Lonely online

"I love going online for free short sexual trailers. I spend way too much time doing this. My wife died two years ago and I am alone.  I was married for 30 years, and she knew all about my homosexuality.

I have tried joining gay groups and at 55 years, it is extremely hard to find someone. I attend a predominately gay church, and I can’t find someone there that fits the bill.  Any suggestions?"

Adam: It’s not surprising that after three decades of marriage and the death of your wife, it’s taking you a while to find your feet in the gay world. I think you’re on the right lines: You understand the limits of what online quick fixes provide, and yearn for something deeper; and you are part of at least one community group that brings you into contact with other gay people. I think the most important thing to do is to be kind to yourself, and to take your time.  At 55 you’ve got many years’ head start on those who cannot or dare not come out until they are seniors.

Tony: Yes, patience and a firm sense of your self-worth.  One other thing -- trust, to yourself and to life. It sounds like you are doing social and community things primarily to "find someone that fits the bill." Why not just do things for the sake of doing them and enjoying them, with no expectation or pressure that you will meet someone? Then trust that good relationships, maybe even that "special one," may naturally result.  We can’t make romantic relationships happen, and the more we try, the more it seems we fail.  But we can live our lives authentically, generously and actively. Then it’s more likely we’ll meet those who will give us what we need anyway.

Adam: As you do things, enjoy them for their own sake and you’ll be at your most natural and relaxed.  It’s this side of you that will draw others to you. If you are a decent man, as I’m sure you are, and are putting yourself in environments that mean that you meet other people, I’m confident that opportunities to form more meaningful relationships will arise.

Tony: I do so hope that you meet the person who will give you their heart, and whom you may also love. In the meantime, I sense you spend much time alone. So one of the biggest challenges, maybe for all of us, is how and how well we spend time in solitude. Please follow your instinct that it’s not healthy to allow too much of that time to dribble away on the internet. In those times alone, pursue activities that lift your spirits and give you genuine pleasure. And get about and share that 55 years of experience you have with as many others as possible. Good luck! You deserve it.

Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com

(Photo: Getty Images)

Comments

[Cudlbear]

All I can say is "Good Luck" Lonely Online. I'm 62 years old and have been Gay all my life. I have had a number of "longer termed" relationships over the many years, but have been single most of the time. Not because that's the way I wanted it.
I have tried all kinds of groups to meet someone. Gay support groups, Gay oriented specific interest groups. Nada! I live in a relatively small rural town (about 18,000 in the town and growing townships), where meeting a compatible, decent man is impossible. The closest city is an hour away, then two hours, then three and a half hours. I traveled anywhere from one to two hours, one way, to attend the various groups I tried. One, I still go to. I have found the majority of Gay men, especially online, are not interested in any kind of intimate, personal relationship. They either totally play games or are only interested in "no-strings-attached", "friends with privileges", or "fuck buddies". The best way to meet someone is through friends. I have no Gay friends here who know any available single Gay men with whom I would be compatible, and even fewer straight friends who have other Gay friends. I now need to face the fact that this is the way I will spend the rest of my life - alone and unhappy.
Best wishes!

[Josef]

Lonely Online, I am single, 49 yr old Chippewa Indian looking for a relationship with an honest, caring person. I am here so please feel free to be intouch.

[John]

Do try to remember that the internet is wonderful for bring contact to everyone; including the socially inept, the narcissistic, the masculinity obsessed with gender issues, the married gay man, etc.

People say and do things on the internet that they would never do in public. Its not that there are no good gay men out in the real world; its that there are far more psychologically challenged gay men than there are well grounded gay men on the net.

I suspect that most well grounded gay men are realizing that gay internet sites are less about meeting people and more of a Baskin-Robbins of psychopathology. Once you realize that its not you, you move on and meet people through friends, clubs (e.g. Frontrunners) etc.

[Jason]

I'm sorry but that's the biggest crock of shit I've read in a good long while.

I've traveled all over the US and found most gay men to be selfish, arrogant, rude, 2-timin', and clueless.

I've been where this gentleman is but at a far younger age and I have to wish him the best.

But let's not coddle him or try and spin some fairytale -- there's nothing "gay" about the gay community... it's about the saddest I've encountered.

And b4 I hear any comments to the contrary... maybe those 2 guys giving the advice should separate for a year, as an experiment, and try being single again. It's a different world from the 80s, baby.

