Eight Common Dating Myths

Dating is never easy. You're excited about the fun opportunity ahead but, at the same time, nervous about messing it up. Unfortunately, there aren't set rules for a successful date -- even though your friends will imply there are.

Here are eight common myths about dating "rules" and why they are not true:

1. Because you are shy, guys need to ask you out or make the first move.

When you want something to eat, you go out and get it. Being shy doesn't hold you back from eating and it shouldn't hold you back from dating. Don't confuse being shy with being scared of rejection -- and you are not alone in this fear.

Dating is a risk. It could work out or it couldn't. The only way to know is to give it a chance. Don't be afraid to take action. If you don't speak up, you won't get a date. If you do speak up, you now have the chance of him or her saying yes.

2. If you pay for dinner, you should get sex.

Unless you are dating an escort, sex does not come with the meal. A date is an opportunity to get to know each other and see if there is chemistry. Paying for dinner doesn't even guarantee you a second date.

3. Taking phone calls and answering text messages is OK on a date.

It is 2009 and we are all well-connected to the world. We receive phone calls, text messages, pictures, email and can surf the web all on our phones. It does not mean we are allowed to do it on a date. It is just plain rude.

You can give up all the technology for a few hours to enjoy a date and have a real conversation in person. Be respectful and present in your date; you at least owe your date that.

4. You should wait three days before you call for a second date.

Do you wait three days to tell an employer you are going to accept the job? No, because the job may not be available if you wait. It's the same thing with dating.

If you want a second date, call and plan it out. You can even mention it at the end of the first date. Simply let him know you had a good time and that you're free this weekend to hang out again. It's a lot better than spending your weekend alone because you didn't ask.

5. The top pays for dinner.

Seriously? I have heard this many times from clients and friends. I'm telling you it's not true. Your sexual position has nothing to do with who pays. Dating manners say the person who planned the date is supposed to pay. I think it is always polite to offer to pay. It's just good manners.

6. We are gay, so we should go to a gay club or gay restaurant for our date.

We are not segregated within gay boundaries on our dates. We're not even locked into the typical dinner-and-movie date. Think unconventionally when setting up your date. Why not take a cooking class together? How about going to zoo or aquarium? Not only do unconventional dates create better experiences, but they help reduce the awkwardness a candlelight dinner can cause.

7. You shouldn't have sex on the first date.

You are both adults and can choose what to do on your date. There is no proof that waiting to have sex or jumping right into bed with body paints creates successful couples. It's up to the both of you and your comfort level.

I'll just warn you: Sex on a first date does not guarantee you a second date and, as I said before, it doesn't come with a free meal.

8. Because you are both guys, you shouldn't open the door for him.

Chivalry is not dead. Regardless if you are both guys or girls, you still want to be polite and have manners. Saying "please" and "thank you," opening doors and saying "bless you" when your date sneezes are just ways to show you're a gentleman and respectful. Plus you will make Mom very proud of your behavior.

There isn't a guaranteed solution to a successful date. A major part of dating is just plain chemistry. Stop trying to play by your friends' "rules" and make your own as you go along. You know what is best for you.

I would love to hear your dating "rule" myths. Add your personal myths and why they are not true to the Gay.com comments section. We can work together to make dating a lot easier for everyone.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[msuboi08]

Great story! lol

Personally, I let my date/bf usually pay. If a 1st date he's always entitled to a kiss at the very least. With bf/lover, he'll get sex (unless i'm tired).

[g]

stupid rules.

Split dinner talk and if something is offensive apologize. See where it goes.....

And just because someone offers sex and the other side disagrees you say hey that's alright and move on.

If you call three times and he don't respond move on to someone else....

[Eric]

If a guy bought me flowers, or rushed to open the door with me to be a gentlemen I'd laugh. I All the other things were good advice/tips. I agree with having manners but there are just certain things you do with females.

[twistedtongues]

I ALWAYS go dutch when I go on dates. And I disagree with msuboi - just because the date pays, does not mean he's entitled to a kiss - at least per my rules...

