On a POZitive Note: Sexual Tilt

We were all four in the hot tub with hard-ons. My two friends from Nashville – a gay couple of five years – and I, were experiencing Pete’s legendary Jacuzzi hospitality that always kept the gay community in our small upstate New York village talking. Pete was doing his part to accommodate my guests “needs,” and I was doing my part in facilitating their friendly fraternization turning from casual into sexual. 

It started alright - the compliments, the groping, the kissing - then somewhere in my head a breaker switch tripped and I shut down - not only physically with the loss of my erection, but mentally as well. I felt panicky. 

My nervousness began earlier that evening at our local gay bar shortly after Pete's invitation for us all to join him for a nightcap in the hot tub at his place. My Nashville friends were into it - knowing four naked and horny gay men meant sex - but I was having trouble wondering how far I was willing to go with my neighbor before I disclosed my HIV positive status. If I didn’t tell him, he would find out eventually from someone in our small community and perhaps harbor resentment that I wasn’t upfront with him before we got physical. 

So in the hot tub I pretended to be into the group fun but I kept distancing myself, easing my way to the outside of our clusterfuck and letting my three friends play mostly by themselves - joining in with a polite hand job here and there to let them know I wasn’t feeling left out. But it was a lie. I was feeling left out. Not because of my friends, but because of my HIV.

Eventually there was a break in the action and small talk resumed. It was the kind of flirtatious chatter that leads back into sex so I casually said, “I’m getting a little too hot, I think I need to get out for a while.” 

“Oh really?” Pete said in mock concern. He obviously didn’t care if I was in the picture, he was more into the new comers. Rather than face the idea he was rejecting me, I told myself I really didn’t care. We were neighbors anyway, I would get to see Pete for the rest of my life. I told myself there was no need for us to have sex because it might make our friendship awkward. I didn’t want to think it was because he wasn’t into me, or worse, he might have already found out I was HIV positive and that’s why he wouldn’t touch my dick or kiss me.

I tried to content myself in knowing I had helped facilitate their three-way, that I was being a generous host by getting my Nashville friends laid by a local. Once that was underway, I could exit gracefully and leave them all to it. 

This is what I told myself all the way into the bathroom where I locked the door and sat on the floor to cry. 

I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself so much as confused. Whatever I was going through it was big. In the past few weeks since my diagnosis I had been trying to come to grips with these tidal waves of emotion hitting me unexpectedly. I figured I would just have to endure them as part of adjusting to my new HIV POZ life.

For the most part I had gotten my head around being positive, but this was the first time I had tried to be sexual since my Western blot results came back, and my brain was like a pinball machine flashing TILT! TILT! TILT!

Not only was I freaked out about having sex with three of my friends who were negative – their hesitant kisses had said so much, or was it my imagination? Here was a situation that used to turn me on, an orgy in a hot tub with three cute guys - what’s not to like? For some reason it wasn’t working for me and I felt broken.

A few short weeks ago I was the confident, flirtatious, sexually uninhibited guy that 35 years of maturity had produced. Now I was shivering in a damp towel on Pete’s bathroom floor wondering how I was going to put myself back together again. Rather than be a sexually pathetic mess for the rest of my life, I am going to have to figure out how to reset my pinball machine to stop my brain from flashing TILT.

Re-programming ones sexual identity is no easy task. If there are any helpful suggestions out there for finding my new sexy self I’d love to hear them, because right now I feel like that cold damp towel left in a heap on Pete’s bathroom floor.

Comments

[greggy]

As I see it, you had plenty of opportunity to tell your 'friends' about your new HIV status before you hit the hot tub. Would that have changed the outcome of the party? Possibly, but I don't know your 'friends' at all (and it doesn't seem like you do either). What kind of 'friend' almost has sex with another person and doesn't tell them beforehand? A new sexual identity is the least of your problems if you are going to continue to pull crap like that.

I know you're struggling with this situation, but you know what the right thing is to do here. Letting others slowly know about your new status won't be easy. And, yes, you will lose most of your 'friends' in the process. (my former partner did) The ordeal of making new friends won't be easy, either (lots of scared and shallow guys out there). The choice is yours: be an asshole/felon and continue to infect others. Or get a backbone and move ahead in the new life you've chosen for yourself.

