On A POZitive Note: Opting Out

At two in the afternoon I text him, "Am I seeing you tonight?" By seven I had my answer, nothing. I had a hunch it might happen so I didn't feel as victimized, but it still hurt. 

"I take it you opted out" was the beginning of my last text to him. "Don't worry, I get it. I've done it more than a handful of times to guys who told me they were HIV positive, so I know what you are going through. Truthfully if the tables were turned, and my new crush just found out he was POZ, I would have done the same thing. Two dates does not a relationship make, so it won't kill us to face facts. If I'm wrong, you can call me to talk me out of feeling this way. If I'm not? Well, we both know the answer. Hope to hear from you." 

He didn't call.

I was stood up for a date he had pressed me to keep even though I was still in shock about my new status. He who sent me consoling text messages saying, "Just because you're positive doesn't mean I won't be here for you." And, "Don't push me away, we can still make this work" and even, "I'm going to hold you all night and play big spoon little spoon."

The idea of being held got through to me. It had been a little over a week since I'd found out I was positive and with all my confusion about it, I could have really used his arms around me while I wallowed in self pity, if only for a few hours.

I had tried to dissuade him from pursuing me because I knew he hadn't thought it through. He was doing what I had done so many times before, being altruistic in his mind but his heart hadn't caught up yet.

I knew the language. I had used it with guys I'd dated who told me on our third or fourth date that they were positive. "Sure I can deal with it," I always said, "I've had sex with POZ guys before, of course I can deal." But it was a lie. Not to them, but to myself. So I would ease away. The more distance I created between us, the easier it was to find other reasons why we wouldn't work.

So when my new boyfriend failed to return my phone calls or texts last Saturday, standing me up for our "holding me all night" date, I got the message. 

Perhaps in the deepest part of myself, I feel I deserve to be rejected because I am a dirty.

There I've said it, even though it might be unhealthy for me to think these thoughts. And though tears are blinding me even now as I type, I have to face this ugliness and ask myself; how am I to come to grips with this and not let guilt and shame set the tone of my future?

So instead of being miserably home alone on a Saturday night, I went out with my friends to laugh away my heavies.  Re-discovering that enjoyment of life lies in our own perceptions.

The next morning I woke up feeling empowered. I wasn't going to let this guy creep away as I had done so often without at least an acknowledged goodbye or an apology for standing me up. So I text him again:

"Listen, I'm going to keep bugging you until you call back and prove to me that you are the honest, upfront, smart and caring guy I thought you were. Please don't ignore me."

He called a few minutes later and started yelling at me, "It's all about you, you, you isn't it? I was with my mother in the country all day out of cell range and got back to your text messages that made me so upset I didn't feel like calling."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry, as I'm sure you didn't mean to make me angry when you STOOD ME UP FOR OUR DATE."

"What makes you think it was a date? I thought we were just going to be two friends hanging out."

This was bullshit and we both knew it. He was looking for reasons to make me wrong. His loving and supportive text messages promising we could "get through this together" and "I'll be your heater all night, and we'll make oatmeal for breakfast" were not coming from a platonic friends perspective. They were coming from a new boyfriend who was just now getting his head around our changed situation and trying to opt out in a cowardly way. I didn't bother to point this out.

Rather than let it turn nasty, I softened my tone of voice and said, "Even if we were to 'hang out as friends' the fact I didn't hear from you pissed me off. I'm not usually a needy person but finding out I am HIV positive a week ago deserves at least one night of wallowing in self-pity in the arms of the man who offered. So regardless of our relationship status, you stood me up and I deserve an apology." 

There was a long pause over the phone until he said, "You're right, I'm sorry. I should have called, but you said…"

"Whoa stop right there. All I needed was to hear you say those words. I'm sorry too for upsetting you, and for the fear you must be going through having to get tested again next week, and in three months, it sucks. Now we're settled. I can put the puzzle pieces together and not have to wonder what you were thinking for the rest of my life." 

He started to speak but I stopped him saying, "It's really okay, there's nothing more to be said. I'm happy now, and I hope you will be too. If you even need to talk, I'll be here to listen." 

Now that he's gone a great weight has been lifted. The weight that he might have tried to stay with me out of pity, or obligation, or fear he was infected and might as well string me along until he found out. In reality, he doesn't want an HIV positive boyfriend, and now I'm not sure I want a negative one. At least I don't feel victimized because a guy walked away from me for being POZ. 

This way we both get to opt out with our integrity and respect intact.

* You heard my story, let's hear yours. If you've experienced opting out because of HIV on either side of the coin, we'd like to know about it.

Comments

[Howard]

I just faced the opposite situation. I'm neg, and had a few dates with a wonderful poz guy. He ultimately decided that it was too uncomfortable for him to have sex with a neg b/f, afraid of accidently sero-converting me.

[Will]

Been through such situations during my last 6 years of being HIV-pozitive...

Never kept this as a secret from anyone trying to date me, from the very beginning - just to let people chose if they could pursue it any further or not. Some opted to, some opted not.

The ones who opted not to, left some scars on my heart, for sure. They did chose various ways to disappear - either from gettng into saying a lot of bullshit like supportive things, like honestly saying no, like simply disappearing...A few recent ones even tried quite a nice way of getting rid of me - imposing a sort of abuse on me, really treating me like shit, right after saying sweetest love words before i had risked telling I was poz. Sucks...

The ones who stayed were either poz themselves (well, just one, actually) or finally used my status as a pretentious reason to get rid of me later saying that after quite some time they still couldn't cope with it... Some more scars....

