On A POZitive Note: Full Disclosure

On my final loop of the crowded gay bar I had to squeeze by this cute guy. Our eyes met, we smiled, and before I knew it we were making out.

After a minute we disengaged and properly introduced ourselves. He was British and working in Miami for a company that paid for his apartment “nearby,” as well as his car out front. I was staying in a friend's vacation flat one block away and had it all to myself. “Even better” he said, as he put my hand on his crotch. He was hard, and big. “I hope you like that,” he said, “because I’m going to fuck you with it all night long.”

He put his hand down my pants and said, “Well, it looks like you could give me a run for my money, but I’m only a top. Are you okay with that?”

“Sure,” I said. “I’m versatile so…” He grabbed my arm and started pulling me toward the exit. I pulled him back around and said, “Look, this is difficult for me because it’s the first time I’ve had to have this conversation, but I found out a month ago that I'm HIV-positive and feel I should tell you before we go any further.”

Disappointment showed on his face. “Well, good luck to you” he said. And then he was gone.

I couldn’t get out of the bar fast enough. I suppose if he had been a little kinder about rejecting me -- seeing as how he just had his tongue down my throat -- I wouldn’t have been so hurt. Abrupt as his departure was, I felt slapped in the face, and it stung. But what was I supposed to do -- not tell the guy?

A lot of my friends who are HIV-positive say things like, “Well if they don’t ask, I don’t tell.” But is this socially responsible? I’ve also heard, “It depends on how far you go.” This seems selfish to me, and dishonest. The worst I’ve heard is, “You have to decide how important they are to you -- whether they deserve to know or not.” That's just callous and reckless in my opinion. What if I really started to like someone after we’d hooked up and told him then? How would he ever trust me?

Before I seroconverted I thought if someone were positive he would tell me so I could take extra precautions. Look where it got me.

At sex clubs I used to assume if a guy wants to fuck without condoms, he’s positive (or would be soon). It’s another thing to have that conversation with someone outside of that environment.

I’ve had numerous experiences with guys who didn’t tell me they were positive until after the fact, and it has made me a firm believer in full disclosure, but one experience with blatant rejection can weaken one's resolve.

So, to make it easier to have those conversations in the future, I’m wondering if there are easier ways to broach the subject that aren’t awkward or off-putting. There are always good "come-on" lines, but are there sexier disclosure statements I could try? Somehow I doubt it. Maybe the best I can hope for is to sound endearing or cute, or even humble, but I wonder whether that boarders on pitiful. I don't know, something other than clinical would be nice.

We all face rejection as single people, but rejection based on things like personality or body shape, or even dick size, seems easier to deal with than rejection because of HIV.

I don’t blame anyone but myself for the mistakes I made that led to me becoming positive, but now that I am, I choose to live the rest of my life with integrity. This means facing the hard challenges of being honest about my HIV status with potential sex partners.

At this point in my new life living with HIV, it doesn’t seem like there are easy ways to fully disclose, but if there are, I could sure use some insight.

Comments

[Joel]

Don'T worry Tod You scared this guy away...only because he is unknowing of the facts.....he wanted to top you...according to the CDC topping is less likely to affect him with HIV or he could have used a condom....I have fuck buds and past boy friends that are POZ and im neg....So fear not you wont scare away everyone.....

[Kevin]

Please do not let this one let down from a guy that probably does not even think before he leaps all of the time, get to you. I am with a partner for close to Seven Years now. He was up front with me about his status and all of his medical problems first and he wanted to see my reaction to them. I did not run or shot him down. It was meant for us to meet that night and spend all of this time together. Yes, we did have sex that night and it was fun and safe. So do not give up and especially let this HIV+ results get to you. When you give into the disease that is when it takes you forthe HELL of a ride. Being up front with everyone is the right thing to do. This protects them and especially YOU. Always be smart from here on out. Do not let drunken and druged up stupidity make you become someone that can be facing jail time.

