How Not To Be An Ass

Oh, you know who you are! We think sometimes that being catty, rude, mean and putting others down is just a part of the gay community. It's all fun and games until your life is full of ex's who hate you, friends who never want to speak to you, people who avoid you and you find yourself more alone than ever. This is when you will wonder, "What have I done to deserve this?"

I think we all have given and received our fair share of bad treatment. My goal is not to change the world but hopefully help a few of you to think twice before you dish it out again.

I was in line at Starbucks a few months ago and behind me was a mature gay couple who I would assumed had been together for a long time. They were talking to each other about friends they had just visited. At one point, one of them said something negative about one of their friend's house. His partner immediately said to him, "Don't be an ass!"

I laughed a little when I heard this. After I picked up my drink and headed to my car I started to think about what he had said. It was so simple, "Don't be an ass!" Isn't that the perfect way to live your life?

So how do you stop being an ass? I like to think the best of people and assume they don't realize their actions and comments are hurtful to other people. There are tons of tips of how to be a better person but I think these 3 really can help you make some major changes to not being an ass:

Honesty - We all know honesty is the best policy but it can be hard to be honest sometimes or even too honest other times. We have to find the balance between white lies to spare feelings and being brutally honest.

We tell white lies to not hurt someone's feelings because we think it is the easy way to let them down. Kind of like at the end of a date you say you will call and just don't. Was that truly easier on them, or on you? If you did not intend to call, just do not offer the call in the first place. We all have heard the famous line, "I would rather just be friends..." but it is honest and you did not leave them waiting for a call that never came.

Brutally honesty is when someone finally gets the courage to come talk to you at an event and before the words "hi" can leave their mouth you say, "You do not even have a chance." Maybe they are not your type but it doesn't mean you need to destroy them to let them know. Everyone knows there is a nicer way to go about this, we just have to be willing to use it.

Opinions - You've heard the saying, "Opinions are like assholes and everyone's got one." This is important to remember. We all know what we like, what we find attractive, and what we don't. We do not need to share this with the world when ever we have the chance to do so.

If someone walks in wearing something I don't like, it shouldn't be my goal to educate them on the world of fashion according to my views. If someone shares how they love Ugly Betty, it's not my invitation to tell them how much I hate the show and wouldn't be caught dead watching it. When a friend introduces me to their new friend, it's not my opportunity to let them know it's social suicide to be seen with them.

Sometimes we need to practice W.A.I.T. (Why Am I Talking?) It is a great question to ask yourself before you react to a situation. Maybe it will give you enough time to learn the fine art of biting your tongue.

Empathy - We do not always think about other people and what it would be like to be on the other side. Why would we? We live in our worlds and see through our perspective. It's important for us to step out sometimes from the world revolving around us and see what it's like to be on the other side of our words and actions.

The way you treat others is a reflection on you and how you want to be treated. Think about the things you say or do and reflect on how you would feel if you were treated that way. Sometimes it's good to speak knowing, one day, someone may speak the same way to you.

Maybe then we wouldn't make fun of the overweight girl in class. Maybe then we wouldn't make fun of the older person at work who can't work the copier, maybe then we wouldn't call the shy boy a wet blanket when he doesn't want to go out drinking, maybe then we wouldn't call the gay guy a fag because he seems different to us.

Don't be an ass!

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Angelo]

I think this is perfect , most of you don't think twice before you think once and that is why your so lonely . Change isnt easy or wont come tommorow , remember pratice makes perfect . I love this positive outlook "Don't be an ASS !" LOL .

Angel

[taka]

Good article!
So true-- "Opinions are like assholes and everyone's got one."

[PDXBlueyes]

EXCELLENT. When we start with ourselves, we start at the core. Then we CAN make real change happen.

[michael]

Think before you speak, once I over heard a conversation at a mall the next thing a fight broke out , it seems this couple we're talking about one of thier friends negatively, not realizing that the friend was near by and over heard the the whole conversation.

I agree I am sick and tired of other gay putting down other gay men agee don't be an ass, as no one else is going to wipe your ass either.

[Gary]

i always live my life being honest. I was raised Christian but I don't think it always works in the real world.

