He Cheated, Now What?

He cheated; now what do you do? Your heart is hurting and you start thinking of revenge. The anger and the vengeful feelings subside and you begin to cry. You now start questioning: "Why did he cheat? Was it my fault? What is wrong with me?"

Dealing with a cheating partner is not easy. Your rational mind will make quick choices but it is your heart where all the decisions ultimately will need to be made. This is about love, trust and your future.

It starts with you

You can't rush through your feelings doing this process. You are hurt and disappointed. You need to take time to feel through this situation. Allow yourself the time to heal and deal with what happened. We are sometimes too quick to say "suck it up" and move on. We want to show a brave face, but it's not the time for that.

Giving ourselves the time to "feel" what just happened allows us to clear our mind and begin thinking about the situation without our emotions controlling everything because we suppressed them or tried to hide them. Emotions are not a sign of weakness; they show us we are strong and allow people into our hearts.

It's time to talk

After you have had the time and space to feel through the situation, it is time for the two of you to talk. You spent time together, and it is important to have a conversation so you can be honest with each other and have all those questions in your head answered. You know your mind will come up with tons of questions about the situation and drive you insane with your made-up answers. It is much easier to get the answers from the person involved.

This conversation allows you to gather all the information you need from your partner about the situation, how you feel and where the two of you are.

Now it's back to you

Now you return to decide what happens next. This is not a decision to be made together; it is a decision you will make alone.

If your partner wants to be with you, you need to decide if you want to be with him. Do not allow your friends or family share their advice or opinions with you. This is your life and you have to live with your choice. There is no guarantee he will not cheat again. You also can not punish him for what he did. You have to decide if there is a strong enough love to allow you to forgive and move on together. It's all about forgiveness.

If your partner no longer wants to be with you or you choose not to be with him anymore, you need to think about how you are going to move through the breakup. What boundaries are you going to set? (No contact, emails only, who moves out and when, etc.) What support do you need to make this transition smooth?

I can't tell you if you should stay with him or if you should leave. This choice is yours and only you can make it in the end.

Do I believe all gay men cheat? NO.
Do I believe "once a cheater, always a cheater?" NO.
Do I believe relationships can't survive after an affair? NO.
Do I believe in love? YES, and I know you do, too.

This is not an easy subject to talk about. It is very personal for all of us and based on all of our own experiences and perspectives. I would love for you to share your positive support for others on this topic. What tips can you share to help someone dealing with being cheated on?

(Photo: Getty Images)

Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Will]

I think there is something we all can learn from discussing this topic, expecially on gay.com of all places. Cheating has hurt many people and it continues to hurt people everyday. It would seem that no one, cheater, victim, or cheatee escapes from the situation unmangled or disturbed in some small or big way.

The only thing we can control as an individual is what we do when we either decide to cheat, are cheated on, or participate in sex with someone who has cheating (knowingly or unknown).

In this example we will choose from three things. You can either be glue (the victim) for the rest of your life let bad emotions stick to you, blaming everybody for the few people in your life that have cheated, wronged or hurt you in some way. You could be as green as jaded, so tough that no one can touch you. Harden by life and doomed to be alone because you can no longer trust someone enough to open you heart again. Or you could be the last thing, a sponge, an emotional sponge that is able to soak up feelings of love and good emotions and who can even absorb pain. But is flexible enough to push pain out of your life when you realise its there. Open enough to let people in but not stupid enough to allow what you don't want in your life. I know which one I am. WHich one are you?

[Ryc]

This thread gets more and more interesting as it grows. After reading through many of these posts, I guess we all know that somewhere out there, gay couples exist that don't cheat on each other. When my partner and I first got together, we met a gay couple that had been together 57 years. I guess I am from the old school that says you get married and stay married and keep monogamous. You work through your problems and commit. The term that comes to mind here for me is Emotional Intelligence.

[Movin on]

I've recently gone through the end of our 8 year LTR. Had a perfect house, Dog, were about to adopt & we traveled the world together. It was my perfect dream that became my personal 9-11. It was a total blindside & I had no clue it was coming. We had only a few dissagreements but never 1 fight in 8 years. I chaulked that up to maturity & being a good match. When others hear this they say "Well there ya go...that's the problem". Not that fights are necessary but in hindsight I think it was an indication of a need for more honest communication. What was OK for me was NOT ok for him. After over a year, an expensive & bloody legal fight, and fantasies of how to get back at him I still truly miss him. I've logged hundreds of hours thinking & debating and this is some of what I learned. 1. It's hard to "UNLOVE" some one. 2.When things are great it's like nothing in the world could ever break you apart. When things go bad...it's like nothing in the world can ever fix it. Neither is true; the truth is somewhere in the middle. Lastly, once it's all done and you realize it's over I think it's best to really appreciate all those great times and with regards to the bad times...to learn from them and then put them far away and let them go. Ultimately I learned that communication is #1. Even when it's hard don't shy away from it. Keep it fresh & compromise. Be a partner and live each day like it may be your last together. Finally dont't put off doing those special things. TALK TALK TALK!