[Dave]

It is illegal not to tell.

[Random Guy]

I don't even know why this is up for discussion... of course you should tell them.

[JT]

You have an obligation to yourself and those you come in contact with to be honest! You can't let shallow people's rejections determine your worth or moral strength.

[Joe]

I am sorry about how that turned out. But telling him was the right thing to do. Thinking over that he was looking for a one night stand anyhow. You should not have been expecting the best in moral fiber. It is a shame people do not just play safe with each other, I assume he rejected you so outright because he was not planning on wearing a condom. Srry again,

[Kristopher]

I agree, HIV+ persons like myself should disclose to anyone you might be a sexual partner with. What I personally resent are these people that judge your worth to society based on the fact that you contracted a virus. What really just ticks me off that often these are the same people that are out barebacking the "HIV neg only" guys on craigslist.

FYI - its only illegal "not to tell" in some states.

[Nick]

Hey dude. I applaud your honesty with this your situation. You could've let your hormones take over the situation and let him fuck your brains out. Then you would've felt upset afterward and told him, which most likely would've freaked him out even more.
I am currently HIV- and would prefer to stay that way (don't we all?), I'm sure you did too. I do ask EVERY time before I go anywhere with a dude -- maybe that's why I don't get laid as much? Who knows.
Anyway, Bravo to you for your honesty! I wish you good health & a healthy life!

[Jason S]

Dude, ever since I found out I was poz 8 years ago I have never been in your situation. The reason is because I no longer put myself in places where people who don't even know each other start to make out and grope each other in public. That's the shitty tacky lifestyle that led to me becoming poz in the first place.
Nowadays I end up actually KNOWING someone before anything intimate comes up, and of course by then they already know my status because they're not some stranger.
Maybe you should stop worrying about how some trick is going to react and start thinking about changing your lifestyle for the better.

[Sammy]

I think there are lots of guys who are comfortable with a poz HIV status, the guy you met was clearly not one of them. Also there r lots of hot guys who are poz, so do not worry. But yes you GOT TO tell them, no two thoughts on that buddy...

[Kyle]

yeah i agree that one should just be honest and up front from the start. not only when it comes to HIV but any STD.

I had a friend once who had herpes and she would go around sleeping with guys and not tell them. I think that's just wrong...

[Roger]

Having been poz now for 11 years I made it a point no matter what to tell my partners I'm HIV+. Doing so will immediately root out the guys that discriminate against poz guys. I am amazed how much discrimination goes on even in the gay community over the subject. I am also amazed how many gay ads I've scene, via mainly C-List, that will say they want to bareback but you must be "clean" in order to have unsafe sex with them. Anyone that judges you harshly because of your HIV+ status is not worth your time. Always remember that we are all in this fight together.

[Case in Chicago]

I agree with alot of the comments above...you should always always tell your status before becoming intimate. That is how we, as a community, are going to save lives and help to control the spread of this virus. Someone worth knowing won't care. In the words the great Dr. Seuss..." The people who care don't matter, and the people who matter don't care".

Health and Happiness,
Case

[ChrisInBalt]

Okay, so the way the guy dropped you was really shitty. But let me tell you, don't EVER not disclose.

I am poz & have been for 7 years now. That rejection will always sting (or downright hurt), but the fact of the matter is this:

Someone apparently never gave you the CHOICE to protect yourself properly. Do you want to be the one to take that choice away from someone else?

Trust me, I know how you feel. I've been there. But just as it is HIS responsibility to ASK your status, it is also your responsibility to TELL others. The burden of that discussion should never fall on only the person who is poz.

I can tell you that you'll be able to sleep a lot more soundly if you do tell guys. You will be able to live with yourself knowing that you didn't put someone at risk; that you did the right thing.

You just need to keep going. That is the only thing that we can do. We need to get past any of the blocks that are put in our way, whether it be in the realm of casual sex or in the dating world.

[G]

i just went through this situation and i am happy we met online. I live in a big enough city i probably will never see him.

