Are You A Sex Addict?
"I like sex. I mean, I like LOTS of sex. I see all this stuff on sex addiction, and wonder if I’m a sex addict. How would I know?"
There is a joke that a sex addict is anyone having more sex then me. Depending on whom you’re talking to, anything is possible. All joking aside, the most difficult part of your question is the fact that there is no easy answer. People want a Yes/No response. The only right answer is “it depends.”
I generally look for three themes.
#1 Is your behavior consistent with your values?
In my therapy, I push my clients to define their values that shape their life. I ask them if any behavior including sexual behavior is consistent with these values. On a basic level, a person knows if their behaviors and their values are consistent. I’m talking about the level of honesty when you look at yourself in the mirror. You know if something is consistent or not. If the answer is “no,” it’s important to start assessing your behavior.
Saying “no” doesn’t mean you're compulsive, but it is a place where you have to start addressing why you said no. The issues might be shame, history of anxiety, abuse, coming out or whatever. In some cases, the behavior may be compulsive. This analogy may be helpful to understanding this idea: When you get in your car are you driving or is the car driving you? In other words, are you directing your behavior or is your behavior directing you. Individuals who struggle with sexual compulsivity often report they feel out of control, that the sexual behavior is driving them.
#2 Is your behavior consistent with what you say to your support network?
By support network I mean your primary social network such as your family, friends and partner. These people reflect the larger community to which you belong. It’s a warning sign if you can’t share or talk about what you’re doing with them. Yes, I recognize the importance of discretion, but someone in your primary support network should know what’s going on.
A lot of people misinterpret sexual freedom as only meaning I can do anything I want. Yes, sexual freedom is the ability to choose but it also entails sexual responsibility. This responsibility is a two-way street with your primary network.
#3 Consequences of your behavior
If your behaviors are resulting in any of the following consequences, I urge you to look at sexual compulsivity as a possibility.
· You are breaking your commitments to others (the rules of your relationship, or missing/avoiding time with friends).
· You are violating social rules (watching porn at work).
· Putting your health at risk (repeated unsafe sex, mixing sex and drugs or putting yourself at risk of physical harm).
· Risking legal consequences (paying for sex, public sex).
· Preoccupied with sex (scanning everyone to see if they are a possible sex partner, spending lots of time on sexually related surfing the computer or waiting for tricks).
· You’re experiencing financial consequences (legal fees, paying for sex, loosing jobs, spending money on porn).
· Doing things you don’t want to do (only wanting oral sex but doing whatever the other person wants).
A great resource can be found at the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH.NET). I’ve recently published a workbook that also may be helpful. You can find out more at: LIVINGALIFEILOVEBOOKS.COM
Do you have a question about sex you would like Dr. Edwards to answer? Send us an email. We promise to keep your name confidential.
(Photo: Getty Images)
Dr. Weston Edwards is a professionally trained and experienced psychologist licensed by the Minnesota Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community."
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to serve as medical advice. The information provided should not be used for diagnosing or treating a health problem or disease. It is not a substitute for professional care. If you have or suspect you may have a health problem, you should consult your health care provider.
Posted by Dr. Weston Edwards on May 21, 2009 in Sexuality
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i love you
Posted by: llletien | May 25, 2009 at 10:45 PM
I wonder why you rarely deal with the situations and problems of older gay guys.
Posted by: Ken berry | May 30, 2009 at 08:14 PM
I like to buy porn. I put a cap on myself so I only spend no more than $150 in porn movies twice a year. Is this bad? It helps a lot because after I watch the movies I do not feel I have a high sex drive anymore. But after 6 months or so have passed, I start thinking in porn all day long again, so I end up buying it and the cycle repeats. I do not feel guilty becuase sex is part of a normal human being. In addition, I do not have a partner so porn is my only way out! However, I would like to know if I am a sex addict. I hope not
Posted by: Marc | May 31, 2009 at 09:52 PM
Marc, you need to get laid, quit wasting your money in your hand and spend some time with the living flesh
Posted by: tWIst | June 01, 2009 at 05:56 AM
Who determines how much sex is too much?, life is full of so many demands, schedules, work, family life, recreation, exercise, friends,etc. As long as you are not a sex criminal, rapist than your life and your preferences should be your own. I don't see how anyone can judge that for anyone else or prevent others their time. There is no sex liscense or sex pass in life. We live in a free country where our lives and freedoms should be protected. I keep hearing from the over religious "you are not important enough" or "you are not allowed to be with this person." Who in the HELL made these people God's replacement and personal judge committee and tell anybody what they will do. Sorry, but that FLAG still flies for us all.
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Is it bad when you have a lover and you still see other guys? I have sex with other guys when he's at work.
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hi sir,
how much time possible doing sex
For starting how many min we can do sex
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