Getting You and Your Partner Off

To increase your sexual satisfaction, it is important to address the six most common types of sexual performance problems.

Impotence problems reflect struggles with achieving and maintaining an erection.

Ejaculation problems
Sometimes a guy gets off too quickly or not able to get off at all. Ejaculation is when come is present and is not the same as an orgasm. They are often linked, so confusion is possible.

Orgasm problems
Some people aren't able to orgasm. An orgasm is the body response that is “involuntary” to sexual arousal. It is equivalent to the “sneezing” response of the body --it is going to happen no matter what.

Anal pain
Some people have too much pain when getting penetrated.

Low Sexual Desire
Sexual desire changes over time, both in terms of frequency and targets of sexual pleasure.

Sexual Aversion
An avoidance of sexuality or sexual behavior.

Obstacles To Blast Off

Medical care
You've heard it before but it still holds true. The first place of intervention is to get a complete medical check-up and address any medical issues. The causes of sexual dysfunction are varied and require tailored treatment plans. Medical issues could be age, high blood pressure, side effects of medications, etc. If there is a medical condition, no amount of talk therapy will help.

Knowledge
Many partners don't know how to stimulate their partners. Your job is to ask your partner what he likes just as it is your job to share with your partner what you like. Each of us has body parts more arousing for us. On the topic of masturbation and lasting longer, I highlighted the importance of getting to know your body and sharing this with your partner. Great sex requires talking with each other about what you like as well as what you don't like

Life
Sometimes life events such as stress, lack of sleep, job changes impair your ability to function. In these cases, healthy coping with the events will help you on the sexual functioning level.

Mental Health
Anxiety, depression, self-esteem, performance anxiety, and fear of disapproval are examples of mental health concerns that may impair getting off.

Reality
Keeping a realistic expectation is important. Older guys typically have a longer time between the ability to have an erection and the intensity of ejaculation changes (usually for the worse) than younger guys. If we compare ourselves to the young porn stars all the time, we're bound to have difficulties.

It's just the wrong time?
This is a catch all category. Take a look at what might be getting in the way. If you're going for a quickie, the rush and pace of the setting can curb your libido. And 'newsflash' guys; if you've been drinking expect things to take longer to happen, if they happen at all.

What You Can Do

1. Get a medical check-up. As the commercials go, make sure you're healthy enough for sex.
2. Learn about your body. What do you like or don't like. Share this with your partner and ask him about what he likes and doesn't like.
3. Address external circumstances in your life such as stress, exhaustion etc.
4. Address mental health issues related to functioning. A conversation with a professional may help.   
5. Be realistic in light of age, circumstances, or setting.
6. Take your time. Improved sexual functioning is a process of practice, taking your time and learning what works and doesn't work. With a partner, using various touch techniques can decrease anxiety and address internal messages. Shame due to poor body image can be addressed through mutual affirmation with a partner which can take time. Addressing anal pain requires time to loosen the muscles allowing a guy to be penetrated.
7. Focus on other forms of sexual pleasure other than exclusive attention to the erection or orgasm.

Do you have an emotional-health question? Send your question in an e-mail to health@planetoutinc.com

"Weston Edwards is a professionally trained and experienced psychologist licensed by the Minnesota
Board of Psychology. He specializes in individual, couple and group counseling and has specific experiences working with sexuality, spirituality, chemical dependency and mental-health issues. He is in private practice at the Sexual Health Institute. Dr. Edwards is also on staff at the Pride Institute providing sexuality and chemical dependency treatment for the LGBT community."

This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to serve as medical advice. The information provided should not be used for diagnosing or treating a health problem or disease. It is not a substitute for professional care. If you have or suspect you may have a health problem, you should consult your health care provider.

(Photo: Getty Images)

Comments

[Todd]

did anyone at all find this article helpful in any way?

[...]

who wrote this? the grammar is so poor...

[Jason]

This article was absolutely useless. I really hope nobody actually got paid to write it.

[swim_r]

No reason for everyone to have such a negative attitude about these articles! I don't find everything relevant to me, but I can see how almost everything could be relevant to someone, and at least a good talking point or something to make 'ya' think! Anything making someone more self aware is beneficial. Go watch TV if this site is so bad!

[Tom]

In a time when there is so much porn that we are desensitized to actual sex and when gay people are so heavily divided more so than other communities, I welcome an article that talks about how to have a healthy sexual relationship.

[yep]

@swim r. This is America! If you don't like reading the honest and sometimes negative comments about these little crappy articles, then you go watch TV!

[Ralph]

Children :(

Just can't stand it when others "try" and assist with love, sex. Just wait until they grow up and realize there is more to life than what they have right now.

When they get into a situation like what is listed above, they may just feel silly having denounced it earlier!

Oh BTW, STOP PASSING HIV! We all know better now, let the straights pass it!

[joes]

I am an older guy and found this article useful especially in dealing with younger men. I find that it is the young guys who have difficulty in cumming and wonder how much this is related to "holding off" to increase their pleasure.

