Date Killers

Dating is not easy. We have all gotten very excited about an amazing date we had planned. He seems like the perfect guy but by the end of the night we are screaming to get free from this nightmare!

Dates can be killed in many different ways. Here are 6 ways to kill a date. Hopefully you can avoid these date killers and set yourself up for a wonderful second date:

 

Bragging – It is nice to know someone is accomplished or is proud of their achievements. It's when the conversation only revolves around something they can “show and tell” about that it becomes a problem. 

You mention you just bought a new car and they respond by saying, “I just got my second BMW. I like it but I am thinking about trading it in for the new one.”

What did this have to do with your new car? They didn’t ask you about you but made it about them and an opportunity to “brag” about their life. Sure this is a way of trying to impress you (which we will talk about later) but it is a major turn off. No one likes a show off.

Talking too much about your ex – It is time to enjoy the present moment and the opportunity you have right in front of you. But, instead of your date having a conversation with you, they end up spending the time telling you all about their ex. What they hated about them, what they loved about them, and how they are like you and not like you. Your date has just became the “I am not over my ex yet” show.

We all have a past but do we need to be talking about it on the first date? The first date is about getting to know the person you are with. Your focus should be on them and not the guy you are no longer with.

Being Judgmental – Have you ever been on a date and felt like you couldn’t say anything right? You mention how you love the TV show Lost and they say how much they hate it and how Heroes is a much better show. You mention how you enjoy the city in the spring and they mention how fall is really the best time and this is why…

Sometimes we don’t realize we are being judgmental but everyone has their own perspective on what they like or don’t like. On a date, we want to make sure we are being honest but at the same time that we are not sharing our opinions when we do not need to. Like they say, “opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one.”

Acting Overly Sexual – Flirting is great and fun on a date. Being over the top comes off trashy and sometimes disrespectful. This is not a hook up or a one night stand. This is a date to see if there is chemistry and an opportunity for love. Not who can be the raunchiest.

I was on a date where the guy took any chance he could to mention how big his dick was. The steak was not as big as his dick. His big feet were a sign of his big dick. Guys call him all the time about his big dick. Finally I just told him to whip it out and prove it so we could move on. Of course, he turned red and that was the end of the conversation and of course the end of my interest in him…

Too Future Focused – We all want the date to go well. Who doesn’t go into a date hoping for a future? BUT, we have to get through the first date first.

Some guys spend the first date planning your future together. Where you will live, if you want kids, the type of pets you will have, etc. This can scare anyone off.

You also have to be careful not to be too eager. Sometimes you think you are being polite inviting them to a family birthday dinner later that week but it could be moving to fast at this present time.

Trying to Impress – Lastly I feel one of the biggest mistakes you can make is trying to impress the person instead of just being yourself. You want them to like you for who you are, so show them who you are. Be true to yourself and then if they want a second date it is all based on you and not the impressive things you said or did.

Do you want your date to be impressed by you? SURE! But by you and not an act you put on. Yoda said it best, “Do or do not. There is no try!”

Those are 7 of the many date killers out there. I would love for you to share other “date killers” you have experience in the comments section below.

Michael Moniz is a life coach focusing on the LGBT community. His practice helps others with self-image, communication skills, self-leadership and setting and achieving goals. Check Michael's website for more information and to schedule private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life? Send an e-mail to pnohealth@planetoutinc.com

Comments

[Fiore Graves]

This article is a load of crap. The only advice should be to be yourself--if you have to force yourself to act according to these "rules," then how long are you supposed to keep up w/ the act? Once the manners expire and you feel comfortable being yourself, that's when you scare them away, since you turn out to be s/thing they didn't expect.

If the date runs away early, that's the best time.

[maestror]

I think the article is great. You can be yourself, these aren't rules to change who you are, but they are a set of social guidelines that help you to be a better date. It's like standing at the urinal and trying to have a conversation with someone, it's just a social rule to not do that... Bagging about a new car or talking about an ex is another social thing that needs a little bit of a guideline so that we can all behave in an acceptable way.

[bob]

wow. a list of how to pull off those age-old conundrums: common sense and dignity. how did i live before this?

[Matt281988]

i couldn't help but notice the typos....it's Yoda

[Fiore Graves]

Maestror: How superficial of you--and ignorant. You think societal standards of politeness are universal? Your idea of manners at the dinner table, for example, are considered outright rude in many other countries of this world. This is no exception. Being "judgmental," "trying to impress," going "too fast," etc. are all subjective ideas. And some people are just so sensitive/feeble, that anything even bordering on those perceptions would send them running for the hills.

You know what that's called? Incompatibility--you're going to find out sooner or later whether you follow the rules or not.

[David]

I bring my dates to the coffee house I hang out at. I'm big on talking to a potential mate. You can learn a lot about them that way. It's also a good chance to see how they deal with your friends. If they seem put off by people coming up to you to say hi, then you know how they will react in the future. If they are a good sport, and want to meet again, I know there's a chance for something more to happen.

[Griff]

This article is hilarious. How many guys would "lose interest" in a guy that bragged about how big his dick was? Puh-leeze....

[Tone]

Interesting comments guys. I wonder how many of you are still single and yet wanting to be in love?

Manners and common courtesy are universal. Period. Considerate type thinking shows CHARACTER. Say what you want.. but CHARACTER is HOT.

