Dating Bradford: Open, Says Me!

Six months into our casual dating, Cleat and I made the decision to become boyfriends. Almost immediately we talked of having an open relationship, both feeling it was a realistic interpretation of a modern union between two been-around-the-blocks who understand gay male behavior.

We negotiated a period of monogamy at the beginning to establish some kind of foundation. He wanted a year, but we were both business traveling a lot at the time, so we settled on six months. In truth it was I who upped the ante, as I was shooting in England almost monthly, and there’s nothing more depressing about a foggy day in London town than not getting laid (and if you click on this link, a cute naked boy will sing to you about it.)

“Baby, you know how awful it is when I have to spend two weeks at a time with the up-tights,” I said, “And there’s this private men’s spa in London called Chariots. . . ”

After some skillful prodding on my part, “we” decided it was time to open things up as long as some ground rules were established. You know, “sucky sucky YAY, fucky fucky NO WAY,” and such.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be too early for our love-life retrofit, and neither of us realized until too late that having an open relationship wasn’t working. Instead of reaping the rewards of a carefree cats-away clause, we sowed instead the seeds of doubt, jealousy and distrust (not to mention an occasional STD) into our cake mix. Before we knew it we were breaking up, or rather Cleat was breaking up with me with the words, “You’re incapable of being monogamous and I can’t be nonmonogamous, so it’s OVER!”

“But wait, wait, wait,” I said, grasping for a parachute, “I can be monogamous, (I think) I’ll do it for you.”

Later, I realized it’s ridiculous to try and force yourself to be monogamous for someone else; you have to want to do it for yourself. At the time Cleat and I were together I didn’t really want it, I only thought I did. I tried to believe I was ready, but inside I was harboring feelings that monogamy was a trap instead of a safety net and that I had never been in a relationship where I wasn’t cheated on, or vice-versa. I didn’t think it was possible for two men to be monogamous. Surely all those couples who pretended to be must be lying to each other? I wasn’t willing to trust again.

Three years later, or probably one minute after Cleat and I broke up, all I want now is to be monogamous with a boyfriend. It wasn’t until I lost the love of my life (so far) that I came to the conclusion I was ready to make that kind of commitment, for myself. To have the security in knowing the one I am with is the only one I want to be with, and hopefully to be able to trust someone with my heart again.

Who knows when I’ll find the right guy to share this with? And who can say it won’t be a struggle even then, or if he will cheat on me (better not, you rat bastard, or Bon Qui Qui will CUT YOU).

What I do know is that unless monogamy is something both partners truly want, it won’t work if it’s forced. Same goes for an open game plan.

Sometimes a partner will coerce us into having an open relationship by promising renewed interest or more adventurous variety in our sex lives. Or, sometimes we are the catalyst to push the issue. It might start innocently enough with a three-way make-out on the dance floor, or a business trip to Miami that coincides with the White Party when we find ourselves saying, “When in Rome . . .” Sometimes it’s a gradual progression over the years that unlocks our bedroom doors.

However they start, open relationships can become as sticky as KY. Complications arise from fleeting  feelings of failure or inadequacy, to the more morose mediations to mend macabre medical maelstroms (three times fast). In other words, just because you can eat your cake doesn’t mean it always tastes good.

So for all you seasoned vinaigrettes out there who dine at the salad bar of love, I ask: How do you handle the issues in an open relationship?

(Photo: Bradford Noble)

Comments

[garontor]

The trick is to:

1. Stay monogamous until you discuss it.
2. Make sure you and your partner can be honest with each other about your feelings on monogamy. If one partner feels any pressure to choose something their not comfortable with, it will lead to heartbreak. If either of you are likely to feel pressured, wait and stay monogamous until you have that level of trust so you can both be honest without fear of judgment.
3. Be honest with YOURSELF about what you want and need in THIS relationship. Some people find monogamy easy, some are more comfortable with polyamoury, etc. And, you may honestly feel differently from relationship to relationship. But however you feel, BE HONEST about it to yourself.
4. Be willing to suggest and accept ground rules. But again, both partners need to be honest about their needs without fear of judgment.
5. This is probably the hardest part... be willing to say good-bye if your ideas on monogamy can't be resolved. Compromises are part of every relationship decision, and a bit of give-and-take is ok in this case too... but the issue of monogamy runs VERY deeply one way or the other with most people. Neither partner should have to give up their core values for any relationship. Trying to do so is just setting your relationship up for messy failure. So, if its a choice of compromising my values (whatever they may be) or losing the relationship... I'd choose to part as good friends!