All's fine until he drops the poz bomb and the fact his "loving" boyfreind is out of town.

Anything can be justified.

In many ways the internet can be a good screening tool but not everyone is truthful.

[Respect]

Todd, i think you did the right thing. Yes it hurt you but you are still the better man. i must say i am scared to have sex with someone who has hiv, not because i am scared of getting it but the repercussion on others that i am responsible for. If someone had to tell me they are hiv poz, and i had to tell the guy that i feel uncomfortable having sex and give him a chance to hang out, would that still hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone if i am in the situation and i definitely don't believe someone's status matters when it comes to friendship. Let me know if my reply would still hurt.

[Victor Paredes]

Maybe it's these kind of indiscriminate sexcapades that got you into this situation in the first place. Why continue being so sexually available when it put you in such a position where you have to tell someone that you have HIV?

Why not analyze your behavior (not all of us are willing to kiss and have sex with someone within the first 10 minutes of knowing him) and write an article based on a healthier approach to social and sexual interactions?

It just seems like you're perpetuating a problem rather than trying to fix it.

[JwLPhoenix]

I feel what you did was right. What he did was wrong. If you were negative would you not want the other guy to tell you he was positive? It doesn't matter what other people believe in HIV. What matters is how you feel. If you did infect this guy how would you feel? Especially if you didn't tell him. I have several friends who are moving to the trend of no more infections. Which basically means POS individuals sleep with POS and NEG individuals sleep with NEG. It may seem alittle funny but its a health trend to stop the spread.

[hilo31]

Is a "don't ask, don't tell" policy fair? I was under the assumption (at leas here in Alberta) if one does not disclose HIV positive status to potential partners and the partner contracts the virus, the person who did not disclose can be held liable or endure criminal charges. Don't ask, don't tell is a nice and pleasant way of avoiding responsibility and accountability. I am agreeable all parties should disclose their status regarless if positive or negative. All people have a responsibility here to ask and to disclose.

[tomriddlesmate]

This is a sign of our times. POS individuals need to be forthcoming about their status, and unfortunately bare the brunt of the emotional brutality that comes with it.

Soon, treatments will be so simple and so successful, that disclosing HIV status will be a non-issue. until then, we have to buck up.

[chris]

hey there i feel you were responsible in your honesty and i appreciate a person like yourself for what you did i also feel you could have saved face by discussing the topic at your house , he might have reacted different in a private setting rather than a public and competitive arena. none the less you shouldn't let a fling or a man so reckless to one night stand with , hurt your feelings or make you insecure. you sound like a great guy , stay strong and god bless....

[Lee]

The guy who rejected you is a complete asshole. If you being HIV+ was so important to him, then why didn't he bring up status in the conversation?

It seems everybody puts the burden of bringing up status on the POZ Person, what ever happen to taking responsiblity for your own behavior and well being. Sex is, and never has been a one sided situtaiton (unless someone is being raped)!!!

Anybody who is going to have sex (whether he be POZ or NEG, should take responsiblity for their own actions!!!

I have been poz since 1981/82. Everytime a guy tries to pick me up in a bar, I am amazed it is always ME, who brings up status!

[Mike]

It's unfortunate that people react the way they do with HIV-Positive persons, but I can't say I would be extremely graceful in "turning down" an HIV-Positive person. I try to treat people like I would prefer to be treated if I were in their position. Don't let people who are disrespectful or scared affect your judgment about the social responsibility you have. I don't hook-up with individuals for moral reasons and also for precaution against contracting and STD: HIV or otherwise. Kudos to you for being responsible and caring enough for the life of another human.

[RW]

Yes... you had a moral obligation to tell him when you did.

Hiv negative guys have an equal moral obligation to not be complete and total hedonistic assholes.

I would include in that the guy who rejected you, the poster in this string who could only "just be friends" and to all the guys who put things like "please be disease free" or "HIV neg..you be too" in their profiles. Most heinous are the ones who in asking use phrases like "are you clean?"

