Stop "Fitting In" and Create Your OWN Voice

When I was about 6 or 7 years old I remember my mother telling me the world did not revolve around me. Like most parents, she wanted to teach me there are different perspectives in the world, and I wasn't the one and only.

Growing up, I learned how to respect other people's views and thoughts, and realized we all come from different places and experiences. I learned we all have families, dreams, fears and a desire to belong. I think all children learn how important it is to fit in when teams are being picked in gym class and we realize we fear being picked last.

During middle school, I learned that fitting in requires showing that we belong to a group. One of the easiest ways to do so was by putting down others. I watched many students get in trouble for using derogatory names to put down certain ethnic groups. I even remember a teacher spending half the class telling us how wrong an offending student's comment was.

I also learned that it was OK for the kids to call me a fag or queer. In gym class, a group of students were really laying in on me using these words, and the coach said, "Knock it off -- until after the game." It needed to stop for the focus of the game, but the name-calling could return when the game was won.

So hurt and upset with the name calling, I went to a teacher for support. I was told it would just be easier if I would "fit in."

After high school I headed to college and then to corporate America, where I learned it was just as important to fit in. Everyone was kissing ass and fighting there way up the ladder. If you weren't in on the game, you were pushed aside and judged. Now we labeled people "slackers," "lazy," "not leadership material" or "not a team player." These were the new names used on a different kind of playground.

After years in the rat race, I realized that my mother's advice -- that the world did not revolve around me -- had led me to believe that I should live my life by what others expected of me. Of course, this belief was reinforced by teachers, peers, co-workers, leaders, society and others around me.

I wasn't living my own life; I was living my life for others so I would fit in. It was time to break that mold.

Here are my tips for letting go of the idea of fitting in, and for creating your own voice:

1. Be aware - Start to take inventory in your life. What are you doing that you really want to do? What are you doing to fit in? What choices are your own and which are pushed on you by others? Starting to pay attention to your own dreams, goals and passions allows you to start being authentic to who you are.

2. It is about creating and not finding - I don't mean your voice is hidden in a box somewhere and you have to go find it. I mean you have to create it, and you will keep creating it your whole life. It is a process of discovery where you'll find out what you like, want and need in life. Those things will change as you continue through life. You just have to be willing to begin the process and enjoy the journey along the way.

3. 5 years - Start asking yourself this question: "Will [whatever I'm struggling with] matter in five years?" I think you will be surprised how often the answer will free you from worry about something you're about to do or regret about something you've already done. You live only once, and you need to get the best out of this life. Putting things into perspective helps you really decide what is important and what is not.

4. The company you keep - Pay attention to the people you keep around you. Do they respect you? Do they allow you to have your own thoughts and make your own choices? Or are they quick to judge, direct criticism and negative comments at you, and keep hurting you with their words? The people you keep around you affect your life more than you know. There are tons of people who will accept you for who you are -- you just have to be willing to look for them and, of course, not judge them in return.

I guess, in the end, it is all about you. There is a balance to understanding that we are all part of a larger community, but ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness.

A lot of people say it's hard to be yourself. Well, it really isn't. It is only hard when you're still holding on to the idea of fitting in. When you truly let go, you'll be at a place where you are just being yourself. You'll notice you no longer have to say hurtful things and put others down to feel better. You'll no longer feel obligated to act or say certain ways. You are just you. Simple and easy. Realizing this will take time.

What is the best part of being yourself? No one can do it better. Being yourself is what makes you unique. No one can copy that, and, deep down, many people wish they could. It is easier being free from the trap of fitting in.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Todd]

Funny article coming from a "community" that is all about fitting in or being pushed aside like yesterday's garbage. The articles on here get more and more amusing.

[Jos B]

@ Michael Moniz :

Thanks again for your helpfull advices, I love reading you at every time.

[Axel T.]

I'd rather eat shit and die because in 5 years, what I am doing will not matter at all. I am a slave to a society, and that's all I'll ever amount to because that's what is expected of me; to work 40 hours a week, pay utilities and debts, consume, and procreate.

Will what I'm doing matter in 5 years? Fuck no. Nor will what most of us want to do matter in 5 years from now.

Maybe it's time we woke up and stopped eating shit straight out of the corporate ass, and start doing things on our terms.

[msb45a]

This is a great read! The article really opened my eyes to who I really am. I will be using the points in the article to re-access my life from this point on. I'm going to bring it up to my Job councelors. Thank you.