[Paul]

Sorry for your loss after thirty years of being in a relationship with a women, i could not imagine all of the challenges that you now face.

Considering that your sexual desires may not have been fully realized, you now may feel in debt for "lost time". Plugging away on the internet to feed; your sexual desire has become something of a dead end, your heart broken in an attempt to satisfy your natural desire to be with men.

Reality bites, does it not?

You are not alone. Talking about it is good because you will find many others who are with you.

Be yourself, be happy in your love for yourself. You took 55 years to get to this point in your life and decisions you have made in the past may have led you to this outcome. It is your life live it, live it now, and take responsibility for where you are. No advice is going to help, unless it comes from within.

Good Luck

[michael]

Here's an advice that might help. CHANGE. If you can't find decent gay guy around your town, MOVE. There are tons of towns where there ARE many gay guys. You can just sit on your laurels whine all your life about how lonely your life is or DO SOMETHING to change that. Your life is how you CHOOSE to make it. In the end, you'll only have yourself to blame for why your life isn't the way you wanted to be.

[BigHig, Jim]

Read the Best Little Boy in the World, and same title -Grows Up by Tobias Wolfe; Stranger at the Gate by Mel White; and read Boyfriend 101 by Jim Sullivan (you can also search for that/him online).

Socialize, network, and DEF' socialize in your church if you want to meet a mate to date ; ')

[noogs1]

First of all, the advice of being yourself and happy with who you are and your lot in life is spot on. As soon as you think you are so together and "unneedy" someone will come along and fuck that up.

Secondly, Josef, please write me. I have lost an old friend of mine (Chippewa), her first name was Sher. Half French. Minnesota. I really need to find her. :(

[Ron]

I understand and can relate almost sounds like my story. 52 with the same man for 22 years living together 2 tears datting before that on LTR. He died 3 years ago. Starting over is not easy. I find things have changed so much.

Things will fall in place as time goes on and don't drop what you stand for. Myself I don't believe in one night stands I want more and feel I am worth more. But thing in the gay world seem to centre around the young. But never give up.

[Cee]

sad stories. being active will increase your chances of finding a partner, but that's just the beginning. once you find a partner you have to try to hold the relationship together. that's the hard part...lol damn near impossible. guys have so many issues. people have so many issues. good luck to everyone. i hope everyone finds someone.

[Ken]

As long as the capacity to love remains inside you, you'll be fine. Imagine the Viking funeral, with the burning ship set out to see. Quite grand and picturesque, but the truth is that afterwards, you have to turn away from the sea, and begin trudging away from the shoreline. It's arduous, but I believe that you've heard from many that at some point, you are forward driven and no longer looking back. I will say that those types of dreadful experiences have made me an incredibly stronger and more insightful and empathetic person. Empowered, you'll be all the more attractive to another and not only ready to try again, but to do so with a deeper sense of soul.

[ANDY]

I often hear 'gay men are this and that'. I usually find "it is not a gay thing, its a guy thing".

Some of us will luck out as we are authentic to ourselves, and have the opportunity to meet someone compatible. Others of us are born to circumstance, and we never will.

As is love, as is life. Sometimes it is excruciatingly short.

[HT]

Posted by: Cudlbear | November 27, 2008 at 06:42 PM
---

Gotta agree with you on that; and I'm only 36.

And this is one of those times when "Life is what you make of it" isn't the norm; we want to make life like that, but most in our "community" prefers "wham bam thank you mister and be sure to get tested every 3 months". If someone is taken, be happy they're happy - other people exist. "Free love" is a misnomer and there are plenty of non-sex things to do with others anyway. Or hobbies and job interests.

Life itself has a lot to offer and forgive my straying but it was relevant; the homosexual "community" sadly is none.

We "get it". They eventually will. And I feel sorry for them more than I do for either of us, and the chap who was the subject of the article -- especially with his wife dying.

[jan]

Hi there LONELY ONLINE!
I know how it feels to be alone and no one to share your life with.
But I still consider yourself luckier than I because at my age (24 Y/O), it seems like finding someone to love and who'll love me back has become an elusive dream.
Like you, I've been spending lots of times in finding the "one" may it be online or through the help of my friends.
But I still have the faith that we can find each other at the end of the road.