It is too bad there is not more of a social stigma around being a jerk.

[C]

This is in response to JwLPhoenix's post about pos be with pos and neg be with neg. Although there may be less of a risk pos to pos can still have bad results because of constant mutations in the virus and resistances built against the medications it is still dangerous which is why in any situation it is important to protect yourself even if you're already pos or even negative. I just recently found out I was pos and i had my first set of blood work done everything came back healthy but I still had some mutated viruses show up on my blood panel which showed that the virus origin came from someone who was already on meds and the meds actually showed up in my blood panel. Although the person who infected me didn't know until I revealed to him my status obviously someone wasn't given a choice and was affected which then just trickled down the line. There are so many aspects of this virus that people don't understand and it's scary. Yes I was stupid in some of the choices that I made but it's a very hard lesson learned. I sympythize with guy that wrote this post, because rejection is never easy but when it comes from something such as this it's a whole different feeling and sense of lack of self-worth and although this hasn't happened to me it's a huge social fear that I have, but one that I will no less have to deal with. It's everyone's responsibility to know their status get tested, & protect themselves!

[HypnoToad72]

Unfortunately, cruising ultimately leads to the acquisition of HIV. I can't blame the HIV- chap for running away.

It's just as possible the HIV+ guy might have been in a relationship and was cheated on by a real loser, or had a tainted blood transfusion, or did illegal drugs... or rape. So I'm not entirely closed-minded; HIV can be acquired via several means, not all of which are out of spinning the proverbial roulette wheel.

Condoms are a big help, but until I see more in our "community" discussion trust, relationship building, chastising cheaters, and so on, nothing is going to change. And that's the saddest part of it all. There are horrible stereotypes against BGLT people out there and often with sadly viable reasons.

If we want change, let's make it.

[boomalaty]

what i hate about this situation is that people think that because you will not sleep with someone who is positive that you are either ignorant of the facts on HIV or you are an asshole. I am neither but i choose not to expose myself to something that could potentially cause me major medical trauma and expenses, this does not make me ignorant nor does it make the person that is HIV positive a pariah I just personally choose not to participate in sexual activity knowing someone is positive. I understand what it is like to be discriminated against as i am a chubby/fat/overweight gay man and it is not exactly easy to deal with the "if you don't look like i do i won't talk to you" mentality that most gay men have. I have friends who are positive and i love them dearly. I wish more people were honest about how/who/what they are in relating to others but this is not the case. I tell people even though my pictures don't show it that i am chubby and i know it is not the same thing as having a disease that is potentially deadly but i am treated like i am someone who is diseased. I, just like people who have something should, whether it be an STD or mental or other issue, am honest as i said about my weight. there are always going to jerks in society because they've either been bred that way or choose to be that way the only thing you can do, and i know it sounds all cheesy granola and tree hugging, is greet them with love and know that you are doing what you have to do to be a better person for yourself and for society as a whole. Keep your chin up you'll find someone who can deal with your situation and will love you for the rest of their lives and be there for you for the rest of yours.

[K]

When I first moved to wonderful San Antonio in 2001, I was told by a group of gay men that if a poz guy fucked a neg guy bareback, it was the fault of the bottom negative guy for not asking the top's status. I've always believed that is a load of bs. Because, why should the negative bottom pay for one mistake?
Also, people on here and of course in real life, seem to be upset about rejection because of serostatus, body size, age, etc. What happened to rejecting people nicely and not making them feel like shit when you let them down? There has to be a way of saying "no" without making the other person feel lower than dirt.
There's more I want to say, but I find that if you write a novel on here, the less likely it is that people will read your entry.

