Dating Bradford: Straight to Voicemail

The phone rang four times before his well-known message played out to its inevitable beep.
“Hey Handsome it’s Bradford,” I began with the familiarity of a telemarketer, “Since you never answer my calls, and mysteriously get MY voicemail on all your diligent returns, I’m going to venture that you’re using the ‘return message’ feature, rather than the ‘call return’ option. That’s the #2 button instead of the 8 but you know this, and with a little Sherlock Holms action on my part, so do I.

You see, I always think it strange that it never rings when you call, only the voicemail chime letting me know your message is waiting. The time stamp on your last incoming placed you right in the middle of ‘Extreme Home Make-Over,’ and although I tend to dodge calls during a particularly tear-jerking episode, I would have picked up for you. That’s how much I like you.

I’m not complaining, I find it intriguing that I’ve come to know so much about your busy life from your long voicemails. From the plot line of the indie film you saw at New Fest, to your hectic travel itinerary, or the inadequate laundry facilities in your building. I share it all. You’re like my virtual boyfriend and yet you sound so different over the airwaves; so deeply masculine and mysterious - it’s practically role-play. ‘Who is this person’ I think, if your subdued salutation of, ‘It’s me’ doesn’t connect my dots until you start in on a detergent story.

Don’t get me wrong I love sharing your week, albeit it electronically, but it would be nice to actually speak in real-time on occasion. So call me when you get a chance, a real call this time okay? Bye for now.”

For three years I’d been trying to date him, and although we manage an occasional spur-of-the-moment dinner rendezvous, we’ve not yet gotten naked or gone past a goodbye kiss. This is not because I haven’t tried, but he’s slippery. Sly at hopping out of taxis while stopped at red lights, or sliding out the subway doors with a quick peck on the lips before an unexpected exit.

One could say he wasn’t into me, but in person it’s clear we share an undeniable spark. Even in our mutual long-winded voicemails there is a sort of warmth I suppose. The kind of warmth you get listening to the mundane details of the life of someone you care about. It makes me smile listening to the same trivialities I heard a month ago, when last he called.

One could venture he’s a slow mover and I’d have to agree; three years in vague courtship would make even George Bush seem quick. One could also suggest that he’s stringing me along until he figures out how he feels about me. This is likely, although I seem to be okay with his pace since I’m quite fond of him and it’s not like I’m waiting around. I keep trying to date other guys – any guys… Anyone? Anyone? (Insert cricket noises here.)

While phone tag can be annoying, I find his presence comforting. Having him on speeddial feels as if I’m not totally alone in my dating life. Perhaps he feels the same way. Many boys have come and gone since first we met and he’s always there waiting to resume our phone relationship. Maybe it’s enough for us.

Our voicemail affinity is concrete in its’ vagueness. He's more cyber-real than all the Email back n fourths I’ve shared with Internet blind dates. At least I’ve seen him in person and he still calls back. Plus we have the added convenience of not getting annoyed at each other’s schedules, habits, or sexual hang-ups. Maybe this is the future of dating?

It seems normal these days to hide behind telecommunications, be it voicemail, email, or texts. The inherent distance that comes with such elusive ruses is almost secondary to the convenience factor. When was the last time anyone answered their phone when they were really busy at work? And when was the last time anyone wasn’t really busy doing the jobs of three people in our downsized economy? No one has time to talk.

I seem to be of the cellular minority by answering my phone whenever it rings. Be it mid-stream over the toilet bowl (lost three phones that way) or clogging the earpiece with shampoo (two more), I panic if I miss a call. Perhaps that’s just me, as most of the urban world seems to operate from cyberspace.

Is it as romantic to get a heartfelt smiley face icon in a text message, as it is to receive a long-stem rose delivered via FTD? Oddly, many guys would prefer the text. A real gift comes with too many expectations. “What does he mean by that?” We may ask ourselves. God forbid we should ever receive a personalized card in the – dare I say it – mail. “What the fuck?” We might say, “After one date this guy sends me a handwritten letter… TO MY HOME? He’s way too into me.”

I’m not exaggerating; this mindset is common.

