Permission to Be Yourself

Just because you do not fit the standard mold of a gay male, doesn't mean you need to change to try to cram yourself into a wrong fit. Isn't it time you give yourself permission to just be yourself?

When we think of a typical gay male, our mind takes us to all the stereotypical images we see from all the gay movies, magazines, websites, of a young, tall, handsome, male who never looks a day over 25. Almost all gay males spend all their time working to maintain this image or to achieve this look.

Of course this image doesn't represent the whole gay community. It doesn't even represent the majority, it represents the few who have the genes, the metabolism and the youth to keep it up. In time, we will all get older and we all have to face what life has given us.

I have tons of clients who struggle with this exact issue each day. I receive emails and questions from gay men stressing about their looks and fitting in. I figure it is time I share the solution which will save you all from all this work and allow you once and for all to put this topic to rest....STOP DOING IT!

Stop doing it? YES! Stop trying to fit in based on standards set by gay society and start being yourself! Wouldn't it be so much easier to accept yourself for who you are than to keep trying to fit into a mold that wasn't meant for you?

Here is where I usually share tips on how to put this into action but not this time. Instead I am going to share stories with you, my stories. Instead of talking about people in general, I am going to talk about myself and share with you my struggles and how I overcame them.

Age- I turned 30 this year. I really had no problems turning 30 because 25 was really harder than 30 for me. When I turned 25, I noticed for the first time I was no longer part of the young crowd in the gay scene and people pointed this out. Online profiles would state they only wanted to talk to people between the ages of 18 and 24. I was too old to audition for many of the reality shows I watched. Even older men would ask my age and when they found out I was 25, seem offended and walk away because I was TOO old to be talking to them. It was a wake up call that parts of the gay community worshiped the youth.

Hair- I am losing my hair. Yes, at 30 I am thinning. My granddad was bald, my father is bald and my brother is bald. There is no luck for me. It is in the genes. I did not notice I was losing my hair until others started pointing it out to me. Not my friends or family but dates, people online, or random people at a party. Their comments were not rude but were simply, "I do not know what I would do if I was thinning like you." or "I am lucky I will keep my hair unlike you."

I am also Italian so I may be losing the hair on my head but since the age of 18 I have had hair on my chest. Not a lot of hair but there is hair there. I remember going to a pool party where a guy commented about the hair on my chest and how he was lucky to have been born smooth. I didn't know why smooth was better but apparently it was because everyone there seemed to be born smooth by the way of shaving cream and a shaver in the morning shower.

Masculine- I would not call myself masculine. Even at 5 years old, you knew I was not like the other boys. I have always been myself and being tough or rugged wasn't on the list. I grew up being bullied in school and called a fag before I even knew my own sexuality. I was picked on because most of friends were female and I did not play sports. I dressed, cleaned and was part of the drama club. I was a target for every closeted football player and gym teacher in the school. I would cry myself to sleep some nights wishing I would just be normal like the other boys. Why couldn't I just be like all the rest.

Then I grew up. I am not talking about age but in life. Life teaches us tons of lessons and grow along the way. What I noticed was I was allowing others to judge me and allowing their comments to affect my own personal self image and thoughts on myself. I could spend tons of money, training, time, tears, anger, etc on trying to fit the mold they created or I could break the mold and just be myself.

Fitting into the mold may seem easy but you never will truly fit. There will always be something more or less you could do to fit it better and unfortunately, it will never be enough. Or you can finally accept yourself for who you and just be who you are. Doesn't that sound a lot easier?

There are three simple steps to support this process:

1. Permission - Give yourself the permission to be yourself. Stop judging yourself against others BUT on your own personal standards and goals. Be the person YOU want to be, not the person others think you should be. Ask yourself: What do I love about myself? What makes me happy? Who do I want to be? What motivates me? 
2. Support - Find people who love you for you. This is easier than you think. There already in your life so that is not the problem. The problem is letting go of all the people who don't need to be there. A lot of times what upsets our self image is the people we surround ourselves with. Take an inventory of your life and decide do you truly need these people in your life. It is not about quantity but about quality. Friends accept you for who you are because you accept them for who they are. Friends don't try to change you.
3. Happiness - This is the last step to keep in mind. When you are making choices in your life base them on your happiness. Don't be afraid to ask yourself, "Am I happy?" or "Will this make me happier?" I think you will amaze yourself on how much happier your life will be by making choices based on your personal happiness and not trying to fit in or please others.