[sterling]

Wow, Greggy. Judgemental much??
Disclosure is a very personal thing...the decision of who to tell, is entirely yours. It needs to happen before sex, but you are neither a felon, nor an asshole. You didn't go there, so disregard that crap.
I had a really easy time of it, mostly because there are so many other poz guys in my area. I never lost any of my friends, nor have i had any trouble making new ones.
Being Poz maybe isn't great, but it certainly isn't all doom and gloom.
Give yourself time to accept it, and when it becomes part of you, then the rest of the stuff will all fall into place.
People like Greggy who will get all morally judgemental because you almost did something...they exist,so you need to learn to deal with them. My advice is ignore, and do what you feels right at the moment. If that means having a good cry in the bathroom, so be it. At some point, it will get easier! and if you do lose all your "friends"...one needs to wonder how good of friends they were to start with.

[Justin]

Having to disclose your status can not be an easy thing to do for sure, but if you are going to place yourself in a situation where there will be sexual contact between you and someone else then I would say that you should be honest with them especially if you think that they are going to find out later from someone other then yourself. You can't let fear fun your life, and if these people were true friends and wanted to get down and dirty with you then they would be educated on what the things are that they need to do and then have a wild time with you.

[Ray]

It is obvious you are going through some strong, emotional, life changes in your life. These changes will take time to get used to. And once you do, the life you will be living will be different from where you are.

What you said about how the hot tub scene was something you wanted to do and never bothered you before and you didn't understand why you couldn't, I think I can shed some light on it. After receiving you diagnosis, how did you expect to jump right back into your life? You need to take time to adapt to it and accept it yourself before you can put yourself out there like that.

And maybe, with your diagnosis, you are starting to come to terms with what is important to you. And maybe a wild night like that isn't what you are looking for anymore.

I don't know you, and I have never been in your shoes. So my words of advice might not amount to anything more than words. But take the 35 years a maturity you have a take a break. Gain some perspective. Deal with your emotions. Once you have gone through that, than you might feel like yourself again. And because of those 35 years of maturity, I am sure you will be alright. Take care.

[acerhound]

Todd, consider that maybe it's a question of timing. You only just discovered your status weeks ago. Finding out you're HIV positive is an emotional shock, akin to a death or other major loss. Now imagine you'd just lost a partner of many years a few weeks ago. Would you be so surprised if you weren't ready to have sex yet in that case? I don't think so. You need some time to adjust to all this, sort out your FEELINGS before you address how you're going to handle disclosure, safer sex, and all the other very valid issues the other comments here rightly mention.

But everything in its time. Right now, you have to mourn, then regain your balance. It'll all look different in a few months. Think of this time as a time to take care of yourself and love yourself again. And that may mean time to withdraw from sex for a bit. A year from now, many of these questions will most likely have settled and sorted themselves out. It'll get better. Trust me.

[Frank]

i am moved by Zax's story and disgusted by Greggy's response. as a middle aged hiv neg gay male i couldn't let it go without a response.

If an hiv neg gay guy puts himself in a position of being exposed to hiv assuming that his sexual partner is hiv neg unless otherwise disclosed, he shares in at least half of the blame. it may not be felonous, but it is definitely criminally stupid.

and unless there was bare fucking going on in that hot tub (an activity that zak could easily have avoided while participating in everything else), it is unnecessary for any disclosure of any kind to be going on.

i'm 54, have had sex with hiv pos guys, have dated hiv pos guys, and have had one lover who was pos. i'm still neg. i don't want disclosure from a guy unless i ask. i'll probably assume he's pos until proven otherwise.

that being said, i don't envy zak, because paranoid and uneducated assholes like greggy are out there.

[oldkingtroll]

I wonder if you know Pete well enough to know what actually was thinking. I think that at some point, the two of you need to have a conversation -- maybe or maybe not. However, all of your postings read like the tales of someone coming out all over again. And coming out (as gay or as Poz) isn't easy since it entails learning to accept oneself completely. Repeatedly, in all your postings, I have the sense that you've not yet accepted the new you. THAT, frankly, is what this seems to be all about. Good luck to you.

[Jon]

Hmmm... As appalling as Greggy's response was, he did have one thing correct... If you know you status is positive, it is illegal to withhold that information from someone that you wish to engage in any form of sexual expression.

