Laughing in bed, part 2

In part 1, I focused on the fun of playfulness in bed. In this second half, I’m addressing the power of the spoken word — when it’s witty and when it’s not.

Putting people in their place with sarcastic kinds of humor has its place, which I think is mainly with professional comedians, not just because they’re good at it, but the stage gives those who stand on it the permission to say things humorously. We know they’re joking because they’re up there, so I say, “let it rip,” and nothing should be sacred. Sometimes, the only way people can hear the truth is by laughing at it.

But way too many of us think we’re just as clever as Joan Rivers, and maybe some of us are. However, talking in a bar, on the phone, or in bed is not necessarily your stage to cut people down to size. There are no spotlights. We’re not paying you to be funny. Ultimately, it’s not easy to tell if you’re joking or not and sometimes it just plain hurts. Besides, who would want to get close to a back-biting bitter bitch who thinks he’s as funny as Kathy Griffin?

Humor is a funny thing in more ways than one. When it shows up in an intimate connection, it can bring fresh air into a scene when the intensity gets too thick to breath. But just as often, when humor goes sour, a bit of levity can crush a partner’s self esteem quicker than you can say, “knock, knock,” and then “gong” any chances of satisfying each others desires.

So many couples break out into a fight simply because in the ritual of teasing each other, one of them folds under the silliest of circumstances. Our damned obsession to be competitive just keeps upping the ante until the hurt party says the same inevitably tearful response (listen for it), “You took it too far. You crossed a line.” And how, pray tell, does anyone know where that line is drawn on any given day? It’s not that the “ruthless, insensitive” partner has suddenly decided to violate the other’s emotional constitution. It’s that the wounded partner has finally drawn the line and taken something personally.

Furthermore, it’s often too difficult to discern when you either are simply saying something you find funny or you’re slipping in just enough humor to give yourself license to say what you really feel without taking responsibility for it. Yes, there’s a little truth in every joke, but come on, we all know what’s said next, “I’m just kidding.” Like that makes a jagged pill easier to swallow. As Ellen DeGeneres, in her stand up shows, has said quite adeptly, “Well, then you don’t know how to kid, ‘cuz we should both be laughing.”

But no one can avoid some of the inevitably funny aspects of being close to each other. Therefore, I recommend some ground rules. First I suggest dropping the “humorous teasing” all together for a period of time, because it’s not worth devastating each other. Next, try only making jokes about yourself and let your partner join in the giggles.

At the same time, to the best of your ability, try not to take anything personally. Rather than going through your day with the subtle mindset that your partner is going to inevitably cut you down, you’ll instead take on the assumption your partner is generally on your side and he does not plot to find your weaknesses simply to laugh at them — that your partner tries to love you. No, this is not a joke, I’m serious. And if this is a shocking revelation, then you have probably been taking things too personally for quite a while.

Another ground rule is to have a safe word you can use to stop the teasing before it starts to turn painful. So when your partner says “Abracadabra,” you both take a breather and it is then your opportunity to change the mood and end the conversation by reassuring your partner of your love and that you’re on his side. Another great ground rule I’ve found helpful is, if you’re going to try to be funny, go way over the top with it — so silly that there will be no doubt that you are not serious about what you’re saying.

Let me again emphasis the need to drop any competitiveness. Don’t use humor to try and out do each other because eventually, one of you is going to lose and what’s the use of creating a loser in a relationship? Most of all, if you are going to attempt to make your loved ones the butts of your jokes then you had better have the gonads to be the anus of their zingers as well.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Dr. Jallen Rix holds a doctorate of education in sexology and specializes in maximizing sexual pleasure for singles and couples, "ex-gay" recovery, religious abuse and creative approaches to sex education. You can learn more about Dr. Rix at his website.

Comments

[CHM2006]

This article is terrific. It addresses a trend I've been noticing for a few years now. I think that, specifically in America, the popular sense of humor is crass and very demeaning, always hitting below the belt. You see it on sitcoms a lot, and being sarcastic becomes a way of life for ordinary people. That usually means there's lots of anger boiling underneath. I can spot these guys in 10 seconds or less (I can even see it in a person's gay.com profile sometimes!) because I used to be like this in high school and college, but now that I'm a kind person, I keep my distance.

