Ask Adam & Tony: "Lost for Words"

"Dear Adam & Tony,
I’m dating this incredible guy. We’ve seen each other three times over one week. Although I'm less nervous than the first date, I'm still nervous when I see him and sometimes don't know what to talk about. The third date started badly and made me feel awkward but ended really well. Although I think he's still interested in me now, how can I make sure that I can keep his interest? I don't want this to be a short-lived intense dating scenario when I'm really enjoying his company but I want him to enjoy mine too." -- Kevin

Tony: Kevin, you need to realize that what you’re saying says more about you than it does about your new found boyfriend.  You say he’s incredible, the third date ended well, he’s interested in you. All good; but then you focus on what you see as your shortcomings in keeping it going.  I sense that you’re nervous because you have a desperate need to convince yourself that you are interesting and good to be with.  You have to work on seeing yourself more positively, and recognize it’s not only your responsibility to maintain and develop the relationship.  What is it they say about tangos?

Adam: I suggest you try to imagine yourself as an interesting person in your mind’s eye.  Find somewhere comfortable for a spot of daydreaming, then close your eyes, and picture yourself at your most animated.  What is it you’re most passionate about?  See yourself talking about this topic, with your new boyfriend listening intently.  Imagine it in as much vivid detail as you can.  How are you standing?  What is the setting?  How does he react as you talk?

Tony: You see, what Adam’s getting at is that your thoughts create outcomes.  If you think you’re uninteresting, then you will be!  If you can get that vision of you being relaxed, entertaining, and fully enjoying being together, then this will unlock all that you have inside you to make that happen.  It works, believe me.  Try it and see.  What have you got to lose?

Adam: My final piece of advice is to trust yourself.   Trust yourself to be interesting.  Look at the evidence: the first three dates have gone well.  Affirm to yourself that this guy likes you, that you have fun together.  As you relax into being more and more comfortable in each other’s company, you will become more and more yourself.  He’ll see you as you really are, and you’ll see him as he is.  Then, together, you’ll be able to work out for yourselves whether this is a short-lived dating scenario, or the relationship you’ve been waiting for.

Good luck, Adam and Tony

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Harry]

After that other column on dating issues, this is a delight and a relief!

[hoopla]

maybe you should change that ridiculous shirt.

[oldkingtroll]

Try doing things on some dates -- things that you can talk about after you're finished. My favorites include white water rafting, biking, visiting the local tropical garden, going to the Glades, snorkeling, and on and on. The more you have to talk about in common, the easier it will be to talk about things that are unique to you.

[JimE]

funny, I don't see an incredible guy in the picture?

[Johnny_stjerne]

while all of that advice was wonderful I think the questioner was asking more about sure-fire ways of always being interesting and having something to talk about.. however, that's something you have to cultivate ..creative imagining and self-confidence are indeed a most crucial step in "being interesting (or anything)" but the next biggest step after creative thinking is being proactive about the situation.. want to be interesting? be comfortable in your own skin and talk about and do things that you like, and don't be ashamed to admit that these are the things that you're into... but also take notes of what the other person is interested in... by which I mean if he has interests that are off-the-wall to you and you don't know much about or haven't ever heard of, do some serious googling and try to get on the same page.. I don't mean make yourself into an expert (after all, for most, a know-it-all is a huge turn-off).. but, if you know just bare minimals about a subject of interest it gives your partner / love-interest-whatever something to talk about / teach and *share* with you .. the same as your could do in return
cultivate a mind-set of being able to listen without jumping to conclusions
stay current with the media.. watch the news and get some idea (form your own conclusions by going to more than 1 resource.. all media is biased) about what's happening in the world
watch comedies and stay up to date with what's funny (besides.. rarely anyone has an original sense of humour.. most of the jokes that are told everyday came from some movie, stand-up or sitcom)
and don't forget to always brush your teeth

[Richi]

Those two guys in the picture are adorable. They look like the perfect couple having a blast together. Either of them would make a perfect boyfrined for me.

[DufferINVermont]

The advice makes complete sense to me. And, I will admit that I am in a very similar situation with someone who I think is quite smashing and wonderful, although our time together (one month) does seem like a very Victorian courtship. Yikes!