That being said, I have not contracted HIV, but have been on multiple dates with guys who have it. I am not personally going to turn a guy down because of something so petty. To me, it's much worse to lie about it than it is to just own up to the fact that things happen.

As far as revamping yourself sexually... Don't let it stop you from living your life. It's a major change that you'll have to get used to, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change who you are at the core.

[Frank]

Jon, that is simply not true. To the extent it may be true in your state, it is not in all states across the country. To the extent it is illegal to the degree you say anywhere, it is clearly not enforced, is unenforceable, and is routinely and habitually violated.

[Nick]

I would be very forward with it and just say it. Otherwise it would continue to bug me, and it's not like you can make it go away. You just need to pick the right time to say it, I guess.

[throatpussy]

I have to agree, being poz does not change the person, rather a person's sexual habits. Being poz does not mean your sex life ends. I been poz for 25 years, still have tons of friends, poz sex partners and don't hide behind a tree.

There is no way to know how many people have been infected with hiv through sexual contact, it happened and those of us who never used condoms, well, it's a decision we all made.

[Jon]

In response to Frank, you do not have to disclose your status to an employer. If you are sexually intimate with someone, however, and do not disclose your status prior to engaging in the sexual activity, you can actually be imprisoned for assault, and if the person contracts the disease, then they can go after an attempted murder charge.

It's a very fine line, and very difficult to enforce. The responsibility to both parties in being informed before hand falls upon... both parties. If party A has the disease and doesn't say anything, but party B doesn't ask, then who's to blame? Both.

[WHAT]

Throat ... I am having a hard time understanding your comment. "There is no way to know how many people have been infected with hiv through sexual contact, it happened and those of us who never used condoms, well, it's a decision we all made."

Sadly the vast majority of people DO get HIV through SEXUAL CONTACT, because the other methods of transmission (ie. blood donation, organ donation, fetal) are tested for and in most cases prevented.

And I hope you are not insinuating that because someone else chose to have sex sans condoms with you and they may have contracted HIV that your responsibility is void because they made the decision as well. You are right it takes two of you to have sex without a condom. But it only takes one of you to ensure that sex doesn't go on without condoms.

[David]

This article is certainly thought provoking and ideally, it is by discussion and dialogue that we learn the most about ourselves and others we care about. When I was diagnosed (6 years ago now?) I too had been a frequent participant in lots of casual sex, although, always with protection. Diagnosis? BOOM.. I was still totally a horndog from hell, but the THOUGHT of actually hooking up or going through with something because of fears of disclosure etc. lasted almost 2 years. During that time I actually dated 2 guys for 4 and 7 months respectively, but managed to avoid getting more intimate than kissing and light making out. In each case, I got dumped for being "a prude" or something. It DOES take time.. quite a lot sometimes before you can love yourself again and accept hiv as part of your life. I live in a fairly small and undereducated border town where HIV status is more of an anathema than crack use or satanism (perhaps a SMALL exaggeration there..).. I've been very lucky to eventually find and meet a small group of friends from online (mostly negative) who I've disclosed to upfront who miraculously didn't turn tail and run. Creating a "poz" screen name really simplified matters in some ways. Guys know up front, and if you are uncomfortable, they can choose not to talk to you at all. It was really very sad when I discovered that a number of guys I thought were good friends and very educated turned out to be complete assholes about it though. I wish you well in this transition, and hope that you will seek counseling if depression or anxiety continue. Being diagnosed as hiv+ can be very traumatic, in some cases even causing PTSD. Take care, and move at your own pace. (Also, be aware of the disclosure laws in your state.. better to be sure than make a mistake in any case)

[josh (bluemew)]

you done the right thing getting out of that situation. as for the postings bout it being illegal not to inform you future partner/partners, it shouldn't be about legality as much as morals if i was pos i could not bare the thought that i passed that on to another person. you said you didn't want to think that he already found out which is why he wouldn't touch you or kiss you. you cant get aids that way. everyone should treat their partners and themselves as if they are positive and use protection if that was done the spread of aids would slow dramaticly as said in an earlyer post accept your new self. dont let being pos define you let your future partner/partners. know those that turn and run you dont need anyway.