[Wild2C]

Hi man, wanted to tell you I admire the fact that you were honest with the guy! A few months ago I messed around with someone who lied to me not just once, but three times when I ask him if he was clean!! What we did was somewhat low risk, and he never did come clean with me. I found out later from a mutual friend.. It's true, people should just always protect themself! Even if they tell you they are neg, should do it anyway - cause I'm finding there are many that will lie to you about it eitherway *people in this world are becoming more and more careless and heartless when it comes to the truth, as each year goes on!! Blame society I guess... I've not got tested yet, so who knows - my taking someones word on the matter, might wind up biting me in the ass in the long run. It's always best to tell the truth, for so many reasons. I'm from the Midwest, and raised with the belief of "an eye for an eye" who knows what I'd do if I found out this pathetic snake actually infected me after I ask him multible times for the truth....

[Lonny LeFever]

It is a sad day in our country, when being right doesn't seem to matter. But there is one thing everyone should remember and let me speak from facts.
If you choose to not tell, it is you that could pay an even higher cost. That will be imprisonment, it is a Fellony not to tell and if you infect someone or even you don't, they can accuse you and you might find your self lock up for a few years.
The good part is, they really don't care once you are behind bars and not the drinking type either

[Jason]

Give others the choice that you yourself were denied. It's a good screen for shallow people anyway.

[glenn]

Definitely should tell a potential partner or stranger you are poz. I am negative but contracted HPV and any person I had sex with was told. Many times were rejected but they were not worth the trouble.

[Craig]

if your looking for a boyfriend...send me an email :)

[Camofchris]

General rule of thumb is to disclose if you think there's a serious possibility of either of these things happening: 1) a fuck or 2) a serious relationship. Usually the earlier the better, although, you might feel out a more serious relationship a bit before dumping your medical history on the poor guy on the first date.

Your health is your business until it has the potential of affecting someone else, so there's no need to introduce yourself as being Poz in the first 10 seconds of a conversation. That's not being selfish: it's being smart.

[Tommy]

I affirm your honesty; sorry you got hurt. Even if HIV did not exist, the lack of real connection in most sex slowly kills our spirits. We don't have an excess of sex in the gay world so much as a shortage of intimacy. My goal is to be emotionally available in whatever I do. Bless your heart!

[Mark]

People with HIV soon learn a clear lesson from negative people: no casual sex if you disclose.

So either give up casual sex, or don't disclose and make sure you play safe.

I've done the latter for years and have infected no one.

[Vince]

One should always be honest and up front and care about the other person even if the other person doesn't ask. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your partner for the night, life, whatever to let them know you are positive, but most people know that, handling that sting of rejection, well, it will most likely happen again, most gay men don't take the time to study HIV and it scares them, he's not a bad guy for doing it, just a foolish one and should have tried to be a little more thoughtful.

[smalltownslinger]

I think you did the rite thing. if someone hooked up with me and they knew they were poz i would have hunted them down and probably killed them. Its not fair to your partner it should be their decision if they want to take the risk so you should tell them. you did the rite thing and i applaud you.

[MT]

Is this really a discussion item 20+ years into the HIV epidemic? Stop feeling sorry for yourself that someone you knew for 5 minutes treated you like.. well, someone he knew for 5 minutes. If you want people to see you for more than your HIV status, get to know them before jumping in the sack with them. HIV can lead to deadly illness, it's not a minor nuisance or a medical inconvenience. The bigger question you should be asking yourself is why you're still slutting it up with guys you don't know because they're cute and they smiled at you in a crowded bar. If you don't want to be treated like a disposable piece of meat, don't act like one. It's pretty simple, but rarely results in endless amounts of instant gratification.

And spare us your moral equivocation about rejection - rejection hurts in any situation in which a person is rejected for not who they are but for what they are. Your pathetic attempt to say you have it worse than any other gay man who isn't perfect in every way is just whining.

Dig 2" below the surface and I think you'll find your bigger issue has nothing to do with being rejected by someone you don't even know and much more to do with you and the choices you've made and continue to make that don't result in you being happy.