[Adam]

I think the important thing is to talk about it and then stick to the rules you set up. My partner and I talked about this when we knew we were getting serious. We were monogamous for 5 years and then after that we had an agreement that almost everything is fine to do with someone else as long as we talked about it with each other and we only saw the other person a max of 3 times.

This has worked great for us and when we talk about our play times with other guys we usually get so turned on we end up having amazing sex with each other.

The key is to set the rules beforehand and then stick to them. No ifs, and or buts about it!

[Brandon Sills]

i think you should just never approach the idea or selfish aspect (if one or both want open), because it's always only leading to an eventual break-up or distrust or jealousy, or both partners will somewhere make a mistake and then two more people get to live with an STD until the day they die.

what's so glamorous about an open relationship? from my P.O.V., i don't see anything special about it. even a three-way during a relationship is disgusting to me.

if you're not ready to settle down with one guy, then don't settle with him halfway and drag him along until you realize you were wasting his time with wanting more (or in my perceptive case, less) of a relationship.

if you have the will power to stick through even the toughest of times, you'll love your guy more. it's all about self-discipline at that moment.

[cheiron55403]

Why do gay men need to be encouraged to have open relationships? Isn't that what they tend to do?

[Me]

To each his own. I'd rather have regular sex with one great guy than good sex with several guys. 95% of any relationship is time spent NOT having sex. (There are exceptions.) I want a guy I can have a good laugh with, but who I also have a closeness to. Sex can be very nice, but I'm not a totally horny 18 year old anymore!

[Kevin]

That singing guy is sooo cute! lol

[San DiEGO splerrk]

Cleat?...
Is the name for real?
Is he a Taurus>
CleatTaurus... LOL
Must be a Soccer or Rugby player...Hopefully the latter ;)

And love the Picture, that is my set up, a red shirt with jeans & matching red boxers. Ya just can't go wrong with that!

But, FWIW (For What It's Worth) ...

An Open Relationship is not Modern at all, it is Old School! I would think that it is about as extinct as a Bath House (Men's Spa) since the ultimate STD (Aides) started in the early 80s.

From my POV, anyone who has to resort to anonymous sex in a SPA or Sex Club is somewhat mostly perverted or insecure to the lowest form of desperation. It is not that I couldn't, I just wouldn't.
And it would be more then just over from the 1st STD.

THAT ALONE IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH "OPEN RELATIONTHIPS"

DON'T MIX ME UP WITH SOMEONE ELSES SHIT!!!

How we relate to others is one thing like how we relate to others at work or on a trolly, mannerisms. But a relationship is a relationship, no such thing as an "Open Relationship". That just means you are Fuck Buddies (Sorry this is an adult Website isn't it?).

Monogamus & Open are 2 seperate things also.

AND HERE IS A CLUE TOO

Anyone who puts a time frame in a discussion of an "Exclusive" dating companion is telling you that IT IS OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN.
And then you knock the time frame down in half. LOL ... LOL

And this next bit is for our friend here cheiron55403.
Don't stereo type every GAY here or anywhere else or anyone else for that matter. I personally have enough class to be way out of most's league.

In fact..., I think that anyone who is a FOLLOWER of this type of GAY lifestyle is a bit confused & really shouldn't call anyone of our Gay counterparts confused.
They need to RUN back into the closet & rethink before coming "OUT", it will save you some embarassment.

"When in Rome do as the ... , etc.", means to respect other peoples cultures & customs when visiting.
It doesn't mean, "When someone tells you to EAT SHIT, to do it.

[San DiEGO Splerrk]

Try this, but 1st use a rubber.

If the Sex is great from the 1st potentially 1 night stand, try it again for a matching set for both sides of the bed.

Then maybe try dating with some sober or drug free dates to see how well Y'all click.

Then maybe after 3 or 6 weeks, start discussing the future.
But keep in mind at 1st that if he/she starts questioning Where you've been & who have you been seeing, he either really loves you or is a psychotic stawker.