[neonbabyblue]

What a tremendously vague and unhelpful article. I agree with Todd, it is unusual to read an article about not "fitting in" coming from a community where wearing the correct clothes, watching the correct movies, listening to the correct music, having the correct body, and having the correct political opinions are paramount.

[K]

RE: "Funny article coming from a "community" that is all about fitting in or being pushed aside like yesterday's garbage."

We live in a shallow, consumer oriented society. Sometimes it seems like everyone on here wants to blame "the gay community" for the shallowness and selfishness that exist in the United States. If you think about it, doesn't it make sense that since you're living in a shallow, selfish society, it would rub off on the smaller LGBT communities? Sometimes everyone is so locked into looking at other people who are just like them they can't see the larger picture. It just gets wearisome being blamed for something as a gay man, that non gay people do too. I didn't invent superficialness or selfishness or insensitivity to others (that is, the "human condition"). Gays and lesbians really have contributed a lot to society (the arts, government, etc.) and that should be taken into account too.

[Brandon]

It really is a shame how shallow and superficial people can be. I acknowledge that people are people gay or straight but it's quite evident that the majority of gay people, since i'm gay and have more interpersonal relationship experience with other gay guys, are usually shallow and superficial and seem to put a very high price tag on the trivial things such as how "hot" you are or what you have. It is very saddening and you hardly can find anyone in the gay community anymore who is down to earth and simple and doesn't think like this. Much less, someone who is nice and interesting and intelligent. Everyone is so stepford.

[Alex]

Ahh, it's funny this article comes up now, as just a few months ago I finally found out that I'm happier just being me, rather than trying to suppress myself to make other people comfortable. Maybe I do freak people out a lot, and make them uncomfortable, and maybe I don't 'fit in' or will be picked first for some big promotion when I graduate and get a job, but even dirt poor and out on the street I could still be me, and I'd rather die as myself than live as someone else, and isn't that really what our movement has been about? The freedom to express who we are how we want to do it. Though indeed, as many people have been pointing out, our community has become so shallow and materialistic that we've lost the sense of individuality and expression that made us strong in the first place. I hope we can find it again, because if all anyone is looking for is carbon copies then the world will be a very boring place.

[Sargon Bighorn]

We might "live in" a shallow society, but we don't have to be like it. And as for not "fitting in", show me one person that does not want to fit in some where or with some group. No one is an Island.

One of the MOST destructive sentences of an other wise good article is this one, "There are tons of people who will accept you for who you are -- you just have to be willing to look for them and, of course, not judge them in return."

We all make judgments about others all day long. I "Judge" my friends to be loving, kind, and fun people. Is THAT judgment not allowed? I judge some people as being dangerous and not healthy to be with. That judgment keeps me out of harms way. The truth, which MUST be spoken, is that judgments based on sound evidence, compassion, and understanding ARE to be encourage and made against other people. We all make judgments, they keep us alive. I appreciate the author was speaking of judgments based on less sound principles.

[JustAReader]

And always remember, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh, people like me.

[John]

Completely with you 100%. Good advice!

[Laun]

Your correct when fitting in means
be part of cliches that alienate and discriminate I will head that advice as well.

[Laun]

(HaHaHaHaHaHaHa) is someone sitting around being too much a cold hard ass judge with no heart of everyone else. Its the touchy feely people that actually keep the gene pool around so don't get any superior complex.

[just me]

The article seemed overall positive and insightful to me. It wasn't the best advice in the world, but sure is better than most could give. Fitting into a "crowd" is practically necessary, meaning work, family, friends, or any other type of environment where it usually happens. Even a "crowd" of two can fall into the definition of fitting in. Being "in" the crowd sometimes makes it so easy to forget those on the "outs".

[splerrk]

RE:
"I guess, in the end, it is all about you."
Finally! - A statement from Gay.com not only I agree with but makes complete sense.
And as far as some of these commenters in here who are self lothing of your own Gay Society... Speak for yourself.
Now that you have come "OUT" ... STAND OUT and make the difference.
If you don't like the "Society" make it a better place by starting with yourself.
What I have learned to dislike most about the Gay Community since joining Gay.com is all the negativity.
But it makes it "All About Me" with my positive indifference.
Besides everyone is too busy worrying about their own crap, like fitting in to be too concerned whether you fit in or not.
So why should you worry about it?
One less thing to stress about.
By this, we all fit in.
After all 50% of people, Gay or Straight either like you or they don't.
That will never change.
So just be yourself ^ you can't go wrong whether you fit in or not.