I know one article is not going to change your life or solve this problem, but I hope it will move you in the right direction, make a difference and start you thinking.

I would love the conversation to continue. Please share your personal stories of acceptance of who you are and how you are breaking the mold in the comments below. Maybe we can already start to support each other in a positive way. :)

Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Wyatt1969again]

I agree.

and

Nice piece

and

nice smile...

Cuttie

[Lee]

I have a bunch of friends who I'm totally comfortable to be around with. I'm just like you, Michael. Been called fags a thousand times through elementary school. But as I entered high school, the names calling stopped, but people still judged.

I'm glad I have this bunch of friends I can be totally faggy with. They NEVER judge me, or point out something I do that's not masculine enough. I'm very sure I am happy when I'm around them.

On the other hand, people who I have just met, I take some time warm up, and usually after a while I'll start to show my "tenderness".

I find that, if initially, I present myself in a normal style (not too masculine or feminine), and then as time goes by, I show more and more of my gay side, people are very accepting of it. As compared to coming on totally gay at first, my way certainly works better, for me, at least.

Of course in the early stage, you will feel like you don't fit it, because you have to be careful with your mannerism, as not to appear faggy; but along the way, people on some level will have noticed a little gay side of you, and, notwithstanding that, as you have started to grow on them, at the end of the day they will be accepting of your gay side.

Lee from Malaysia

[Luin]

Fantastic post, very timely. Like yourself, I'm in my 30s, and have only now come to the realisation that I can be who I am, and people will respect that.

I had often fallen hard for guys who were the epitome of gay stereotypes - superficial, obssessed with image and diet, or shallow status queens who judged you on your profession/university degrees. And I wondered why I always felt so insecure around them!

By now shedding myself of these undesirables I'm heading toward a better place where I can be 100% myself with no pretence towards appeasing someone else's expecations.

[Vance]

Being 41 and also being told I look 30 means that there's something to be said for being devoted to health. Being healthy doesn't mean looking like you've been working out at a gym and being able to lift the back end of a bus and leap over small buildings, but rather being able to climb the stairs if the elevator isn't working - having a smile when people say the same drivel about the economy and the future.

They've manufactured the picture of doom to say for others so that they don't have the attention on their being unhealthy; so manufacture a plastic smile and the phrase "That's nice. Let's talk about something real - you don't have happiness if you don't have your health, why don't you want to work on that?"

Money isn't what makes people happy and friends often sharing a laugh will brighten anyone's day. (The laugh over something you niece, nephew, daughter, son, cousin or parent did because they were cute can be a very welcoming change of topic.)

Thanks - and you're right about the baldness image but there are others with receding hairlines that look VERY sexy anyway - The Rock in the ad "Race for Witch Mountain" (a Disney remake) is a good example of someone who doesn't have hair down to an inch above their eyebrows, but then again I think he's grown a LOT from the age of 17.

And they're right - good post and you're cute and nice smile.

[Ray aka aelurus1]

I've always had a who gives a fuck type attitude. I am going to be me whether I'm liked or not. Granted, being an old "twink" doesnt really hurt, but even when I was in the twink age, I'd talk to who ever I'd want to and not be pursuaded otherwise. Yes I have my days, when I'm hung up on the fact I'm not "young and wanted" But the fact I'm almost 40, and still being hit on doesnt escape me either. Oh and your right, 25 WAS much harder to deal with then 30. I was ok until a friend said "Happy quarter century" EEEK!!! lol
I guess it just boils down to.. JUST BE YOURSELF!

[muzyqman]

Right! Easy to say at 30. What about at 40, or 50, or even older? My take on this article for older gay men is: Give yourself permission to be yourself, find people who love you for you, and learn to ask yourself what choices contribute to your happiness. Then go find some good latex toys, because you'll rarely have sex with someone else in the room unless you hire it for the evening!

[lmdinbrstl]

You're in serious, serious, serious need of an editor. So many errors that I very nearly couldn't read what you've written.

