Life Lessons for a Gay Man

A friend of mine and I were enjoying lunch together and talking about all the misadventures we've had throughout the years. It got me thinking about how there are so many life lessons you learn as a gay man but we never seem to share them all with each other. There is no book or guide for us....YET.

I thought I would share with you the lessons I've learned so far, hoping they'll help you along your journey. Some may be lessons you already know, but it never hurts to hear them again, and they may even help us support each other through life.

Here are 20 life lessons for a gay man:

1. If he cheated on his ex, there is a good chance he will cheat on you.

2. Just because he has big feet doesn't mean he will have a big dick.

3. No one will make you happy. You have to make yourself happy.

4. Putting 28 as your age on your online profile because you think you look 28 doesn't make you 28.

5. To get love, you must give love.

6. Opportunity knocks only once, so you need to be ready to answer the door.

7. There are two types of people: go-getters and no-getters. Choose which one you want to be.

8. Learn to forgive and let go; no one likes someone who is bitter.

9. You are not very straight-acting if you want to have sex with guys. I do not know any straight people who would do that.

10. The guy you diss today could be the best friend of the guy you want tomorrow.

11. Don't be an asshole

12. If you don't know where you are going in life you'ill be stuck exactly where you are right now.

13. Learn to laugh at yourself.

14. When the online ad says it's his first time doing this, I doubt it.

15. A boyfriend will never complete your life; he can only add to it.

16. A friend points out you flaws. A true friend loves you as you are.

17. In 2009, there is no excuse not to have an online picture. NONE.

18. We can either look for the flaws, mistakes and shortcomings in people and people, or we can look for the successes, the opportunities and the joy.

19. No one cares what you say you are going to do. They only care what you actually do.

20. When in doubt, just whip it out.

OK, so maybe number 20 isn't the best life lesson but you get the point. I really hope these life lessons help you out or even make you laugh. These days, we can all use a good laugh.

I would love to hear what life lessons you can share with us. What are some you have learned along the way?

Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

(Image courtesy of Getty)

Comments

[Mark]

"16. A friend points out you flaws"

'Your' I assume. As a writer I assume you know how to edit and basic mistakes should not be overlooked.

"1. If he cheated on his ex, there is a good chance he will cheat on you."

Are you saying that EVERY person that has cheated will cheat? This is an absolute rule?

I used to enjoy reading your articles, but rule number one makes me rethink my opinion. Of course *most* men who cheat will be repeat offenders, but some of us have been reformed and saw the error in our behavior.

I do wonder what you tell your clients if they seek your help to stop cheating. Do you tell them that they will always be a cheater and that is no help for them?

[James]

Wow, unlike Mark, I think it's pretty obvious you didn't mean #1 to be an absolute rule (otherwise it would have said "If he cheated on his ex, he will cheat on you").

And as for the comment on #16, at least you only left out one letter; he left out an entire word in his reply. For some reason "Do you tell them that they will always be a cheater and that is no help for them?" just doesn't seem like a perfect sentence to me... ;)

Nice column!

[Ping]

This article sucks. Here's the lesson I've learned about life... don't publish a list of idioms and over used phrases, that opens you up for criticism from people who can see past your pseudo-wisdom.

[Aedon]

I agree with this list. Minus the one grammatical error which I can over look very easily.

I especially like 12 13 and 15 they're all true. This is a great list and there are so many people out there that I know that should reall read this and most of it can go both ways it isn't just gay only.

[brainstud681]

Rule #21: People who get stuck on the quality of maxims to the point that they actually waste time in their lives to criticize them need to find purpose in their lives.

Rule #22: The fact that a well-meaning idea is placed in a list of maxims does not automatically disqualify it from having relevence to someone's life.

Rule #23: I'm awesome.

Rule #24: Anyone who disagrees with me isn't.

[Peter]

Should add to the list:
Gay drama is, the result of a narcissistic personality that believes it is the mass of the universe. If you think you will ever be loved for loves sake by such a person, you're sorely mistaken. They will only love you for they can get from you to add to their blackhole of altruism.