[Kevin]

Todd, while you may have felt awful inside, you did the right thing my removing yourself from the situation before things went too far.
I didn't have to really confront my status until my partner died and I had to start going to bars alone. I remember very clearly starting to dance with this hot daddy and thinking things might "happen." I told him while we were dancing and he just drifted away. I was crushed. But I learned to wait until the proper time (and with the right guy) to disclose. You'll learn, it is just a matter of getting your "sea legs."

[Rick]

Perhaps if you were seeking sex in the context of a relationship your status would be less of an issue. I assume however from the tone of this piece and the way everyone carried on that you must be very young. It certainly doesn't sound like a mature evening.

[sirald66]

I think there is value in featuring an HIV+ blogger that is not yet 'out' about it (Todd Zax is a pen name).

But I am concerned they are the only HIV+ blogging voice GDC seems to have. Makes it seem like a dark dirty secret.

[Aaron aka Sonny]

I think we have all been there at one time or another, unhappy people spread these lies, this way there not alone in there miserable lives, and if there not happy no-one else should be, Un-grateful as they are there your friends as long as you can stand them, Mine are all dead and the ones who are not must think I am because I moved on and left that scene or there scene. Life alone in my own is better then living my life like that.

[bob]

poor thing. can't go back to the lifestyle that gave you hiv in the first place. poor you. grow up.

[Tyler]

You have to tell people you are HIV positive before getting involved with them. There is no sexy way to do that. And as much as we'd like to believe it, we do not very often "find ourselves suddenly" in a sexual situation. We put ourselves there.

Face it, you can't be "your old sexy self" anymore, unless you want to hide your HIV status. Yeah it sucks and it will involve crying but it is better than being a liar or putting others at risk.

[JohnFuckingMez]

Um, I thought the article was about sexual things that used to turn you on and now cause panic attacks. Not HIV problems. Who wouldn't have some anxiety being HIV pos and not wanting to tell the people around him? Nice misleading article.

[Just a Guy]

I was in a situation very similar to this when I first found out I have HIV. My situation involved two guys one being a friend and the other being a guy that my friend was attracted to. We were all drunk after spending the evening at a local tavern. The guy my friend was attracted to offered to let us go back to his place to have a drink and a dip in the hot tub. There was a lot of groping and somehow I ended up in the middle of them about to be taken at both ends (so to speak). At this point I simply said I cannot do this. Then I left the tub.

Telling is not always easy. The best thing to do is just walk away sometimes. There is nothing wrong with that. The further along you are in the knowledge of having HIV it will become easier to tell. Eventually you will tell before you have any idea of attraction because of no longer wanting to feel the rejection. In doing this you can keep yourself from liking the person before there is a possibility of being let down.

[gugu]

oi gatos tudo bem

[Don]

For all of you who were extremely judgemental in your responses...may you experience the degree of understanding and concern you have shown. Karma is a bitch.

For what it's worth, Mr. Zax needs to come to grips with his condition. It has more to do with psychology more than sexuality. Obviously he was in a situation that was uncomfortable and he bowed out. Good move. For a while it would be wiser and more mature for you to just step back from sex and heal your psyche first.

Once you've accepted your status and have created a positive environment for yourself, then and only then, should you consider sexual intimacy. Maybe casual sex isn't the answer for you, but only you can determine that. What you need is a strong backbone and plenty of self confidence. Confidence that even if you are rejected, it's not going to be the end of the world.

Bottom line, get your shoulder head on first before you act with the little head. Peace be with you.

[corrective_unconscious]

The blogged article and most of the posts fail to specify, "anal or vaginal intercourse without a condom," and therefore it's all nonsense. As though jerking off, if that's what they were doing, in a hot tub will transmit HIV....

[Hermie]

I have always been as informed as I could be in regards to safer sex. The one time I was not responsible is the time I knew I was infected. Because I made a poor choice, I very quickly accepted the fact that I was now HIV+ for my own mental well being. Within a few days I had shared the news with friends. That part was easy, I knew that they would support me. I was not surprised by the ones that rejected our friendship. My biggest problem the first six months was that I felt like I was "broken", or that guys would look at me as if I was "tainted". I have always loved the person that I am, and all the goods and bads that make me who I am. I realized that HIV is now a part of who I am. I love who I am and I am proud of who I am.. so from that minute forward I claimed my HIV status like it was something to be proud of. Once I accepted that I was still the good friend and person I always have been, I started to disclose to people which much more confidence. When they noticed that I was moping around ashamed of my "disease", I found that they were more comfortable around me, and it has allowed me to continue to live everyday feeling good about my life and my status. If someone can't accept you for the whole you, then that's OK. We all have a life to choose. Let them choose what's best for them, and you keep on being the best that you are.