Does this site even HAVE an editor?

[lmdinbrstl]

Wow, muzyqman. With that kind of attitude, you're right. You're not likely to have sex anytime soon.

[Bob]

>>Then go find some good latex toys, because you'll rarely have sex with someone else in the room unless you hire it for the evening!<<
Talk about painting with a single color. I'm almost 50 (48 as of last year), on the heavy side, I work out to maintain health, take stuff for my joints, not really into fashion (booooring), have chest hair, and hate it when folks call me masculine.
I also have sex (with or without latex toys - depends on the mood) with someone else (and even a couple of someone elses) in the room and I have not had to open my pocketbook once. I have it regular and often (of course we would all want it more often!!) and I don't have to wake up Junior with a little blue pill.
I have been "myself" for many a year now, and, like the author of this piece, I highly recommend it. Much happier, much more satisfied with relationships of all kinds, and I think it makes the air smell sweeter too.
So, go and try it - you'll be glad you did.

[Daniel]

I'm tired of the sweeping generalizations: "Almost all gay males spend all their time working to maintain this image or to achieve this look. "

Come on, dude. You're making assumptions based on your own experiences. This whole note is a bit uninformed and condescending. For every guy who spends that much time basking in wrinkle treatments, there are probably two more doing something that matters. It's not all about image, or the other people in your life, or simple choices that make you happy. Your life is a tabloid.

Life is about your own contribution. It's about using your talents to make a difference in someone else's life-- not just making yourself happy. I'm tired of the media supporting the general notion that gay people should be so self-concerned. Get involved in *living* and you'll realize that you'll have a lot less to be concerned about when you look in the mirror.

And yet, I don't fault you. I fault gay.com for featuring tabloid crap like this rather than talking about a gay teacher who makes a difference in children's lives, or a budding opera star, or a researcher who is tackling real challenges in medicine, or a high school student who's working to unite his or her classmates against oppression.

And let's talk about better editing: "There [sic] comments were not rude but were simply..."

Thanks, gay.com!

[BRIKK]

The basic premise of the article is wrong, or at least incomplete. There are at least 3 proscribed societal standards or stereotypes for gay man. Michael Moniz writes about the one imposed on gay men by the gay media and the gym bunny segment of our community. He then describes the stereotype effeminate, effete, bitch-queen homosexual Hollywood has promoted for decades. And, third, there is the stereotype swarthy, perhaps bear-like, pervert, lurking in dark places waiting to pounce and victimize children and society. This one seems to be promoted by fearful parents and "protective" law enforcement agencies.
Well, there are members of each group who are attracted to their own type and there are members of each group who are attracted to the other types. Let's not make assumptions about what is attractive or appealing. It is just a matter of preference and finding the right person. As my mother says, with a thick German accent," For every pot there is a lid."

[Ivan]

Thank you.

you are right...

sad sad sad world

[lmdinbrstl]

Bravo, Daniel! I'm in complete agreement!

[ArtistnSM]

Nice piece.

[The Devil of the Contra Code]

How fucking silly of me to remember that its the fucking rule to shun all things masculine and embrace the womanly things. That's a serious intrinsic problem in the group. Like its unnatural for a gay man to actually be...holy shit, like a man! Its ridiculous I actually have to say I'm a masculine man to get the point across. In this world, that should be redundant, but not in this vacuum. I'm telling you, homos are just the worst kinds of hypocrites.

[Erik]

What a great article and a very pleasant surprise to be reading it on Planetout.com. I've been dealing with this issue since the day I came out, about 8 yrs ago, I'm now 27. I always knew that I was different, not just different in being gay, but even different from other gays, or stereotypical gays. I consider myself an artist, or possibly even bohemian if you wish, which I more recently realized had it's own sector in the community as well, which I feel suits me 100%. I no longer feel the need to struggle to try and befriend other gays who do "fit" in with the other gays, nor even attempt to try and change myself just to be accepted since I was confused about who I was or where I belonged.