[HT]

Posted by: CHM2006 | December 09, 2008 at 03:21 PM

Good point; but British comedy has been doing it longer (and with more taste, ironically) and there's a point everybody forgets...:

It's not as much the media as it is how people behave in real life.

Most sitcoms and such are usually (or used to be) over the top parodies of life situations. They weren't meant to be used as a mirror or even a how-to-parent guide... and I see it at work too; many of the mid-20-somethings are overtly rude in departmental events; sarcastic clapping at the end and all. No sense of respect for other people at all.

A partial tangent of the above: 20 years ago, people who asked "Oh cool, what color?" when told they were going to get a computer were ridiculed. Now look at the present day... 20 years ago, Kelly Bundy was a send-up of a ditz. Nowadays, compared to many, she's the proverbial daughter of Einstein by comparison...

[Bastion]

When I read this... I feel like I'm going through a similar situation.
Of course I'm probably taking his jokes out of context. But some of them tend to be quite offensive... Especially when I hear them over... and over... and over again.

It would also be a nice thing to see him realize that my feelings are hurt quite easily at times.

[muzyqman]

It has been an unfortunate fact of life for a long time that much humor is based on insulting or offending someone. We all love to sit in a club and hear someone get read, as long as that person is not us. And many of us think that, as long as one person in the room laughs, we can call it "being funny" instead of "spewing venom." But the days of the humorous storyteller (Flip Wilson, Nipsy Russell, Sam Levinson) are gone. They have been replaced by mean-spirited people who use foul language to make us laugh in our discomfort and think they're funny when they're just very tall little boys and girls experimenting with dirty words.

[Gary]

i agree American humor is crass. Canadians aren't much better because something condescending seems to make people laugh.

on the other hand i have had playful sex laughing through the whole thing. Even when the baby batter hit me in a spot that is highly annoying i laughed it off. We were laughing through our kissing as well.

Wonder what happened to him........

[Brad]

I found something that made us laugh in bed.. i bought this hilarious cookbook called "Get in the Kitchen, BIT@HES!" (bitchcooks.com)... the photos and recipes and the whole book was uterly hilarious.. John and I stayed up just to read it to eachother.. it was awesome.

[Lorenzo]

wow, you hit it right on the dot. I have had problems with guys thinking they are all that with their sarcasm. I hope many of those read this. They are not the least funny.

[Wyatt1969again]

In part 1 you set the stage for many if not all men (and maybe even women) to understand that laughter assists communication and that communication makes for better sex – fostering deeper love – etc.

In part 2 – you make very little sense.

Was part 1 about comedians?

I thought part 1 was well done.

Part 2 feels as if I stepped into a not so clever spat between YOU and who else – I am not so sure.

So here’s my PART 2 (That ought to piss you off LOL). Note the subtle hint at the now, apparently, oh so dangerous use of humor as sheltered under the aegis of “LOL”.

First of all – humor comes form a personal place – that’s true. Observation lends itself to the sometimes indefensible and thus one may be faced with this question:

To say something or not?

Say something wrong and you might regret it.

Say it right and the clouds will part – a ray of sun will shine down upon you and so shall you be adorned with the naked man of your choosing (hopefully).

In so far as what should and should not be said in “Bed” – the gambit isn’t just run – it’s worn the fuck out.

Alas – if you aren’t sure as to the potency of your potables then perhaps your mouth be best kept shut.

Still one wonders what wonder itself could come about with a little understanding.

Good humor need never be at the expense of another in the first place.

In such a case as it appears it might – then don’t name names and make sure the brunt of your joke isn’t in the room. It’s that simple. Besides – didn’t your mother teach you any manners? Not to talk about people when they are present?

A joke is a joke is a joke.

Be prepared to share your part of the responsibility. Don’t act like a common Republican and bail out when the joke looks like it’s on you.

No.