I have met tons of people gay or straight who think it's their right to scam other people and then laugh about it.

There are unbelievable dergotaory people who don't care about their actions then there are people who have amazed me so much I think they are angelic.

[ray]

this should be required reading for all gay men and women

[JT]

Aaah I think I'm in love with this man. These articles are slowly restoring my faith in humanity <3

I love it.

[Charly Bumstead]

A few simple rules to follow will make us a stronger community.

[Alex]

I gave a talk at an elementary school recently, and conversed with the kids there. One of the kids gave me a perfectly good answer on this very topic (or a closely related one anyway). He said:

"Talking bad about people makes your heart dry up."

I couldn't agree more. It's hard when you've been down the rocky roads most of us may have been on. Besides, if you're that bitter, choose a sport or get a therapist. Both are extremely healthy and worth while. Cheers! :D

[Adrian L]

Wow a article that addresses the very thing that tears our community apart. I am over the way gays treat other gays and other people. The catty remarks and insults about looks and and personalities make for a dismal group of men and women. I like the phrase dont be an ass but there is a rule older and still very valuable. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Dont be an ass is so well...gay

[Laun]

I agree with the above comments, yes it is so uncool to put others down. Scam artists are not cool. Spreading lies and rumors around out of jealousy and anger isn't cool either. People need to learn to walk in the other person's shoes before knocking someone down. You don't know what a person goes through during the day, thus don't judge until you know all the facts. Also, spend a little more time talking things out in discussion, before jumping to negative conclusions and doing something hateful that you might regret later. There are never any reasons for any hate crimes or violent acts. Gay guys need to be a little more wary of this kind of stuff, as to the fact alot of straight folks don't understand or care what the gay community faces on a daily basis.

[Wyatt1969again]

I think if you come across an ASS then essentially two things kinda crop up...

First you need to determine if you're right about a person.

Next you have to make sure you're right to say it.

All else aside - everyone knows shitty people exist - they are everywhere - like fucking mosquitoes.

But here’s an interesting observation and I think it’s really worth mentioning -

If you go looking for shitty people you will find them always - but if you don’t - you wont (nearly as much) - and you might not fall into that negative ilk yourself - however, hopefully, temporary if you must.

That is to say - seems to me that rotten people tend to bring out the worst in us - so avoiding them helps in not becoming one of them.

I know I can be pretty mean - and sometimes look like a HUGE ASS doing it.

But I have to say I also don’t go looking for trouble hardly ever - and when I do it’s mostly a state of "I don’t give a fuck" that I'm in when problems arise...

This is when it's a mistake to be mean to me - because I'll call your ass out on the spot - no matter where I am and no matter who you are...

And then shit really gets out of hand.

But I'm like fucking whatever - too fucking bad sometimes - because I so swear that when you do call a person out on their bullshit - they don’t expect it - as if they have been getting away with acting like an ASS forever.

It's a real fucking trip.

So I guess really - if you do find yourself in a situation where you just have no choice but to be harsh…

Choose your words wisely but make it count - and avoid getting violent unless you're ready for a good fight, jail, or both.

[Monsieur_Jonas]

Veramente!!

[alex]

i'm glad i read this. i think i'm turning into an ass (age?, living in LA?) so this we'll get me back on track to being a nice guy :)

[Rob]

Mr. Moniz is absolutely right! People in general need to be more sensitive of others' feelings.

If you present yourself in a kind and friendly way, then those around you will usually do the same, but if you are an "Ass" around others, they will be the same right back.

[zarxo]

Finally an article worth noting: The are two rules to life that everyone must follow if you wish NOT to be the revenge list. First, never insult another person's appearance. With that, the secondary rule is to never insult a person's taste. Of course, this is relative to who you are, what they are to you, and how much power-play, leverage, and socio-eonomic variables are at play. These are the golden rules to avoid if you wish to be successful. However, if another will never have any leverages on you and you predict well, then by all means "slash away." But remember, people talk and there is also something to be said about have a "negative" reputation. Bad news is better than old news or to be forgotten.

