He Cheated, Now What?

He cheated; now what do you do? Your heart is hurting and you start thinking of revenge. The anger and the vengeful feelings subside and you begin to cry. You now start questioning: "Why did he cheat? Was it my fault? What is wrong with me?"

Dealing with a cheating partner is not easy. Your rational mind will make quick choices but it is your heart where all the decisions ultimately will need to be made. This is about love, trust and your future.

It starts with you

You can't rush through your feelings doing this process. You are hurt and disappointed. You need to take time to feel through this situation. Allow yourself the time to heal and deal with what happened. We are sometimes too quick to say "suck it up" and move on. We want to show a brave face, but it's not the time for that.

Giving ourselves the time to "feel" what just happened allows us to clear our mind and begin thinking about the situation without our emotions controlling everything because we suppressed them or tried to hide them. Emotions are not a sign of weakness; they show us we are strong and allow people into our hearts.

It's time to talk

After you have had the time and space to feel through the situation, it is time for the two of you to talk. You spent time together, and it is important to have a conversation so you can be honest with each other and have all those questions in your head answered. You know your mind will come up with tons of questions about the situation and drive you insane with your made-up answers. It is much easier to get the answers from the person involved.

This conversation allows you to gather all the information you need from your partner about the situation, how you feel and where the two of you are.

Now it's back to you

Now you return to decide what happens next. This is not a decision to be made together; it is a decision you will make alone.

If your partner wants to be with you, you need to decide if you want to be with him. Do not allow your friends or family share their advice or opinions with you. This is your life and you have to live with your choice. There is no guarantee he will not cheat again. You also can not punish him for what he did. You have to decide if there is a strong enough love to allow you to forgive and move on together. It's all about forgiveness.

If your partner no longer wants to be with you or you choose not to be with him anymore, you need to think about how you are going to move through the breakup. What boundaries are you going to set? (No contact, emails only, who moves out and when, etc.) What support do you need to make this transition smooth?

I can't tell you if you should stay with him or if you should leave. This choice is yours and only you can make it in the end.

Do I believe all gay men cheat? NO.
Do I believe "once a cheater, always a cheater?" NO.
Do I believe relationships can't survive after an affair? NO.
Do I believe in love? YES, and I know you do, too.

This is not an easy subject to talk about. It is very personal for all of us and based on all of our own experiences and perspectives. I would love for you to share your positive support for others on this topic. What tips can you share to help someone dealing with being cheated on?

(Photo: Getty Images)

Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Hal]

i wish i had this advice when i was dealing with my first partner who cheated on me. During our 'sit-downs' my wrecked emotional self did all the talking, and by talking i mean yelling. Looking back, i realise how immature i was in handling the situation..

do i believe once a cheater, always a possibility of a repeat? i have no reason not to believe so, as he continued to do the same with the rest of his relationships. Leaves little to wonder why i loathe cheaters; i believe that if you want to cheat, do urself and ur partner justice and break it off before

[Chris]

Are you kidding me? This is the never ending story that always happens some guys cover their tracks better then others. But none of you have ever been faithful you're all whore. Whats the point of having a commitment if all of you have open relationships and whore around with everything that crawls. None of you have any morals no values you hold nothing sacred all of you think with your dick and 99% of the time the sex wasn't even that good. Trust me I know. Why do you cheat? Ask yourself do you really care about what you have and share with someone or are you that big of a sick fuck that you can't keep your pants on. Kissing sucking and fucking just the thought of being with another person is cheating ... Get a fucken clue none of you have what it takes to be a man you're all flaming faggots running around with your heads chopped off. We as gay people don't have gay families no one to teach us what it means to have a partner which is your family tear your family apart and have a fony relationship. You basically want someone to pay your bills while you continue to run around like a child with no responsiblities. Grow the fuck up and maybe you'll know what it means to have true love in your life. I haven't met a man yet and It saddens me and makes me angry that none of you not one have the balls to be a real man

[Drew]

You'd be lucky to get the person who cheated on you to have a conversation with you. However, this article brings up a good point. Questions should be answered, and the ones left unanswered are vulnerable to hasty assumptions. I think it is the "cheater's" responsibility to make the effort to answer these questions as its the least he can do after breaking trust in the relationship.

[Tom]

Chris) You should look in your own heart and ask yourself why you do not have partner! I do believe you have that answer but afraid to see the truth.