[Cum-on-me]

This is my two cents worth...

Once a cheater...always a cheater!

Once a liar...always a liar!

Get rid of him as soon as possible. Leave and dont look back.

The hurt and pain will exist, however every day that you stay after being cheated on will only multiply the hurt and pain in days, months, years to come.

Once you have made a clean break, get rid of the things that remind you of the cheater.

Spend time with friends and family and do something that you like to do.

I know my solution sounds harsh, but do you really want to be with someone that cheated on you??? There are too many guys out there to bother with a person that does not want your love....

[JJ]

Gay men cheat at an extrodinary rate. THAT is astonishing!

I am not comparing them to straight people. If straight ppl cheated in the same amounts i've witnessed i would be equally surprised.

I am NOT saying that you can never have fideltity.

But for someone who seeks absolute truth...to deny the odds here is absurd.

If anything, by understanding the reality of this enormous challenge and to see the real nature of it can only better prepare me for it and increase my ability to spot opportunity or problems.

Kris...is totally founded in his hurt. It simply reflects what ive seen as have so many who are honest with themselves.

But I have hope that this hurt will make wise some guys and ready them to do whatever it takes to make monongamy happen.

[V ictor]

some people will never be faithful. my ex i gave him a 110 percent but it wasn't ever enough. he was sleepin with anyone and everyone for drugs and money, it seemed like he loved those things way more than he did me. it's funny now i will see him and he will say that he quit all those things knowing good and well he hasn'. I just don't understand if you dont want to be with a person break it off! it isnt that hard..

[Brandon]

I don't think this is just gay people though. So many of you our there are talking as if cheating is just a gay thing, but statistics show that on average, 74% of married, heterosexual couples cheat as well. Thats not just men either, thats on the womans side as well.

Monogamy isn't in our nature. Our genetic makeup tells us to breed, and pass on our genes to the next generation, and as many generations as possible. By trying to be monogamous, we are fighting against instinct, and thats why it is so difficult for EVERYONE to stay faithful in such a relationship. There are those that do, but they are few and far between, as monogamy is not easy.

[Abe]

wow guys ,all I have to say is that just last night I ended my relationship with my BF of 5yrs and too be honest it has been over me thinking he did or could of cheated on me ,the one thing that lead me think that way was he had a problem with staying off chat rooms and so on ,It didn't bother me that he would talk to people what bothered me was that all he could talk was about sex to ex fuck buddys and other guys, and like many of you have commented on here in a way that is cheating ,he didnt understand how that made me fill so now because of his habits we have lost 5yrs of our lives and the sades thing is that he has lost a wounderful man that loved him and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him,now I just hope to be able to move on with my life and find Mr right some day :)

[Sean]

I agreed that you must both understand what type of relationship you want at the beginning. If one of you doesnt want to have this discussion walk away it wont work. I tried to have this conversation with my ex but he refused saying it wasnt necessary. But it turns out it was very necessary and I had my heart broken a few too many times in that relationship. The stupid thing is I stayed with him until he got tired of me not trusting him and he left me...lol...

He cheated 2 times I know of and web cammed a few times while I was away on business trips. I have come to terms why he did it and now I am moving on.

Before two people commit they must set goals on how they see the relationship to work.

[rob94111]

Good column.

[cheiron55403]

Always look for signs of overcompensation.

[amitabha]

i realized that for me i needed to make changes in my life and social circles so that i could have a life set up to be monogamous since that is what i wanted. i needed a life with enough solid friendships with people i felt safe having around myself and my partner as well as to look with someone with a life i could feel good about him having as well. if both of our lives were filled with friends who could not be trusted. how could either of us ever feel safe in the relationship? if you have pirahna fish all through your tank, how can you expect to put a sweet little guppy in there and have it survive?

additionally i have found that i look for guys who are savvy enough to know that they need an element of a guard and boundaries up. guys who are not quick to be seduced by whatever is 'hot' in front of them. otherwise, can they be trusted?

does he live a substantive life? is he using sex to fulfill things that are not fulfilled in his life? has he been through therapy to work out his reactions to things? done some good self evaluation to sort through his pains in life?

to some degree cheating may still happen, but am i about love or fear? what can i do to make the guy feel loved? what can i do to understand the journey of his life and truly know him? do i want to be safe? or do i want to love and do the best i can with the journey that life can be for us all?

[rob]

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is not true. People can change if they want to, my partner and I have a series of talks, he would actually break up go out get it on, then return wanting us to work it out. After many times of this I just told him to just do it I was tired of the fighting. I was once a cheater when I was younger, but in my current relationship I was the faithful one. We are still together and we keep working it out together.