I now clearly know what it's all about - HIV just leaves scars on your heart, more than any other dicease does...And these scars wll never go away...

And when get rid of a person after I feel he's trying to start dating me, instead of befriending me - it's all because of that, these scars - simply can't bear another one now...Maybe, later I'll feel like a part of my heart is open again, and I'll have a stupid hope it'll not be hit this time again and again...But over and over, there'll most probably be just another scar, that's it....

Weird, right? Well, I hate days like today - St.Valentine's alone and in fear some friend would text me some Valentine's crap..That's why my cell is off...

And I don't remember how is to be held all night through, I've just learnt to sleep alone and get all my fears and loneliness away...In fact, I'm strong enough for anything now, just not another scar today...

I dream, still dream, I often dream, but now I know that most probably my dreams will never come true...

[Adam Bonner]

Gosh (I'm terribly English) - I'm torn between feeling slightly heartbroken by the above, and also relieved at seeing that there are genuinely nice, intelligent guys out there who just so happen to have hiv.

I was diagnosed about five years ago and, whilst deal with it pretty well, do tend to find that I watch life from the sidelines somewhat.

It's great to hear that you guys are out there - you go and get that dream!

[Jason]

You know, I remember growing up hearing this pastor saying gays should not call themselves gay since they are some of the saddest people on the face of the planet.

I grew up and realized I was attracted to men. I started out feeling optimistic I would find someone and also made great gay friends. Unfortunately, reading stories like this one and hearing some of the same stories from others -- not to mention the date rapes, racial intolerance, drug abuse, etc... I've now reached the conclusion that the pastor was right.

[Anthony]

WOW...Its very nice to know that Im not alone in my feelings. I have felt the same way. Scared. I have known about my status since 2001 and I am now 32.
It has gotten to a point that if I am attracted to someone...I first introduce myself..then I ask thier status. If it happens to be neg...I simply say, "oh, I just wanted to tell you I think you are attractive." Then I walk away the way I came. There are also times when guys come up to talk with me that the very first question I ask after they introduce themselves is about thier status. When I hear negative...its almost like that wall goes up so high and thick that you cant blast your way through it. I guess in a sense I use reverse discrimination. But It keeps me feeling safe and away from more pain that looking for love sometimes brings. From all that I have experienced after being poz...I do not want a NEG partner. It just brings so many complications to a relationship. Too many worries about infecting them, etc. I have passed up many a good men due to them being NEG. They pursued and I turned and walked away. When I'm online and a man messages me, I automatically look at his profile and if it says NEG...I dont even respond. I feel it is a waste of my time and his.
I am living my life for me now. They (neg) don't seem to take into account my feelings so I don't take into account thiers. Its a sad state to be in.

[Charles]

It's been said many times, for many years...What goes around, comes around. I think that sums it up.

[zarxo]

The anguish of being HIV, the viral of reverse transcriptase that brings the disease of many symptoms that gives us AIDS. In spite of this, many do not get HIV from accidents, but only from personal neglect.

When we think of anguish, we can switch the tables and consider those who accept celibacy as a state of mind and a way of life. Isn't it interesting that one state presupposes the abandonment of the other state?

It makes me angered to see those who play this game as if the other game is so much easier.

Try eight years of singleness and two years without anal sex. It is a tough choice, but then what are the alternatives? --and oh, "I do not wear condoms (allergies) so maybe that is why my winters are so long." :)

The is a price to pay, either you pay it now or one will pay it later. I think NOW sounds and seems so much better.

Additionaly, I have tried to be open-minded to converse with those with HIV to possibly date. However, I find it odd for someone to be defensive about how they got HIV. It is your life now, and "you cannot talk about it." So, when does growing up happen?

[Jay]

I've been poz for 2.5years now and can relate to all the other posts, from both sides of the coin. It doesnt change the fact that once you become poz, your own gay community shuns you. Ohhhhhh they CONTINUE to bareback and some even advertise that its all that they do. They refuse to get tested "because i'd rather not know." All these things they do, but 95% of guys won't even DATE a poz guy. Makes ya wonder where the humanity is in that. Regardless, I've come to terms with it and leave people be where they're at, no matter how hypocritical they may be. Very few guys have the heart to date a poz guy. Cut and dry, short and sweet, to the point. It really renews one's faith in the "family" atmosphere of the gay community LMAO.

[Rick]

In 1995-1996 I dated a wonderful person and when we started neither one of us knew his status. We also had unprotected sex a couple of times. A couple of months later he was arrested for a DUI and tested Positive for HIV in Miami, Florida. We continued dating until April 1996 and I got tested and results were HIV-Negative. My parents did not approve of him, not because he was Positive, although for other reasons. My Mom at that time did not know the whole story since we aparted from each other for a little while. I spoke to my Mom about it very openly when we broke up and she asked me never to date anyone that is Positive for her own motherly love. The reason is my father passed away from AIDS in 1991 and she was scared of losing me the same way. Until this day I have never dated anyone that is Positive, although I have never turned my back on anyone that is Positive. We are human beings in first place and we as a society need to care for everyone as if we were one. Less than a month ago I met Francisco (lives in San Fernando Valley) at The Abbey, we spoke very openly and when he told me this it felt like a knife through my heart. Everything was matching: Horoscope signs, What we were looking for, Sexual positions, Wants, Needs, Dreams, and etc...then the big news happen (He said - I am Positive). I was upfront and honest, he understood. I tried to keep it going as a friendship, although I gave up since he did not reciprocate the phone calls and texts for fear of getting hurt (in my opinion). I still have his number and right now I am going to text him (Happy Cupid Day 2k9) to see what he says!