[Sparky]

I like this article a whole lot. I'm glad there is someone from WITHIN our community that is talking about something that I believe is something of a cancerous sore in our community that needs to be taken care of. But HEY! that's just MY opinion.. and as we all know... "opinions are like assholes... everyone's got one!". :-P

[Rohit]

Article makes perfect sense, but it hurts to realize "How many people actually abide by it?" Answer is a no brainer, and it is "Not Many".
Unfortunately, the term 'Gay Scene' to many people implies: bitching, hookups, unstable relationships, loud bars, queens. And I think it is many of us who are responsible for it.
Its not too late.
Next time you meet someone, have the courage to say the truth and then stand by it.
Be a real man.

[splerrk]

Very impressive article.
Especially the last line.
We should all keep that one in mind.
And also, Nice Guys Never Finish Last...
Because We Never Finish Being Nice!
Growing up without my birth parents & having a handicapped sister & then later a DWI brain damaged brother at 16 didn't make me fit in to the typical lucky kids who had complete normal families,
But I was naturaly more caring & empathetic to people who live more challenging lives.
I wasn't extremely popular but I was a jock, stoner, rocker, & a kinda nerdy str8 A egg head too, all at the same time therefore a part of every crowd.
I was a class clown too & loved joking around & laughing at a good joke. But when clearly someone's feelings were hurt I was probably the only one that re assured that person that we were just joking & didn't mean to take it too far.
When I met the love of my life in Austin TX back in 1993, a lot of the bitchy queens didn't like the fact that my hotty was better looking then me & did everything possible to make sure that I didn't feel good enough for him to the point of me not feeling good enough to be gay.
But some of them were his so called friends & didn't realize that they screwed him over too with all their lies & gossipy rumors.
But what they didn't know is that he really loved me & ruined both our lives.
But also there is a reason why all my boyfriends & lovers are hotter then me visually & that is that my personality & my slightly above average looks combination make me just as hot if not hotter then all of those bitches fewest good qualities combined.
I don't hate them completely & I am still slowly getting my gay pride back as I have all but one or two gay friends now.
Without them & all that happened I never would have discovered how wonderful I am for not stooping to there level, ever.
But sure enough I visited once again & like clock work, the same Bitches of Austin were still out doing the same thing they always did (probably every night) with the exception that they all are still lonely & they also got fat.
Bad Karma, served them right.
But what they still don't know is that Scotty will always be mine.

[splerrk]

BTW - Honesty is everything & when I see some mean gays out number & corner someone to not let them weel welcome or belong.
I will continue to be brutally honest & tear then all new ass hole.
You can call me a rude bitch for it, but am I really?
I play with the big boys to win Girls & if you don't like it, well then, I quess I never cared for you to be a part of my life anyways, so eat my shorts.
LOL

[Huh?]

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh, people like me."

[K]

We at least owe everyone the courtesy of acknowledging that they have the right to be on earth too, sharing space with us. The thing is, when people are judgemental, (usually) it's not even about things that matter, like they're a serial murderer or they embezzelled $1,000,000 from their company, it's because they're, God forbid, ugly or over 40.

[Mike]

Gay men think it's fun, and many make it a hobby to be catty and bitchy to other gay (and straight) people. However, they don't think it's too fun when the shoe's on the other foot. When tempted to be a bitch, think of what it would feel like if the other person were saying things about you or treating you in a certain way. It don't feel too good, does it?

[JimE]

yeah, only gay men ever behave like this?

you are an ass.

[cj]

This is a good article. the gay life would be nicer if more people in the gay community would actually try not to be an ass.

[Michael]

Good article- we should as gay men and women redefine class, as we are known in America for defining a lot of things!

[Dirk]

Always assume you are talking to the person about whom you are speaking. It saves a lot of problems later.

[Opinions]

Did anyone else notice the irony in this? "Opinions are like assholes" and the writer's giving us his opinion?

Not that that's a bad thing!

[Roger]

Great article! Unfortunately this has being going on for generations of gay men. We do pass things along to the next generation.

I think this bitchiness (which some consider internalized homophobia) stems from the general hatred that most of us endure from the larger population and then we take it out on each other. Even in the 1950s the early gay groups were calling on larger society to have 'compassion' for our 'illness'. This only started to change in the late 1960s when gay liberation groups started.