I am speaking from experience from more then just 1.

After surviving your mutually established exclusive dating rules & regulations & you are able to tolerate those annoyingly irritating habits of each other, hopefully you both would have learned how to COMPROMISE anywhere from 3 to 6 months.

Then I would suggest to use AT LEAST that same amount of time living with each other at each other's place before moving in with each other.

Come on you guys, Take your time & do it right.
Use your other head & give him a piece of it.
Don't be a dumb ass, because you are not just a piece of ass. So show some class.
Give yourself some value as if that is your only "Values".

Now that is "Modern"!

So you NEW GAY kids, LEARN FROM THAT

[allsalah]

I want sex movies

[allsalah]

I want sex moveis

[rjmville]

Talk about a bunch of clueless judgemental queens! To splerrk - AIDS has been around for over 20 years, learn how to spell it. The intolerance expressed here by some who are not understanding of other types of relationships begs the question "How can we expect understanding, tolerance or support from nonmembers of the GLBT community when we condemn others, who don't think or act n a way we think is right or righteous?"
Splerrks vitriolic spewing of immature fingerpointing platitudes is particularly typical of this "hatin'". I can't say whether open relationships are for me and they are a slippery road for many to navigate, but I applaud anyone who can find their own way through life in an honest way that is sometimes unconventional and difficult for others to accept.

[Ross]

I want to start out by saying that I have a hard time understanding the need for an open relationship.

Is not the goal of all of us, to have a loving partner that is devoted to only one?

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Our culture here in America vilifies gay people because of the stereotype idea that we can not be monogamous.

There are many relationships out there based solely on sex in the bedroom.

For many guys and gals, it's sex first, then a relationship ensues.

I believe that this is a compelling reason why gay relationships are not taken seriously.

If two people, whether they be straight or gay, get to know each other, get closer in their relationship, they can work all this out beforehand. I agree that talking it out honestly and from the heart is really the only way to go.

[Alexander]

What can I say? An open relationship could be the answer for many couples. You love someone and you love sex with that person, but sometimes you need a little adventure...or two or three.
I never realized why all people told me "Gays cannot be trusted. No one ver will faithfull, no one will be with you forever" and as far as I've seen (I'm only 20y/o) that's kind of true...and that's dissapotinting.
I know this guys, Erick. He's 35 y/o and he has been dating with the same guy since he was 20. So? They live together and they have a life...and Ercik calls me one in a while to meet and get laid...what's the point of say "I love you" or "There's only you"?
The love of my life told me...Trust is more important than monogamy...I think that's the biggest truth on the gay scene...Lucky, who can find someone who really cares and is there all the time.

[GordNYC]

Out of all my friends, in all of their relationships, I've only known one couple who have managed to even semi-successfully have an "open" one -- and even in theirs, the jealousy thing has occasionally reared its ugly head. The rest of the "open" relationships fell apart in less than six months. The only ones that seemed to work that weren't "just you and me, babe" were the ones in which the only time a third-party was allowed in was where both partners participated.

I personally don't understand the apparent inability to be satisfied with limiting your sex life to those activities in which you and your partner, with or without a third party, or you alone, with NOBODY else, are involved.

It seems to me that it's a case of never being satisfied with what you have, and not realizing that the person you think is just "Mr. Good-enough-for-now" really was Mr. Right, until you've lost him.

Of doesn't seem to be a gay-male-only phenomenon -- it's just as prevalent in heterosexual couples, it's just talked about more openly in "our" circles....

[Tom]

Maybe I'm not gay enough to even understand this. I was married to my wife for 12 years - agonizing years, because I knew I was gay. I approached the subject with her about an "exclusive" man in our relationship, she thought about it for a while, and then told me quite simply and flatly "I didn't marry you to share you with someone else." I was outraged and it was - as Kevin posted - the beginning of the end of our marriage - but it was my decision to make all the necessary moves to end that relationship with her.

Gay or Straight - open relationships don't work when both parties originally agreed to be monogamous, to be emotionally and sexually available to only each other. If you even want to have an open relationship - ask your partner, and like someone else said be prepared to say "goodbye."