[Auryn]

I was diagnosed a little over a year ago. I took it rather hard. It felt like my life had shattered and the humiliation of telling recent partners and family and friends took its toll. I was numb for almost a year after that.

Dating has sucked. Not only for the fact that I often have to relive that fateful day over again, but I have to open up a part of myself that usually stays hidden to someone I barely know. I'm always honest about it. I usually wait for the third date before anything is mentioned. Mainly because I have to know if this guy is worth it.

But I think the worst part about it all is the realization of a fear. I've always been affraid of ending up alone. And that fear has never been greater. I just might.

But I'm not going to end this on a sad note. With all the horrible nasties that come with a POZ status, it really has forced me to reevaluate who I am and what I do, the relationships I have with people and who I want to be when my time comes. I've made a bucket list and I plan to fullfill everything on there. I've never felt closer to my family and friends nor have I fought harder for the things I beleive in.

[Your_Fear]

So you had to be poz to understand?

So empathy is something nobody gets until they experience it in the flesh... Sad the most, isn't? You keep saying you did the same thing to other poz guys and I wonder what did you feel by then? Why should you ask now for something you never give them? Being poz or not doesn't change a person the same it doesn't change who you love, sleep with or what religion you hold nor the color of your skin, actions speak louder than anything and words without coherent actions behind them means nothing.

I hope that you learned something from this situation and will make you wish to become a better man.

Regards,
Marco.

PS BTW I am negative but that doesn't mean I can't value a human being for what he is.

[Mike]

I have been pos for 19 years (test date), and probably longer; 23 years. It is funny because becoming pos is probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I became focused in life. I am 49 yo and just finished my Masters in Business. I have worked for the same employer for 28 years. I have been a volunteer firefighter for 19 years and an American Red Cross Instructor for 10 years. I am also very active in liberal politics and a county chairman. I am also an advocate/volunteer for homeless efforts. My point being, just because you have hiv does not mean your life has ended. Before I became pos, I dated a guy who was pos and I remained neg. I dated a guy who thought he was neg and I became pos. I always tell a guy my status on the first date and even in this closed minded southern (bible belt) area, responses are mixed. I am currently dating a college guy. Unfortunately, we will not last but it is not because of my status but because he is not a fellow romantic. Happy Valentines Day Guys... a romantics favorite holiday.Dont give up!

[faidros]

Who do so many try to invest so much time in an individual before they feel they can state they are positive. So many times I read, I wait until the 2nd or 3rd or x date? Then you wonder why the person shyed away? Be honest up front, day one or date one. That way, if the person has issues, it can be found out sooner and lessen your pain and suffering. I would have trust issues with a guy that decided to wait after so many dates - even when sex had not been involved. Save yourself the hassle and be up front. If they shun you because of it, so be it, you were better off. I myself am negative, I have not shyed away from positive individuals who were up front about it and in fact, my last relationship of 4 years with with a positive individual. The previous one tho, who waited three weeks to tell me, after numerous dates some which included protected sex, well, it related to the fact that he waited so long that I could deal with the positive it was the trust I no longer felt. Also, if you are up front about it, it would certainly stop the the behind the back talking. Believe me, if you have a mutual friend who happens to know, they often times can't wait to spill the beans. So many times, you see a looker out and about and you'll hear "he's positive". My response is generally "AND?"

[Gary]

i'm not poz and i still get rejected! Been told to ugly to date or have sex

this is too much of a boo hoo article

[Lee]

I have been poz for over 20 years now. Initially, I was so afraid to tell guys I might date, that I was poz, that I totally shied away from having any sex with anybody.

One evening, while walking, I met this guy who, I later found out, tricked with my late lover. While we were chatting (none sexual chatting), he made the comment that his lover died of Aids and he knew mine had as well. He then came out and told me that he had tricked with my lover when I was still with him and he always wanted to "play with me". He thought my lover would ask him to have a 3 way (his way of getting to me through my, then lover). He then asked me if I was poz, and I told him yes. He, on the other hand said he was still neg.

We exchanged telephone numbers and he said he just wanted to be friends. One day he called me from his office (he was a dentist with a large hiv practice). He said he wanted to have a date. I later found out it was just going to be a "fuck date". I said to myself, "what the hell, it has been a long time, at least he knows I am poz and his lover died of aids, so I have nothing to fear". Boy was I wrong.

He came over my apt. and we had the best sex I had in a long time (hell it was a long time since I had sex). He then told me he really had fun and he would like to do it again. I then asked if he would like to go on a real date. His next comment really blew me away. He told me he didn't want to get serious because he didn't want to get emotionally involved, after all he lost one lover to aids.

I was in shock. I suddenly felt like "damaged goods". I told him to give me a call to set something up. In reality, I didn't want to tell him off, but I also knew it was the "escape clause" he was looking for.

From that point on, I promised myself I would never date a negative guy ever again. I would never put myself into that position to be treated like "damaged goods" I felt, and still do feel, that no matter what a negative guy says, he can never know what a poz guy goes through mentally and physically (i.e neuropathy, side affects from meds and everything that goes with being poz) especially for someone who has been poz for as long as I have.