[Chris]

Amen Brotha!

[Edgar]

If I invite you I pay, if you invite me you pay, unless, we agree that we're going dutch. I've had dates that have invited me to really expensive places, ordered like they were grocery shopping for a month. Then they look at me and say "you're getting the tab right? UMmmmm no ain't happening

[Zak]

I went on a date not too long ago where the guy opened the door for me, and I thought it was very romantic. Heck, it was raining, and he even held the umbrella for me. It was a refreshing change to know there are people out there that understand manners.

As for who pays, I always figured whoever asked is the one who pays. If I ask a guy out, I expect to pay, and if he asks me, I expect the same from him. Too many guys out there think all dates mean going dutch.

And thank you for reminding us that using a phone on a date is rude. I don't know when that started being 'ok', but in my book, that's just plain obnoxious.

[quiet_qT_boy]

it's been so long since I've had a date, I feel like I'm reading a fiction novelette here. Anyway, I usually go the old fashioned route. . never kiss on the first date, sex waits for a while until you're "sure" that this is a guy who you will be with for a long time. The old fashioned charm kinda turns guys off, but sometimes it'll attract a guy who is up for a good challenge. Sad thing is, he always leaves once he gets what he wants. .

[Pipe Dream]

It's unfortunate that many gay men don't take these manners (and more) into consideration.

One of the biggest problems I've seen is a sheer lack of gratitude for things, whether it be a nice dinner, a small loan, or even just a shoulder to cry on. I have tried to date or befriend many an individual, only to find that they very often take my kindness for granted, and in some cases even feel entitled to it.

Few things are as big of a turnoff as a man who can't even humble himself enough to acknowledge a kind gesture and say a heartfelt, "Thank you."

[Me]

My Valentine's date brought me a heart-shaped box of chocolate and a dozen of red roses on Valentine's day this year!!! I was so embarrassed at the door. All of my neighbors saw him. I meant I didn't mind the chocolate at all. But the roses??!!! I wish he had brought some gay porn with it (vista video type! I'm not a pig!) or at least something with Ryan Phillippe in it so we could have something to watch while eating the chocolate and fondling each other after dinner. We ended up watching my BBC's Planet Earth BD which made the fondling very awkward. The roses went to my neighbor the next day. The empty box of chocolate went into the trash together with his phone number.

[Richard Marks]

What a non-sense... we are among men. Each one for himself. Sex? If agreeable but not a must. Who pays??? Go Dutch and get over the rules after all we are gays (called inordinate and social rule breakers). I pay if I want to pay but I always get mine for sure.

[oldkingtroll]

This "who pays?" stuff used to be annoying until I started surfacing the issue of costs right when we were setting up the date. Regardless who called or who took the initiative, I'd chose between dutch or my treat (never assuming he'd pay for both of us).

If I don't feel like paying for both of us (usually because I'm getting broke!), I will usually ask something like: "mind if we go to YYY (name funky but reasonable)? I've been hit with some unexpected bills this month and I need to make things last."

If I feel like paying, I'll say something like: "Let's try out XXX - my treat."

The ensuing conversation would set the ground rules of paying.

[zarxo]

Be nice to see an article that does not include sex. Is it that important?

Here is a value, conversation. In my trio anthropology, psychology, and socioogy class, (right, one class!), conversation preceded agriculture, which preceded human deveopment into other areas--fire, cave, talking, grouping, developing personalities, intiating--paradigms, to further the development of language.

Is conversation and the art of conversation a suppostion of a more highly developed human? How would the counter argument go? Is there an antithesis to this?

[Anon]

To "Me", who posted how embarrassed he was he got flowers and chocolate for Valentines day -goodness forbid!

I am so glad you threw away that guys phone number, because that guy deserves a hell of a lot better than some stupid, classless jerk like you. It's guys like you that give the whole gay community a bad rap of being only interested in sex and nothing more. No wonder so many straight people think it's a joke we should have gay marriage! Instead of appreciating the time, concern, money and thoughtfulness that this man gave into giving you such a beautifully traditional and romantic Valentines day gift, you acted like a total ignorant, classless asshole by only wanting porn and not appreciating the tokens of affection.

