Creating a "Relationship" Profile

When you first sign up at Gay.com to start your search for love, you have to create a profile. This online profile is your calling card to potential boyfriends. Here are five areas to think about when creating your successful profile to hook that first date with Mr. Right.

Age

You have a birth date and you simply enter it -- but not the case all the time. If you look 30 but are 42, you are still 42. If you are 18 and look 21, you are still 18. "Age" does not mean put what you look like; it means put your real age. If someone won't talk to because of your age, move on. Lying is not going to help you.

When I was 22, I dated a guy I thought was 32. Everything went well for a month; then I found out he was 37. The relationship ended not because he was 37 but because if he could lie to me about something as simple as his age, what else could he be hiding? The trust was gone.

Photos

Looks are not everything, but we all know physical attraction is important to us. You'll need a photo on your profile, not only so people can see what you look like but to make yourself a real person they are talking to.

Make sure you keep your photos current. Just because you think you still look like you did in college doesn't mean everyone else does. Also, make sure we can see you in the photo. A clear photo from the waist up is perfect.

The best photos are the ones that show the real you. If you normally smile, smile. If you always wear a baseball cap, then wear one. If once every six months you like to wear tight leather pants and carry a crop whip, I would just save that for later, not for your profile photo.

Adult photos

When I, and I assume most gay men, see a picture of your dick or ass, I do not think of love first . . .

If you are looking for sex, adult photos are fine, but when looking for love, I would refrain from showing all you've got. Leave something to the imagination. You may get more people talking to you, but are they the people you are trying to attract?

What you are looking for

A good friend of mine told me he was over online because all the guys wanted was sex. Of course, his profile marked "action/sex" as one of the options.

If you want "action/sex," then be honest and put it in your profile with "relationship" but understand you will get people just looking for just sex sometimes.

If you are truly looking for a relationship, try to stop hooking up for quick sex online. Just like the gay community, the online community is well-connected, and people talk. You just want to make sure you represent yourself as truly as you can. You never know if the guy you hooked up with last night happens to be best friends with the guy you have a date with tomorrow. Trust me, it happens!

"About You" blurb

This is where a person can stress the most. What do you write about yourself?

Write a little bit about your personality, what you like to do. Talk about the qualities you actually possess. Explain why you are online and what results you want to achieve.

Stay away from being negative. We all have been burnt on dates or relationships; you don't need to share the bitterness in your profile. Let it go for the opportunity to start anew.

Remember to talk about yourself and not what you are looking for. Many profiles list what they are looking for or not looking for in someone. This section is about you, not your dating criteria.

I hope these tips help you feel more comfortable creating a "relationship-focused" profile. Share your personal tips in the Gay.com comment section and let's help each other find what we're all looking for.

Just be honest and true to yourself. Ask for honest feedback from friends if you're not getting results you want. Most of all, have fun!

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Comments

[TheLordofWales]

Why would someone NOT put what they're looking for in the About You section?

If you don't like guys older than 40, list that.
If you don't like guys younger than 30, say so!

I can see why you should avoid have a long list of criteria. You'll alienate everyone.
Most adults know what they like and don't like, so some parameters are good.

During conversation, criteria tell you if the person READ your profile. This allows you to ask questions to see IF they read your profile... or just liked your pictures.

On the other hand, some guys write EXTREMELY long About Me sections, which is OK sometimes, but don't expect someone to memorize every word.
If they read it and are still interested then great.
Remember they're summing you up as well. Don't be completely judgmental.

You want to be yourself ... but not all of yourself all at once. Reveal more and more of yourself progressively.

A profile should be a lead in to a first date, not a husband. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

[g]

no matter what you put on anyone will complain.

(1) have one hell of a nice tight body with a smile. It's candy to tempt someone.

[Todd]

All this is nice and fine and everything but the sad fact of the matter is that, while the majority of guys on this site say they want a relationship - rather "more than a hookup", they really are just looking to get laid! Everyone knows this - gay.com is one of the sites you go to if you want to get some!!!