[Hermie]

correction on my typo above... When people noticed that I wasn't moping around ashamed....

[Juan]

It scares me to think that a person would still be interested in that kind of behavior after being diagnosed with HIV. Isn't being "sexually uninhibited" just another way to say "high risk for HIV." i have all compassion for someone who is struggling with HIV. After all a human being will always be just that, a human being with friends, family and the divine life that we all hold so dear. What bothers me the most though is that this case of HIV has not changed you for the better. A monogamous relationship with someone that you trust is far less risky than these fleeting encounters like the one that sent you running to be alone. Please take care of yourself and others. Now that you are positive you can take this opportunity to inform others about the emotional struggles and you can change you pattern of thinking so that you can influence others not to think the same way. It's this idea that is so prevalent in the gay community that kills. Men are dying daily because of a "good fuck." Sorry, but my freedom to live in peace is far more important than my orgasms. Take this is a sign from your soul friend that things have got to change.

I wish you a long healthy life full of joy. Please promote the same for others.

Juan

[William]

It was your sexually uninhibited self that got you HIV in the first place. Heres an idea. Stop. Being gay is about more than sex drugs and alcohol. Orgies in hot tubs don't make you feel loved or validate your life. Which is something you and all gay men will have to come to grips with. Tell your friends. You owe it to them and anyone else that has come in contact with you. Find another poz man that is interested in a long term relationship and stick with him. Build bonds, form a community, a family. Adjust to it. Stop shoving your dick in anything that has legs and a deep voice.

[Randy]

I dated and was directly exposed to a HIV posative person for three years and he never told me. I found out be accadent when he was in the hospital for a broken bone. I never judged him----got tested right away, test came back neg. However, he put an end to the relationship. I think he had already counted me as gone when i found out, and when i was not, it goofed his plan of being single up. I was all accepting of a Posative test for me because i would remain with the person i knew i would grow old with. What a shock to be heartbroken over "accepting without judgement" this stuff. How fortunate i feel i did not end up pos. and single over such a shallow thinking person. I have screwed up sex stuff and trust stuff created from this. Is there no Moral Ethics stuff taught to HIV pos. guys? I sure know to ask and if the answer is yes i will never trust a posative person ,never accept the dishonest secrecy of it all. Love is truly blind, however, the truth pulled those blinder off---about three years too late for me.

[zarxo]

When men rely on activities to find bedding partners then who needs conversation?

Intimacy and closeness presuppose in-depth conversation and a willingness to "know."

Everyone knows what the hot tub is for, so why play the "waiting" game to use the hot tub as a shield. Maybe this gives on the "chance" to back out--if he looks not as good nude as he does in clothes, or if he dick is not long enough or wide enough--or if his ass is not to "your" taste.

The rules of expediency now dominate our thinking as precurse for life.

We exploit activities, people and even ourselves for "a shot in the dark."

Then one day, we will glance at the mirror as we walk past it the thousand times we've done before--to finnnally realize one day, "this is me." The youthful pawn now has become a dragged old queen.

It is not a sign of weakness or inability--this is a sign of "what is to come" with our generation, our future, and our country.

Learn to enjoy someone for "who they are." Not what they are not, or what you realize that you cannot expend from them to your gain."

One can learn allot from another if he would just shut up, sit back, and just listen--not only with the ears, "but with the eyes" (Mann, "Death In Venice").

[acerhound]

I'm posting again just to comment on the comments. This was one of the better discussions on gay.com (that's setting the bar low, I know). All the comments, judgmental or no, have been interesting and reflective of the stigma that still surrounds HIV and how it affects our sex lives, which is a good way to understand transmission. Someone said we don't know for sure how many cases are transmitted by sexual contact and this is true. The only data on the subject has been rather loosely gathered self-reporting. We're a squeamish society that doesn't want to learn about sex. And because of that and our "abstinence only" education programs, infection rates are jumping up again. More talk brings more understanding. At least this is a start.