[Larry]

Is performing oral sex on a man who is negative considered safe sex? Can you contract the virus HIV from just performing oral sex? How many of us are guilty of "going down" on someone without them wearing protection. I'll respond with the rest of my thoughts when I receive some input from others.

[Nicolas]

I think its cool you said something. I relize most people will not say anything becuase they just want sex and I have been turned on more by someone saying they are Pos then not becuase of their honesty. Ya i dont get laied much becuase I dont like liers and I dont go out for sex like most men. I like to get to know someone before I do stuff. I just wish that the two guys that were pos allowed me to get to know them but they were to afraid of getting me pos.

[Laun]

I agree with all those above, honesty is the best policy, being with some one who is infected is a concern for some one like me who is noninfected. As with all relationships, however, manners are always necessary, truth is very important. Friends, partners, lovers should already have that respect, honesty, and careful precautions taken to begin with. There is however, no excuse for cutting someone down because of status. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with someone as a friend with a status or condition. Everyone needs friends and people to care about them, especially when friends, family don't and show no care or concern. Also, violence towards someone who is or isn't HIV+ is never ok. If you truly love some one, then there is never any reason to physically abuse, torment, or hurt some of person with the intent to infect. Legal issues come in to play here. True love is never jealous!!!!!!!, and never gives into violence. Be good to eachother, kind,
considerate, generous, loving, understanding.

[Another random guy]

Yes you should always be honest about your HIV status (as well as other STDs) no matter how uncivilized and rude the other person might be. You absolutely did the right and the moral thing. However, I diagree with you when you say: "rejection based on things like personality or body shape, or even dick size, seems easier to deal with than rejection because of HIV". Only the person who is being rejected feels and knows the pain. Small dicks (or other features that don't meet arbitrary standards of beauty) are objects of mockery and ridicule....and guys that possess small dicks are constantly demasculinized and desexualized. I would argue that emotionally these sorts of stigmas have the same effects...they erode one's sense of confidence and security.

[Darryl]

I want to thank you for sharing your story. I am POZ and have known for about 7 months now. I do go out to clubs and have been asked to go home with many guys and something in the back of my mind tells me not to do it and honestly, I did go home with one guy once without telling him. Luckily, he practiced safe sex and I still have a sense of guilt to this day that I did not tell him. Now when guys ask me I simply say no. Just because i don't want to be in that situation. I know a lot of people say be up front about it but when you are new the whole thing, it's very difficult. I understand. I think you did the right thing and after reading this it has given me hope that there are still people out there who are kind and are willing to even try to understand and not everyone is going to say no to you. We need to be strong and not be afraid because this is the part of the disease that will hurt you the most. We all need to stick together. I wish you the best of luck (not that I'm trying to sound like the guy in your story ;)

[Bubbie]

easy solution. Stop being whores.

and when you do that, and meet a guy worth having sex with, yes you should tell him and chances are if he cares enough. it wouldn't be a HUGE issue.
Then again, it might. It depends on the person.

Its a BIG thing to take into consideration.

BUT, if you're a bar LOOKING for a hook up. why even bother telling anyone?
They probably have it too.

Do you think some stranger who wants to use you for sex would tell you they have a disease if they're never gonna see you again?!!
seriously!

ok best to y'all

[Brahmms]

Man, kudos to you for being straight with him about it. It's his loss. (Especially since he wanted to top you and his significantly less likely to get infected topping you with a condom on, than bottoming in general.) I've still not been put in a situation where I had to decided if I was going to stay with a guy after finding out he's positive, but, as much as I've considered it so far, I would probably still want to see where things led. I'm sorry that happened to you. There are definitely guys out there who will realize they can be with you and be safe. Good luck.

Also, to anyone that thinks it's okay to wait and see how important they are to you, that's bull. If you're willing to put their health at risk before you tell them, they clearly aren't that important to you at all. You should just tell them up front and realize that they aren't worth your time if it's not something they can see past. The same way you're probably over people not wanting to be around you because you're gay. It sucks that some people will be assholes, but this isn't like coming out of the gay closet. If you don't tell someone, you could be putting their health at risk. Of course, until you're getting ready to do something that could infect them, you shouldn't feel pressured to tell anyone.