[Nick]

Part of the problem with gays looking for love is that there looking but they don't love there self. I know i am 31 but i look much younger but i am not a shame of being 31. I do not care for that guys that are Lying. I will not talk to them anymore if i get them Lying.
If your not happy with your life you will not be happy in a relationship

[Bex2]

I would also add that, even when looking for love (and especially if just looking for chat/sex/friends), less is more in terms of the 'about me' section. I'm not saying to give minimal detail, just that the 80-page novel about yourself is ridiculous overkill. It's counter-productive and really tends to scare people away.

[Your_Fear]

I think nowadays people don't read profiles, just surf them like if it would be some sort of a shopping catalog. Oh well who in his right mind will "search for love" in a place like this anyway.

Don't shot, beotches!

coz I do.

:D

[Brandon Sills]

THIS is the kind of shit i'm talking about right here. i can tell ya there's thousands of profiles out there with very outdated information or information that is not "accurate" (a.k.a. it's a lie).

i was pretty much blunt in my profile about me as an entire person and probably left out a few things myself that people can later on in life learn about me without immediately knowing it. that's part of the imagination you need to have. spill all of the beans, and you're still interesting, or you're less interesting while being interesting.

i think the more blunt and direct and honest you are in your profile, the more respect you'll get from people. there have been HIV+ people hit me up who say in their profile they're HIV-, i've had 47 yr olds hit me up while claiming they're 35 but obviously look somehow older.

the fact is BE BLUNT AND DIRECT AND YOU MIGHT JUST SCORE YOURSELF SOME MASSIVE RESPECT FROM PEOPLE!!!

and if you care to try and judge me based on this, you can look up my profile on here. it's brandon_sills. feel free. i could honestly give less a shit if someone tries to stab me for being very honest and open-minded in my profile WITHOUT PROVIDING ADULT PICTURES OR MARKING ACTION/SEX! why? BECAUSE I AM NOT LOOKING FOR IT!

[cosmo_boi]

I'd like to see an article about racial judgements... I live in a small city, but i've never felt soooo black in my life. Like everyday, some guy has to remind me of that.
About this article, i'd just say whatever you put on your profile, you still cant make'em happy!!!
whoever said women are complicated and hard to please, didnt know about gay men!

[TILLI]

Isn't that the truth, cosmo_boi!

[jeff]

I've told people this for YEARS on here who ive talked to who complain about not finding 'relationship focused' people on here to chat with when their pic is of them on their back in a thong . I also agree with the rest of it ... especially the part about having current photos. Too many times people who are 30's or 40's put up pics of themselves when they were 18. not only is this very deceptive..it shows you don't love yourself and ..its no longer 1999 or something like that. It's VERY easy to get a digital photo!

[tj]

wow. you're just all kinds of fulluvurself.

[Kurt]

Good point, Bex2. Whenever I see those profiles that read more like treatises, I move on.

Even worse than those, though, are the types where the guys list all the sorts of people they won't talk to or where they say they will stop talking with anyone who says certain things, or various other rules. Those types of profiles serve as the sort of advertising that lets the would be consumer know that the person with the profile has more than a few screws loose.

[zarxo]

Even with all that (and points up), as per Habits of the Heart,"...Love seems so natural it hardly requires explanation...it works...it 'feels right,' and you don't want to be with anyone else."

To maintian a realtionship after falling in love, keep your self actualized and your self ambitious--the two fundamental factors for sharing and for maintaining individualization.

[John]

I thought Michael Moniz did a great job with this article. I find it surprising how many of the follow-up comments on this and most other articles are so incredibly negative. Quite amazing really - it's a wonder anyone will write articles here at all.

As for me, I will probably make a few adjustments to my profile based on the advice given.
Thanks for the tips Michael!