Stand up – explain yourself and apologize. This increasingly old fashioned approach to respect and understanding – still lends some needed credibility to a person who has somehow become one of questionable character.

Put another way: You fucked up – you fix it.

Bu-dink! Dink! TSHhhhh! (Ziljan where are you when I need you).

So here’s the rub – Bub!

Once you lean successfully on humor to better communicate in the bedroom – don’t lean on it like a crutch.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you now have the “cart blanch” ability to laugh your way out of everything.

As if all that you are – all that you have done up until this very moment – gives you sole license to make a move without consulting your sometimes wobbly sense of reason.

Don’t forget – in these cases your credential isn’t framed on the wall.

It’s your ability to be honest with yourself and your partner(s).

Now with that said – I would like to point out that Dr. Rix is fucking hot. I can’t help but think that he is taken. Dang – it’s just my luck.

Still Dr. Rix – if ever you find your cute ass in Spokane WA – then maybe we could have a few drinks – share some laughs – and then I could screw you for 2 or 3 hours while you attempt to complete your sentences – yet only manage to utter things like:

Yes…again…ohhhhhhh…….uhhhhh…….mnnnnn….nnnnn….Wyyyyyyyyy.

Merry Christmas Dr. Hottness – Merry mother fuckin Christmas!

Ouch!

[HighStrungLoner]

Over the years I've seen way too many gay couples whose relationships seem to consist solely of sniping at each other and catty, demeaning remarks. It has always made me sad. I put a stop to it early, even in my friends.

[Splerrk101]

LIVE LAUGH LOVE!!!

Come on. Isn't this article a bit exaggerated to the point of beint almost sarcastic itself.

A bit of intended humor in or out of bed in a GAY or Straight relationship would seem to me to be healthy.
LOL

DUH!
Of course if one is to have crossed the line, I would hope have the not just good manners but the commonsence to apologise when appropriated.

But to suggest that someone with good Sarcasm Skills has hidden anger issues is crossing another as well.

If you are sleeping with someone sarcastic regularly as in a "Relationship" & you really know what a relationship is, you should pretty much know your partner well enough to even love him/her for it anyways.

To "Bail Out" on someone you supposedly "LOVE" because of a stupid joke gone wrong situation is probably because YOU are the "Overly Sensitive" one or you are feeling hurt because the Sarcastic/Smart one hit a nerve to some hidden secret or your problem with insecurity that you've been keeping from him/her.
Or
You are an attention seeker & aren't receiving enough from your partner - selfishly creating needless DRAMA, Queen.

If you Bail Out it would probably be the best thing that could ever happen to the Funny One as he/I would be like way better off, OK.

If anyone is not willing to COMPROMISE in the relationship & would choose to Bail Out especially over a STUPID JOKE,then they don't deserve the priveledge to be an exclusive relationship & should probably seek professional help or try something... anything to try and not be so UPTIGHT.

Who needs a Dr. Degree to Figure that out.

Anyways ..

LIVE - LAUGH - LOVE

LIVE your lives with each other trough Better and Worse.

LAUGH now as you look back at what you've learned to live with.

LOVE the fact that you both still have each other & thank GOD that you both still will always have each other tomorrow.

Splerrk - 101

[Wyatt1969again]

Hello everyone.

I’d like to apologize to Dr. Jallen Rix

I think I made his point in some odd way when I posted my “Part 2” (above somewhere).

Something tells me you are a nice man Dr. Rix. I don’t know why – but I can just tell.

When I say “nice” – I mean it in no trite way.

I acted like an ass for the sake of a laugh and in this case – I was wrong.

Again,

I apologize.

Sincerely,

Wyatt1969again

[Matt Bragg]

As an openly gay comedian, I think this article is right on the money! I think humor in bed is really important and can often times bring a couple closer together. As long as you are making fun of yourself first and the situation second you will always be in the clear. I would never attack someone in bed...however I wouldn't let something go if it was just to good to pass up! Often times I feel like it is my partners turn to be funny...since I am not getting paid (ahem...) this is his time to be the funny one!

Above all, remember this...If you can dish it out...you better be able to take it like a man! ( again ...ahem.)