As I talk/chat with other poz guys and have heard their horror stories I realized it wouldn't work for me. I Know that there are many guys who have neg lovers/bfs, but the chances that they work out are almost slim to none.

For me, and many other poz guys, dating guys who are poz is the only way to go!

[oldkingtroll]

Interesting set of articles since it lays out our fears of an illness that, in the general public's mind, marks us.

I wonder at the reasons people give: "I do not want to lose another friend and lover." But, when couples split up, isn't that what happens? Besides, if a couple live long enough, eventually one of them WILL lose the other.

"I don't want to risk getting infected." Then non-smokers should not date smokers for fear of second hand smoke? [I am asthmatic, so non-smoking is sort of non-negotiable for me, but that is a different story.]

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life managing an illness." and on and on and on

I do not want to belittle or trivialize the deep emotions on all sides of these statements (or their close relatives). But I do think that the possibility of being a member of a discordant pair forces us to face things that simply make us uncomfortable and squirm in fear.

Like one of the other posters, I have also been left - literally - by someone who, on our walking out of a bar after spending a couple of hours chatting, says to me "I have to go tell my friends that I am leaving. Be right back...." And of course, they are not. So, this sort of thing happens for reasons other than discordancy.

At the end of the day, I do wonder, is there such a thing as a rational response to this? ....or even one that is kind and humane but allows us each to deal with our fears?

[CJ]

I am a negative man, and the man I am pursuing is positive. Starting a few months ago, his prerogative was that we couldn't be more than friends, because of the disparity in our status, as well as age disparity. Both of us decided when we began walking down this road that we would face our relationship day by day, and not put any labels on it.

I have wanted him to see that I make no distinction between positive and negative, or between our ages. We are simply two men, and I am interested in the person that he is, not his status or age.

Taking things day by day makes it easier for myself as well - though for different reasons. The slower pace of this mutual courtship is allowing me to learn new things about myself and this man.

I just want all of the positive men in the community know that I cannot be the only person who sees only your hearts, and pays little mind to your status.

[tyler]

Very interesting reading...I'm a bit shocked needless to say. Been poz for 25 yrs +/-. Healthy as a bear.
HIV made me break paradigms...lots of them. The only biggy is meeting a guy that I'm compatible with.
HIV wasn't the bigger problem for me. It was finding someone that had the same standards as myself.
Been single 8 1/2 yrs now and I'm actually very content with it.
I'm a stocky/chub type of guy so that won't go far with the fags. I am not narsiccistic. My ego has been kicked in the ass and sent to hell...and the only thing left was something weird.....peace.
Done was the "impressing" guys to show that I was good enough. Now I don't give a shit. I am good enough with myself. I respect myself. I love myself. Very hard lessons to learn.
HIV has been a spiritual journey. I've gone along with it like a nice boy. But there have been those times I went kicking, screaming and rebelling. Of course I didn't really have a choice. The Higher Self was going to have his way regardless of what I thought.
I would like to give some info here.
Dating a man and getting into a relationship with him is not the most important thing here. It's having a relationship with yourself.
And that scared the crap out of me for most of my life. I'm in my 40's and they are fabulous! And over the past few yrs I am happy with me...and let me tell you...it is an incredible feeling. I don't need a man to complete me. I am complete now as I am.
Big hugs to all of you. And esp to those who are newly diagnosed. This is not a death sentence. And do not let anyone tell you anything different. Make good judgements about your health. Smoking. Alcohol. Drugs. Crack cocaine for instance makes HIV reproduce 20X faster. Crystal Methe is absolute suicide for HIV POZ people. Be smart. Be wise. Study and learn everything you can about good health. Another big benefit for me was hypnotherapy. Lots of it. And go to a qualified, certified person who lives with integrity.
Peace and Blessings all!!!

[Lonny LeFever]

I guess it is like, when you realize just how superfical guy's are in the Gay community.
I have lived with this Virus for 28 years now and I am tried of having to be the one who is responcible for every one else feelings.
I don't hide my Status and if that makes other encomfortable, then so be. I didn't start out and plan on becoming infected no more than many of my friends who have now left me.
There is no reason for me to be still reading about people becoming infected with all the information out here.
Try buring all your friends you have ever made since the day you first came out. Then starting over again only to bury the people who should never have had to be infected.
We all know how to keep from becoming infected and 30 years into the Pandemic it is hard to have compassion for those who choose to wisk their lives, just for a quick bare back ride.

Sad in Ohio

[Andre]

I am neg, but I dont have an issue with dating or falling in love with a positive. We are all human and all need and want love.

[Telemachos]

Todd,

I found out three years ago that I had HIV. I understand what you are going through and I hope things get better; I suspect they will. Yes, you will meet a lot of men who will be afraid of you because you have HIV. But in this article and the last one you come across as someone who led a rather sheltered and pampered existence before your recent bad news. It is also hard to tell how much is honest reportage and how much is literary embellishment--blinded by tears as I write this, Ketel one with a twist--a lot of it sounds like a posture. What we need to do now is start to get rid of a lot of this melodrama. This is the reason young guys who find out they have HIV cry and sometimes worse, and negative guys (like yourself until recently) run away from poz guys as if they had the plague. We ourselves are treating it as if it were! So how about from now on writing about how a mature and level-headed guy goes on having a decent life? Something that would give hope to poz guys and show neg guys that it indeed is not so bad?