[Cris]

You're comments only tell me how old you are and how naive you are. I used to be open minded like all you morons are until enough is enough. It takes a long time to have morals and values by they time someone develops them they're too old to go out and date people. I watched and observed and experienced it. All of you cheat even those of you that are so monogamous. I can't even count the number of times I've been approached by a person that "says don't tell my lover" and I basically just did them an hour before the other half gets home from work. Hmmm sloppy sex for lover is kind of gross don't you think.

[Your Cheating Heart]

Cheating happens because people don't communicate, and/or people lie. And I'm NOT talking about the couple as a unit. The "cheater" can only Cheat if he's got a willing "cheatee" (new word!) Those men willing to have sex with a man they know is already in a relationship allow and otherwise enable the cheating to happen. The 'cheatee' has no more respect for the innocent partner than the cheater does. If Gay men would show a small amount or respect for others' relationships there would be far less cheating happening in the flesh, it would all have to be a wild fantasy.

[Cris]

I have looked into my heart and saw what I want and what I need. I'm single for a reason. None of you can fill the shoes of being my husband. A gay man that can keep me content is almost impossible. I don't ask for anything the only thing I ask for is honesty and friendship before I consider committing to someone. If you can't be my friend you cant be honest with me and I know that more then half of all your friends are people you had sex with in the past or present time. I try to keep an open mind but there's always going to be someone better no matter what and what happens when your bf breaks up with you for that person they think was better then you. The come crawling back because they realize what they lost. I wont give anyone the time of day unless they earned it. But even then I still know they'll cheat. I may be alone now I would feel more alone with a cheating lover. I refuse to get involved with someone until I have no doubt in my mind and even then I know they would still cheat. Its not a matter of trust issues I know who I am and I know what I want its that person that thinks they love me I question. I wont commit to someone unless they follow the proper steps of winning my heart because eventually that man will be my family not just my lover he would be my husband. None of you know what that is because you still running around like little children living and endless life of Adolescent behavior. Will you people ever grow up. Most of you are past your 40's and still haven't grown up. It leaved my dreams of having a simple and normal life with someone bleek.

[tyler]

I think the gay male has a lot to learn in general when it comes to building strong relationships with each other. We want same sex marriage, but the majority don't respect relationships, and anything under three months is dating, not a relationship. I'm speaking in generalizations of course, as their are those that this does not apply to.

[jj]

Most gay men do cheat. Only a few don't. Accepting this makes it easier to find someone of character, since they are only a few and should stick out.

[Ryan]

I don't think that all men cheat however I have had my share of shameless so called partners that could lie with the best of them. I lost a 3 bedroom home that I had worked so hard for only to lose it because the now ex couldn't keep his pants on and now he's sick and living at home with his parents. I'm glad it was the mortgage I lost instead of my health. I've had an extremely hard time with trust issues since then and have yet to find someone responsible enough to respect the "relationship" and everything else that goes with it....bills, etc. My expectations are extremely high now because of the ex and 2 subsequent others that I have a zero tolerance for liars and cheaters. I would rather continue to be alone than to have to go thru the emotional turmoil of someone that has no respect for themselve and much less for the relationship.

[Mojave]

This Chris kid is really f****d up in the head, he will never have a relationship or husband as he put it....Who would ever want to be with someone like that? Imagine being a relationship with this kid and from day one he "KNOWS" you are going to cheat.... Anyone here like to try it out? I think not! Might as well give up and date yourself since thats the only person you can trust, just make sure you moisturize your hands every night cause you want to keep them soft, they're your asshole LOL Give it up and stop complaining, not everyone cheats and if you're here saying that everyone is a whore and cheats then you must be one of those people. Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and im 27 years old so it is possible to find people who are there for the long haul not just some fling or one night stands....We met online and talked online without meeting for about a year, met one day for a movie and from then on its been all up hill....I now live with him and couldnt see my life without him....So for those of you who dont have trust issues like this kid Chris, no worries there is still time....

[Kenny]

I feel where all of you are coming from. Ive been in a 9 month relationship now with a guy i truly adore. He cheated on me 1 time that i know of about 4 months into our relationship and after that it was very rocky for us. We have been living together now for about 4 months and its been wonderful. I have no doubt in my mind now that he is being faithful to me. But still in the back of my mind i always think that there is a possiblity that he could be cheating without me knowing but i just tell myself until i find out im going to trust him. And thats all you really can do....