We do ourselves a disservice daily by bringing shame to our orientations by our own actions. Somewhere along the way, someone felt that the rest of the world must share in the view that it's ok to mess around solely based on the fact that they are gay. That's a bull**** excuse for not having the character to really try to work on a relationship.

It is better to sleep with the same man every night for the rest of my life, whether he gets fat, bald, and wrinkles, than to hope to find someone for the night.

But hey, like I said, maybe I'm just not gay enough to get it.

[John D.]

Open Relationships? Is this what it has come to? People, realize this is not only a hot topic for gays, straights has their own and it's called Swinging. For those who don't know what a swinger is, google it and you will be surprise in the similarities.

Personally speaking, I refuse to engage in an open relationship. My boyfriend and I both understand, respect and agreed that "for us" it's not an option in our relationship. I have always had that belief and so has him.

So I believe, if two people sincerely and truthfully want it than go for it, but NEVER feel pressure to participate thinking that's the only way to keep him or thats the only way to bring sexual excitement back into your realtionship because it's not.

Everyone just needs to respect each other differences and it's nothing wrong with telling the guy you just met, "you are not interested in exclusivity" let him make the decision early on knowing who your truly are as a person and not a fabricated image of who you want to be.

[Tim]

I think every couple is different. My partner and I started out as a monogamous couple. We were monogamous for our first 10 years. The next 3 or 4 years we only played together with a third and only under limited circumstances. Since then we have opened it up more but honestly and trust is the key. We are just about to celebrate our 21st anniversary and we love each other as much as we did the first day.

[HT]

An "open relationship" is neither. It's just a play on words for faux moralizing.

Good luck to those who practice it, but it's your risk for disease and heartache.

[Dan]

"Trust is more important than monogamy"

Everytime you reference to Darren Hayes I get excited. :)

If two people can consent on an open relationship, fantastic, it could potentially work. However, having those third party members can complicate things much quicker.

As said it is all about consent, I won't go for an open relationship so basically if the other party has to have it that way, it'll be sayonara.

[joshua van cruise]

I have never been in an open relationship, but I think I know why it gets to that point. good thing i know how to be monogamous. I wanna stay monogamous, and I want my partner to want the same way. Think about the risk of CONTRACTING SOMETHING, and this is my biggest concern among other concerns. Sharing and passing on what you got is sooooooo uncool, but I love sex! So I rather stick with one person, because I can be sure of a healthy life and not worrying about passing on SOMETHING to others. The reason I think this way is that when I was 18yo (I'm 22yo now) I asked myself this question: "What am I doing to combat HIV/AIDS and other STD infections around the world?" I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

[brainstud681]

I'm impressed with the whole scenario that's presented here, and I'm more bothered by something that is way too much a part of the GLBT community: drama.

An open relationship doesn't have to be hard. It's quite simple really: be monogamous, or don't.

"But, Brainstud, not everything is that black and white!" Maybe not for you, but if you're the person who says that, it's very clear that you like drama in your relationships, so by all means, ignore anything else I'm going to say. For the rest of you who don't know everything and prefer to be open-minded, keep reading. I'm about to keep it simple for you.

If you're the kind of person who likes having more than one person, you are in no way monogamous. You might be pledging your emotions to someone, and he might be your main squeeze, but he isn't your only squeeze. No matter how you try to dress up your relationship as an "open" relationship, it really isn't a monogamous relationship, and if you and your partner choose to be realistic with each other, you'll save yourselves a lot of hassle and even more heartache.

A monogamous relationship by definition means you only have one partner. Trying to make it into anything else is trying fit a square peg into a round hole (no sex jokes, please, lol), and it just won't happen well.

If you have a fear of STD's, monogamy will be your best protector against that. (And, I don't mean serial monogamy, the kind of monogamy that only lasts a week.) Monogamy, like anything else in this world, is only as perfect as the people practicing it, and it's still not a bad idea to keep yourself checked.

So, the answer to eliminating a little drama in your relationship is simple guys: you either are monogamous, or you aren't. There is no in between, and you'll never be able to dress it up and make promiscuous look anything like monogamous.