You are exactly the type of guy most of us educated and caring gay men try as hard as hell to avoid, and I only hope the poor guy who tried showing you how a classy date acts didn't let your bad behavior taint his view on all gay men, because we have enough gay men who are messed up due to people like you fucking them over. It's guys like you that make me pro-choice!

[Shieldage]

I'm a trust fund kid, basically, so I prefer to pay when I hang out with my friends, otherwise I feel some sense of guilt. I mean if I don't have to work for my money, why should I make my friends spend an hour and a half's worth of hard-earned income on something that's probably my idea in the first place? Of course, that could just of my inner personality conflicts showing up :/

I also open doors for basically anybody regardless of where I am. I don't do it 100% of the time. It's an occasional habit, because I like to be helpful. I love those little handicap buttons around my college campus - one push and everybody behind me for thirty seconds gets an open door and I don't have to actively wait around to let them in.

Both of those habits carry on to people I date. "No, no, I'm not doing this just because I find you hot, I do it for everyone I like regardless of their hotness quotient."

One of my favorite things to do is load up my car with friends and take them out for lunch at the local japanese-slash-chinese sushi buffet or Olive Garden for the endless soup and salad deal. Both have the benefit of being high quality food at a single price regardless of how much or how little you eat. Not the most romantic spot, true, but it's lunch :D

For a nice one on one thing with someone I want to get a good feel of, my general plan is: Park our cars next to the local high quality ice cream shop and order something to go, walk a few blocks to a medium quality sandwich shop, then a few blocks more to this park with trees and a nice series of stone steps leading down to a riverbank so we can sit and eat and watch the water go by. It's a peaceful and quiet location, out of sight of the main routes, so you can talk openly, but with enough random foot traffic that you feel safe about hanging with someone you may not know that well.

Oh. My advice on what to bring to someone's house? Marie Callendar's pie and cornbread. Something premade with a reputation for good quality, that's not going to be eaten in one sitting, so no pressure on you staying there to help finish it off, but also something small enough that it won't last more than two or three meals.

[Michael]

I was under the impression that if two gay people go out on a date, then the custom would be to split the bill (or, as many of you call it, go "dutch").

On another note, if one person wants to pay, why stop him? It's a kind gesture as well as a compliment, although unnecessary since he didn't have to do it. It's a great way to say, "You're worth every penny." =)

See, maybe you guys are old but this is what many of my friends and I do. I find it to be less complicated and more practical for both parties.

Think about it: at least you're out of the house! Might as well pay for your fair share of the "fun" and not place the financial burden on your date (simply because you feel he SHOULD pay). That's just immature and childish.

[Laun]

I disagree with (me) and agree with Michael on the above blogs. Sex is never a requirement to a date. It is however rude to tease and then walk away. Two consenting adults can heat things up watching whatever turns you on and work towards the correct moment. As with any relationship, a romantic relationship takes two people working together, just follow some basic adult manners and everything works out when planned accordingly.

[fulldeck]

It'd make me feel human and like a man to even go on a date. I've been stood up on the only 2 dates ever offered me in the 20+y in Milwaukee.

[scott]

Why wouldn't you want to have sex? It's the reason for dating, hopefully a nice dinner, some wine and then cap it off with sex. If it's a great date and sex, you may want to see each other again.

[msuboi08]

To clarify my earlier post....

I'm old-fashioned in terms of dating etiquette, and am into more masculine men (as I am perceived to be more feminine), so naturally they pay. Sometimes I pay but they usually feel uncomfortable letting me pay so I let them pay the next time. Anyway, I always express my gratitude and thank the guy and never take his kindness for granted. I pick my men pretty well, so the dates usually are fantastic, and I am very happy to reward them with a kiss at the end of the night. I let them make the first move though since they like to be "in charge" - though I'm really the one in charge since I give them the OK and confidence to go ahead and kiss me. A few times I've had sex on a 1st date, but I find a kiss to be much better in terms of getting the guy hot and bothered and ready to set up the next date. If all goes well, I reward him with sex after 2 or 3 dates.