[wallace]

I don't care what race you are. there are attractive people in all races. don't mean that i'd go to bed with most of them, but i might consider.............some of them are really cute ! that's a fact ! I put down safe sex only, and never got a response from anyone. Now I'm afraid..........wow ! and then people are blaming the govt. for lack of support....?? I don't think so........ !they have the support but love to fool around and then they claim to be ignorant of the matter.......what a joke eh???

[Daniel]

I enjoyed the article and it has sound advice. I would add to the comments about photos that not only should you not post out of date photos but you should not post photos of models from porn sites on your profile like one or two folks I have seen on here.

[Tim]

I put that I'm 99 years old in my profile. I have no problem saying my real age (42) but I don't look it and it's not my fault that faggot culture dictates that once you're past 35, you become a dinosaur. You know that mindset is everywhere, of course it's in the straight community as well but fags make it so much worse because of all this goddamn body image superficial shit. I'll be open about my age when airhead fags get over being 'ageist'! (you know who you are)

[full deck]

I think it's O N L Y < 2% of ALL people subscribing to online "dating"
or "sex" sites end up really ever dating ONE person several times.

We should be able to use high-tech, high-speed modern technology to our BEST-case senarios (email,Instant
Messengering, swapping photos in nanoseconds, phone capabilities, videos, etc.)

All the silly flirting, winking and 1 & 2 sentence emails, or worse, ENDLESS diatribe, going-nowhere emails that reveal NOTHING, makes it all such a waste of time, energy and resources.

I think my age & preference for Blacks keeps me well OUT of the runnning, as in real life.

All the Blacks in Milwaukee are hu$tler$ - CLOSET-heterosexuals who justify sex with a guy because they are too lazy to work, have felony records, quit school in the 8th grade, do NOT have a car (a few do), lost driving priveleges, but act like they're doing tidy-whitey a FAVOR shakin their dong "How much is it worth t'ya?? They hu$tle because they lack interpersonal relationship skills in how to TREAT a women as a human being. And they abound on this site. Spot them fast: they have NOTHING in their profiles; if ANYthing they may list "Bisexual."

Most peeps online purposely OMIT (ever heard of "a LIE of omission"?)
pertinent info, such as weight. When I ask a guy how much do you weigh, he NEVER respond. Shit, go to the gym...or else list "I seek a chubby chaser, cause I'm morbidly obese AND LAZY!!" They're out there...yechh.

"Art imitates life." "Online virtuality reflects human reality,
but worse.

I, too, do not like the vagaries of reality, or the stresses, problems, obstacles it offers, but at least I'm playing with a

[Southern Guy]

I totally agree with John, in spite of all the negative comments that followed his article. Being someone who is looking for a long term relationship myself, I have naturally followed his advice since I first created my profile.

Great job, Michael!

[Stephen]

I completely agree with Michael, and sadly, despite following his advice, I still am alone. But at least I'm going about it honestly.

[Nopic]

You should never look for a serious relationship on the internet. You either run in to full on bullshitters or internet celebrities. I don't care what a person says or how many photos they place in their profiles, the impression you get from a profile and the impression you get from actually meeting that person, will ALWAYS be different. But I get it. Some people look their best online, so that's why they put so much value one how one advertises themselves through this venue. Online, they are the star, so they feel they are entitled to be demanding divas. "No pic, no reply". Interestingly, how often do you see, No description of your personality, lifestyle, and ambitions in life, no reply"?

[Clay]

It's all a facade, really. Tell everything, tell nothing. Half a lie is half a truth. But regardless of motive or direction, I think gay.com and other venues like it are merely another avenue or tool of self exploration and personal definition that, perhaps, along the way one might encounter love... or maybe the most reasonable and/or willing facsimile within cam-scope or driving distance. Opposites attract, birds of a feather, role play, all of the above all abound here and beyond. Relish in the fact that such a realm exists and explore it at your glory or peril. Like many thing in life, it is further exploration in the land of innumerable possibilities.

[Ha!]