[Joey]

Ok, some of y'all need to stop the nonsense. Just look at the divorce rate and the number of kids out of wedlock. NOT to put the blame on another sex...but stop trying to make it seem as its only gays. Cris....Your post was very chastising and does nothing. You dont come and tread over some people like that. I done had my bad share of relationships also. They havent worked out. No need to hate everyone. I was like that at one point, but after awhile you see that sometimes, you're glad that relationship didnt work out because you wouldnt of met the next person who was even more wonderful than the last guy you cried over. Stop crying.

[Warder456]

Chris, the fact that you mention you're one of the guys that have knowingly had sex with these cheaters, puts you in the same category and makes you a hypocrite.
Some people may even decide that is even more loathsome, as not only does someone like that have no respect for other's relationships, but also lack respect for themselves. The source of your anger is quite obvious and apparent, but it doesn't look like you realize it.

[Warder456]

Joey, I completely agree. Infidelity is not something exclusive to homosexuals.

[Joey]

I'm curious as to how many partnered men have profiles on web site and actually hook up. Is it just for validation or are they actually hooking up. My partner has a profile up and I don't know what to think, although he says he's not looking for sex. However, a friend of mine chatted with my partner on line (my partner didn't know it was my friend) and my said all kinds of things like how he wanted to hook up, meet him in a different city...etc. Does anyone have experience here?

[Mark]

Cris, I am not clear after reading your posts. Did you ever have a bf? Sounds like you haven't. So how would you know what it feels like to be cheated on? Sounds like you have more sex with guys that are in relationships, than not. And you keep referring to the term 'husband'. I am not sure what planet, let alone state you are from, but Prop 8 passed. Maybe MA and CT will follow, thus leaving you 'husband-less' forever. Which may not be a bad thing. Just don't come knocking on my door crying you've never been loved. You're attitude speaks clearly. I will say this, best wishes to you.....you need it (and some!)

[FeralCatt]

Agreed. Cris, you must have gotten your heart broken pretty bad. I offer my condolences.

With that said, I have to make a couple of comments. First, you are using universal statements--saying that ALL of something do x is a pretty good indicator that you may be projecting onto others. I didn't break your heart, and I don't appreciate being lumped into that category.

Next, as a monogamous guy, your comments equate open relationships with cheating. There is a difference. Monogamy or nonmonogamy are both valid and honest relationship models--if (and only if) both sides agree to the terms. Cheating happens when those rules are violated. If you and your partner agreed to monogamy, then an outside fling IS cheating. But if you assumed monogamy and your partner assumes nonmonogamy AND YOU DON'T ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT IT, then you're both at fault because you didn't clearly state your expectations. Nobody is a mindreader, so we have to resort to words.

I feel your pain, Cris/Chris. And I hope that you can grow through it to find the strength to be assertive about your relationship needs in the future. Grow strong, not bitter.

Sarva Mangalam!

[callman]

Once a cheater always a cheater. And is it your fault your husband cheated on you? NO for the FIRST time. If it happens again it is because you enabled him to do it to you again. It is called cheating for a reason, it is not honest. If a guy is not satisfied with his partner, he needs to be honest and find a new partner.

[Brian]

Cris is someone I can totally sympathize with. I'm lucky i have a straight friend who love to beat the crap out of people. He always has a talk with the guys i'm dating seriously and tells them what will happen to them if they cheat on me. And guess what? Most of them leave the country after that conversation! So what can you do? Most gays are obviously not afraid to catch AIDS since barebacking is prevelant as it was in the 70s. I have no intention of getting AIDS and I dont have a lot of sympathy for cheaters who give it to their husbands/boyfriends. Way to Cris!!! This queers need a kick in the rear of the reality of HIV spreading today!

[Ty]

As someone who almost lost the love of my life because of cheating, let me tell you...nothing feels worse than having to tell your man that you cheated on him...just behind that is knowing your man cheated on you and lied to your face about it.