In an Internet world of Facebook “pokes,” online chat rooms, and text messaging, have our personal connections become electronically aloof? How much of our modern relationships should be physical rather than virtual? How do we know when it’s time to make a phone call, and why is it scarier than allowing someone to see our “private pics?”

When trying to date a new beau I ask you: With mutual goals to share mealtimes, at what point should communication become real-time?

(Photo: Mandy Ward)

Comments

[sfahringer]

role-play is spelled with an E

[gayincoconutgrove]

Bradford, he's slippery because he's slick and hiding something (or maybe someone). As Dan Savage would say: DTMFA.

[Matt]

I don't usually read the articles on this website, but this one caught my eye as I am kind of going through the same situation. It makes me wonder what people did before cellphones and AOL. In some ways, I feel I am a slave to my electronic devices - my heart races when my phone rings...hoping he is calling or texting me (only to find out it's my mom!) Randomly I'll get a message, but then that is it. Our weekly "dates" seem to have vanished, and I live his life vicariously through Facebook - one would think he's not into me, but like you, I don't mind waiting...mainly because apparently nobody else is remotely interested.

Thanks for writing something relative on this website.

[gary]

It appears that gay men wanna do what they want and not bother with communicating.

Several times with boyfreinds apparently I was supposed to be the mindreader.

As far as I am concerned, relationships are effort and few gay men want to bother putting in the effort.

Only a small percentage want it the rest want someone to sleep with and cheat with everyone else.....

[cheiron55403]

Gay Men are notorious at communication. Instead of being honest most just ignore you hoping you get the hint.

[HT]

It appears that gay men wanna do what they want and not bother with communicating.

Several times with boyfreinds apparently I was supposed to be the mindreader.

As far as I am concerned, relationships are effort and few gay men want to bother putting in the effort.

Only a small percentage want it the rest want someone to sleep with and cheat with everyone else.....

Posted by: gary | November 28, 2008 at 06:09 PM
---

Sad but true.

And it's no wonder why attempts at civil rights and all that are knocked down. Our community needs to find a mirror before finding anything else to pin blame.

[Thomas]

Been there (though not for three years)!

What I finally had to accept is that even though no one else may be even remotely interested at the time, it isn't worth my efforts to chase someone who I rarely ever get to see or talk to. It's one thing to be dating a busy person, but it's another to be dating someone who's "busy" in that vague "i'm technically not lying to you" way.

Email and text messages are great, but with mutual goals to (at least) share mealtimes, communication should be primarily real time.

Of course, what do I know, I haven't been on a date in ages!

PS.
Anyone else seen that T-Mobile commercial where a guy sends his (female) date a picture-message of flowers?

[Loky]

Here's a conundrum: I don't believe that to be Bradford's real nose. However, i don't belive that someone would go to a doctor and say "gimme that one" either. Thoughts?

[Wootownman]

This is so weird! This is totally my so called dating life. I have these weird relationships with bi/quasi-gay guys. One has been going on since 2002. I call, email, text, and only hear from him randomly. Every time I get to the point of "enough is enough," I run into him, and its starts all over. Again, I think, "He's not that into me." But if I go a few months not talking to him, when I do hear from him, he is all about how much he is thinking of me, and so on. I meet him for dinner or drinks, and he seems so sincere when he talks to me. Somehow, I believe him. If only I could find another guy who is just as handsome, smart, educated, likes all of the things I do, is completely gay, and who kisses half as well. Is that asking too much?

[Jarrett]

Good article. I identify with existing on a primarily electronic basis. Not because i'm too busy - but because sending texts allows me to think about what i'm saying and gives me time to make sure I sound clever or witty enough. The electronic communication isolates the personality from the other attributes - and it's much like wearing a mask; you get to do things, perhaps be a little more flirty or risque than you ordinarily would be in person. It's not about creating a false persona - it's about unleashing, if only a bit, the inner qualities we tend to restrain on a daily basis. If all else fails, there's always the option to photoshop on a couple of extra inches, right?

[Me]

Oh Carrie Bradford... it's definitely never a wonder why you're still single.

