had. As I said before give respect where respect is given but do not just demand it from the youth. Until you lend an ear and be there for others with good advice and prove that you are not just going to walk away. Yes, most tend to hangout with those closer to their own age group abd should not be condemned for this.

[ROCKWOOD]

I read this article a couple of days ago, and found it interesting……….however, at the tender age of 47, I am not invisible, nor will I ever be.

Although I don’t claim to speak for every older gay male, I find it amusing that the younger crowd, if you will, think that older men really care about what they think.
Within the gay community, I seldom find any click with anyone under 35. To be quite honest, I typically ignore them.

This is not to say that there are not exceptions. I have run across the occasional well mannered young man or woman who is communicative, thoughtful, and accepting of the fact that we all age. Please note, I didn’t use the word respect. Respect must be earned, and has nothing to do with age.

I’ve also gone back to college to acquire a degree in IT. Interesting enough, I have great relationships with younger people in that realm. In our classes, we work together to understand and don’t hesitate to ask one another for help. Within my ‘group’ that tends to move through classes together, I encourage younger students to communicate more with their instructors, to make themselves be noticed and not just sit and be quiet.

I’ve had them come to me to discuss low level problems and I believe I’ve even discussed a few with them.
This isn’t to say that even in such an environment that supposedly straight youth might ignore older people; I feel they have a slightly different view.

So….you young post pubescent boys…….just remember, as you go for that job interview in retail, IT, design, architecture, or any industry for that matter, don’t be shocked if the man or woman interviewing you is someone that you’ve been blatantly rude to……save yourself the embarrassment and excuse yourself from the interview as….you will be the one that gets ignored.

Peace out and all that rawt……

[WK]

At 50, I find it particularly curious that many of my age group bemoan the fact that youngsters "ignore" them. Is this the pot calling the kettle black? How many of this group ignore their fellow 50-somethings as well? Check out Craigslist personal M4M ads (or any gay personals) and look at the ads posted by anyone over the age of 40 or so. I would say the vast, vast majority of these ALWAYS insist on connecting with someone 20-30 years YOUNGER than themselves. If I answer their ad, they don't even respond. I don't respond to younger folks and they don't to me either. That's fine. But I take issue when guys *my own age* think I'm too old. Have they looked in a mirror? Hello. You're not 20-something any more, didn't you know? (And no, you don't look it; don't go with that line of crap about 'relating better with younger guys' etc.)

Acceptance of older folks needs to start amongst the older folks themselves. Get past the arrested development, realize that you're not as young as you think you are and take a chance on someone your own age -- regardless of whether you think "it just doesn't turn you on." You can't bemoan the fact that others ignore you when you really are ignoring yourselves...

[Esteban]

I have to say, this is an awsome article. Not only were they the begining for our movements, but also fought many of our wars, before we were born. And no matter what they did, fight in a war, marched in protest, or helped one of us out, they will always be Heros to me. Before I joined the military, my biggest friend and greatest guy I met was 56, and gave me a helping hand to me. Now 22, and a Vet. it's awsome to talk to the few who share a story or two about how they handle their life at the time. I hope that when I reach that age I could do the same to a younger guy, it was them who made "us" possible. So my hat is off to them.

[JOHN]

I was a good-looking, young man with an athletic build, but was always choosey. It was not till I was over 40 that I found myself being pursued by the younger guys I found attractive. My most "successful" years were between 45 and 60. I was over 70 when three young and attractive men, two in their twenties and one a sixteen-year-old still at school came into my life. None of them was a queen. All three were very manly, two wanted to be fucked. They were also the ones who had been living with women until they met me. All three drove hundreds of kilometers to visit me. One kept in touch for years afterwards, another became my partner when he was 25 years old. He is still with me now and has just turned 33. The schoolboy went back to school.
Moral: You are better off without the company of a group of young nellies whose only interest is themselves and their like. The internet is full of young men looking for older men and interested in them for sex and for company. Why bother about the twits?

[davide]

Picture this: Coming out at 53, having known at 13 my true identity, after having a 25 year marriage and two fabulous supportive daughters, being in the company of teen-agers most of my life and living as one!
Now at 56 I'm struggling with the many facets of the big picture. Having done the LTR thing, I need to make up for the play time I've lost but it's like running different movies at the same time. We all want equality and that relies on a healthy social balance, temperance and appreciation. All you hotties out there; make a daddy's day! Be a part of the real social progress.
hit me up: dlk52

[PaulofQ]

I am 75 and older guys keep hitting on me. I tell them, "You're too old. I need someone much younger. Someone in their late sixties."
But they don't listen. Those who do think I'm joking.
And actually they're right.

[Stonewaller]

I am lifelong human rights activist
who participated in "3 Days of Rage"
following "Stonewall Rebellion."
This year the so-called "community"
is ostensibly celebrating the 40th
Anniversary, yet nobody contacted me.

A 25 year-old actor/director/producer
acquaintance has observed that the
generational divide in the Gay male
community is greater than that to be
found among most any other group.

My hurt is not about being rejected
by younger men. I have many younger
friends who appreciate the fact that
I truly respect them as people and
do not view them as sex objects.

My pain comes from being made to
feel unwelcome in bars and clubs
which might not exist without police
raids -- if at all -- were it not
for a handful of persons like me!