These are some ways we dealt with it all:
1) TALK, even if it means bitter words you'll regret later.
2) LISTEN to each other. This doesn't mean just hearing what they're saying, but actually understanding and listening to them.
3) SPACE from each other...give yourself the time you need to be by yourself and just think about what's been going on.
4) RETURN to talk about it again, once you're calm and rational. Here is where, if you feel like it needs to happen, you vow not to do it again, or say it's over.

Above all, just remember that you both are human. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Also, because of cheating on BOTH our parts, we've started to look at a threesome relationship, and see how that works for us. Nothing yet, but we're definitely keeping our eyes peeled.

[Eric]

Young man, I know you are angry. And I don't know why. I won't guess or ask.

But, you have to keep looking to find what you want. It may take a while. But at least you are trying.

It took a long time to come to terms with my sexuality. I then had a brain tumor. It laid me out for a long time. I lost of things. Sex is now something I plan everytime I take one of 21 pills. I am tired. I have less energy. And I could have a relapse at any time.

I am alone and regret my time that I was afraid. I regret being so judgmental. I regret my life in a way that I hope you never will. It is easy to get discouraged. Or to see only one type of a person all around you. I am sure there is someone who feels monogamous pull you do. I hope you meet him soon.

But not everyone is where you are at. Everyone "grows up" in there own time. I'll pray for you that you can find some happiness.

[Ryc]

I think people cheat because of flawed values and low self-esteem and I tend to believe more people will cheat than will admit it. My thought however is why be in a mongamous relationship if you want to play around. There are plenty of people who want to date, and not necessarily be exclusive.

It took me many years to find a partner I was compatible with long-term. I was in a wonderful relationship for ten years and the thought of cheating never entered my mind or my partner's. Had he not passed suddenly, I am sure we would have continued to maintain a monogamous existence.

It disgusts me to see how many people enter into monogamy only to drop their pants at the first opportunity. It also disgusts me that there are so many gay men that after being told by a trick that they are cheating on their lover will still hop in the sack for a quickie anyway and I won't even begin to get into the discussion on the number of down-low married men out here trying to pick up.

[Cris]

The Fact that I did sleep with a couple people that were in a relationships was stupid. I guess when I'm single I can care less and I know I don't plan on going any further with that person. I can admit I have done some things I'm not proud of. But I'm single I can care less I'm not the one thats destroying what they boast they value to save face. After a while someone almost begs you to do them its hard to say no. The person that should be held accountable is not me because I am single. It wasn't me constantly putting the moves on them. I do respect other people and their relationships. The only reason why I brought that up is because even these guys that boast about having this wonderful monogamous relationships are full of crap. Those of you that disagree with me are basically whores and you know it!!! I would love to see you put your lover in a perspective as being your husband making that your family. You can't because none of you have that concept in your heads. You have no morals and no Family values. I'm gay so that only means my family is going to be a man. You morons have no concept of family because you're all about sex. Betraying that person you are supposed to love with all your heart and soul just to see that you people live for the orgasm and the moment. You don't see that relationships are not always peaches and cream that doesn't merit that idiot for fucking the first hot ass that walks by. You must live in California. All I had to do was look out the window and smile and their was breakfast. You just want to justify yourselves by making me look like an asshole when in reality I'm speaking the truth. I'm talking about you!!! Why the hell would someone consider being in a relationship if they can't trust themselves enough to keep their pants on. You're all looking for someone to pay your bills have sex with and disappear when you done. Life doesn't revolve around a male whore that can't be honest and admit that he's a good for nothing disloyal whore. No I would rather wait for that right person. I turn everyone down for a reason. They can't be trusted. I'm not going to invest my feelings and sacrifice everything I worked hard for so this habitual lying whore that makes a living off of divorcing men so he can take half of everything I worked hard for so he can spread his legs for every guy in town. This whole relationship thing between gay people has become a profession. Its worse on the West Coast then the east coast. I don't see people falling in love I see people just falling love with sex until reality slaps them in the face and they cant handle it anymore because now they have to work to keep the relationship together. No you go ahead and call me names make yourself feel better but I think everything I said hit home because you're the whore I'm describing. People like you have no concept of family and gee we're fighting for marriage rights. Its people like you that give gay men a bad name. You're the cheating whore I'm describing. So camouflage your own self by calling me names. So you are the person I'm addressing. When I'm single my own faithful value is to myself. When I'm committed you wouldn't see me go anywhere without my lover. That person is my best friend why would I not want to be with him. But you people don't even know how to develop a relationship. Your profession is being whores and seeing what you get from the divorce.