It's not at all about "fitting" in with the crowd you automatically assume you should belong to just because you were born gay, it's about surrounding yourself with those you feel a connection to and can understand each other on that level. By all means, if you do fit into that mainstream gay scene, then more power to you, it's you if that is you, but never ever sell your soul for the shallow appreciation of those who will only give a quick satisfaction that will only last just as long as a flash of light. Once you truly love yourself and accept your UNIQUE qualities and personality, you will shine and surround yourself with those who feel exactly the same way and will LOVE you as much as you love yourself for being exactly the way you are.

I should also recommend a very good book specifically related to this topic that I've read and greatly appreciated and related to, as well. The title is Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. It's an easy read but so helpful in understanding the whole gay identity crisis; grab it and sit and read it, you'll be greatful.

Just love yourself!

[The Devil of the Contra Code]

I enjoyed the irony in Lee's comment. I like how he talked about being called a fag in school but in the very next paragraph expressed his joy in being "faggy" with others. Hilarious. Why would you have even given a fuck if someone called you something you embraced anyway? I mean that sounds like a pot and kettle scenario to me.

[corrective_unconscious]

>"How fucking silly of me to remember that its the fucking rule to shun all things masculine and embrace the womanly things."

Naturally, the article said no such thing. It was more about being authentic whether that fits prescribed notions or not. However, from your post it would appear you have a pronounced fear of the feminine.

[mo]

his article is so hypocritical, there r many others in that very same website that show young tall handsome muscled guys entitled "isnt he yummy" or "we love it sooooo much"

[edde]

This article needs to be shared on some talk show forum for those who don't get info like this via gay.com. It could really help a lot of gay men who probably feel like me. At 50 I wonder if any guy can ever find any interest in me? A former friend once told me that once a gay man gets past 30 he might as well be 100 unless he's rich.

[Dave]

You can't be fat, though! That's a big no-no.

[Stephen]

You could not have written this at a better time for me to read. It's so true: guys need to realize that we're all different and that that's okay. I've been struggling a lot recently trying to act more masculine or to buff up... but when it all boils down, that's just not me! It's time for us all to really find who we are and be who we are on the inside!
Thanks, Michael, for this amazing article. (you could work on your grammar a little bit) ;)

[Stephen]

and just as an addition to what i wrote above - people are reading this article way wrong. what michael is saying is that it's okay not to be a "gym bunny, bitch-queen, or bear" but if you are then that's perfectly fine. it's not about putting down certain types of guys; it's about encouraging the types that aren't as glorified to shine in their own way. open your minds, guys.

[Ty]

haha i read ur article and it was very up lifting to see that there is someone out there that thinks like i do. let's just say it was refreshing to hear someone else realize that hey we aren't all abercrombie models. i do admit that being healthy is a good way to live life but on the downside, if u base ur selfworth on image, that's setting urself up for some major issues later in life with the onset of wrinkles and aging.
also, i think as a community we all need to focus on being less judgemental. live and let live. i see some have spent the time to give negative feedback on something as simple as an article. yeah i admit, an edit wouldn't hurt but the message is what should be taken to heart not typoes and grammatical errors.
and yeah just like the rest i totally checked out ur picture and thanks for giving me a piece of eye candy for the day.

[Gordon]

What a great article, worth forwarding to a friend. It brought back memories of my own childhood and school years. I have the same habit of trying to fit in. Tried to be part of the straight world for years and am just now trying to be part of the gay world in my late 30's so wrinkles and aging do concern me. Maybe reading this article won't make me so concerned with fitting in with stereotypical images. And Michael...u are a cutie.

[rick]

yawn

[rechlo from canada]

Right from the get-go, I must admit I am only 19; so I can't relate very well to the issues discussed in this article, but I enjoy reading online articles and the comments presented after wards as a break from reading about Boasian anthropology and the such. (I'm a university student)

But as a first comment, I liked the style of this article. Michael is a good writer, and those of you who judged it solely on spelling mistakes, are obviously the type of judgmental people that set the "gay stereotypes" for all of us other homosexuals.
Through school, I never saw myself as different from anyone. I knew I liked other guys, and never thought anything of it. I was never effeminate (when I came out to my mom, she was amazed, saying that I didn't "fit the mold"), but I never went out of my way to be overly masculine. If anything, I went out of my way to be overly effeminate to joke around with friends. I got called a fag many times, but by my friends, and I'd call them a fag right back. (actually a very useful tactic. Friends start calling you names, (specially straight guy ones) just call them a fag, stops em dead in their tracks. Its really entertaining.) But I digress.)