[Mark]

I've been Poz for 17 years, I went throught this over a decade ago, tryingto tell guys after the 2nd date, rejected, trying to tell guys on the 1st date and then them just sitting there not knowing what to say and saying nothing, then telling them even before a date sex or anything else, that still was rejection, so after determining that all the demoralization hasn't and isn't worth it, I only date other Poz guys and only if I know in advance that they are (only internet dates where I can confirmit first) then I'll consider dating someone. For me however you want to percieve it and cast your votes, my personal decision was it wasn't worth the demoralization factor to attempt to date Neg guys, so if that means being single for the rest of my life, it's much less harmful and far more tolerable that way........

[Raef]

I met my partner almost three years ago: a week before Folsom in SF.

We met at a cafe, and both were not in the mindset of looking for anyone. He had just been stood-up from a blind date and I was a little jet lagged (and tipsy) from a flight.

I worked in the Castro, and he was new to the area. I drew him a map of the streets and the bars. After a conversation lasting 2 hours, he had to get back to Berkeley for school the next day. We walked to the MUNI station, and had a movie moment. I remember thinking to myself as he walked away, "I am going to see that man again."

That Thursday, I called him and we decided to meet on Saturday (the day before Folsom).

We ended up at Mr. S Leather, and became involved in a scene lasting three hours. Needless to say I was tied up, and one of the staff members was playing. When the staff walked away, B was on guard protecting me from the looky loos.

I really felt safe, for the first time, and knew I could trust him.

After that we went to my apartment building, and had to use the tunnel underneath to get the the door to my apt. We stopped half way through and being the twenty-somethings we are, started making out. He paused as I was going south, and brought me back up to his face.

There were tears in his eyes, and I did not understand why. He said that there was something he needed to tell me. When he uttered the words, "I am positive, and I don't know how you are going to handle it." I remember taking his head in my hands, and finding his lips with mine. We kissed for what seemed like minutes. When we finally ended, I said to him, "In short, I am okay with it."

Tears streamed forth from him and we held each other.

For someone to be that honest and want to protect someone they love is the most humbling experience.

We are still together, and I am still negative. We play safe, and know our limits. Life is not without its difficulties, but we make it work, because we protect each other.

I can see past the HIV and see the person underneath, and that is who I love.

[Brian]

Gentlemen,
I just wanted to tell you all that I have been in a very loving 17 year "mixed marriage". The night we met me, he told my right away. I said "how do I know that you are not the love of my life? If I let your status get on the way then even though I am negative I'll be totally at the effect of HIV. And I don;t want to live that way. I was an AIDS educator at the time so I was not uninformed. I am not saying there were not challenges that had to be worked through and one near death experience but I am so lucky to be with the caring compassionate wise and loving man. We have been together long enough to see how we have positively affected one another's lives. How fortunate for both of us that neither one of us let HIV get in the way of what did turn out to be the love of my life!

[From the City of Crosses]

I have always had a special place for people who have had to deal with his in my heart. My first love and the love of my life, is positive. When he told me I just hugged him. His status did not matter to me because I love him so much. Unfortunately our relationship ended, not because of his status, but because other things. I really wish that everything would have been different, I love him even now (3 years later). I just hope he does not fall into arms of someone who will hurt him. I have no problem in dating someone who is positive.

[JustAReader]

The author of this little tantrum is spoiled child in a man's body. He's pushy, demanding, self-centered, immature, and sanctimonious.

He talks about truth and lies, but he's only known this guy for two "dates." What's he expect from a near total stranger?

And the guy was wrong for telling him all that shit about "I'll be there." Maybe he shouldn't have said that. Welcome to secular America, where people use their body to express a kind of closeness that isn't there. It's a lie.

But back to this whiny kid with AIDS. If I had bad news, I would not want to go through it with someone who's a virtual stranger. Why's he want support from this virtual stranger? Where are his real friends and family? Did this guy with HIV even know the guy's last name? Where he went to college? How many brothers and sisters he has? Yet he expects this stranger to be his rock? This guy is needy and is probably a bottomless pit of wants and crises.

The average gay guy is like a spoiled, immature teenage girl, and this guy is exhibit A.

[Brian]

first of all the guy does not have AIDS you idiot. He is HIV Positive. Second of all when someone hands you news like that you deal as best you can. Third I hope you find someone at least as compassionate as you when you are faced with a crises. And if you much thanks for condemning the "average gay guy" . I can tell that you are way above average- caring, compassionate, with a good heart ready to volunteer and contribute to your community (gay or not). And and not the least bit whiny even though you bitched through your entire post. Hand over your gay card. We are kicking you out! Oh and lord help you is you have or get HIV and you meet someone like you.

[xerjvilla]

Man! I agree with you when you said this;

"I wasn't going to let this guy creep away as I had done so often without at least an acknowledged goodbye ".

I believed that The True and Most Painful Goodbyes are the Ones that are not Said and Never Explained.

Man if you are just near me I would love to take care of you even if your Poz....

[sirald66]

-this 'blogger' doesn't exist
-this story reads like a press release

[cha]

I am with a poz guy, and still with him after been together a year. Honestly it does not matter to me I love him with all my heart and will never think twice we are safe and smart, and even if i did test postive i would still love him the same and never think about leaving him. I would not trade my life with this wonderful man for anything, guess there are still people out there who will still be with people who are pos

[Mark]

I've never met anyone in real life that was positive or at least have never known they were positive. This is a hard subject. For me, the issue would not be the HIV but of confronting mortality, and that is frightening; because it could have been me. I participated in risky activities, and while I've never taken poppers or drugs other than marijuana, been a club slut or participated in an orgy...all it takes is one raw encounter with someone who is positive (and I've been bareback with perhaps 6-10 men.) Statistically speaking the risk for each incident is small, but it is still present.