Now that we are having generations that don't face as much discrimination maybe this can be their contribution to gay liberation. Stop passing on the bitchiness! Older generations also have to work harder stop their own inclination to do this.

[tj]

Was this written for the oh-so-brave "Anon" (first comment) on the Gay Sports blog about the SF Spikes? He's 2-, 2.5-, if not 3-for-3.

[biggerd]

For as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people on the outside of the circle looking in. I am not rude, I am not bitchy, I am friendly, I do speak to everybody (I am of the belief that everybody is deserving of being spoke to or acknowledged), I am the one who comes to the person who has been hurt (physically or mentally) and offer my help and or support. I have been told many times that I am very good looking and these people are surprised when I speak to them, online or even in person. Yet somehow I still remain on the outside. I am definitely not standoffish, nor offensive, nor rude, nor anything else of that nature. I am plain and simply different from others, and always have been. I can remember back to kindergarten, even then, I was not part of the whole, I was singled out by my peers and excluded. I can not tell you the number of times I have spoken/said hello to someone in a bar, and have them look at me like I was some kind of alien and just walk on by without even saying hello back. I just don't get it. I have always tried to live by the Golden Rule and do unto others as I would have them do unto me, but it does not seem to come back to me.

It was almost ironic to read through that above comments. Most of the people really got the message from this great article, while I see a few still used cattiness, rudeness, and even defended themselves for being asses, and don't dare approach them or they will call you out on it and rip your head off or rip ya a new asshole. Just amazing how some people act. I know, that someday, my perfect male lover/companion/significant other will show up. I know that he will not be perfect, but in my eyes he will be perfect.

There is a saying that is used when building something that requires something to be cut/sawed. Measure twice and cut once. I would like to put this into different words in relationship to how we treat and/or speak to people: Think twice (or more if necessary) and speak once. If what is in your head isn't nice, then speak it only to yourself or change it so that it will be nice. *(He steps down from his soapbox and disappears.)

[David B.]

Good article.
I want to add a piece of advice for those of you who are catty. This was a piece of advice my father gave me. Sadly, not too many parents give this little gem to their children.

NEVER fuck with people. You have no way of knowing what they will do to you.

It has served me well.

That being said, I don't deal with catty people. It you get in my face and try to push me, odds are, you'll regret it.

Throw your drink on me, or push me, you are likely going to end your evening in the emergency room.
In all 50 states, those actions constitute an assault.

I will likely knock your teeth out. I don't argue and do the catty return volley. I just straight up knock your ass out.

That being said, be careful who you mess with. You don't know who I am, or where I live.

I'm a nice man, and would give you the shirt off my back if you were in need. However, if you mess with my friends, or god help you, me, you better have good insurance.

And let me see a group of you ganging up on someone. I'll break your fucking legs with a bat. That aint no joke.

Keep that in mind.

Have a nice day. :-)

[David]

Everyone should read this, not just every gay. Everyone should learn this bit of etiquette at a young age.

[Daniel]

I have a friend who so needs to read this article. I'm just about the only friend he has left because I love him and can put up with a lot. Interesting enough, his main excuse for being an ass to others is because he constantly thinks that people are being an ass to him. Unfortunately, he does not realize that they are usually just reacting to his short comments or catty attitude.

[Grow up]

Actually the perfect way to live your life would be NOT to obsess over people that act like asses (according to your own opinion of what an ass is which is always subject to scrutiny), then grow a spine, stop letting little things bother you so much and certainly dont try to think you have some voice of reason that needs to be heard when the truth is you let things bother you so much you'd write such an article because you cant let go. This article is a waste and clearly the writer and those agreeing with him have issues with people that dont live by their terms in this world.

Why not take an in depth look at why people repeat a pattern of getting involved with guys that later become "asses." Consider that the type of people who call others "asses" by that very nature and juvenile act might actually have a few problems of their own qualifying them as an "ass" themselves. And lets not pretend when a gay man is rejected the guy he wanted and thought was hot a minute ago quickly became an "ass" after the fact.