[Peter]

sorry...that last sentence should read,
They will only love you for WHAT they can get from you to add to their blackhole of altruism.

[oldkingtroll]

17 (revised). There are reasons why, even in 2009, people decide not to post pictures of themselves. It is up to each of us to determine whether the reason is valid.

21. Why should anyone date a guy who wouldn't date himself? (especially applicable to guys looking for younger than themselves)

22. (my own favorite) One man's insult is another man's fetish.

[brainstud681]

Rule #25: Oldkingtroll's Rule #22 makes him awesome.

[TJ]

I've read a few of his articles, most of which were dull and one big cliche. This is no exception.

I find it hard to believe this guy is a successful life coach. These rules can be found in Chinese fortune cookies.

[Stephen]

Mark from Apr. 3,

Your first paragraph is critical of the author's editorial skills, yet your last phrase would benefit from those same skills.

Some of us have SEEN the error in our behavior.

[urboring]

What a stupid pile of crap article. Nearly all of your "lessons" are recycled, pithy, Dear Abbey-esque cliches.

This one's the killer: "To get love, you must give love." Wow, you must of spent years meditating on the mountaintop to come up with that one.

I've gotten more insight from a Hallmark card.

[hammerhand]

First of all, many of your so called "life lessons" could apply to anyone, not just gay people. Second, as for #17, there are plenty of reasons for people to not have a photo online. The point is that we shouldnt be rude to those that dont. They have their reasons im sure. Believe it or not, a lot of people's lives dont revolve around their online profiles. Third, 2 and 20 are just childish and stupid.

[bottombuster2]

#17 is so true! If your "out" enough to be on this site or anty other dating sites, you should post your pic.OR are you trying to be what your not. Now theres a great way NOT to have a solid relationship. If I cant see what you look like ,than I want nothing to do with you, your more than likely hiding something. We have come along way the last fifteen years or so and not too many people really care that your gay today .Live ,love and bust that closet door off it's hinges!!!!! ......Jon

[jokerswild1954]

I think you missed one very important thing. one of those 20 should have been, "do not be a control freak "

[funrancher]

Are 17 and 18 somewhat self-contradictory? 17 is intolerant and absolute while 18 tells us to be tolerant and understanding. Which is it? Why is it not a personal choice to include a picture in one's online profile? Not everyone in every chat room is looking for a relationship. Some participate simply to chat and not to get married.

[cafenab]

Does being gay really have all of he connotations in the "twenty rules," or does being gay you simply like man-to-man sex. I'm married to a woman who understands that my sexual needs are male directed, so I'm gay from a strictly physical standpoint. I laugh at all the profiles that read, "looking for a ltr, no drama, no baggage. Translated it reads, blah, blah, blah. My byline reads, "Hookups? Sure, why are we on this site anyway?"

[Stephen]

Don't live with an ex or a friend you (still) have feelings for...it will turn out to be more painful than you realized.

I guess sometimes you learn this the hard way. There is no way to fool yourself to believe that you will be ok when you see him and the guy he is talking all cuddled up on the couch when you wish in your heart it was you he was holding.

[JT]

I like this, and a bunch of the guys criticizing it could learn to take a lesson from number 11.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. If you wouldn't say it to a person's face, don't say it. Just because you have the power of anonymity behind you doesn't give you a reason to be a huge condescending jerkbag.
There is only one rule in life:
Be a good person.
So guys, cut the crap and just be good people. You don't like the article, fine. You don't have to say anything nasty about it. That's not what good people do.

This list is really cute, and it made me happy. That was the point of it. It's fluffy and there are some really good points in it.
Nobody is going to like the entire list. Doesn't mean the author sucks. I say good job.

[FW]

"Life Lessons For A GAY Man"? This article should have been titled "Life Lessons For A Human Being". They're not by any stretch exclusive to being gay -- or straight, bisexual, purple or green. Most of these idioms are just common sense (you don't need a 'life coach' to tell them to you)-- but unfortunately 'common sense' isn't that very common anymore.