Which, perhaps, that is one of the many reasons I am standing back right now. Interestingly, it also makes me wonder how many of us actually do have some sort of successful immune response to HIV but there is no way of knowing because most don't get diagnosed. Such a shame. If I found out I had immunity, I'd be sending out pints of blood once or twice a month (and I would laughably faint from each pint withdrawn.)

Thank you all for sharing. I'll try to remember your thoughts and feelings should I ever actually meet a man that is HIV-positive. It could have been any of us.

[JT]

My experience is a bit unique. I'd been involved with a guy and had reason to be concerned. I was moving into a state that had no anonymous testing, so I went to the Center and had 'em draw blood. I came back dutifully to get the results, and the cold queen said "Your results are inconclusive." I asked what that meant. "That means that your ELISA came back positive, but your Western Blot is still negative...but you'll be positive when you test in 3 months. I know about these things."

If I had a name, I'd see that stupid bitch fired post-humorously. I trusted that statement, assumed I was Poz. I'd cared for and buried a few friends over the past decade, so I knew the drill. First small illnesses, or pneumonia, some recoveries, worsening condition, growing thin, wasting away, getting skeletal and to the point that everything is painful, and then finally the release... if dementia didn't get to you first.

By the time I researched the two tests and found out that the ELISA can be set off by the common cold, I was already living in Conservative Country. I knew a Poz public test would mean crosses burning on the lawn, people pointing and staring at the supermarket, etc., so I figured it didn't really matter. I've never been one to sleep around. I wasn't doing anything risky. Hell, I wasn't doing anything at all, so what difference did it make? I wasn't about to start on AZT before I absolutely needed to so, there was no point in getting tested anyway.

I holed up instead. Sure that I was going to come down with an opportunistic infection any day now, I wouldn't take trips or go on adventures, none of my usual life. I became cautious of casual contact with buddies when rough-housing. Every sniffle or head cold had me certain that this was the one that would land me in the hospital and signal the beginning of the end.

For years, I lived that way, existing, really... bringing all manner of entertainments to me (animals, pets, recording studio, etc.) to entertain myself, but the truth was, I had put aside truly living and was waiting to die.

About six, maybe seven years into it, I couldn't take it any more. I took a summer trip back to California, where they were offering oral tests. A quick swabb, and a "Come back in a week." Through the testing process, I told the guy what that nurse at the Center had told me, and how I'd been living in fear of the shoe falling. So when I came back, he was meticulous in confirming the test numbers. Then he said "Usually I go through a long lecture on safe sex but... you've been through enough. You're negative. Go on home."

Even now, I get emotional about that moment. If my feet touched the ground on the way out, I don't recall. All I knew was that, after all that time, AIDS wasn't going to be what killed me after all, and all those sniffles were just dust in the air.

I've since sold the place in Conservative Central, long since placed the animals and sold the studio gear. I still work on music from time to time. Since, I've gone on an extended sailing trip, visited Europe a few times, lived in Africa. Some might say that's risky behavior, too. For me, it's more of a calculated risk, and living fully.

Having had the experience, I know what it feels like to live with the fear that you're going to get sick and die any time now. I've seen how people shun those who are Poz. I'm not proud to say that, in the early 80's, I did a bit of it myself. So I got really lucky. I got to find out what it feels like to be Poz, or have Cancer or whatever like that, without having to deal with the reality myself.

A young man I knew from back then, who I was intimate with and care about, was diagnosed as Poz about 3 years ago. Suddenly, he's symptomatic. I wonder aloud "What the HELL were you thinking of?!" And I see so many Poz guys on here, younger guys...and think the same thing. When I first found I was Neg, I lied to myself, swore I'd never have sex with anyone again, at least til they found a cure. Yeah, that was a lie, getting carried away in the joy of the moment. I wasn't going to stop living to keep from getting infected. But that still doesn't mean you need to be stupid about it.

If you're negative, you've got fortune, but that could change. Rubbers break. Dung occurs. So be smart. Ask yourself "Am I willing to die to be with this person?" Even if you are, insist that he puts a glove on it. Put it on yourself, just to be sure. You don't have to make being Neg a life sentence either, just use some sense.

If you're Poz and have been sensible, it's no indictment against anything but our inability to cure a disease. I was around in the late 70's and early 80's, when the worst thing you could get from that very same activity was cured by a shot of penicillin. While I promote monogamy and romance, you're not being punished for the activity itself, and you're not "a dirty." You're a person who had a lapse of good judgment. You still deserve (and can have) loving intimate relations with people, both Poz and Neg.

BTW, just because you're both Poz doesn't mean you can go unprotected without consequence. You can still cross-infect each other with different strains, and cut your lifespans dramatically by doing so... so ALWAYS play safe, love safe... until there's a cure.

Like Springer says, be good to yourselves... and each other.

[Jay Allen]

You always hear the saying "The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants", well I was no exception. I had been seeing a guy off and on for quite a while, the very casual grab a meal here and there but always paying for my own. We would catch a movie but never buy tickets for each other. I finally told him I was taking him out, we had kissed before but nothing more, he reluctantly agreed. Of course I thought it was because of our 12 years of age difference, but I was wrong.

We spent the night at a nice local hot spot, then a indy-movie. We took a walk that night and started holding hands. Everything was great until we got back to his place. Se kissed on the porch and I said goodnight not expecting anything else, thats when he dropped it on me.