What do you do when you live in a small town and people are either way too old or way too young and those very few are ugly and perverted whores???? I know Move but what if thats not an option? Then what?

[Lee]

I find that most people just look at the PICs & no matter what words you put in your profile its ignored anyway. Unless your really good looking I have no hope in meeting guys no matter what I am after.

[Ray]

People don't inherently want to lie. Something in their past has pointed them in that direction. Yes, we live in a culture that celebrates (and lusts for) youth - which is why we end up with 35 year old guys telling 31 year old guys that they are "too old" for them. I'm 47 and I put 47 in my profile. I'm overweight and that's in there, too. So, why won't anyone give me the time of day? Because I'm old? Because I'm fat? Or maybe because online web sites are loaded with a bunch of lonely people who have impossibly high expectations? (BTW - what came first? The lonely heart or the unrealistic expectation?)

[Splerk]

You'd think since most of us are "OUT" here in the open & represented by all colors of a rainbow, we'd be easily OPEN MINDED enough to read between the 2D lines of a profile or curious enough to expand our horizons of the vast gray areas each of us provides.
SHOW SOME DEPTH and creativity for a peek of your persona just enough to Step Up not to just stand too much out for us who stray from the generic norm.
Some People in here have,
"Whatever is interesting, fun or otherwise challenges me." -
In their 'What I'm Looking For' section.
And then have "Something that doesn't make me yawn" in their 'Ask Me About section.
Good luck ever pleasing that egotistical one As if he was ever that hot to kiss his butt enough to worship the ground he walks on to put his sagging ass up on a pedestal. LOL
Anyone who is willing to TAKE SOME TIME to read a profile is considerate enough to take his time with me.
And all the Awesome Hardcore Sex/Action is guaranteed to follow if OUR Banter Boughts Work Out well.
If you tell yourself that you will not find love here if that is what you are looking for, then you will not find it here or anywhere with that attitude.
Some of us like reading well written profiles & these comment.
This is an entertainment website.
LOL
Just a Hot Bod, Hung like a Headless Horseman or just a Big Dick Pic?
You are probably just that, a Big Dick or Dumb Jock who can barely gives more then just a mindless f*&k.
And to you GQ (Grammar Queens)?
No one likes to be corrected all the time, ti feels like being nagged by a bitch & if I wanted that I'd be str8. lol
I am not a moron, I'm a bad speller smarter in other areas.
Anyways, ... just my POV & I like reading people's profiles & comments.
If I find someone here or not, great.
I love everyone from the 1st & it gets less as we move on. LOL

[Jonathan]

This helps. I mean, yea, we all know this stuff and it is common sense but sometimes it helps to read it so it sinks in. Sometimes after coming home from another bad date you immediately turn on the computer and start tapping away at the keyboard making that ol' laundry list of 'absolutley not, never again' qualities that you just spent the last hour looking at or listening to. But people reading your profile dont' know that. It's hard keeping all this in check because we don't want to waste time. Most of us don't mean to hurt other guys' feelings. But we want to make it clear what we seek and don't seek; yet it's tough because sometimes in real life when you meet someone who you swore up and down you wouldn't like - there might be something about their smile, or their eyes, or something that makes all those 'requirements' go out the window. When you alienate people off the bat online, you're missing out on a lot of great people. So it's tough to know exactly how to word these things.

Excuse me. I am back to the drawing board to rewrite my profile again.

[Roger]

I would add that people read alot into your 'nic' or 'handle'. I used to have the word big in my gay.com online name only because it was describing the next letter as in bigR. Over the years I came to realize that guys were reading into that nic that I was 7 feet tall with a 12 inch dick. So I changed my nic and got rid of the big, but then I realized because I had the word "studmuffin' in my profile heading guys were searching for the word 'stud' and assuming I was a top, etc. So, I removed that from my profile headline. I have also found that if I post a picture without my head alot of guys assume I am asian. So, for the most part, I stopped doing that as well. Those three changes seem to have weeded out those contacts that were misreading. However, this experience has shown me that most guys just look at pics or nics and don't read profiles or even chat mini profiles and bio-lines.