[larry collins]

This is for who ever believe people are faithful...sure u can be in love and so called trust ur mate....but what we do that is wrong is to put 100% of trust and faith in our relationships....be lead with ur brain and not not ur heart.....trust so far always keep in the back of ur mind that they do or could cheat on u.....dont play the poor is me card that is so 1990s be strong u will survive care on dont be so needy...you got older they moved on.....ce le vive....thanks u

[Joseph]

Lesson 1 all men are dogs
Lesson 2 return to lesson one

[swim_r]

Awe... if that guy in the pic at the top of the article needs a new bf, I'll wipe his tears away! He doesn't need his cheating soon to be ex!

[Brandon]

Gays cheat... bottom-line.

[b1]

I think it's interesting how many responses this article got, and the comments by said 'cris.' Whatever the reason, cheating is clearly a big issue. I do think cris has a point, namely, we have all seen really clear examples of really messed up gay men. I think it just means there is a lot of growth needed in terms of gay men and the way they have relationships.

[Theo Greene]

This advice in this article is so very skewed. This approach to the problem of cheating is trapped in a completely Heterosexual Cinderella Fantasy. Sooner or later, men need to wake up and stop expecting our partners to behave how Mom and Dad defined perfection. That might diffuse some of the anger. Scientifically, 2 Gay men are different. You are emasculating each another by forcing Heterosexual Perfection onto a union of two homosexual men.

People cheat, yes it happens all the time. But if you hold your partner up to standards that aren't sensitive to the dynamics of same sex couples, you will turn into the jilted wife and cry over and over again, and that is not how a man should behave during a crisis. I find friendship, companionship and longevity arrangements between men to be much more original and fulfilling.

[Lennie]

Chris... I pity you. I honestly do. And I think you are right about a few things. Cheating is wrong and it really is a challenge to find a gay man with morals. But to say that we are all cheating, lying, whores is probably the reason you don't find someone who is better than that. Because if that's what you expect or accuse someone of, then it is even more likely to happen. My fiance and I have been together for 6 months and someday he will be my "husband". Neither of us has or ever will cheat on the other, because we share a true love for eachother. You are sooo bitter and deluded. And as quick to judge as the bigots we are fighting against. I'm sure Fred Phelps could use another supporter. You've got about as much hate for our community (not to mention yourself) as any one of his minions. You offer just the kind of blind distrust and bigotry that they need. I honestly believe that you are a hypocrite. and that I could probably talk you into bed in less then ten minutes. You're so desperate to prove to yourself that you have "value", that you forget others around you are worth something too. So, take a chill pill. Or plan on spending eternity in your own personal lonely hell. I'm sure that you are the only person who is "perfect" enough to satisfy your own ridiculous expectations. And lastly; grow a pair! You want to talk about growing up and learning to be adults. Wipe the tears out of your eyes, change your tampon and put a little faith in someone other than yourself. you are probably the most self-absorbed and hateful person I've ever met. You deserve to be alone, not because there's no one out there good enough for you, but because you are probably the reason so many guys are the way they are. However, I will forward all my friends who are looking for a jealous, overprotective, distrusting "husband" right your way sir. Best of Luck

[Kyle]

chris/cris??? wtf... i dont honesty believe that what you are saying is what you truely believe looks to me like you're just rambling trying to validate yourself through other peoples responses...yes...people are listening and cheating isnt something that you can cattle people up by either...its a characteristic of people either its faint or blunt in each of us or not present at all and thats all there is to it...i have cheated before and now i'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend of 8 mo. he is moving in next month and i'm anticipating a long future with him as is he... =)

[Jason]

I'm suprised at how many people are suprised to read some of the posts here. First of all, I know about cheating. There has not been one single person I've been in a relationship with that didn't cheat on me in one form or the other.
I am currently in the second year of a LTR that I hope lasts for a long time, but even this man has cheated on me. I now think that I'm expecting too much if I insist on fidelity. People are weak. Ultimately, a man is going to do whatever they want to regardless of the consequences. If any of you have ever been in a relationship with an alpha-male, you know what I'm talking about. (Which I will never do again, by-the-way).

As a result of being disappointed time after time by people I wanted to trust, I now live my life nearly celibate. If the relationship I'm in ends, I will be completely celibate and single for the rest of my life rather than be subjected to the same thing again. It's easy to be discouraged, and I think I've reached the point of no return.

As to the people who are telling others here to shut up, or get over it, or stop the drama...sometimes a person comes across something that they MUST vent about. This is a perfect topic. Anyone can post what they want to. Calling other people judgemental is just you being judgemental. Which, is the ONE thing gay men do very well.

[Benjamin]

I struggled with this same issue for about two years w/my now husband of 8 yrs. Our solution- an open relationship... we're doing what everyone else does- but w/out lying about it. Plain and simple- it works for us. Perhaps not a cure-all for everyone--> I was vehemently opposed to it myself at first! Now I can have a little fun and do so without harming my spouse. Yay.

[snoopy]

well, I make it easy on myself.....I dont live by the 3 strikes your out rule...........in my book 1 strike your out game over!