[msuboi08]

Also, for some reason, as with my previous comment about letting my date pay because they actually want to and feel they have an obligation since I am the "feminine" one - I let them hold the door open for me and even pull out my seat for me at restaurants. Their chivalry is not lost on me and I try to return the favor, but they get confused and feel awkward since I'm like the "woman" holding the door for them and they're supposed to be the man and do it. So in the interest of preserving dating etiquette (and loving the protective feeling these guys have with me), I let them pay, hold doors for me, etc.

[Stew2148]

please don't answer tha door for me, its annoying. Im not a female

[Laun]

Shieldage, It may be nice to walk around loaded with a trust fund, but you can't really buy true friends or loyalty. A date shouldn't be bought before the table is set. Real people want real relationships. There is nothing wrong with being generous and paying for a meal or a group meal, just do it with a humble and sincere heart. Have a caring heart but don't let others drain your trust for the wrong reasons.

[alex]

if i ask the guy out , i pay. if they ask me out i offer to go dutch. and if i get to the door first i hold it open for him (and any people coming in behind him) . flowers and chocolate? i can do without :)

[splerk]

I never gave flowers to any of the girls I ever dated & only gave flowers once to a guy who worked at a bar beginning his night shift.
It felt natural & good at the time, but it turned out to be the worst thing I could ever do.
After all, I only really fell for the guy because everyone said he was just crazy about me & his actions spoke louder than words & I was a bit too crazy obviously for him to begin with.
They called me "The Flower Boy" & I was frowned upon as sort of a dork after that, even though he seemed very flattered.
But you know what, I take that back.
I felt good doing it because it came from my heart.
Why I ever gave a f%^k what those followers & drunkard bar fly trash thought anyway I will never know.
But for sure next time I will do it privately.

[corrective_unconscious]

>Fallacy No. 2: If you pay for dinner, you should get sex.

Okay, but if you got dutch you should get mutual jo.

(Particularly if a course of the dinner or some condiment winds up smeared on somebody's skin.)

[corrective_unconscious]

"If you go dutch...."

If you "got Dutch," then you're very lucky, cos I hear those Netherlands boys are hawt.

[Ray]

The one who asked the other out should "make the reach" for the check, but just being considerate the other should at least offer to do the "go Dutch" thing. The one who asks should then insist - that way everyone saves face. In "our" relationships, I don't think either should be the princess China doll. It's like that when you stop by someone's home, or run into someone while out and about - one should always offer refreshment, or ask the "loner" to join the group. The first offer/invitation should always be politely declined, but if the offer/invitation is extended again (typically with greater gusto), it's okay to accept. Again, that way everyone appears cordial. I know the ways of a kinder, gentler society are near death, but subtlety and an ability to read between the lines go a long ways to maintaining a least the facade of civility. Soap opera bitchiness isn't always called for.

[Ray]

If I'm out on a date with a guy and he takes a cell phone call, or sits there texting in the middle of conversation, dinner isn't going to last to dessert. Go to a gay bar on a date? "You go ahead, I'm going home - and please lose my numbers." I guess a cell phone or pager (remember those?) would be okay if the guy is a doctor on all or something, but chances are that if your date "conveniently" gets a cell phone call within 10 minutes of your arrival, that's your date's wing man calling your date with a "bail out" call if your date deems you a troll. Typical sophomoric behavior and a major red light as far as a second date goes. (But go for the sex is he's hot!) :)

[youpayyourtabiwillpaymine]

This is easy... seperate checks so neither person has to feel obligated. Turn you stupid cell phones off they are annoying as hell.

[paul]

whenever i date i always say that ill pay for my dinner myself! i dont feel comfortable if someone has to pay for me!