You're like, 30. You purse your lips in pictures. You think your Sarah Jessica Parker on a show that ended FIVE YEARS AGO! (Which is just not attractive for men). And now you're stalkin' this new dude.

Well, basically, let me some up your article for you Carrie, in a way YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND (Since it was on that show and all...and that seems to be all you ever watch...) Blah blah blah- HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

[Jason]

I can understand what you are saying but I find it odd that you would want to stay in contact with someone who is that aloof?

Why is it so "bad" to be single? I have been married for almost 13 years but before that I had no issue with going places and doing things single. I have so many friends who have huge hang ups and are on a rabid hunt to find a BF and then all they do is bitch about them. Be happy with yourself first then you can be happy with someone else.

As far as the people who have to insult you for your column and you views, opinions and beliefs I find that to be a topic you should write about. It is simply another form of cyber-pussy-dom. Why is it so easy to dismiss, insult, berate someone when you can remain faceless while doing? What does your nose have to do with this column? Your pursed lips? I find that intriguing that once again people never want to talk about the issue at hand but are extremely willing to tear someone else down.

Till the next time you post!
Happy Dating!
J

[Dirty]

I love this. I'm always asking my friends what to make of this txting culture combined with dating. Whether you are 18 or 60 it's all the same, everyone has the shakes when it's time to contact a date and every little gesture means so much. I love how damned nerve wracking it is to pick up the phone to call someone even to leave a message. You know they are nervous too and it's so exciting. When you get that text back response though, it's such a let down. I believe it's the modern day version of "oh I wish I could find a man who calls!"

[crikeykid]

Three YEARS of this high school-ish nonsense ? Bradford, with all due respect, you're either vain, gullible, or slow. You redeem yourself by saying you've dated real people and had a real life outside of this "relationship"... or whatever it is. In that context, there seems no harm in playing phone tag with this guy.

I was in a similar situation more than once. In both cases I finally got him on the phone and asked point blank if he preferred I not call anymore. I figured the mature thing to do is to face the issue and give them an easy out. One guy said he "wanted to be alone for a while" and that was the last time he ever heard from me. The other guy insisted he still wanted to see me, yet he never had time. I was tolerant for a few months, then stopped calling. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're happy with this little voice mail game, then go ahead. But it's foolish to complain and unhealthy to expect more.

[Name*Mindy]

Good God, what a bunch of drama queens. Try letting people be what they want to be, and do what they want to do, and quit being so wrapped up in your own needs and neuroses. If it's not working for you, just move on sister.

[Patrick]

oh od this bradford guy is a pathetic loser. if he had actullay left the mesage he claims to have left, I would lave blown him off for being the desperate, bitchy, socially retarded, ass that he appears to be.

and who said appearances weren't important????

[Patrick]

and he cant write either

[JT]

Ignore the bitchy fags, let's get to the issues here.

Today's Cyber-world is scared to death of real intimacy. The same people who sit in these chats, often bold and gayly rude, would have been wall-flowers (if they showed up at all) in the clubs in the 80's. But now we have gay.com. Now there's no need to actually TALK with someone, find out who he is. You can just relegate him to a checkbox or two, a couple of digits, and a photo (which may or may not be recent, or even his own picture.)

I may be less governed by fear than some here, but I'm not afraid to give out the digits and have a conversation. It's not a marriage proposal, it's a phone call. "But OMG, he'll have my number! What if I don't like him and he calls anyway?" So what if he does. You GENTLY tell him that you don't feel like you got on all that well, and you'd rather not continue the acquaintance. If he's immature and freaks, so be it. You ignore the calls a few time, he gets the hint and goes away. Or maybe, just maybe, you continue past that first impression and find ya like the guy -- as a friend or maybe more. Sometimes people grow on ya.

What's certain is that far too often far too many of us use these tools (the technology) to hide behind. They become another kind of closet... and that precludes the very human concept of interacting.

I've heard people say they don't meet anyone from the internet (but it would've been okay if you'd met in the produce department.) I've heard people say they need to take some time to get to know someone. When that is more than a week or two (at most) I write that person off as "Emotionally unavailable." If they surprise me, that's great, but...