[MICHAEL J HOLBROOK]

Personally, I found the article very helpful. I admit, to all reading this, I actually suffer from the majority of the points presented. I have been afraid to address these issues, or refuse to admit I have a problem. I am getting older, which is even more difficult to admit. Now if I can just find a partner to help me get through these issues.

[Ryc]

Good Article~!

I am older and do not suffer any of the problems mentioned and consider myself fortunate. However I know many men that do. Admiting that you have a problem is the first step in resolving it. Finding a caring partner that understands also makes a big difference. I think we place entirely to much emphasis on the sexual act often foresaking intimacy. Performance should never be the only consideration when having sex and if it is, then we need to wake up.

[Toby]

News flash guys! It's not all about you!

If you didn't find this article useful, that's great, you don't suffer from any of these problems...YET!

But since you don't, does that mean the article was stupid? NO. Just because it doesn't pertain to you doesn't make it interesting for someone else.

Why do you feel the need to open your mouth and look like an ass?

[Adam]

It's disturbing. The articles on this site are getting like the guys... less and less substance all the time.

[puppytop]

Good article? Bad article? Each of us has an opinion, just like we all have assholes. The only thing that causes me concern for the gay community is the constant bitching about everything in here, and everywhere else for that matter. If you dont like something then dont read, watch or interact with it or them. Didnt your parents teach you anything or is it most just dont know HOW to grow up?

[Tom]

"Anal pain
Some people have too much pain when getting penetrated."

LOL, that certainly is NO problem with me :)

[Sean Egan]

I think the comments are good. Criticism is great for this site. Lay off "puppytop". People so often don't want to hear anything negative, just like Bush didn't want to hear those negative approval rating trends.....

[Jason P]

GREAT POST!
Its VERY helpful, and very much common sense among adults.
COMMUNICATION.
Negativity is commonplace in the gay community. Its so much about "what can I get"
not many people are concerned about how they can help the man they Love!
As I saw in a previous post...
when ya grow up, stop worrying about grammar, and material things, stop worrying so much about the club and lookin "cute". IN the REAL world. these issues are VERY real.
I'm glad gay.com is addressing these things now.
Thanks for STARTING to prove that this is more than an irresponsible hook up site.
Maybe some people will "get it" one day.
Love to all!

[DC]

Just some tips for those who are looking for more detailed info about getting you and your partner off:

Regarding impotence problems: it should be noted that there is physical/neurological impotence, psychological impotence, and condom induced impotence (otherwise known as COINED, [co]ndom [in]duced [e]rectile [d]isfunction).

Many impotence & ejaculation problems can be treated by doing a few simple things:

- Exercise regularly
- Drink lots of water
- Stop masturbating so much & so hard
- Lay off of the alcohol
- Lay off of recreational drugs

Foods and natural supplements that relax the tissues allowing increased blood flow to the penis:

- Peanuts, brazilian nuts, walnuts, sunflower seeds, raisins, ginseng, ginger, milk, kiwi, strawberries, oranges, etc.
- Yohimbe, gingko biloba, and horny goat weed among others.

You'll see significant results of increased erections in about 6 weeks. Yohimbe works in about an hour.

Avoiding COINED:
- Engage in foreplay to stimulate an erection and don't put on the condom until you've been hard for an extended period!
- A tight hole is harder to penetrate, so loosen him up with the fingers/dildo & lube.
- Use featherlite condoms with INTERNAL ribbing underneath the head of the penis (Pleasure Plus condoms have this - I'm not sure of other brands).
- LUBE PLEASE! Add some lube on the inside of the condom and on your penis before putting it on. Spit is convenient, but not sufficient.
- If you insist on using relaxation aids like poppers, weed (where decriminalized), make sure you like to bottom. This stuff will kill the erection of any top. Poppers can briefly intensify erectile stimulation, but it inhibits the hormone that tells your body to direct blood flow towards the penis. Hence, if you top, the use of poppers should be avoided until LONG AFTER insertion or until you know you are close to reaching orgasm.

Oral sex tips:
- Actively use your to tongue when performing oral sex
- Avoid teeth. Fold your lips over your front teeth and apply pressure between he roof of the mouth, the tongue on the way UP instead of on the way down.
- On your way down, simultaneously rub/slide the palm of your hand in a one way downward motion from the belly button to the shaft.
- Get rid of hair! No one sucking likes pubic floss & your balls respond to increased stimulation if they are hairless. Shave that sh!t!
- Keep a tempo & repeat patterns (this drives the intensity of the signal into the nerve endings).
- Pace yourself, going fast IS NOT as pleasant as it may look, and you and his penis will tire equally as fast.
- Avoid dry jerking, especially on a circumsized penis, until just before orgasm
- Avoid fast jerking until just before orgasm
- Avoid rapid in an out motion unless you know he's "close"
- If he's cut, gently pull down the testicles to increase stimulation of the penile head. Uncut guys don't like this too much as the penile head is more sensitive.
- Avoid brushing stubble against the penis head. Easiest way to do this.... SHAVE!
- If you're being blown, don't try to choke whoever is blowing you by forcing your cock in as far as it can go. Mouth f@cking is overrated, unpleasant, and will most likely make your partner gag.