It's all part of being human . . . treat yourself and others with respect, and live with integrity. Many people in our society today seem to have lost sight of this -- and "gay men" aren't excluded from that pool of people. Seems most folk buy into the 'lowest common denominator' of behavior far too quickly and too often. How is it said . . . "when you know better, you do better"? :-)

[michael]

Jeese. No wonder why most gay people spend most of their time tearing criticisms on others at the bars, gyms, etc. You are just full of bitter self hating mindset that can't see any goodness in anything. And you wonder why you can't find a man to love you.
It's not them. IT'S YOU.

[KM]

Even in 2009 there are very valid reasons to NOT post your pic on line, especially if you are in the military or if you live in a small town, or perhaps it would cause great pain to someone you care about (I'm talking parents or siblings, not hiding from your ex).

Perhaps you haven't kept up on the news about employers doing research on potential employees. Even if your pics don't show what a hot ass or huge dick you have, just having your pic up can lead to problems. It is a big decision and often has nothing to do with self esteem or the closet.

[maestro27]

I liked it! Wish more people in our community lived by some of these.

[Jorden]

Although some of these are "recycled clichés" they still hold true, for anyone gay or straight. A grammatical error is not a sign of one’s "wisdom" rather an over sight from someone passionate about something they want to share. I find it sad that people over look the importance of what is being said and pick it apart because they are themselves that unhappy. Mark, I applauded you for your attempt and agree that these are life lessons. As for those of you who would rather choose to be negative and bitter, find something that makes you happy. We have enough people out there in the world attempting to pick us apart that we do not need to turn on each other. To quote number 11 "don't be an asshole". It’s one thing to point out an error; it’s another just to be a prick. I am sure there are grammatical errors, perhaps a few missed words that I am sure someone will point out. The point that they have to understand is this; “ I don’t care.”

[Keith]

Never do buisiness with a tweeker.

[Bubbie]

YES!!!! THANK GOD! FINALLY A LIST!!
I agree 10000000000000%

[Let's Talk]

Agree that these are simple basics for ANYONE! #17 is absolutely true. Let me see what you look like. No one is saying you have to have a closeup. If you want a wear a hat and sunglasses and stand back aways that's okay! At least let people know that you're not an alien mutant. If you want to show your dick, ass and pics from your last orgy, you can always send those in private. And make sure the pic was taken within the last few months. A pic that is 5-10-20 years old is going to cause you great embarrassment at some point. The same way the claim of 8 inches gets when there's only 6 upon the revealing truth!

[Greg]

These will surely not apply to every individual, but every individual will likely identify with at least one. I see nothing wrong with offering these phrases with the understanding they are not universal. I am bothered personally that the first two relate to sex. I would prefer the list begin with something more substantive.

[Daft]

"Straight acting" is not a bad thing. Straight men define themselves all the time with terms. Maybe gay men can define themselves as "masculine" instead of "straight acting" but I know I would much rather be with "straight acting guys" then "femme, drama filled fags."

[Scott]

I think were lucky to have Michael Moniz writing intelligent articles for us. I hear he's really cute too.

[Dan]

...lists, and more lists, LOL, having just come out in the last four years and being over fifty, I can use some catchup pointers for sure...thanks for that. I have been on a self discovery journey since deciding to allow my authentic self to shine once and for all. One thing I struggle with is why all the animosity on some gay sites, wasn't growing up gay tough enough? I have come into happiness fully for the first time and I welcome good advice, well done, good article...

[Bryan]

#21. Never buy property, have/adopt a child or a pet to prop up a shaky relationship. If things are bad, it will only be a matter of time before the new wears off.

[zarxo]

Here's another one that most do and do not think about. If you were an asshole and have changed, you should swallow your pride and reintroduce yourself to people "who are good and were good to you" they will undstand and forgive over time. It is up to you, the gratiated one to make this clear to those that know you--as far as we know, you're still an asshole--and we avoid such people, still.

Anyone mature and who works on a conversational level should and would allow reparation. But this usually does not happen because the former is still stuck on rule 12.