On another note, the few comments made concerning the article, such as, 'I don't see an incredible guy in the picture,' are very sad. I find a man's personality to be far more attractive than anything else about him, the rest is secondary. But, I realize that is just me...someone who you would most likely not find incredible.

[Joe]

1. Start by asking him why he's hanging out with you in the first place. He needs to be specific. Once you have the specifics, then you have some objective reasons to keep being (or intensify) whatever he likes in you. And you need to tell him why you're hanging out with him. You need to have this conversation TODAY as opposed to six months from now (after you've gone through several boxes of condoms and gained 10 pounds because you've gotten "comfortable" eating ice cream again).

2. He's not with you because you make his blood boil or his blood pressure drop! Make a list of things that he doesn't like to talk about or feels strongly about and avoid those topics. If he wanted to be pissed off, he can get that way by plenty of people he knew before he hooked up with you.

3. Don't assume anything! It's easy to get caught up in the school-girl-like giggling and smiling at each other and think that because you shared a few "moments" that the other person is thinking what you're thinking. Again, be clear on what you two want out of each other. This notion of "Let's just see where things go" is outdated, over-used, and leads to a lot of "Oh, I just kind of thought something was there" type of lines after he finally tells you that you guys were just "hanging out" and hangs up the phone.

4. Don't annoy, nag, pressure, or criticize him. And don't allow him to do it to you. You don't owe each other a d*mn thing, so don't judge or hold this person to some "bar" that you can't even measure up to!

5. Don't limit yourself to this guy. Hang out with other people and demonstrate that you actually have a life. One sure-fire way for me to lose interest in someone is to hear them say "I'm pretty much a home body and I don't really get into anything." Until you clearly establish that your "interest" in each other has manifested into something else, have fun and leave it at that.

[splerk]

What is the problem?
3 successful dates.
So what for a little dead air space.
Relax and be yourself, you just can't go wrong with that.
Don't go research too much what he is into.
That is trying too hard to conform to a personality & that shows that you are not really being you as a sign of insecurity.
Relax & go with the flow.
If he gets pissy at a subject, take note on how he handles his anger to see if you want to handle him in the big picture.
Keep in mind, he might sometimes feel uncomfortable too in his wanting to empress you as well.
If you are somewhat of a homebody, say so.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But say you do go out every once in awhile because you like to dance, but aren't a part of the Bar Scene, if that works for you.
It does because you create a large general greay area of in betweens for you to explore each other further.
Don't deny you or HIM who you really are, or it will be over before it began.

[james_oxford]

Gay men make dating so much more complicated than it needs to be!

The answer is simple always get together to do something you both would enjoy (even if you weren't on a date). That way if the date doesn't go well, you still got to do something you wanted to do anyways. And if the date does go well it's just and added bonus.

Just be yourself. If you try to change who you are just to satisfy the other person you'll only delay the break up from occurring. But if you're a nice fellow and he's a nice fellow even if you don't last as a couple, you'll still be good friends.

In the end most gay guys are total head cases, but follow the rule above and it won't make a difference.

Best of luck.

[lacosta]

i've been in an incredibe relationship for about a month now and it is going smashing. we are total opposites. i have a few extra pounds and he is thin as a rail. he is a medical professional and i am retired. we are both in our fifties and really enjoy one anothers company. if we are not together we are on the phone with each other. we have had several outings and know we like one another, which is a positive. we have patience with one another and don't squabble. we just enjoy. thanks. lacosta

[Liam]

What is it about yourself that you believe he'll find undesirable/uninteresting?

[drewdle]

I couldn't help but to chuckle at the comments about the picture. I have to wonder if people actually thought that was the couple in question. As if Adam and Tony barged in on their 3rd date and asked for them to pose for a picture for an upcoming article.

[steven]

wow its amazin i can share my story with you guys i finally found my love he came to visit me we know each other almost two years ago or more we only could be afew hours one year ago but in this time he spend with me 6 wonderfull days its really amazing wen you are fall in love he were so gentle and he made me feel as some one really loves me unfourtunally we arent together right now he lives so far but we ar planing to be together very soon i know him very well as he know me we arre conected i will find and defend as avrils song it has been a long serching for love but i finally got mine