[Wootownman]

Lonely online,

I read your story, and aside from a couple of details, I totally relate to what you are saying. I also live in a small town, and it is over an hour to a big city. When I first came here for work, I was thankful for the internet as it was the primary way I connected to gay guys. Also, I tried making the drive to the city bars and things. I'm narcoleptic, and driving like that was dangerous. However, after nearly 8 years, I have decided to make a change in my life and try to be happy. I lost weight, got better meds, and just resigned my job. I'm looking for something new in a city. I'm nervous about paying the bills, but I realized that I can't live sad and alone any longer. I MUST get out and do something, or simply commit suicide and be done with it. (That is what my friend did after he retired, and didn't have anything or anyone in his life beyond his work.)

[Zumba080808]

Lonely Online,

I am totally empathetic to your situation. I am 56. Was with my last partner for 9 years. Relationship ended 2 years ago. I haven't been able to find a suitable date no less a partner. It is harder as we get older whether we are gay or straight to find someone special. I think it's because we really know what we want. The days of testing the waters are over. I am doing what the guys suggested. Getting involved with things that other people gay and straight participate in. And the advice about not doing it for any other reason than for yourself and your own advancement is good advice that I needed to read/hear too. I was sitting here online bemoaning that I am alone and lonely and then read your question and the answers and I feel much better about things.

Good luck to us all. Love is worth it.

[Craig]

I agree with Micheal...if you're in a small town, or even an avergae sized town and arent meeting any descent guys...You should look into other cities. Thats what I've been doing the past 3 years, and Im going to continue looking. Its hard to find a gay relationship nowadays defenentily, but when you keep looking eventually you meet someone nice.

[Jonathan]

I'm 34, came out at 15, and here is my two cents based on the comments - comments I see every single time this subject is brought up:

1) GAY MEN ARE THE SAME no matter if you are in Barrow, Alaska or South Beach, Florida. All of us grew up with the same belief system in this country on who 'real men' are, and unless we grew up in extraordinary circumstances, none of us learned how to date other gay men. None of us - whether we are on the internet, pride parade, HRC board of directors - know what the hell we are doing. We date like 8th grade girls. Whether it's six weeks or six months, the relationships are flushed down the toilet the minute the party's over or the money's gone.

2) Very few gay men have let that adolescent girl inside of them grow up to become an adult man. We say we're attracted to masculine men? Where the hell are they? If you aren't finding anyone, look at yourself and what you are promoting. If your attitude matches a teenage girl, guess what? Guys who are attracted to guys don't want to talk to you - whether you are 20 or 60. Most 'masculine everyday guys' also aren't obsessed with labels, Broadway plays, collecting dolls, or stereotypical things that make the kinds of guys you are seeking RUN in the opposite direction.

3) Hate to say it, but step back for a second. Not just online, but in the everyday world, there are more venues, events, online ads, gatherings, etc for gay men to find other gay men than there's ever been. Nothing has substantially changed from 20 years ago except more breakups. SOMETHING underneath all of this, that we refuse to talk about, causes male-male relationships to fail. Are two men just not able to have a long term relationship? Is it the fact that almost none of us got to learn how to date during the appropriate time during adolescence and young adulthood; therefore making it impossible to learn these social skills ten to thirty years later? Maybe. The truth is, gay marriage or civil unions will not be a magic wand. The fact that very few of us can keep (or even find!) a relationship - sometimes waiting for a decade or more to find one - says a lot about gay men. Lesbians, who aren't overloaded with pornography, unrealistic expectations of each other and general rudeness within their own community, seem to fare much better in this arena. Gay men bring it on themselves. We expect other gay men to be sex objects and success objects, but forget that, in doing so, we are expected to be those things as well.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time but look at it this way - at least you had SOMETHING - a marriage, a partner, a best friend for a while. Most of us who came out very early also found out very early that there was nothing waiting for us later in life. I've met many gay men; almost all of them are so socially awkward and so screwed up by the messages their families gave them that they will never be able to have a healthy, long lasting relationship with another gay man in public. And again, location has nothing to do with this. You can move all you want, but all you're going to find are socially awkward gay men running away from the same kinds of places you are at right now. Work on yourself first and don't expect anything. That's the only realistic advice I can give you.

[Name*Mindy]

I like Jonathan's advice. I'm single too but frankly I don't mind it. That's the key I think. There's a LOT more to this world than finding your "soul mate" imho!

[BMT]

Coming on here and looking for true love is like going to WalMart and looking for the Bang & Olufsen TVs.