The Truth About Love

It's that time of year again when we believe in love and Cupid rains little pink and red glitter hearts down on us as we celebrate Valentine's day. Well, love sucks!

Sure they make it look all happy and full of joy on the 14th, but the rest of your year is spent working. Not working at your job but working on your relationship. No one tells you the truth about love. Love takes work!

When we first get together it is all fun and games. You spend late nights talking and laughing because you can't get enough of each other. You surprise each other with little gifts and go on small adventures to build your relationship and get to know one another. Then the honeymoon starts to end....

When the honeymoon ends you start to notice the little things that weren't there before. You notice how they never can seem to be able to brush their teeth in the morning without getting the mirror dirty. You notice how all their stuff makes it in the house but ends up in a pile on the kitchen counter which grows and grows. You notice how they expect a return text with in seconds no matter what time of day. You notice when you tell them about your day at work, they seem to drift off thinking about themselves or when is "Lost" coming on tonight. You notice how dinners out turn into YOU picking up take out so you can watch more reruns of Family Guy at home.

These little things start to annoy you. In the beginning we learned all about the great things about them but as we get to know them more and more we also see the other side, such as the bad habits. These bad habits are annoying and sometimes can change but most of the time they are life long habits you will have to learn to endure.

So why do we stay with them? Because even though these habits annoy us, the foundation of the relationship is healthy. All relationships are built on love, trust, communication and shared goals.

Love - Do I even need to explain this? When you are with someone you love them. There is something about them that just makes your heart flutter. They make you smile when they enter a room and the simple and small things they do each day remind you how much you love them more and more. We want to be loved and to be loved, you have to love in return.

Trust - In any healthy relationship there is trust. You have to be able to trust your partner. This trust is what helps you work well together and be supportive of each other. You don't have to worry if they'll come home after work because they just will. You want to know what they say to you is true with no second guessing.

Here is the hard part, your partner also needs to trust you. If you want to be able to trust them, you are going to have be trustworthy yourself. This allows you both to be vulnerable with each other. Trusting someone does make you vulnerable but, only when the trust is broken. If you both jump in together, there shouldn't be anything to worry about.

Communication - You're going to have to be able to talk to each other and more than just talking, you need to listen and understand. Part of this is the small talk we make every day about what happened at work, what movies we like, what we want to do on the weekend and what is for dinner. The deeper communication is about our expectations, feelings and mistakes.

Our partner will never be able to read our minds. We have to let them know our expectations. Is it fair for you to set an expectation but never let them know what it is? How will they ever reach it? You wouldn't want them to do that to you. You also want to be able to tell them how you feel. Sometimes it is great and sometimes it isn't. We should be able to talk to them about our feelings and be heard and understood, not brushed aside for their own personal needs. And lastly, we need to be able to admit our mistakes, say I am sorry and be forgiven. This all comes with communication. Take the time and space to let each other be heard and then resolve and respond to what is being understood.

Shared Goals - We are not always going to like the same music, movies, or plays as each other. We may not always want to do the same things on the weekend. We may not even like the same friends but, our life goals need to be aligned. When we share common goals with our partner, it helps our relationship grow throughout the year because we both want the same things.

If you want to move and live on the beach and your partner wants to move and live in the mountains, how will you make this work? You both have the common goal to move from where you are but you will need to discuss where so you both can be happy. It is not about changing each other but realizing we both need to head the same way. This comes from collaboration NOT compromise.

Compromise is when you give something up to get something else, and your partner does the same. Collaboration is when you really take the time to figure out a win/win situation so you both can be happy. It doesn't happen over night and it will take work but, isn't it worth it in the end for everyone to be happy?

When you have love, trust, communication and shared goals you have a strong foundation for your relationship. Sure the small stuff will always be there but you will get through it all with a solid foundation. How do I know? Well that list of small stuff is all the things I do in my relationship.

Yes I am guilty of all those annoying habits and many, many more but Justin is still with me through all these years because we love each other, because we trust each other, because we talk too much, and because we are creating a life together. Sometimes I believe it is not the great things Justin brings to my life that keeps us together, it is the simple fact I don't think anyone else could put up with me!

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Joe]

Love is hard work. But the rewards of being with a great guy is worth all the effort. Michael and I have only been together 7 months but we know that our love will last because we have mutual respect for one another. If one of us is tired and just cant do anything, its ok because that just happens. Michael is the best thing that ever happened to me for many reasons. One is the fact that he is helping me raise my 3 year old son from a disasterous straight marriage. He has brought me out of the closet. I feel myself wanting everyone to know the he is mine. I am just so proud to be with him that my world could not be better. Just hang in there, there are some annoyances, but when you get that warm feeling inside knowing you have someone that truly loves you and someone you can truly love, it is just all worthwhile.