[D. Duane C.]

WOW!!! Some very interesting comments out there...
Was with a guy for 7 1/2 yrs, and he slept with about a 100 guys in the last yr of our relationship. And, granted when we talked, he said he felt like I didnt care about him anymore and he was trying to get my attention. Well, it was kinda the wrong way to do it, cuz I lost complete and total interest, and I eventually left him when I got the self-esteem to do so and not care about what other people thought. Granted he was 10yrs older than I and felt like he was too "old" and I would eventually leave him. But...my thoughts...exactly why I chose to be with him...thought he had gone through the stage of life where playing around was over...oh well...Its been just over 2yrs, havent been with/touched/thought about another guys and I am just getting interested in dating again...I cant say it is easy...but, hey, I know there is an OUT gay guy out there, somewhere and eventually I am going to meet the Right Dude! I just know it...
I may have only had two serious relationships and both ended with the other cheating (and btw with less than 10 guys in my life), but they lasted yrs, and they taught me alot of things about myself, and what I want in a relationship...Straights cheat on each other all the time too...the only difference I would suggest is women play a huge factor and Men are prevalent to sleeping around and getting off...just the way it is...and then put two Men together...well, u know what happens...I figure u just gotta find the kind of guys out there who are not that way, and dont want to be that way, and being OUT makes a HUGE difference...The gay community in general really needs to start supporting and looking after each other, and being more Real! This would really change the way the world in general and the gay world itself would actually see things...
In my 30's now, but I am still going to meet that guy, get married and have kids...and live the rest of my life with him...I am sure there will be problems, every relationship does and we will work it out...but I definitely know what I want now, and what I will and wont tolerate, and the things I can do differently when trying to meet that guy and make the relationship work...
Guys - to the ones who have it, hope they know what they really have...if they're not happy, get out of it... The ones who rnt yet jaded, dont allow urselves to be taken in by all the crap around u! And, the ones who were cheated on...just like in the article...give urself some time, to hurt, get mad, hurt some more, and then deal with it (and urself) and move on! Theres no point in blaming urself and him, and the rest of the world forever - cuz that is exactly where u will stay.........

[Joey]

Brian, great way to keep a man! Introduce them to your gangsta friends on the 1st date. yea, and I'll be sure to tell them, its ok to cheat on me but you better use a condom. Because if you dont and I catch something while in a monogamous with you, Youre dead. I wish it was that easy but its not. There's no way to really make anyone do anything and they'll just end up leaving getting scared. RYC...you say how many gay men? well believe me prostitution was done by women far more than gay men and I'm sure those women knew they were married. This whole, 'gay guys will do this' is very chastising and misleading to think, that if we become a str8 male or str8 woman or lesbian, no one will do these things to us. They are human (animal) and capable!

[Joey]

I cant read this stuff anymore by cris...its just downright upsetting. He is madder than the maddest mad, and even madder than that

[Brian]

Hey Joey, its a messy business out there. Better to have them scared and let them die on their own than they take me down with them. You can live within the gay status quo or write your own rules. Personally I prefer to be healthy

[Cris]

I guess I have to admire those people in open relationships. They know they can't trust themselves being with one guy. So being in an open relationship justifies that fact that you're an honest whore spreading aids and all disease with and empty conscience. And those of you that say You're in a monogamous relationship stop fucken hitting on the hot twinks or the muscle boy. You are the one boasting your monogamy aren't you. You know what I'm talking about. It was always you buying me drinks at the bar to get me drunk so I'd fuck you. You never did that when you boy friend was around but what even more screwed up is that your bf did the same thing when you weren't around. All of you are liars. I've been out for a very long time and I experienced just about everything. It sounds like I'm bitter I know it does but really I'm not. I chose who I want to be around and the next drink that gets sent to me by one of you lying cheaters will be poured on your head. Save Face portray an image you want people to think your something your not. Guys like me know the truth. You're the guys that have been together for 20 some odd years and no you never cheated even though I just did you both when the other wasn't around. When I'm single I don't need to look at my lover feeling guilty. Its not my fault you don't love your lover sexually. You people are only together because its convienant and because you both invested too much money together. After that its no longer a spouse no its a business partner. I used to like getting free drinks at the bar so I didn't care. I wasn't cheating on the love of my life You were.You guys can toss this around and justifiy whatever you want but what's being hidden here is the truth. You're teaching our young kids to be whores like you and guess what they're all dying of aids because guys like you taught them it was ok just as long as the other one don't find out or the subject doesn't come up. All you guys make me sick. You're trying to justify your short comings. You cheated there's no grey area here. You did or you didn't. You want to lie and make everything look good because your the gay pillor of the community. Here's my sledge hammer I'm tearing you down. Its because of you that our young kids learn how to be whores. Now 1 in 5 kids is HIV negative. Let me ask you how many of your friends are still alive? Not many you're willing to admit to. You monogamous gay pillers are teaching our kids how to be whores and not how to be family. All of this bullshit stems from every direction if I felt like writing more I would be glad to point out you characters. Stop lying and get real. You're the one thats miserable not me. I'm just stating a fact and you can't handle the truth.