For myself, this article was a little too... (I hate too say it) Oxygen network. Haha, sorry. But I guess the general lesson from it is a very good one. If you can't accept you for YOU, then you certainly can't expect anyone else to accept you. My advice. Eat healthy and exercise for health (a healthy body is a happy body). And write in a journal. Let that be your psychologist. You can be as self centered as you want, and nobody judges. For me, there's no better way to set things straight in your head than writing it down. And I find, once I write it down, I forget about it and don't worry about it anymore.

So, coming from the worst self critic to my fellow self critics, just learn to be kind to yourself, without the self-centered attitude that can sometimes be born.

[rechlo from canada]

As a correction, I had said "through school I never saw myself as different from anyone." This would imply that I wasn't different, which would be an extremely grievous error in interpreting my comment. I of course was different from people, like everyone else is different from one another. But, I was just your run-of-the-mill guy. I didn't stand out, is what I was trying to say.

[James]

Well, this is a very funny post - if one wants the experience of being cruelly & miserably assaulted for aging or not fitting someone else's ideal of male beauty there's no better venue than a gay.com chat room ;).

[Wyatt1969again]

Wow...

LOL

[JD]

Finally...someone since Larry Kramer speaks some truth! Well put, personal experience a plus. Thank you for that awesome, honest article! Now if people will just believe it!
It is profoundly ironic that we claim to celebrate our diversity from a heterosexual society but frown upon difference in our own.
Maybe a change is coming....

[peru]

SE TU MISMO Y EXPRESA TODO LO QUE LLEVAS DENTRO, SOLO ASI UNO PUEDE SER FELIZ!!

[Tim]

This article will be a lot more convincing when gay.com chooses a Mr. Gay.Com who's over 40 and has love handles.

[The Devil of the Contra Code]

"Michael is a good writer, and those of you who judged it solely on spelling mistakes, are obviously the type of judgmental people that set the "gay stereotypes" for all of us other homosexuals."

This is probably one of the most erroneous things I've ever read. This is a professional website, at least it should be. There shouldn't be really terrible elementary mistakes like this. Its almost as if these people treat it as a blog, instead of writing articles. Especially as a 30 year old.

But as far as everything else you said, I agree. I call anyone a fag. And a nigger all the same. A great way to neutralize comments. But if people weren't so damn sensitive...

[Todd]

Indeed Tim! Nothing more schizo than gay.com. The intent of the article is all great. I think we all struggle with some of these issues, and I took plenty away from it. Being gay can be rough, and it's a good lesson to say that it would be a helluva lot easier if you could just be happy with yourself. I have plenty of straight male friends, and they just don't have these issues. Straight people are far less superficial as a whole than gays. I really wish one day gays would stop beating up their own kind. A truly viscious group they can be. This article underscores the reason to just rise above and be the better person, true to yourself, and to treat others with respect as a starting point rather than having 100 requirements to garner said respect. I love just being my own separate person. It just makes it harder to try and make that connection and maybe even find a date or better love when the mainstream community that's easily accessible doesn't give you a shot if you are shy of the typical posterboy pinup like the ones on here.

[JT]

This is amazing. I'm 23, and I'm starting to feel a little old, but that's just a personal "omfg I have to be really responsible soon" crisis.

I'm getting sick of chatting with older guys who spaz about being.. well.. older. They always say stuff like "I'm probably too old for you" or "if I was 20 years younger..." bullshit. You can't get any younger, so just deal with it and be confident in yourself. You never know who you're gonna click with.

[Joey]

Devil you're an idiot. Take your racist ass and stick your fucking racial slurs up your ass you stupid son a bitch.

[Joey]

Devil you are an idiot. Dont bring you racist slurs on here you stupid son of b*tch.

[Joey]

Devil your comment is irrelevent and ignorant.

[Tyler]

Musyqman is absolutely right on the money!
I'm in my 40's. I get more abuse/attitude/bullshit/nasty sarcastic comments from gay men! It has been going on for years.
The worse was the fags from Tampa Bay area who privated me on gay.com and told me I'm an over weight aids disease and that I should die from aids and stop poluting society! This from gay men!
And you wonder why so many of us are pissed off? A lot of you should of had more spankings from your Mommies/Daddies and taught some basic manners and appropriate behavior!
Gays have gotten nastier and more HURTFUL NOT KINDER!

