Dating Bradford: House Cleaning Your Head

It’s one thing to say, “This year I’m going to get a boyfriend,” but didn’t I say that last year? And the year before? With a dating portfolio of bottoming stocks, I have to ask myself; what have I been doing wrong that needs to change?

We all make New Years resolutions, but do we stop to think the first function in facilitating fruition is to clean house? I’m not talking scouring the tub with Soft Scrub, I'm talking about house cleaning your head.

For starters, this year my roommate Will and I are taking the first six weeks off drinking, (hic) and going to the gym three times a week (trying anyway). That should clear up some physical fogginess, but what about our mental mucus that needs a chronic colonic? How do we identify the problem poo?

Looking back on all the first dates, I started the same way - with eight-dollar burger and beer night at Trailer Park Restaurant – I’m thinking if I pick different locations for my getting-to-know-you-show, my dates might not run together like an endless stream of beef-fat down the gluttonous gullet of greetings.

So when they email, “Thanks for dinner the other night at such-and-such restaurant,” I’ll be able to identify them without having to play Sherlock Holmes by cross referencing their name to a profile on Gay.com, Facebook, MySpace, or any of the other social connection web sites we seem bent on belaboring these days.

Granted, I seem to have become somewhat of a serial dater of late - forever spinning the roulette wheel until my number comes up - but I must admit, difficulty in distinguishing dates is pretty tragic. The other day I discovered a month old “Dear John” email in my junk filter saying, “It was nice having dinner with you at Trailer Park, but I don’t think we have much in common.” I racked my brain to come across who it was that was blowing me off.

House Cleaning Chore Number One: Forget that old rule about not exchanging more than a few emails with someone before you meet in person. That was so two years ago when the modus-operandi to prevent posing pre-conceptions was three emails max of one line chats. These days after enticing emails, instead of re-clicking their pics, we peruse their profiles to get a better idea who we're chatting with.

Resolution: Try getting to know someone online longer before making a first date.  If you want them to gush, what’s the rush?

“Re-boot yourself” came the sage advice from favored fruit fly Jennifer, on the car ride back from skiing in Lake Tahoe. “My therapist says I attract the wrong people and gravitate toward the familiar, which means repeating bad habits. This year I’d like to find ways to make myself happy rather than relay on someone else to hold my interest.”

“I have the same problem,” said my roommate Will, swerving to avoid some black ice while simultaneously scrolling his iPod for that Lady Gaga song – AGAIN. “I get bored with a guy if we date and don’t have sex, and unless it’s great sex, I won’t see him again.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong roomie,” I said from the backseat, “But you don’t seem to be dating the same guys even after you have great sex.”

“That’s because they usually get too clingy with me, not enough cat and mouse play. When guys get attached too quickly I panic and just want to get away.”

“Why encourage the chase if you aren’t into them in the first place?” I asked.

"I don’t want them to feel the kind of rejection I felt when I was young, so even if they make me feel a little creepy I just say yes. Then I have to find a way to get rid of them. This year I want to figure out why I do this.”

House Cleaning Chore Number Two: Think about all the guys you could have had relationships with and consider if it was you that pushed them away, and why.

Resolution: Don’t be desperate to dump. For that matter, don’t be desperate.

“Selling a company, my house, and all my sports cars wasn’t enough,” said Millionaire Mark from his corner office with its panoramic view of downtown San Francisco, “So I’m moving to New York in February to start a new life. I’ll keep my dog though. He’s more loyal than any of my ex boyfriends.”

“Shed your ex’s then tackle your closet.” Said Danny, while throwing a tennis ball for Russell the Jack Russell to chase around Dolores Park. “Get rid of anything last season - that includes old tricks. Old tricks are like a prom dress you can’t seem to get rid of. Do you really want them clogging up your space?”

“For instance,” he says looking in his cell phone, “Who’s Kane Savage? If he’s a porn star, it sure wasn’t memorable. Delete!”

House Cleaning Chore Number Three: Get rid of all stored phone numbers for people with no last names. If you haven’t learned them by now, you probably don’t want to.

Resolution: For fuck sake try a little harder to remember people’s names. It’s not as if you're dissecting the Pythagorean Theorem and it goes a long way in making them feel like you care, even if you don’t.

“I go running until I’m dizzy.” Said hot sweaty Joshua at Chrissy Field as the sun set behind the Golden Gate Bridge, “I find that when you are totally exhausted you can only think about the present, and that’s the best way to start a new year.”

Speaking to Joshua reminded me I had once tried chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo at a confusing time and it had helped me clarify my direction. So I consulted my babeliciaous Buddhist buddy Rosalind to get her take on house cleaning of the head. “I set goals for myself at the beginning of each year and  accomplish them,” she said, “so there’s really no need for me to clean my head since I already live with one.”