"Hey, I can't do this. I'm positive and I just can't do this with someone whose not."

Wow - that hurt was all i could think as he turned and walked inside without another word. I think i stood on the front porch for like 10 minutes without moving. We had made plans for the following evening not even an hour ago and now he locked himself inside and away from me. I finally turned and walked away totally crushed.

It took me a week to finally get enough nerve up to call him. I dialed the number and listened to it ring. He finally answered, but refused to say anything - we sat on the line without either of us saying a word for a while. I finally broke the silence when I told him I needed to see him, and I was coming over unless he could give me a reason why not other then his status.

He couldn't so I went.

I made it there but that porch was nothing but rejection. He met me outside but refused to let me in the house. We talked for a while and I tried not to yell. I wanted to yell cause not only had he shut me out, but he had evidently known for 4 years about his status and only told me a week ago. I tried to convince him to take it slow with me; we could see where it went, but he had made up his mind I was not going to be the one for him. Feeling hurt and rejected I left again - and swore I would never go back to see him again.

Its been 3 years and I wish I would have never stopped trying. I spent the first year being mad anytime I saw him or thought about him. But, now I have grown up and know he had his reasons, he might have even known me better then I did. Then I just wanted to fix him for me, now I want to just be there for him.

[Dave in Seattle area]

Please tell the author that there are HIV Neg guys out here who don't care about the HIV status of the person we love. My partner never hid it from me and I could care less about his status. If it were not for a seizure taking him from me we would still be together and I would still love him both physically and emotionally. It's been 5 years since he passed and I'm still negative. Proof positive that love can overcome any obstacle and safe sex really does work. Peace.

[colin]

It disheartens me that the guys on this community are so uneducated. I am neg, dated 2 poz guys in LONG term. And i'm still negative. We took the APROPRIATE precautions and that was over 10 years ago since my last poz relationship. I can't believe that the community we have become has evolved into one of exclusion and bigotry when our foundation is based on inclusion. Education is lacking in this aspect and until we grow and ACCEPT each other, we are as dumb and repressed as our predecessor from the early 80's. It has come down to ignorance guys...be safe, have fun and protect yourself, and LOVE knows now boundaries.

[Mike]

I understand how people who have HIV are affected. It sucks when you find out that someone who you love and care about is positive.

When I was younger, I was afraid to talk to HIV positive guys, because just by talking to them, I thought I would get the disease. I was so naive back then.

I met a guy in 2005 and really clicked with this person. We hung out for an entire week together. We slept together and just kissed and cuddled. He told me three days later that he was positive. It didn't bother me, but it hit me later when I went home.

I was afraid because I didn't know what to do. He was a great guy, really cute and fun to be around. I confided in a friend and he told me do what you think is right.

To this day, I still hang out with my friend and talk to him. Being positive shouldn't make someone feel less of a human being. People do make mistakes in life, but they shouldn't be punished for the rest of their lives by being unhappy and miserable. If you truly love someone regardless of their status, just be careful and get tested.

Love yourself for who you are.If people can not accept you for who you are, then forget about them. I talk to a lot of poz guys now and love hanging out with them.

[Mark Nilsson]

I don't tell anyone I'm positive and I shouldn't have to. I need to get laid!

[Laun]

There are alot of people out there who have various conditions not just HIV+ or -. Don't alienate others because of their conditions, life is too short. There are alot of other activities besides sex in life. Don't short change yourself or others social times. Don't get me wrong sex is a very important part of any close relationship, but it still should not be what divides people. People who care about their partners will take necessary precautions--that is a trust and cooperative effort between two people, stay loyal and true. Love and accept others for their faults, nobody is perfect. LOVE is worth the effort.

[vans1977]

This worst part of this article is the author's complete lack of self-awareness, holding someone other than himself responsible for his own feelings and using manipulation and passive aggression in order to maintain a sense of control.

this article sounds like it's out of a psychological case study for borderline personality disorder.

the author appears to have trouble recognizing personal boundaries. as long as he continues to try and find self-worth and validation outside of himself, he will continually set himself up for feelings of powerlessness and victimization.

you only have control over you.

[Jason - jmejst on gay.com]

I have had this happen so many times in the last 5 years. I'm only 25, this should be my dating PRIME! I have been lucky and was with a guy (neg) for 2 of the last 5 years, but before and after him - I've been "the rule" and not "the exception." I try my hardest to understand. I tell myself that I should be happy that they are trying to be safe and protect themself, but really - it hurts. I am still ME - poz or not poz. I figure, it is ultimately their loss. I'm a catch, and hopefully someday some great guy will finally see THAT part of me.

[dustybird96]

I have been HIV+ for 16 years myself, and reading this article and comments just made me want to cry. Both because I feel for those who have had to deal with rejection because of their status, (dealt with that myself) and the compassion offered by some who have moved passed the superficiality of it. I commend you! Personally, I get asked quite often by Neg individuals, if I will "seed" them. What is it with these guys? How can they not know what they are asking for? When I ask them why, they respond I don't want to have to worry about it anymore. If they only knew. How can we get the message across to them that this is both illegal in some states (if not all) and that the effect it would have on our conscience would be unbearable. (Except for those without one.) For myself, I find it difficult to comfortably date negitive guys. I could not forgive myself if for some reason I was to infect them.
I want to thank all of those who posted comments on this subject. I found it to be quite a good read.