[twistedtongues]

@ quiet_qT_boy: I feel ya there. I went on a date not too long ago, on which I presented a challenge to the guy about kissing and sex on the first date. He was so sure he would be able to score... he didn't and I've never heard from him since...

[TheTruth]

Ok GUYS, stop acting like you don't know the simplest rule in the planet about paying! Glad this was mentioned because they many USERS (free loaders and rude people) out there that just don't get it! Who ever invites PAYS and that's that, PERIOD!

Many people out there LOVE to invite, go to these very expensive places (just to show off), they order like they've never eaten before and expect the person THEY invited to PAY, NOT! Doesn't work that way, if you are inviting to where ever then you pay, that simple or if I invite to where ever I pay...now is that that difficult? I don't think you need to go through college to understand or to learn this...well, I think some people might need to!

One last thing...some people need to learn how to TIP! They are some really greedy bastards out there who expect to be treated like a KING and they leave without tipping a penney! That really says a lot about a person...if you want to be treated like a KING then pay like one! Tipping is a MINIMUM of 10% to 15% ok? Comprende?

[dirkydoodle]

I assume dating in a different light. Being raised in the south and mostly my grandmother is to blame (old Fashioned), I see dating as a time to impress and give that person an idea of your morals and up bringing. Be it from opening a car door (Yes I said car door) to picking up a tab. A true southern gentleman never goes dutch. I believe in whom asks for the date pays but that is not always the case. Its whom feels comfortable with paying in that situation... So many men are caught up on there personal rules that they are jaded through out the whole date. "Is he gonna get any or not" "Should I get the tab or not" "Should I say thank you or not" all this stuff is going through your head and your not giving that person your full attention. Dating is a job interview. This person your with could be the biggest investment in yourself and your future. Get to know one another and let the other stuff land where it falls. As well as if your answering/texting you've got the check and a night alone... Because I just left the table. Thats my two cents.

[tyler]

For starters:::::::::
ME, yes you asshole. Embarrassed by roses? Rather have porn? You threw his number away? You ASSHOLE do NOT deserve any decent man! You, ASSHOLE, are a rude, inconsiderate moron and belong in line with the cock roaches!
*****To the writer of this article, you mentioned the words RUDE, MANNERS, implying good qualities. Those qualities are so missing with gays today...esp the youngens.
I'm from the old school, good old fashion values...being a gentleman! There are so many gay assholes out there anymore that I've been single for 9 yrs because of it.
Nothing wrong with being a gentleman and having high standards. The only thing wrong with having high standards w/ fags is that you end up alone more often then not.

[Ace]

Whoever invites, pays. That being said, the chats are full of guys who complain of never being invited to go anywhere, etc. 1. They want to go out but not pay. 2. They are not dating material. 3. They always pay, and would like to turn that around sometime. Decide which it is.
As for dating sexual obligations..there are no obligations, nor should there be any based on who paid for the date. Men who have paid, and expect an obligatory kiss, or blow job, or fuck, need a big Hello instead! When sex is in the chemistry both ways, then go ahead and fuck till the cows come home.

[Jeff]

I always pay for every thing.
And we always take my car.
I have never let a guy pay for dinner, movie, drinks, cab or hotel when on vacation.
And this also gos for when in a raltionship also.
Call me old fashioned but I like to be the man if you will.
If a guy does can not accept this from me hes not the right one.

[msuboi08]

Jeff is awesome! A true gentleman. Exactly the kind of man I go for.

[CARLOS]

THE TOP MUST PAY... everytime i go out on a date i expect that my date can have the great manner and opportunity to show much he is interested in these kind of "little" but important details, if you are a copule its different, but if you are dating someone the top needs to show that he is the person that will try as hard as he can to conquer your heart, not only with meals lol

[Arthur Graves]

If you where the one to ask Him/Her out you pay. If they ask you out they should pay. And just becouse someone as asked you out to dinner dose not mean you got to repay them with sex. So stop beening a plice of gutter trash. Get to know the men/woman first before you jump head first into something you may think about later.