After playing YoYo for a couple of years on and off with one guy, and having a couple others end up not being anything like who they said they were, I got fed up with all of it and drew a line: If you can't get real, be a real 3-D human being, I'm not interested. That's a judgement, entirely subjective. A criteria, if you will. IF someone is that afraid of a phone call, he's either way too governed by fear for me, hiding something (or someone) or just not all that into me. Regardless, it saves a lot of time and energy.

Some might say I'm using checkboxes, too. Perhaps, but they're based on the person's actions towards me, after some decent chats and such. The one thing that's certain is that my self-confidence or worth isn't about to be affected by some cyber-guy who hasn't the balls to say what's really on his mind.

Does it work? It has... and it hasn't. I'm still single, but then so are you. But the guy I was with for 6 years, he and I met randomly, talked a lot, he came over, we DIDN'T fuck for the first 3-4 weeks, we DID eventually sleep in the same bed during that time, and we spent a lot of time in the real world together, both during courtship and afterwards. That's what it takes to develop a real love-based relationship... and that's not going to happen via emails, voicemails, or text messages. The relating happens in person, or not at all. If he's not up to that, as an old queen friend of mine used to yell down the bar room when blown off, "NEXT!"

[danny]

This is me too. Since Im single and he is too (I Think) I usually just wait it out only to end up dating 3 people at one time on accident due to all the unknown weeks.

[Me]

Here's my constructive advice. Take it for what it's worth. I don't do "gray." I only do black or white. A guy is either OBVIOUSLY in, or he's out. If he's not meeting me halfway, I move on to the next guy. Time spent in dead-end situations is time wasted. Most guys you meet don't develop into "the one." If someone isn't into you, it's not that they're being pricks. Nobody likes giving people a big downer. They also don't like having to be rude or explain why they aren't into you. "I'm sorry, I can't date you because I'm disgusted with your body." Most guys who want a big explanation are really trying to start a dialogue so they can talk you back into the dating cycle. Either way, it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Don't do "gray." You'll feel a lot happier in life.

[Jade]

Hey Bradford,

Wow - when it comes to a situation like this, I don't think your problem is necessarily technological. Hear me out here:

I think we can use a little Law of Attraction to find out 1) Why you are putting up with this behavior year after year (hoping that he will change) and 2) How might you be attracting such an emotionally unavailable guy?

Law of Attraction, in a nutshell, says that we attract people into our lives that allow us to express feelings that we need to express. In other words, we all play a part in creating our experiences (i.e attracting particular relationships), and the way we play that part is through our feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Fortunately, your body is giving you the answer. The question is: How does this person's behavior make you feel? You might ask yourself how you feel when you're listening to his messages or remembering those times when he left you feeling high and dry?

By fully acknowledging your feelings - his effect on you - you can learn to short-circuit the need to create such a situation in the future. For example, if you no longer need to express "I feel inadequate in love", then Law of Attraction says that you will not seek circumstances that allow you to express that. Some questions to help you: What does waiting for this guy feel like? Perhaps just as important, what does this situation remind you of that may have happened in the past? What lesson do you think this person is in your life to teach you about you? You might also ask yourself,
"Who would I have to be if he really did follow through and become the man of my dreams?"

Chances are this kind of relationship pattern is happening to you over an over again. The key is how it always makes you feel. For example, if the feeling is "not good enough", then you can begin to heal that part of yourself so that you never attract such a person or situation again.

your friend,
Jade

[C2]

I personally find that my friends tend to respond better to a text than a call. If i text, i get a text back. If i call, they will most likely miss it & either not reply or reply with a text. If i text them, they tend to answer back.

I think it kind of romantic to have a bit of phone tag in a relationship. It is basically like getting a letter, which i think is very sexy. Spending time listening to their voice as they talk to just you with no distraction. You can hear what they really have to say, since you cannot interfer their train of conversation.

Real time communication does play an important role, but i do think the manner in which people communicate is changing. I do believe there is a trend of people doing more virtual communcation then real life. Such is why games like Animal Crossing & the Sims are popular.