[Shaun]

Its getting REALLY tiring of all the whiney ass fags who comment on these articles in such a negative light....LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES!! FUCKING GET OVER IT!! Pull up your boot straps and keep going...Jesus H Christ!! No wonder why society thinks fags are a bunch of sissy girly limp-wrists with no backbone!! If you think you can give better advice, DO IT OR SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

[Laun]

Being gay doesn't mean others have to act in such militant "prickish"
manners. Oh yes when the deed needs to be done you only have to ask, not demand.

[fulldeck]

I've NEVER felt I fit in with ANY group, especially in the fag community - they're too busy being better than I. I've always prided myself on being independent...solo.
What will I be doing 5 years from now? Hopefully NOT on gay.com or similar sites...people on these sites feel more "liberated" in being hurtfully honest (vain?) with their false expectations and unrealistic demands in seeking someone.
Like this article says life is about discovering. And "who" isn't part of it for me. Why would anyone need a person in their life if that person doesn't care about them? I'm too busy for people who are too busy for me!

[Mark Roberts]

Ok. So, I do not agree with the gay thought that we are born this way. I believe we are formed into this by the way we are treated and raised. So, if anyone has a medicine for gayness, just go ahead and post here. I am tired of being gay and the way of thinking of gay people. So, there it is. I created my own voice. Let's see the respect I get for this.

[DJ_JD_1981]

I was excited to read this article. Then I got to the third and fourth paragraphs, where I encountered something common and offensive in our community: comparing racism with lgbtqc-discrimination in such an offensive (albeit, also defensive) manner.

Why must (almost always caucasian) persons of the lgbt community use race-based discrimination as a foil to sexuality-based discrimination? It's not a foil. They are both horrible. They are both wrong. They are both unacceptable.

The next time someone calls someone else a f_g, and the public outcry isn't passionate enough in your opinion, your first thought shouldn't be "if they said n_gger, there would be an uproar." Of course there would be. And there should ALSO be an uproar for the use of the F word too. It's not a competition.

Defending racism isn't wrong, notwithstanding the fact that sexual orientation discrimination isn't always defended with as much fervor as necessary.

How are we ever going to rise up as a people if we keep spreading so much hatred among ourselves?

In conclusion, I stopped reading your article because you came off kind of racist AND you mispelled some words. Please get it together!

[DJ_JD_1981]

In case I wasn't clear, I was referencing your statement about one teacher spending half the class lecturing on the ills of racist comments, while your coach allowed you to be tormented regarding your then-assumed sexuality.

The first teacher was admirable. The coach was an ass. Yet, you chose to use the first as a foil - generally implying negativity regarding the first teacher's comments.

[Qweety Qweeter]

Screw That! I recently turned 29... Yah yah we all know what that means 89 in gay... As far as fitting in I say FUCK it. The gay community is all about fitting in and being a cookie cutter bitch with your A&F jeans and designer shit. Don't get me wrong I love nice things, but I'm not a stereotypical fag. You know what? I don't have the body of a model. So what? By keeping company that only prefers people that are perfect is a bad idea. I say buck the system and do your own thing. Make nice with people that are willing to accept you for the real you. Be yourself, be true, and do what you want.... Sometimes though you have to play the game especially in corporate America until you are put in a position to make changes.

[JLH]

Great advice Michael. Keep it up.

[Laun]

Very good article, the straight community needs to read it too. This may help to prevent suicides like the ll year old who was taunted once to many times for being "so called feminine." he wasn't necessarily gay. There's nothing wrong with having a soft side that shows compassion. To many are afraid of the gentiler side of humankind. There's nothing wrong with a masculine side either. Everything in moderation. Alienating others because of minor personality traits is NOT COOL. Nobody is perfect on this planet.

[Rebecca]

Thank you for re-stating the obvious, but which needs to be articulated for many. I am fed up with Christian and atheist relatives and non-relatives praying for my "full-conversion" to a hetero lifestyle, which I could not tolerate. I need my freedom and privacy and refuse to be a biblical wife. I am anti-Christian Taliban! I am absolutely fed up with expectations placed on women, in general, and those creeps (male and female) who cannot cope with a strong, independent minded adult woman. Christian Taliban and atheist Taliban are no different than the Muslim Taliban in their horrible demands for a robot as a mother and wife. I am grossed out and nausiated by forced conversion tactics used by militant, hateful heterosexuals, whose tactics only create more hate and resentment.