[Lorenzo]

I think these rules are great. I follow them but sometimes I get confuesed with what the guys really want. They ask me to call them for drinks I then do but all of the sudden they lost interest in me. So i don't know. What do you all think?

[Scott]

I'm going to come to Valentine Me's defense a little bit (even though his response was socially ackward at best). If his date with Valentine Boy was their very first date and he showed up with the two pound box of chocolates and two dozen red roses, then it would be very difficult not to think this guy has our relationship planned out for the next 10 years down to how many children we'll adopt and what their names will be. On the other hand, if he showed up with the four piece mini box and six yellow roses, then I think I could believe this guy just had a spontaneous romantic impulse at the grocery store. For the most part, grand gestures only work in the movies. In real life, our gestures should match the occasion.
Now if this Valentine's date was their third one onwards, then a big box of chocolates and roses could convey the message that I'm getting to know you and I'm really digging you. That a guy would be embarrassed by having a date on their doorstep bearing chocolates and flowers means you are still not comfortable being gay and need to work on that some more.

[The Truth]

ACE you can take me out anytime.....you are sooooo generous....but it would be nice if I can take the tab on your birthday or a special occasion.

[water]

Good topic... despite seething anger in some posts, lots of great stuff noted. Agreed, extending an invitation implies hosting duties, unless otherwise clarified.
Unexplained calls/text implies IPD (Inconsiderate Personality Disorder) e.g.: "...if my mom calls from the hospital, I'll have to take it"

Splerk's story was great, and I agree with all his lessons (including that early grand gestures are best done privately). Life is a learning process. We can all benefit from Miss Manner's advice, but the whole point of initial dating is to explore the unknown, so there will be some learning and bumps along the way. Try not to get too disheartened by the rude turns, and enjoy your ride. ;-)

[Gio]

Una de mis "reglas" es ir vestido apropiadamente. Dependiendo del lugar donde vaya a tener la cita. Creo que es de mala educación pretender ir a una cita mal vestido. Envía el mensaje a la otra persona de que no tienes interés realmente o de que no es algo importante.

[corrective_unconscious]

>THE TOP MUST PAY...

Sounds like a comic porn film involving the ol' switcheroo.

However, if the top must provide the dinner, then the bottom should have to do the fucking dishes....

[Dave]

I don't know about most people but for me, in terms of the paying situation, it never seemed that awkward...I just assumed at the end of the meal I would pay for myself. If it was a first date and the other person insisted on paying for me then of course I let him. If it was not a first date I normally try to switch off and pay every other time. ALl this nonsense about who pays just incrases stress!

[Troublemaker_189]

i dont think that checking your phone on a date is wrong at all, i mean really it could be business, it could be an emergency, or maybe you texted someone to call you to say its an emergency so you can get outa there there are plenty of reasons to take calls and text

[Adam]

To "Troublemaker_189", the fact that you don't see it as being rude says a lot. When you're on a date your focus shouldn't be on business or other matters, it should be about getting to know the guy you're with.

I don't have a problem with guys checking to see who's calling but to actually take the call and then just chat about stuff pisses me off royally. The worst was when a date and I were at a really nice restaurant, things were going great, he got a call and proceeded to chat with a friend of his about some of their other friends. After 5 minutes of this, I excused myself (he thought I was going to the restroom) and I left the restaurant.

I know that was rude too but it was the better alternative to me staying and getting really pissed off at him.

Hopefully he learned something.

[Dave]

I prefer to say that I am all for the person who's idea it was to go out to pay. But I don't mind "dutch". I had a bf who paid for everything, I hated it but then I loved him for it. I just felt like there was no room for me to do anything nice (as a surprise I mean). His parents were very wealthy and so was he, so he used that as an excuse. Don't get me wrong I appreciated it alot, told him thank you and all kinds of stuff. We are no longer together, and he is not longer on this earth. That is just how I feel. And I think Chivalry is one of the most attractive things a man can do.