[Steve]

Where you wrote "at sex clubs I used to assume" I stopped reading. You are unhappy about your status and the problems it poses; this is not different from my problem. I have chosen not to go to sex clubs, to be very selective in my sexual contacts. I have made these choices before contracting HIV hoping that I never will become infected. I have chosen to be responsible before that fact; not a popular or happy choice, but certainly a healthier one. My point is this: there was never a time when you were not responsible for HIV management as a gay man. That you are wondering about this now means you were not thinking clearly before. That you debate your present responsibilities means you are still not thinking all that clearly. You did the right thing in telling. I'm sorry it hurts; but it is no better on my side. The difference is that I have made a choice to help finish this disease in our community through my actions. I ask the same of you.

[ChrisInBalt]

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!

I have read several of the comments on here as well as already having posted one myself.

TO boomalaty:

No one is questioning someone's willingness to have sex with someone who is poz. THIS conversation is about HOW the rejection is dealt and WHEN to disclose serostatus or not.

TO Wild2C:

You said, "A few months ago I messed around with someone who lied to me not just once, but three times when I ask him if he was clean!!"

Do you hear yourself? You asked him if he was "clean". So does that make those of us who are poz "dirty"? You REALLY need to watch how you say things. It can reveal your ignorance very VERY quickly!

TO K:

You wrote, "I was told by a group of gay men that if a poz guy fucked a neg guy bareback, it was the fault of the bottom negative guy for not asking the top's status. I've always believed that is a load of bs. Because, why should the negative bottom pay for one mistake?"

IT IS THE RESPMOSIBILITY OF BOTH PEOPLE TO HAVE AN OPEN DIALOGUE ABOUT STATUS BEFORE SEX. IT IS NOT THE SOLE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE POZ GUY TO DISCLOSE. IT IS ALSO THE RESPONISBILITY OF THE NEG GUY TO ASK.

BY SAYING THAT IT IS THE RESPONISIBILITY OF ONLY THE POZ GUY TO DISCLOSE, YOU ARE TRYING TO REMOVE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. THAT WAY IF YOU BECOME POZ YOU CAN PLAY THE VICITM, e.g. "I'm poz now. I didn't know the he was poz." Okay, so he didn't tell you, BUT DID YOU ASK HIM? NO!

BOTH GUYS ARE EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU ROWN ACTIONS!!!!!! THAT IS THE REAL PROTECTION!

To the rest of the nimrods on here (this means you HypnoToad72, Bubbue, et. al.): "Cruising" or "casual sex" DOES NOT ultimately lead to STIs or becoming poz.

Whether you are poz or neg, YOU ARE BOTH RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS. IF HE DOESN'T TELL YOU HIS HIV STATUS, THEN YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ASKING. PERIOD!

As I said before, I do think that you should disclose your status. But that does not excuse you from ASKING someone what their status is!

GOT IT? GOOD. GET IT!

[Matt]

Yes, it was good that you were honest, etc., etc. But the next time you're in the same kind of situation, I think that, immediately after dropping the "Poz bomb" you should ask: "And how about you?"

I'll bet you anything that your Brit friend has developed such an HIV phobia that he's rarely--if ever!--been tested. He's used to dealing with people who are far less honest than you are, and chances are he simply chooses to ignore the possibility that he's already poz, opting instead to act as if he were morally superior to those who have HIV.

[frudoo83]

i am HIV negative. If i want to have fun , i would not care if it is with a positive or negative guy as long its safe. cause i have to deal with everyone as they are positive and use condoms unless proven otherwise. but like every other gay guy i feel scared to be with HIV positive even though i know i should not if we were safe. so my advise , dont tell unless he asked u or unless u want something meaningless. but be sure to be 100% safe