[brontomancer]

This is callous, but with all the years of education in our communnity on how to prevent infection, I find it difficult to feel sympathy for any educated and sane gay man who ends up positive unless it was due to unfortunate circumstances such as occupational hazard, accident, or even rape. However, in situations like this, all I can really say is "sure hate it for you."

[sterling]

People who live in glass houses, should not throw stones. It is a very fine line between "we" and "They" here. Most of the posts are filled with good wishes and compassion, but there are a number that could learn a few things from the compassionate ones. If all of you morally high people ever have the misfortune of having your test come back positive, I sincerely hope that you don't have to deal with many people like you.
Even with the best intentions and best education, things happen.
Todd, Its very very new for you. You dont need to rewire yourself completely...just a little tweaking will do and that will happen with time. Your sex life will be exactly where you want it to be soon. (sans judgments!)

[brontomancer]

Miss Sterlingthing,

I do not live nor have lived in a glass house. I have had my touch and go moments with HIV test results just as most of have had. I'm just being realistic in terms of this story.

Apparently, the writer is educated and knows what activities lead to HIV infection. Apparently, something happened in his life that led to infection. I am sorry for that whatever the reason, I really am. I hope that he and many others who are infected can lead normal lives.

I understand that this article is trying to help others lead normal lives while positive.

I am simply bemused by the pith of this article which is the promiscuity in a hot tub and an HIV infected person feeling freaked out about it when he is so obviously educated and aware of what causes infection in the first place. Is this some fictional piece written to address the problems of HIV positive people who are trying to live normal lives?

I don't think it is, and I just don't have any sympathy for OOPS, I fucked up...now, what do I do in order not to make people freak out about my HIV status.

Some sort of activity similar to this hot tub scene led to the infection of the writer unless I am totally mistaken. I just feel like it's the chickens coming home to roost in a way...pun intended.

This is still very callous, but he should have thought about such things as being marginalized by negative people when he was engaging in whatever activity that infected him in the first place, and I am going out on a limb and feel justified in assuming that if he is educated and aware enough to write such an article that he should have had the same amount of self control when he got infected.

Barring any accidental, occupational or unwilling infection, I still say sure hate it for you. Go see a shrink, take your meds, and best of luck to you.

[Dave]

Since when is it shallow to want to be safe? that is what it all comes down to, do I think HIV positive men should be social rejects in the gay community; No I don't, but it all comes down to the person's ignorance that is positive, Your the one that had unprotected sex, your the one that didn't have the morals and standards to stand up for yourself and say hey lets use a condom. And yes it is sad, and my heart goes out to you guys with HIV. But do I feel bad for you; No I do not. Simply for the fact that HIV/AIDS isn't like cancer, your body doesn't just create aids like it does cancer, it all comes back to you and your ignorance.
So to all of you who are out there being safe and using condoms KUDOS to you for using the brains that you have and thinking with the right head!

[Arthur Graves]

Not every body into these hair less freaks. Get a real look at gay men. Gay rat's are every where. I'll take a real man any day over this freak of nature. Not every one is so selfcenter as to want this. So Gay dot Com just becouse you have the money and can afford to have this type of guy dosn't mean every one wants him.

[DC]

I personally would not have engaged in a 3 some with random strangers or friends in a hot tub regardless of my HIV status. Maybe I'm old fashioned or maybe I actually have morals. If you want to jump off a cliff do it, but don't cry to others when you get hurt.

[tigertwin]

wow,alot of judgement with little experience. Greggy's comment insulted me much. My serostatus is negative but that doesn't stop me from being a friend or a lover to someone who is Positive. Have we really forgotten those who died in the 80's of this disease? Tact and compassion are what these boys need. Don't demonize one of our brothers who for how ever they caught it, still need our love and compassion. I really hope that we remember those days and strive to keep them from happening again. I applaud the guy in the article for his self constraint. How many of us would tell on ourselves if we had HIV. One of my dearest friends told me he contracted HIV from being raped. Where was his choice? Telling someone you have HIV is akin to coming out all over again. Greggy has issues of his own, and i hope he works through them.

[hotgaynerd]

you will live from hiv. that is a fact. its far from a death sentence in the literal sense. but it IS akin to an almost shamanic death. and the stigma attached to this is awful.

What do I mean?

Old ways aren't going to suit you here guy. I'd be nervous too. I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to do it per se. But I will say it needs to involve a shift from you. Think of this as getting a different set of skin and you need to shed your old skin. The problem here is only you know the skin on the inside is different. No one else will know unless you choose to tell them.