An "ass" is in the eye of the beholder. The real issue is some gay men in particular havent grown up mentally or emotionally and cant assimilate into society even within groups of other gay men. They act like they are 5 years old still. They come to bars clubs and social networking sites like kids in a candy store. They want everything they see without learning how to earn it. When they cant have what they want they throw a temper tantrum. When everyone doesnt meet their terms "its not fair!" When no one wants to "play" with them everyone is "mean"... now that they've physically grown up and language gets more spiteful the word "mean" has been replaced with "ass" but the same emotional deficiency exists behind labeling people such a word. Its hypocritical to call people asses without acknowledging you come across like one as well stooping so low. So next time you hear someone tell another person "dont be an ass" why not interject and say "You too!" and get on with your lives instead of trying to create some sort of artificial etiquette thats actually self serving to those who cant cope with life, people, different people, differing opinions, differences in personalities...

Too many gay men are hypersensitive and always play the victim. They seek out being victimized for attention. Thats what crying out "dont be an ass" is really all about. Its tiresome. Theres no amount of white lies or biting tongues that can appease fragile egos. Some of you want to live in a fantasy world were no one is honest. But you say your honest. Where we all mislead each other to spare feelings and feed egos. Where no one gets anywhere with people making yourselves lonely because you fear coming across like an "ass" that you cant be honest and forthright to build a real connection with other human beings. And we're all supposed to be politically correct and never speak our minds. And we can never know what we want because what we happen to want may exclude some emotional wreck...

I find it ironic a segment of gay men try to enforce their own set of self serving manners on others in an attempt to repress whoever doesnt give them what they want in life but cannot see how doing that makes them just as bad as any right wing religious zealot also trying to control our lives and way of life. So many of you should be ashamed. But then again these are online gay men. They LIVE in chat rooms. According to their rules if you give them undivided attention you are "nice" like them but if not you are an "ass." Yet despite being the "nicest" people on earth they are more alone seen in chat rooms desperately searching for a connection every hour of every day compared to the guys they call "asses" who rejected them. How about "Dont be bitter."

[Adrian L]

There is this ideal that we should treat each person we meet as though they are our loving and caring mother, because in some lifetime or another they were! Its hard but I seen where I have let go of angry outburst for a more peaceful approach even to people who are treating me badly. This is how I bring peace to the world by my own actions!

[Xerophil]

Great article to remind us, to treat other people the way we want to be treated.

[gary]

So the author is attempting to teach us manners when he eaves drops on peoples conversations at a starbucks? Then makes judgments and opinions on people and situations he knows nothing about? Sounds like something an ass would do.

Meanwhile this gay couple was together despite one of the guys supposedly being an ass because I'm sure his partner meant it in jest and the author took it too seriously just to base this whole article around a chip he has on his shoulder due to his inexperience around people or feelings of inadequacy. The couple was probably a couple because at least one of them wasnt affraid to be themselves and speak their minds and they obviously liked each other enough to stick together a while and grab a cup of java. Maybe thats what bothered the author more then the ass comment. That he couldnt be that raw and honest with another person? Hasnt connected with someone on that level yet?

You know if I caught this author listening in on my conversation then making rash calls on whats being said without knowing me I'd say something to his face and I'm sure he would call me an ass for it. But in reality he was doing something wrong to provoke the situation in the first place. Just like many gay men who act and do obnoxious things and then cry when someone tells them something their moms should have taught them early on. This whole thing reeks of the pot calling the kettle black.

[Kris]

This is so perfect. I was recently on another website (the name will go unspoken) and it was filled with some of the most extremely narcissistic and judgmental bulls**t I've seen in ages. I asked myself why it is, in the face of the daily adversity gay people encounter, that we feel the need to create our own labels and stereotypes.

I know there's a better way of saying... "I prefer fit, athletic men," than by saying "I don't want a fatty!" Come on folks. You get back what you put out in this world.

[blah2323]

I'm just surprised to see an article on gay.com that doesn't revolve around sexual innuendos! This is rather refreshing and so true in the gay community! I was going to say it just seems like so many gays are like immature high school drama queens and bullies but I guess then I'd be being an ass lol (although it's the truth). The author of this article must be Christian, something that's becoming increasingly rare in the gay community...