[Jess]

As I sit here reading some of the comments, I notice that a lot of the people who responded are also HIV +. Coming from a HIV - person, I'm saddened by this story. But it made me realize that maybe I too have been unforgiving and relentless when I have come across someone who took all their courage to admit their status to me. I have made peace with the two guys, and we have strong friendships, but someone hurt me, by not admitting he was positive, until we were in an argument. The story just brought it home that we're all affected in some way by HIV and maybe myself as an individual should learn a little more compassion and mean what I say when I'm going to be there for those that need me. Like someone else said, karma is a bitch... I'm not ready for that wrath!

[Person who knows]

I can't tell you how many times I've gone through the same scene's. Think of being poz for 20 years showing no signs of sickness just side effects from medications. Doctors telling you that I couldn't infect someone if I tried so its OK for me to start a family if I wanted one. No matter how healthy you are once you're labled you're history. In 20 years Not one person I've been with has ever been turned poz and if so it wasn't by me. I learned the hard way that being Poz or Neg doesn't make any differnce you're all cowards.

[Person who knows]

Poz Cowards are the ones trying to find out the severity of your status and are always a top. A Neg coward relies on someone to being honest. You're the worst kind you Bareback an entire city living ignorantly bliss spreading worse strains of virus that are even more difficult to test for. I have a lot of friends that are Neg Cowards showing symptoms of advance stages of Aids getting sicker by the min and still not show Poz on a test. It don't matter what your status is what matters is how you handle it and .05% are smart enough to do the right thing.

[SeattleItali]

This is way to SAPPY SAD. The truth of the matter is that gay men do not do well with friendship and love. It is a mentallity that says you have to have sexy with me to be my friend or to love me. Most of go through life alone it is less cumbersome than being responsible for some one else and facing discrimination of society or the humiliation of relying on another if my employer decided to discriminate against me or push me out with out even saying a word. Love those around you and find that there are many ways to love not just my dick in your ass.
When I first went online and did not announce my status I had hundreds of emails from POS guys wanting a date and when I disclosed that I was HIV negative they dropped....why MOST OF THEM DO NOT WANT TO USE A CONDOM. Wake up guys!!!!! I use protection even with other HIV neg guys. Discrimination comes in all forms...get over it or confront it but do not whine about it!

[Nathan]

I'm not sure if I'm 'allowed' to post in this. I'm neg, and I've never asked about past boyfriend's status. I don't see where it matters all that much. I mean, ok, yes, they could inadvertently infect you, but, if you have a real, honest connection with someone, should that sway your decision? It's never come down to a point where I had to know their HIV status, so, I never asked. Besides, I'm sure that, if someone loves another person, they would take the steps to protect them.

[Life]

Life's not fair, is it?

Maybe he didn't call back because you're poz or maybe it's because you gave him a needy vibe or a sad vibe. Maybe maybe maybe. You could drive yourself nuts.

Move on to the next guy. If he stops calling back, move on to the next one after that.

Think it gets old after a while? Well, it never gets easier until you find the one. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

I know, you're all smart queers and already know this, but it had to be said.

[Robert]

Very poignant. I remember taking my Partner to the hospital in Jan of 90... I had no idea it was for the last time... HIV and AIDS isn't what it was 20 years ago. I'm negative and have had the privilige of dating a couple of people since then that were HIV. I'm happy to say that they are all still alive and doing well.

It used to be, if you were diagnosed you were dead inside of 3 years. AZT was the only drug available and it had horrible side effects..

It sadens me to read that people discount each other because of something they have no control over. No one choses to be different from everyone else we just are.

Something for the POZ men... Fear is a very powerful force. Even more so when we buy into that fear and base our decisions on that fear. I can understand the fear of what "might" happen. But then a lot of things "might" happen. We are all adults and as long as we're making informed decisions aren't they ours to make... Together?

Turning someone away because they are or are not POZ is a waste... It's a waste of an opportunity to be connected to someone. And when it comes down to it, isn't that what we all seek? POZ and NEG alike?

Prior to meeting my Partner, who passed from complications of HIV/AIDS... I had watched our community shun and turn their backs on others in our community that were POZ... I swore to myself I would never do that....

Then I met Paul... I won't sit here tell you it was never a concern for me. I won't even tell you I was willing to date him... I will tell you that I stayed open to him being in my life. As a result he ended up being one of the most significant people in my life. He tought me compasion and grace.

Don't shut people out because of fear. It's a waste. Trust yourself enough to let someone else in.

For the NEG men... wake up. HIV is a part of our lives. It touches each of us in one way or another. Be smart, educate yourselves. HIV is scarey there is no denying that. But if you educate yourself you'll find that someone with a zero viral load in very unlikely to pass the virus if you are safe...

Just because two people are POZ doesn't mean the glove comes off either. There are many different strains of HIV, and you can contract multiple strains.

Turning and walking away from someone merely because of their HIV status... Is just a damn shame... Grow up, be a man! Understand, that the person that might stand before you who is HIV POS or HIV NEG, is just that. A person! They deserve the same respect you would give anyone else. and you just might find the love of your life....

Ya'll can have the soap box back now... I'm done.

Be kind to each other....

[Justmarkie]

It's karma.

[scott]

We have known for a generation now how to prevent HIV transmission. During the 90's it seemed that there were no new sero-conversions among my friends and acquaintances. Then something changed - suddenly men decided to start having unprotected anal sex. It saddens me to see so many make this knowing choice for a lifetime of social stigma and illness.