[john]

Cris/Chris, go to HELL, you are a judgmental little prig! What gives you the right to judge? Unless you have tried being in a relationship, you can't, and I seriously doubt that you ever have been judging by your attitude, and who would want you in the first place? Certainly not me, someone who is a man and knows what he wants out of life. I have been in relationships and never been cheated on and I never cheated. Hell I am even still friends with a few of my ex's. Only reason we separated is because we were headed in 2 different directions. I don't feel for you like some guys do, I think you are pathetic and will waste away alone and miserable because that is who you are, you won't change, so have fun being by yourself and continuing to grow even more miserable and old than you already are you pathetic little loser.

[lllllll]

Life is cruel, vicious and no fairy-tales. Too bad, you just have to get over it and deal with it. That's what I constantly tell myself. So, I share it with you all.

[Joey]

This is just too much drama for a Friday night, God! This morning was drama, this afternoon was drama, tonight is drama!

[Cris]

It does sound like I'm bitter. I'm just stating facts that taught me to be the person I am today. I still managed to keep my innocence after all these years. I think its because I was always honest and I only allowed people I loved and cared about in my life. My early 20's was the most difficult time. I didn't know who I was and I didn't know the true ugliness that the gay community was shoving down our kids throat. Kids want acceptance and they want to be around people with money and credentials. Thats who taught all my friends and thats why almost all of my friends are dead. I was the trophy wife I never had to fight for anything and if I wanted something I earned it on my own so no one can take it away from me. I never allowed myself to be completely dependant on you so called pillars teaching our kids to live destructive lives. Well now they're all dead none of them were smart enough to kick your asses to the curb. I miss everyone. You walk in my city and its more of a ghost town because no one cared about each other. There was no sense of family it was each man for himself and sex was the killer. No I'm not bitter I'm sad because its the same thing everywhere you go now. Everywhere was the same as the last place I assume some are worse then others. No I'm not bitter I'm disappointed.

[CowboyCoach]

Infidelity is not uncommon in committed relationships, either heterosexual or homosexual. It is estimated that the majority of long term committed relationships will have to deal with either physical or emotional infidelity at some point. It is not the question of "if" it occurs, but when it occurs, how the relationship emerges from the pain. Remember, there is never growth in life without pain. The ability to forgive transgression is the "glue" in permanent committed relationships

[cris]

I guess some of you are wondering. Starting from the age of 18 I had 2 husbands and 4 boy friends and all the mess in between given 20 or so years. My longest was 7 years shortest was 1 year.

[cris]

I guess my point is the majority of gay men need to get their priorities in order. I watched too much Drama and been to too many funerals because what ever son of a bitch couldn't keep his pants on and the so called pillars of our community taught all you to be trailor trash. Thats one less funeral I want to attend. So john you're a major whore because you don't know any better. Get a fucken clue and maybe I wont be at your funeral

[Joseph]

I Knew my boyfriend had a sexual compulsive problem.
He told me he is not satified with our sex. And that he can't stop having sex with other men.
It really hurts but I need time to decide what to do.
Do I really want to mabye catch something from him?
Do I want an open relationship?
Something i've never done.
UGH.