[romeo]

An important one would be to put who you are, not what you want to become. I dated guys because their profile said they were into the same things I was. Most people say they are into hiking. I am a good hiker and whenever I invited a date for a little hiking, they just were not into it. When confronted, they only said "Well, I have never done it but I would love to" The same thing happen with the wine tasting and taking short trips. Its important to reflect who you really are for your profile to work.

[Justin W]

This was one of the most honest things ive read on here. everything that was posted is true. but even guys looking for love have been guilty (myself included) of hooking up for sex cause after all we are only human so i guess that can be difficult to find a relationship when like was said, the guy you slept with last week could be friends with your date this weekend. and boy has that happened to me and boy do people ever talk. i unfortunatly have gotten a very bad reputation on gay.com, people think im uptight, mean, mentally unstable and very narsisic and im not. i get judged more often then supreme court ruleings and im tired of it. ive had my profile on here for 8 years and ive posted postitive things in it and say exactly what i want and exactly what im looking for and i still get guys pvting me for sex or no pvts at all when i sign on. ill be 29 next month and still single so apparently doing the right thing is also wrong. and apparently being yourself like everyone says is also wrong. so go figure....

[gidderguy]

I purtnear covered everthang in my profile.
Al Borland, where are you, tiger? >

[Jim]

I think this is a good article. and I think it makes a strong point to how you develope a profile that meets the goals of what you are looking for. for example if your looking for sex, well the skin pics, and lack of personal information are pretty appropiate, and most likely meet that goal. I know for myself, although Im not looking for a quicky, I apreciate the honesty of the guys who are. I dont understand the principle behind not posting a picture, No matter how great you can sell your personality and likes, if you dont post a picture you are setting your self up for dissappointment. like it or not, physical attraction plays a big part in how we develop relationships, even freind ships. and the age thing, well, its everyones worst enemy. I mean to get down on young guys because they look for guys their own age is wrong, and the older guys who complain, well come on, a young guy is nice to look at, and many have awesome personalities, but be fair, look in the mirror, we are what we are, and many of the older guys wont even talk to guys their own age. thats a pretty good clue to character, that appearance is more important than substance. Ive been doing this for many years, and the one thing I have always done is be honest about who I am and what I look like. I take a terrible picture, and it amazes me that in the people who might ignore me in these rooms, are the same people who meet me in person and go holy shit!. I remember this one profile, it had a heading that stated
:sex first, freinds later" so much of this is geared that way. Really, this is what we base our relationships on?, I;m thinking they are on here all the time because that philosophy works so well, or maybe because it doesn't, and they have so much free time.

[AK]

Thank you!

[Nopic]

Well Jim if you could help me understand the principle of insisting on a photo before meeting or even talking to someone, I'd like to hear. Do you really think that someone can prove someone else's identity prior to meeting, from an image they received on the internet - a source of tons of images?

[Erik]

Being honest is the best policy. Don't say "I'm looking for friends and you only talk to guys you would fuck" Don't say you are a TOP, and you got your Ass in the air in the picture, and respect peoples wants, you cant fight attraction, don't get mad if you don't fit in someones zone move on, there really are plenty of fish in the sea.

[Travis Colten Yocom]

I have had absolutely no luck on dating sites and at least amongst Bears, I have been told I am not bad looking. Yet that never translates into even a date at Burger King, let alone rose peddles, pasta and wine....no one yet seems serious about even meeting, forget a relationship....I have no idea why they bother putting up a profile considering the bulk of them I have seen say they want a relationship, no drama and no games....I guess if you never follow up, then there is no drama and no risk. Kind of like shopping but putting the item back just before the checkout....you looked at and handled said item, but did not buy it...

[victor baldan]

Can anybody tell me how to post pictures into my profile? I would like to do so, but there is nothing in the help section. Plse help. THNX