[Kris]

Of course when he looks like that its a lot easier to say such things.

[Betterthanyou]

The best part of being me is that sooner or later everyone who told me all along that I was crazy to say this years ago...is now beginning to say it. The gay community in general is SO shallow and superficial that it is beyond belief. If you are changing your life because of some article; well, you will still be just as pathetic as before you read the article. Be yourself if you have the cajones for it. Most people do not and that is why they run with the herd. And BTW, spare me your righteous indignation in reaction to my little rant here. All it proves is that I was right:) Have a nice day:)

[Sargon Bighorn]

I deeply care what the rest of you think of me; NO I really really do. I mean it's all about you and what you think of me. I care, I really care. Now get the FUCK out of my way I have a life to live. Smooch. Now let's go get a beer.

[The Devil of the Contra Code]

Hey Joel, if you're gonna call me a racist, you better have some fucking evidence in doing so you fucking prick. I hope you get cancer in your balls and your mother dies from AIDS for saying some shit like that to me you fucking fuck.

[jojohnson]

I was also very distracted by the spelling mistakes. This is an article and as such should have proper editing. There is no reason for the words, "their, there," and, "they're" to be used improperly. Rechlo from Canada we're not being the stereotypical gay people you call us - we're simply being literate.

[ToeKnee]

I like how these posts about "being yourself" or "being happy" are always posted by people who probably haven't ever been ugly in their lives..

[Justin]

I am 19 years old and I can honestly say that I am comfortable in my own skin.

In high school I was the "Fat Ass Queer", harrassed to the point of assault, cried myself to sleep many nights, etc.

At age 16 I weighed over 310 pounds.
One day I simply refused to internalize everyone elses opinion, and stopped stressing about it.
That week it was like i deflated. The stress I had been carrying about my weight was actually making me heavier.

Ive never looked back, and I love myself even more for being that stupid for so long.

A body is a body, we dont have a chance to bring it with us to our next existence... Its your soul that counts!

[The Devil of the Contra Code]

You know, as non-tough the writer was and the post before me, why didn't you just, fight back? You know when people realize they can't pick on you because you'll actually be aggressive, they'll stop. They have targets for a reason. You're supposed to show them that you're not going to be one of his/her's punching bags.

[JoJo]

I can agree with all points of the story. I try to present myself as an entirely different person, and it does nothing but stresses me out every day.

And yet, I am not inclined to change my path. I take rejection personally, and am only satisfied when I feel accepted. As I turn 33 this year, I am enormously under the pressure of trying to extend my range of attractiveness. I start lying about my age, work out the gym more intensely, and try my best to erase any feminine ways that I have. It's not me...but my bedroom isn't empty, and at the end of the day that makes me feel good.

There is a good reason I DON'T want to be me. If I start being myself, then people will just pass me by looking for the next smooth, young, masculine jock in the room. Come back from the bar alone? No way, I'm too young for that.

I would look towards 'friendship' as my support but I really don't have many friends. Most people in my life are only friends with me until they get the chance to sleep with me; then the friendship is over, or only as long as I keep them as a fuckbud.

I guess, in conclusion, I can see why anyone would be on my same path and not want to change. Based on everything we have learned from our families AND the gay community, it is NOT OK TO BE GAY.

[Justin]

In reply to "The Devil"'s comment.

I didnt fight back because that would mean that I actually considered getting angry for the occasion.

Anger is the number one emotion for fucking things up. and it just so happens to be an emotion that I dont just welcome in to my life with open arms.

I do not see violence as an answer to anything.

So if "non-tough" is what you were getting from my last post, disregard it.

So I didnt stand up to a bunch of pathetic high school students.
Its the hidden strength behind it, not letting them affect you in any way. Taking reigns over your own life rather than letting your emotions control you.

Its our emotions that get us through this life. But its the control we have over those emotions, that take us where we would like to be.

and You dont fight fire with fire.
You get some fucking water and drown the bitch in it.

dick.