With a twinge of remorse I thought about how much time and energy my Buddhist friends put into their practice. If I could spend part of my day meditating on my goals I might be a lot more focused with my time instead of writing for a tawdry fag…I mean, this prominent gay web site we all know and love. :-)

I have trouble getting to the gym on a regular basis much less incorporating anything, dare I say, routine into my daily life. It makes me wonder if there are easier tricks to managing ones’ tricks, and perhaps parlaying our playthings into partners.

So I have to ask:
In a culture cultivating every conceivable kind of clutter control, how do YOU clear out the crap and start your year with a clean head?

Comments

[Steven]

I think the problem is you wait all year long before doing some cleaning. If you're not going to do it on a continual basis, you're not likely to get anywhere.
When I was single, I tried to learn something from every relationship, even those one-night flings. "What did I like about him?" "What turned me on/off?", etc.
I think one of the problems in this society is the desperate need for instant gratification; and when we don't get it, we give up and move on to something else.
But, want one place to start: the people you do hang around with. They've been with you awhile. Do they have the same troubles? Maybe it's time to find people who don't have those issues and hang around them.
If you're asking advise from people who are riding on the same roller-coaster and haven't been able to get off...you need to find the people who were able to change and find out what really worked...then actually DO THE WORK.

[Stephen]

As somebody who is, as they say, 'terminally single' (as if it is a disease) and too lazy to do much about it or even care less I prefer the riposte of one doughty spinster when asked why she never married: 'I was lucky, I guess'.

[Single Mindedness]

This poor guy is TRYING to get on track. Here are basics of finding romantic partnership.
1. Know what you're looking for. How can you get there unless you know where you're going?
Most guys see being partnered as a status symbol or something they're "supposed" to do. Are you one of them?
Finding a partner is finding someone who will add to your life. They aren't a boredom alleviater. If you want partnerships that alleviate boredom, start a small business.
Are you introspective enough to know what "adding to my life" means? And perceptive enough to seek someone who meets those criteria?
2 - Make some criteria. Don't just "feel people out." Making a list is the PRACTICAL extension of step 1. It should includes WANTS as well as AVOIDS.
3 - Now that you know A. What kind of relationship you want and B. Who you want in it ... FORGET ABOUT IT!
Start engaging in FUN activities YOU enjoy. You'll only be attractive if you are enjoying life, self-sufficient and interested BUT NOT if you're wallowing, needy and desperate.
4 - What about in the meantime? Gay people are notoriously superficial. When you meet someone can they be a friend? Part of your book club? A fuck buddy? Or gee how about an understood "Let's date until we find someone better!" Or is that just too honest?
Part of getting what you want is giving up the ALL or NOTHING attitude. Get what you need IN PIECES. Let 1 person fill a role then let that role expand over time.
How many great couples started as LTR daters? Yeah, I can't think of any either.
How many started as fuck buddies, friends, bridge club members and it evolved (slowly or quickly) into deep compatibility? Yeah, I can't think of any who HAVEN'T developed that way.
What about me?
I have created several friends, business contacts, fuck buddies, etc following this advice.
I've also interacted with and then avoided a LOT of jerks and mismatches as well.
The result is this:
- My social and sexual need are met.
- Escaping tragedy has left me without cynicism.
- I have many good relationships that have the potential for developing into romantic ones.
- I feel very self-confident about my romantic life because I enjoy the rest of my life.

Give your romantic life some intelligent thought NOW so you don't give it a bunch of emotional thought LATER. That's cleaning up your mind!

[Madama Ginger]

My house cleaning rule for this year: no matter what - don't go for second best just because you're lonely. There are way too many times when we are just OK with spending time with a lover and not feeling that special something, just to fill the void that the special someone left when he dumped us...not a great basis for finding a good relationship. Housecleaning your brain! Definitely a must this year.

[Joe Jackson]

Ahh, just proceed to the next one! You'll feel better! ;o)

[Andrew]

Who the fuck are you? Mary, how many relationships have you had and what are your credentials? Got education? I don't think so. With your fetal-alcohol syndrome eyes, I invite you to shut the fuck up.

About anything. When you can live it, then you can preach it.

[Countervail]

If you're not first and foremost working on yourself in the first place, you might want to put romance on the backburner for a bit and do some homework anyway.

I guess I differ with some of the previous advice. I see so many friends constantly thwarted in their romantic efforts because "so and so wasn't this and that." They set up expectations for a potential romantic partner and as soon as someone doesn't fulfill a requirement or an item on their checklist, the person is history. We've all been egotistically conditioned to think we're the best and the brightest and that we should expect someone to live up to our preconception of a romantic interest rather than vice versa. Just consider how much easier it is to be the dumper instead of the dumpee when two people break up to know this is true. Have you really considered what you bring to the table when connecting with others? If you're looking for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet but you're more ugly step-sister than Cinderella, you've got some work to do.