You are going to need to soul search. And sadly the gay community is too broken, materialistic, and bankrupt to provide comfort. It would be like asking a bunch of pedantic borderline sylphs what to do.

Look inside, try to find those diamond in the rough friends that can understand and slowly you can build the confidence you need to be a fully realized sex machine again.

Good luck.

[g]

i have had panic attacks for 20 years over men. Even close freinds and family had no clue it was a problem.

I learned how to understand why it triggers and why.

[eb]

OK, really! This is going to sound old fashioned but the best thing to do, if you're asking for others' advice, is to just be honest! You can't have sex without breaking down into a soggy puddle of sobs anyway, right? There's always going to be something in the back of your head stopping you from connecting untill you're fully honest with the people you want to connect with. So take it whatever pace is comfortable to you, and tell the truth to the people that it matters know the truth. Word gets around, yeah. But at least if people know you're POZ you have a lot bigger chance at meeting other guys that will still sleep with you and want to form an intimate bond with you. It will still happen. Maybe it won't be like a 24 sex orgy anymore but everyone grows out of that at some point, right? OH, and one more thing. Sometimes asking for a little empathy works *wonders.* Basically, just check for understanding and if you're not getting it ask for a little reflection. It always makes me feel better.

[sterling]

Hey Bronto:
I wasn't actually referring to you. While you admit that your comment was callous, you do admit to having a heart and "hating it" for us.

[mohannad]

if he love or care about you he will understand when you tell him just do it at the rigth time . do that with my boy about some isues and it works
just wait untill he become ready to hear it from you

[thisguy]

Urgh I know the feeling! I'm soo in that boat right now. I made the mistake of discloseing to roommates and now they're kicking me out. I've been having panic attacks, random moments of feeling helpless, and I just cant trust anyone. It makes me not want to tell anyone ever again ever! all anyone can say is " well I would have never said anything" which btw is useless and hurtful. I'm not in the best to give advice so all I can say is stay strong, it'll get better and wont fully smooth out, but the road will get smooth enough to drive on.

[玢玢]

唉，读起来可真费劲，不过我闲下来会再来看的，，给你介绍一部动画片，，《大闹天宫》，可好看，，

[shockedinnyc]

I am very surprised that everyone missed this, why go afterhours to someone's hot tub if you are uneasy about the situation? It's been at least 25 years since someone invited me back to their home to "see the artwork", we all know that these kind of invitations are basically end runs around the question "do you want to have sex". Regardless of hiv infection, if you are uncomfortable for any reason, beg off with "i have an early day tommorow" or some other excuse. I really am surprised that the idea that being socially gay with another person requires having sex with that person. True "gay liberation" means freedom from following someone elses rules about your behavior. Follow your heart and gut about a situation. The whole degeneration of every discussion into the code words "pos" or "neg", hides the true middle way of good behavior regardless of health. To paraphrase Nietzche, "Manners and Morals are the same thing". It's good manners not to put yourself into this situation in the first place, to avoid harm to yourself and others.

[John Hill, ESQ]

In California, it is a FELONY to knowingly infect someone. Cal. Health and Safety Code § 120291

Any person who exposes another to HIV by engaging in unprotected sexual activity (anal or vaginal intercourse without a condom) when the infected person knows at the time of the unprotected sex that he or she is infected with HIV, has not disclosed his or her HIV-positive status, and acts with the specific intent to infect the other person with HIV, is guilty of a felony. A person's knowledge of his or her HIV-positive status, without additional evidence, is not sufficient to prove specific intent.

In Georgia, it is a felony (punishable by imprisonment for not more than 10 years).

In Pennsylvania,it is a felony (penalty shall be the same as the penalty for murder of the second degree).

I could go on and on, but there are legal sanctions specifically for knowingly spreading HIV.

[Rob]

Hey Todd,

I'm not in the States, but If you need a friend Ill be there for you.
Its time that you need a friend. To share, I have helped thousands of guys in the beginning first in Holland now world wide. I'm poz to not so good in writing but with a heart. And you will feel better in time but If you need pointers just come to me and you will notice that you have more friends then you ever thought you could have world wide.
hang in there buddy. You already took a big step forewards, by sharing your story.