[cris]

Joseph I know you love your boy friend but your love for him may be the death of you. Sometimes you have to let go no matter how much you love someone. Its just going to lead you down a path of self destructive pain. If hormones can cost you your life. Sex is a great thing but its not worth risking your life because he can't keep his pants on. It sounds like he is forcing you to decide to be in an open relationship and because you're questioning it only means that your heart is being torn to shreds. Sometimes you have to be strong and let go. Thats the hardest thing to do is letting go of someone you love in a one sided relationship. Be his friend and not his enemy and by doing that is letting go but keeping him in your life but not having unsafe sex. Condums are not 100% or they can break do you want to risk your life because of one man's overactive selfdestructive sex drive

[jaxmikefla]

What? do you guys want to be women? stay home and wait for your man to give you "what you need" ??? grow up..you are GAY men..have a real RELATIONSHIP..that means sharing and growing together no matter what..its like unconditional love..ever hear of it?? Even if you think its "gross" or "stupid" to have outside relationships..deal with it!! maybe you should just get a dog and keep him in the house so he wont "leave you"..booo hoooo

[jaxmikefla]

What? do you guys want to be women? stay home and wait for your man to give you "what you need" ??? grow up..you are GAY men..have a real RELATIONSHIP..that means sharing and growing together no matter what..its like unconditional love..ever hear of it?? Even if you think its "gross" or "stupid" to have outside relationships..deal with it!! maybe you should just get a dog and keep him in the house so he wont "leave you"..booo hoooo

[Ben Cheated On]

Cheaters are just slime balls, end of discussion. No need for a lengthy discussion. If you are naive as I was in the day then I feel for you. It is the most devastating circumstance in ones' life.

[BrodyR]

Wow. A mighty intense comment thread. I've had 4 boyfriends. 3 of which (the first three) cheated on me. The fourth, we broke up after 3 months because I ended up moving for university, and we both didn't believe in long distance relationships, but we're still really good friends. Now, I am on the fence on whether I should empathize with Cris, or pity him. I'm still young. My first sexual partner was my 4th boyfriend, and I only had one other sexual partner since him. (Safe sex both times, no worries). Some days, I question myself with having 3 different men find it necessary to lie to my face about cheating. I feel compelled to lump all the other gay men in the world into one category, just like Cris. But then I remember, its this kind of categorizing that cause hatred, then war and then genocide. So I don't bother. So... does that make me a whore Cris? I'm out, I rarely go to gay bars, and I certainly don't hook up. (the second sexual partner was a friend who was in the same boat as myself. We were both starved for company, and sorta let out emotions get the best of us. Was only a one time thing. We felt awkward after and both said never again.) And, yes, once a cheater, always a cheater. When you feel compelled to lie once, you will again. Forgiveness is nice, but there's a fine line between forgiving or just being naive.

I really think some of you are putting way too much energy into this simple blog. We have to realize everyone's tactics for this issue are quite different. I personally think the ideas given in the blog are too soft. If he breaks your trust once, you kick the bugger to the curb. If it's a divorce situation, your in the right. They cheated, they broke a lawful contract, they won't be taking half of what you own, like Cris seems so fond of implying. Although, I really think what Brian did was quite cowardly. I myself am one of those people who like to beat the shit out of others who hurt myself or my friends. But to knowingly take a boyfriend to your violent friend, to purposely scare him into being faithful is just downright cowardice.

All I can say to Cris is, you obviously have had way more years on this planet than I have. And it sucks about your track record. But, I don't think your ever going to find that right some one. You will always be judging them, LOOKING for the slightest thing wring with them, to make them not worthy. In the back of your mind, you WANT something to be wrong with the Gay population, so that you can explain to yourself WHY all your relationships went south like they did. I know, I myself have done it. Which is why I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years.
So, I haven't really taken a stance for or against all of you, because you are all wrong. But that doesn't mean what I say is right. It's all about what you think. How YOU handle the situation. But the one thing I think is wrong is clumping everyone together because of ones own personal experiences. You might as well say all African-Americans are free loaders, just because you encountered one Black hoomeless man asking for money on the street.

[Arthur Graves]

First get tested. Just becouse he was NEG when you meet. Dose not mean he still is. If he willing to cheat he willing to play unsafe. Then talk about it. Have him answer why he cheated and with who too. If you know why it may be able to stop it before it happen again. And the knowing may help you deside if you still want to be together.

[Damian (djg_1972)]

Very interesting article. My only comment is that the tear in the photo would probably look more real if it was coming diretly from the tear duct rather than the other side of the eye! :-)

[Joey]

Maybe his tear ducts are on the other side...