[whiteshiva]

Seemed to have covered about 2 % of the potential problems with .05% of the solutions. Total waste of time.

[whiteshiva]

In re DC:
Lots of guys like hair and find shaved men a total turn off. Each to their own.

[zarxo]

Why should any gay man on gay.com read this article? If there are no men who are faithful and have mainstay then why bother with an article that would paint a gestural effect of loyality and respect?

The sword on this issue cannot slice both ways, for monogomy only has one rope that two hold onto. It in itself is the value for the value of the value from the value.

Men who seek sex as the cause would never ever desire to "know" what bothers their partner on a deeper level when it is more expedient to find that stranger, who sits in danger, below the falling sky behind the rustic metal stairs where a hello turns into a goodbye.

[Skunk]

I thought it was an OK article & it is good too finally see someone at least try to do something positive amongst the gay community, besides fucking around without a rubber spreading an STD.
And isn't it just great to be a part of the Great US of A with all that freedom of speech & shit.
But we can't blame Gay.com for ruining the gay community or the natural buzz kill of a Hard On.
It is the constant complaining & fighting of the same people with the same negative comments they probably live their whole existance, even outside our community.
I mean really. There is a whole new arena of hate crime up in here.
If YOU are such a DRAG,...QUEEN? And are so disappointed about... well everything, ... Why don't you just face the fact that,... YOU are just THE DISAPPOINTMENT.
See,crown yourself with that. You are now a Freak With a Title.
Why don't you & your negative self contribute to the Gay Community by taking a short walk off that high horse you pretend to be on. Or better yet, ... crawl under a rock & just die.
Leaving the rest of our GAy Selves here to make the word Gay, also mean happy again and therefore saving the HARD ON to enjoy with at least a smile and less of your problems that we don't care to hear about.
I know this is an Adult Site & some of you Prissy Bitches will probably fall into a Hissy, Tizzy Fit Coma.
So before you fall in deep to hit Rock Bottom, Let me salute you with appreciation in the only way an American Can.
I Erect my Middle Finer Finger to simply say... FUCK YOU if you don't like what I have to say.
Merry Christmas & happy New Year !!!
LOL

[Me]

Be sure and get a doctor checkup before starting any exercise program.

[Jeremiah]

It depends on the person who you are talking to. I mean i was in a six year relationship where i was the monogamous one. and my partner was into "other things". It's ok. I respect that. I respect who individuals are. My partner and i were having sexual problems yes. he was more into the younger guys and i was more into the spiritual soul of a person. yeah, i was into my partner but unfortunately? he was into the physical. sad. we are two different people. I'll let him go. It's he who he is. and I am who i am. there's nothing i can do about that but tell him who i am.

[Jack]

Jeremiah, right on. It's all about chemistry. If it's not happening for you and the guy you're with, find another guy. Trust me....can't have a relationship without good sex, and if it's not coming naturally, it's not going to come at all.

[Jason P.]

May I just add that great sex isn't always about a hard on and penetration.
I believe with all of my being, that when you're truly in love with someone, and they're in love with you.
The COMMUNICATION is there, and even if and when the time comes you, or he, can't achieve an erection. You can still have amazing, intimate love making.
sex goes away eventually...
Love is a forever thing, put together right it last's a LONG, LONG time.
Love isnt sex. I dont care what anyone says.

[Fan of Jason P]

Jason P..... KUDOS!!

[James]

Someone above mentions that they are getting older. I would love to hear from anyone who isn't......on the issue of sex (or anything else for that matter ;)
And...as far as letting your life partner know what u like/don't like sexually - it's way too late to do that AFTER you've been together for awhile. To know whether you will be happy together as sexual partners with anyone - this has to come way BEFORE you become partners - when first courting, dating or whatever u want to call it. Most people have their sexual thing(s), which may or may not make them sexually compatible with others more or less so. Falling in love first & waiting to find out about your partner's 'thing(s) LATER is a recipe for frustration, infidelity & partnership failure. People are more or less fixed in their proclivities - trying to change them to satisfy or match a partner is silly & ultimately not-likely to work. Two true bottoms ain't NEVER gonna be happy together in bed no matter how many Broadway shows they love seeing together or dresses they agree are sooooo fab!!!

[HT]

Superficial article, with really bad grammar in it. (I'm not paid to write, otherwise I'd use even the most rudimentary equipment at my disposal.)

Usually, with sexual problems, doesn't the non-afflicted guy break the "relationship" off?

As for sex, if a LTR or partnership is a desire, then one has to transcend sex. The sex drive eventually wears down, so what's left after the wang wanes? You cannot build a relationship on mere sexual compatibility alone.

And if you tell people up front what you're looking for, don't expect anyone else to be as legitimate. Or, worse, the politically correct nutjobs come in.

The whole thing is a stupid game anyway. Love and sex are different things, and for those who want to combine the two, I have this to say: Don't bother.

[corrective_unconscious]

I think it's great to combine love and sex. Just don't confuse one for the other.

[rusllan]

hi this is fantastic keep it up

[rusllan]

hi this is fantastic keep it up