My experience and observation of successful partnerships compared to serial daters comes down to a few concepts.

1. Be ready to compromise. Most of what being in a relationship is all about is how to work things out together. I think it was a humor book on dating that said this but it seems pretty true: Find someone you're 85% compatible with and learn to work out the other 15%. It's the small things that don't work that usually ruin the larger relationship. Learning to compromise and find solutions with a romantic interest lets you be together without focusing on the things that push you apart. You are not always right.

2. Be the boyfriend you'd want to date or reconsider your expectations. If you're not everything you expect in someone else you'd go out with, time to get to work. If you want to date someone sexy and toned and you're 100 pounds overweight, get to the gym. If you want someone rich and worldy, but you're going home to a studio apartment, eating take out to the same television reruns every night, get some skills, get some education, get a better job and start to develop yourself. The list goes on and on. While opposites may attract, it's usually fleeting. Couples with similarities, common interests and common goals are the ones that stay together.

3. Love yourself and your life. If you're not happy, enjoying what you have, and the things and people in your life, why would anyone want to be part of that Emo existence? When you're too wrapped up in your personal concerns and issues, you don't have the emotional capacity to share intimacy with another. And it's usually when you come to this state of grace where you're the most attractive. Competency, concern for others and happiness can be mighty sexy and appealing.

4. Be patient. Lust and love are two very different things so give yourself, and your romantic interest, the time and space to let things grow between you. Don't let one bad date determine the potential of years of future happiness. Think about those couples you know that have been together for years. Do you think they've never experienced ups and downs? But do you think they realize the totality of their relationship is more than a few bumps in the road? Don't sweat the little stuff.

5. Be independent. Only cartoon villians enjoy the companionship of clingy underlings. Maintaining a sense of self allows you and a romantic interest to be together because you both want to, rather than because of some sense of desperation on your part. It's a huge turn-off. And if you enjoy your life as recommended in #3 there's no reason for desperation.

6. Settling is not a bad thing. Hopefully your family and friends give you the affirmations that you are an amazing and wonderful person. But we're all probably a little more average than we'd like to acknowledge. While you don't want to maintain a bad relationship just for the sake of being together (i.e. codependent), there's a difference between "settling" (getting into a relationship that doesn't really suit you) and being settled (being honest with yourself about who you are and what you're likely to be able to attract and be attracted to).

7. Listen to your friends. Too often in the midst of dating you're simply too close to the experience to see situations realistically. If you're ever in doubt, ask your friends. They should know you well enough to be able to advise you positively or negatively about the potential of someone you're dating. Their conscientious and informed opinions are invaluable.

Hope this helps and is good food for though. Happy hunting!

[jeremi hans]

hai i am indonesian country

[VersAthlete23]

Thank you Countervail! :-)
Your response is long and WORTH reading.
I think a lot about summing up the other person.
You are thinking about summing up yourself.
I believe both are vitally important aspects.
Once a person can look at himself and their partner objectively, ONLY then can they really focus in on relationship dynamics.
Thanks again for the comment! :)

[Todd]

B.

First off I am a faithful reader of 'Dating Bradford' because what you write is a vignette of a culture people may or may not subscribe to but is nonetheless valid. Having traveled the world over, I am always reminded I must combine culture and context and respect other peoples views even if I don't quite understand them.

More pertinent to the recent article, I agree with a number of comments that one needs to parcel resolutions and life-style changes through-out the year. Even though I am sometimes too lazy to actually take my own advice, it takes about 5 to 7 weeks to institutionalize a new habit. That means you and Will only have another 4 weeks and 3 days of sobriety and aching muscles before abstinence and working out becomes a regular event. : P

Cheers & Kisses

[Johnzane]

Housecleaning recently, I came upon old pictures of former lovers, and discovered that hindsight, indeed, offered a clearer vision of the men I'd like to "hook up with" this year. One of them was of a good man I left behind many years ago. I wrote to him, and lo! He's single, successful, looking good, and would love to see me again. I'm not expecting a life together, but it's comforting to know he knows my ups and downs, and still wants more. Looking back on some of the things that brought us together (laughter, common values, and faith in each other) reminded me of how much I still need men like him in my life. Good sex? While I'm not a big fan of the "no pain, no gain" philosophy, when I've trusted my natural instincts, good loving often follows. Clinging vines? Though I draw the line at jealous tantrums, I find comfort knowing someone's got my back, and I've got theirs. My observation for this new year: the difference between a Wing Man and the Object of Your Desire is, the former leads you to first base with the latter, and not vice verse. My resolution for this new year is return smiles immediately, without conditions, pay more compliments, and to spread good will. Happy New Year, Brad! I miss your glee.

[hivgay]

hmmmmm
People usually date singles with STD on stdslove.com. I have met someone