[biff]

I agree with the one gentlemen that said it was a flaw in the partner - it usually is his insecurity in himself that sends him out for reassurrances for his self esteem. i had an 8 year relationship breakdown over this situation. We tried couples theraphy, single theraphy - we did the sit down talks and the conversations always came back to "him" and " his needs" - never an "ours". It sorta of made me realize that i was dealing with a selfish, self absorbed child at times and I started to treat it that way until I realized I was enabling him .. then in "our talks" I tried to set guidelines but you know what?? It was too late!! I agree with the gentleman that said the conversations should start in the beginning of the relationship - set the guidelines or rules clearly out there and then there wont be confusion as to what is cheating and /or the limitations to outside activity ( if you so choose to have that). If you can't both decide on the guidelines its a hint of future problems!!

At the same time I think our gay society doesnt truely respect LTR for what they are!! I cant tell you how many times I have been hit on by friends partners and the times I have played around with guys only to find out that they are partnered!! I never knowingly went with someone that was in a relationship - I couldnt due to what happened to me in mine!

I also believe that the internet and this site infact, leads to problems when not monitored or the couples activities here are agreed on. My one ex was constantly in the chat rooms and hitting on guys, guys hitting on him - I even witnessed a conversation about him in the chat room once!! lol - it was brought up in "our conversations" but he argued his privacy was being invaded and not respected - how i ask you - when all I am doing is signing on and a messanger program pops up that I didnt even know about and a guys thanks him for earlier and said he was trying to call him!!

I think it is truely a subjective situation , dealing with each individual. Lets face it we all come from various backgrounds and upbringings - as a result we have different ideas or understandings of events and activities. Thats why I wish guys would take more time to get to know each other before jumping into a relationship - maybe through early conversations hardships can be avoided!!

[Gregory - iconicscooter (gay.com)]

This is not the reality someone likes hearing: he didn't cheat.

You weren't paying attention, your observations of his behavior which were indicators of his distraction from you to someone else. It was there, however subtle or small.

Relationships only do two things: move toward one another or away from one another, each personal choice by each person determines the direction.

We want to rationalize the (-) column to the (+) column because of our own self-interests, whatever those may be: his looks, his money, your insecurity, whatever.

It's no one's fault; he chose someone else: that's the message.

You can't take it personal, unless you like to be victimized.

[john]

chris/cris I have a clue... I am clean and have never been cheated on... so sorry you have... but guess what... you should really stop putting your shit off on everyone else... I have had 4 sexual partners and each have been within the bounds of a relationship... seeing that I have been single for over 3 years now... safe to say I'm not gonna die unless I have a car accident, god forbid. even if I did die you wouldn't be at my funeral... seeing that you wouldn't be in my circle of friends... and as for me being a major whore for dating and being with only one person at a time... i don't think so.... you seem to be the whore seeing that you are the one who fucks guys you know are in a relationship... you know what say what you want you aren't worth anybodies time

[Donovan]

Very interesting topic one of my close friends are going through this - I'm glad I found it to pass it along.

Seems like reading through all the comments there's a lot of mixed emotion attached to this. I can say for a fact I have never cheated nor been cheated on (or slept with someone in a relationship).

That being said it's not just gay men that cheat - straight men cheat, straight women cheat, bi men cheat ... yeah the list goes on EVERY person has the "possibility" of cheating but that doesn't mean it has the "guarantee" of cheating.

Even though you've been hurt if you spend the rest of your life trying not to get hurt you'll stop living and start dying. Being hurt is a part of life and if you take the risk you will find that being happy is a part of life too. If you're that paranoid that you think everyone and every thing is out to get you - I would invest in some professional help (because I would if it was me).

If sex was kept in the relationship and kept where it belongs such tags as "whore" wouldn't exist. Too much promiscuity is the root of most problem relationships - especially if a single person has the habit of getting tired of a person they've been sleeping with after a few weeks they try to get into a relationship - yeah you guessed it, it wouldn't work out so well. On the flip side if you "save" yourself for that special person coming along in your life rather than "getting satisfied" along the way - how much more committed will you be when you find Mr. Right?

[Tony]

I like how you put it "Getting Satisfied" as if it was a thanks giving turkey of sex.