[Abe]

wow guys .it's been 2 days since i broke up with my BF and the reason that we are no longer together is that I was the one t that wanted a monogamous relationship ,for the past five yrs I tryed to understand way he wanted to venture out of the relationship even all he would tell me that if he would talk to other people about having sex was just a pass time for him cus al tho he talked about sex he would never have sex with this ppl .I finally understood that we had different ways to see monogamy ,so after 5yrs of trying to understand him I finally gave up .all I have to take from this is not that I lost 5yrs to make the relationship work, is that I tryed to make him happy and love him with all my soul . all I hope for him is he will find someone that shares his point of view .

[Bradford Noble]

Ouch Abe!
That sucks to be broken up after a 5ver but rest assured that you had a "successful" relationship.

Really anything past one year is considdered successful, three is substantail, and Five, wow, Five is life changing. They all are life changing but don't think that you "wasted" your time with him. Five years of love is nothing to sneeze at.

You'll find your next relationship to be better. They always get better if you learn from them.

Cheer up. It only really sucks fort the first couple months.

Dating Bradford

[sms]

1. Stay monogamous until you discuss it.

That is the best advice I came upon. I have been with my partner for the last seven years and things are great we have had an open relationship for the last four years, and our number one issue is safety, we both have a vigorous list of requirement someone must meet before being able to sleep with us, and we've discussed our independent requirements and although they differ a bit, they boil down to a few universal things.

1. Be honest and tell whoever your gonna woe for that day, week, month, that your in an open relationship and that he just got picked to entrain us. Believe it or not 97% of my experience most men are a bit more relieved with that, than knowing that someone is out to find a BF or something that either party might not be ready for, most of the time it turn into a term that my partner introduced me to lately something i have never heard a Bromance, although usually reserved for straight males. Occasionally you run into the critic "oh how can you do that, you can call that whatever" or "wow, that like really open minded (silence)" , the rarely but it does happen, "you bitch" yet hey i rather be honest. Me and my partner let it out immediately, before going any further.
&
1. The guy must be Respectable and Clean, safe.

2. We understand that we might catch each other with another guy at times and when that happens we say hi, kiss, and go our separate ways.

3. You have to understand yourself more than your partner really because you have to make your comfortable with yourself before embarking on something like a Open relationship.

and our relationship is going strong I don't doubt anywhere in my heart he loves me, as we both one said its not that we don't love each other we're just not ready to commit sexually to one another yet. We lasted 3 years monogamous before we discussed it.

[Robert]

So from reading all of this, and all the comments, make it simple for yourselves and others in your life and near you. If you are afraid of getting AIDS/STD's or anything like that, well do two things, wear a condom, or don't have sex. Get tested on a regular basis.
I will say this, I have been with my partner for 3 yrs now, and we have brought guys into our bedroom mayb a few times, but even then, we talked about it before hand, and we said to each other, here is what can and cannot happen, we told the guys, and they were ok with it all. We tried that a year ago, and have not done so in a year, because we have found out that sex is not everything. We have great sex on a regular basis, sometimes more than I can handle.
From the start, let your partner know, and get to know your partner, if you don't like things about him, you can TRY and change him, but he wont unless he wants to. He is who and what he is, and you are who and what you are. Either you want someone for the rest of your life, and have sex on a regular basis, and if its not for you, and you want sex with men on a daily basis, then don't get yourself into a relationship. What works for me does not work for all. I will leave you with this, trust him, but being jealous is ok, because that can and sometimes is all the excitement you need. (and although he and I are exclusive, no one else, I still get tested, you never know, and it may not even be from sex...)

[Opinionator]

My spin on this subject is this: people who propose to their partners on an 'open relationship' are just pre-meditated cheaters. Period. What's next, an 'open gay marriage'?

It's one of those moral lapses, you know, about having your cake and eat it too. And hopefully, there will be another faux LGBT town hall meeting on this subject, on how to quantify and qualify it, before gay marriage becomes validated by everyone else - which I think will be soon.

I don't know, it's just sad. It's the state of the LGBT community nowaday.

[sti]

if there wasn't open relationships.. gay.com would go out of business...

[SERIALSEAN]

The only MODERN relationship for me personally is a closed and monogamous one.
I have enough self respect to not allow someone to tell me that I am not good enough on my own or to allow someone else to put my health into jeopardy - which I'm sure even Alex Trebek would agree that you only get one chance with...