[ray]

i really don't care for the term straight acting either. but to say no gay man cannot be masculine because he likes sex with men is absurd. that is what you are implying. in 2009 there are very good reasons not to post a picture online, one of which would be you're not looking for a quickie. try living in a small community and tell me how out i should be, get real! i have another one for you. anyone who thinks they'll find mr right in a chat room is a fool and deserves to be one.

[steve]

#1 should be use a condom

[butterflyboy]

Rule #21 -
Understand that the true motivation behind judging someone so you can pick on them is your own insecurity. Be a man and face your fucking issues instead of being a bratty child.

Rule #22 -
Stop using your sexuality to segregate yourself from society. The key to acceptance and equality is through integration and inclusion. Gays keep gays out of the mainstream society more than straight people do. Stop placing your sexuality so high up on your list of what defines who you are because the truth is you have more in common with everyone else than you think.

Rule #23 -
Have respect for other people's beliefs and lifestyles. How can so many gay people demand that people accept them and then be so intolerant themselves. Don't be a hypocrite.

[Jerod]

I was ok with the list until I got to 9. The world is filled with masculine men who just also happen to like dick. Percentage wise, more of these men exist than the less prevalent queeny, flaming, messes that do their best to represent the gay community as the be all and end all. Its actually the queer that feels the need to be flame everywhere he goes, that sets back the gay cause a hundred years every time he opens his mouth.

[butterflyboy]

oh and Rule #24 -

You don't have to fucking hang out in bars all the time. If you aren't getting what you want out of it, like: your dream BF, fun, fulfillment, or anything constructive, then quit bitching and don't fucking go there. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to hang out in some shitty bar every weekend. Do something different.

[ekco]

mark that is the exception, not the rule. most guys that cheap will continue. end of story. you are living in the "cinderella" world. lemmie go one further. the way you met your one that cheated , more than likely meets his cheat-ees the same way

[Jeffrey]

One lesson I have learned is to not make a person your priority when you are only their option. I liked the list screw the critics.

[Allen]

After observing all the comments and concerns about this article and this list I can say one thing gay men are so quick to judge and criticize a person on their flaws and everything else instead of learn to accept a person for what they have to say.

What I learned in life is that people (especially gay men) can turn the mirror on others and have no problem judging them,criticizing them and are so quick to point out their flaws, but will never turn the mirror on themselves because they are afraid what they will see.

So again try and turn the mirror on yourself and see what your flaws are because i know everyone has something that they don't like and are to ashamed to point it out to themselves

[rimmer469]

Life lesson list should also include...
#30 everyone should know how to cook at least one meal from scratch and cook it well. You never know when you will be called upon to perform this task.
#31 clean up after yourself! No matter where you are; at a trick's, your mother's, a boyfriend's, your home...at least offer--if told not to worry about it--then do it anyway!
#32 bring something when visiting-flowers, wine, quirky card or gift-what a surprise for the host/hostess! and you always get invited back :) (provided you do #31)

[rimmer469]

also....#33
today's trick is tomorrow's competition!

[Dan]

Okay, so now I guess it's time to dissect every inconsequential error in the punctuation/grammar; as if it has any pertinence to the connotation of the actual article. I mean really?

[rimmer469]

my previous comment seems to be missing

[MonsterousMonster]

21. If you meet a guy in a chat room and he says he can get you into porn, there is a 99.9% chance he is scamming you.

22. If you meet a guy from online and he looks nothing like his picture, don't let him guilt you into doing him.

-shudder-
Going through those are like rites of passage in the gay community.

and...

23. To be wise, one must first have been naive.

[rrchatter]

Whether we like the article or not, a message did get across to us. It is great to debate anything that provokes the mind. Love reading the responses to this piece.

[lizzle23]

Considering the large amount of gay men with eating disorders, I think it's important to point out that one can not weigh one's self esteem.

[mike]

oh boy, everyones a critic these days , so he missed a letter in a word. Guess that means the worlds comeing to a end lol

[RW]

Lesson number 20: Don't listen to anyone who gives you a list of 20 things that are supposed to pertain to ALL gay men. He is as small minded as any bigot, even if he himself is gay.