[blah2323]

gary sounds like an ass(hole)...

[blah2323]

I somewhat agree with "Grow Up's" comments, especially, " And lets not pretend when a gay man is rejected the guy he wanted and thought was hot a minute ago quickly became an "ass" after the fact."--this is so true in the gay community. But the comment on "right wing religious zealots" was stupid since there are just as many left wing religous zealots out there and not all care about what you're doing in your bedroom figuring you're going to hell anyway...and with the way so many gays act, maybe they deserve to...

[biggerd]

Wow!!!! Who would ever have imagined, that asking a group of people to "play nice" could or would have caused such a controversy? Looks like a can of worms or maybe Pandoras box has been opened!!!!!!!

[J H]

I totally agree with what "grow up" is saying. I see too many phonies putting on fronts never being honest not really to spare other peoples feelings but to spare others so they look like saints and try to reap the rewards like it gives them an edge as a "nice guy." But it never works for them because its just a selfish ploy people eventually see through.

I agree with "gary" that the author is going about this wrong. The author just seems like a typical gay drama queen trying to listen in on other peoples gossip in a sad attempt to feel like he's a part of it. Who hasnt dealt with people like that and how unsavory they are. But its made worse when he writes an article using what he heard as an example to prove some other point he tries to make thats ultimately counterproductive and dispicable. Two wrongs dont make a right.

It sounds like "gary" hit a nerve with "blah2323." "blah2323" actually proved what "grow up" was acurately saying about the juvenile contempt gays like "blah" have for people that dont see eye to eye with his particular views. His actions make this article completely fall appart. "blah2323" agrees with the author's sentiments on "treating people right" but then he calls someone an asshole because he disagreed with him. Its this warped sense of morality that the author and his followers conveniently avoid.

And "blah2323" is a right wing christian. Thats why he took exception to the "right wing religious zealots" comment and got too defensive about it when that was clearly just an example of the type of people we all know too well are notorious for attacking gays as a group bent on telling us how to live our lives. That seems to be the point "grow up" was making by saying that. The author is no better then these type of people trying to control everyone with a particular set of principles when there are other dynamics involved and faults to spread around on every side.

The gay catty and bitchy attitude stems from catty and bitchy attitudes. You get what you put out. I just dont see adults treating people unkindly the way this article tries to make it sound unless circumstances lead up to it... most likely stired up by sociopaths being jerks then crying fowl pointing fingers at who's an ass to aleviate their own guilt.

[Timothy (TRiG)]

If you devote your life to seeking revenge, first dig two graves.
-Confucius, philosopher and teacher (c. 551-478 BCE)

http://wordsmith.org/words/obiter_dictum.html

[butterflyboy]

This is a good topic. Next time you are at a gay gathering, instead of talking just sit and listen. Notice the staggering number of times that people say hurtful things and talk trash about others. I swear sometimes that's ALL I hear. It's almost seems like that's what gay people are about sometimes: being mean. I was like that in high school, but for some reason many gays stay this way their whole life. This is why for the last 10 years 99% of my friends are straight and let me tell you - they are much kinder, considerate and a thousand times more friendly than any gay group of friends I could ever hope to assemble. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear the words 'gay community'. It's time for the 'gay community' to ask themselves what it is they are so proud of when they talk about gay pride.

[Me]

I don't wanna be an asshole. I just wanna be a dick

[oztiger]

Great article.

Ever met a happy asshole? If you're happy and secure within yourself you don't need to bolster your self-esteem by putting others down.

Ever met an asshole who can laugh at himself? Funny, but being able to laugh at yourself makes you much happier than laughing at others. This I've learned from my own experience.

If we can accept ourselves as we are, warts and all, we can accept others for who they are too.

[james_oxford]

Most Americans have made a business out of being assholes (just watch Rush Limbaugh or any of the other thousands of right wing people on US Television / Radio shows).

Plus Americans are best known throughout the rest of the world for being arrogant assholes. So I think you're article is interesting but it's probably not going to change much.