I believe it depends on the people in the relationship. I mean, this is how people in long distance relationships keep the flame going: voice mails, texts, emails, maybe even a vlog or two.

Though, i shall admit, i would prefer an hour on a rainy afternoon cuddling under some blankets in bed than an "lol =)"

[Sean]

Thank you for the inserted cricket noise it reminded me of my current dating life.

[Sheldon]

C2, I found that very sad. It reminded me of my autistic cousin who has to use similar devices because he either shuts down or freaks out when people invade his space.

The other thing I thought was: If this is how people in long-distance relationships keep the flame going, what happens when they finally end up living in the same city, much less the same house?

Yep, deeply and profoundly sad.

[bodyvegas]

Communication should be real time from the beginning! Having a phone relationship with someone is a stupid as having a chat IM relationship with someone - it won't go anywhere! Smarten up and hit "delete message" and move on!!

[Jim, BIGHig]

Bradford, thanks for that! How many of us have been on one or both sides of that story? I have been on both. And the thing is whether I am a freind or family member, or it's someone I am dating, or really interested in, I like emails and texts, since Sales has SO much to do with being on the phone and oral communications, as does Customer Service.

Will I call and talk to someone, or answer the phone of that person that I am interested in? Oh yes. Is it hard at times, helluvah hard thing to do. If we are in person, no Big E at all.

If this is someone you still talk to, move on, albeit if you need a friend... This man is with a woman, or another man, or is just more messed up than you and I. People we date should be on our level or a step or two up or down. To be his shrink, would be VERY lucrative. End it, or you will make a shrink very happy, and possible miss out on Mister Right, and or Right Now ; ')

[JR (a straight guy who also reads this)]

I don't normally read your blog but this one caught my eye.
As much as I agree with your sentiments about how "we" use cyber everything much to often in dating I often feel the same way about work relations.
The thing I find most disturbing is how often people feel free to say things that are often rude or hurtful in an email or text that they would never say in person or even over the phone. To add to that I would say many of us know that often what we mean to say in text form is often misunderstood - but we still do it, even with those we love.
I'm obviously not a writer but I think you'll probably get my drift. thanks again for your articles.

Take care,
J

[Jake]

Bradford--Thanks for teaching me a new tech tool..never knew about the #2 trick!

[hotfarmer2]

A well written column, both funny and thoughtful. Thank you Bradford!

Perhaps the mild anxiety that we feel when someone holds themselves at an electronic distance is due to our expectations that relationships belong to distinct categories. Not a Hot Item. Not Platonic Friend. Not a One Night Stand. Where does he stand? Time to create another category, or just accept that, in this moment, This is our relationship? Accept the moment and honor the voicemail for what it is rather than worry about what it is not.

[Rick Lopez]

To Anonymous Me: Wow, you're a cunt. Just because someone writes about their romantic entanglements doesn't mean they want to be Carrie.

Secondly, I do kind of agree with you on the 'not into you thing'. But it's not as clear-cut to just say that.. see, I find that gay men versus women have this whole opposite view on dating. Women will date anything (nice/well-dressed) but will sleep with someone only if they are above a certain bar in their mind. Gay men (and men in general) are more prone to fuck anything, but be very picky about the person they date seriously.

Basically, I think that he finds you hot; you guys have obvious chemistry, but the ultra-coyness shows me that he's either:

a. hiding a boyfriend (or juggling other 'interests'),

b.thinks you're hot but doesn't think you guys are sexually compatible (this may be a worry just on his part.. are you both bottom oriented? does he have a medical condition he's ashamed of? you'd never know unless you got close enough to snoop.. oops did I say that?),

c. or thinks you're such a good friend and is afraid to make more than that happen for fear of losing you (from his life) if you guys break up.

If he's worth it, pin him down, corner him, and make him yours.. or as the elf-bitch said: "If you want him.. come and CLAIM HIM!" /waterhorses

If you think your spark is better kept over a long term, like a slow burning fire.. I'd treat him just as a friend, casually mention someone interested in you, or some old flame who hit on you at the market.. and see if his jealousy or passion ignites him to REAL-life action.