[Visciousdragon]

Greetings. It has come to my attention just now, as I read, that there are many men I would certainly never ever date and most certainly never take on as a date who are filling out a post for this thing. However, you seem to be very one sided folks, as does this article, although the vast majority of the time these ways are what have been proven to work best. Now, it is one-sided due to the fact that not following these ways also works for a number of men as well, but then again we have to look at the idea of this article, which is to provide information on what seems to work best for most folks and to allow other people to read what maybe some of those people wanting to be on that side of things have been messing their dates up with, not about trying to bash it in with a bunch of one-sided comments of people who don't seem to have taken the amount of time to really take in the ideas conveyed of this article. Please show a bit of brain men, because from my standpoint, all of you talking about this article negatively and putting no thought into it really, have no chance at all in seeing my dick or my butt. You fail in my books. Tootles! : )

[Visciousdragon]

By the way, yes it is 'yoda', but if the site itself types that out, well they could get a hefty fine perhaps, and they are much more succeptable than just some individual's site. Therefore, they do have to change it up just a little in the name so some retard who doesn't think how grand it is that yoda's getting mentioned can't slap a lawsuit onto them.

[theself07]

i'm surprised that a lot of people are panning this article. we're all not supposed to follow these guideline accordingly. but by reading each point in the list, i'm sure some of us can reflect on times when a date we setup went totally wrong once we got into because either one of us brought up one of the mistakes listed in the article
how about people who are silent during a date so that you are the one who ends up doing most of the talking just to break the ice. In the process you end up making a fool of yourself and the other person has this smile indicating some sort o victory he had deliberatly planned to accomplish.
and how wants to hear someone talking about their dick size on a date. there are more meaningful things to discuss. sure dick topics can be brought up but all the time? blegh! i hate judgemental people. these people always seem to be make a deliberate point not to agree with anything you have to say.
and the braggers(bullshitters)who know just how much of what they're saying is true, especially if they sound upfront about it.
anyway, I agree with the points made in this list. maybe some of the people venting at this article may had smooth dating experiences, but for some of us, it's usually downhill on the first second.

[Tony]

Who's the man with the dreads in the caption photo i want a date with him...WOO HOO!

[HT]

This article is hilarious. How many guys would "lose interest" in a guy that bragged about how big his dick was? Puh-leeze....

Posted by: Griff | November 28, 2008 at 08:35 AM
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Nothing wrong with having a large willy, but I think you missed the point of the article.

Plus, everyone ages. At one point, something else other than sex becomes a factor -- if people truly want relationships and their own families, of course...

[Lorenzo]

I think he is absolutely right. These are very good pointers. We have all been on either side of the equation. We have done that or had that done onto us. Most importantly, which he denotes, is be yourself. Great article. HOpe many read it.

[BMc]

Just as long as I don't have to sit in yet another pretentious coffee shop while the date gets totally wired on caffeine and thinks that his rapid-fire monologue is of gemlike quality.

[Daniel]

I liked the article. I do think however we should be ourselves on dates so that if we are arrogant creeps we want get a second one. If you are an arrogant creep however who wants a second or third date then take the guys advise so that you can trick your date. For that matter, some of you guys posting comments should really look at the "being too judgmental" one (or being overlay negative). Being able to comment on an article as offered by many websites these days just seems to bring out the negativeness of people. Freedom of speech however says you all can say what you want. Even if you sound unpleasant and over eager to disagree.

[U.B.Preston.]

This one should have been added to the list:

"Showing up DRUNK to the date"

That is atrocious, and unexceptable behavior!

A guy who I had been talking to for a week, invited me to come and meet him for a drink at a bar. Even though I dont prefer to meet guys for dates at a bar, I gladly agreed because I really liked him. I walked into the bar and when I hugged him I did my usual "press my nose against the neck" hug after tip toeing since i'm only 5'7" and he was over 6 foot.

He smelled of liquor and I looked at him w/a puzzled look on my face. He read my expression and said "Ohh, Im sorry I had a few drinks with my dinner right before our date."
I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because I really liked him (HUGE MISTAKE on my part)
We talked for about ten minutes in which he kept telling me how Hot I was and thats WHY he drank so he would feel comfortable and relaxed.
WTF? He continued to tell me how hot I was and we talked briefly about our jobs, and lifestyle, fams etc..

I excused myself to go to the bathroom real quick and by the time I got back he as gone. LOL. (I cannot believe that im laughing now that i'm writing this a month later) I walked outside of the bar and saw him walking towards the train station that I was walking to as well. I tapped him on the back of his head so as to gently give him a light smack, and said "THAT is for leaving without saying goodbye."
I was so pissed! I should have worked up a hand gesture to go with it. lol.

[CT]

I agree with all excepct the one about talking about previous relationships. This may work if you are 25 or even 35, but getting past 40, if you DON'T have relationship history of somekind, that is a major question-mark. Also, IF done correctly and with diplomacy, you can find out SO much about a person from not only what they say about their past, but the WAY they say it....talk about bringing out their TRUE personality when they get going about the ex!

[queerplanet]

Ten tips that ruin a good date.

The date is a Republican.

The date thinks sports on television is fun.

The date thinks being a Christian is fun.

The date thinks being in the military is something great.

The date is heterosexual.

The date has children.

The date is in the closet and want you to be discreet.

The date talks about celebrities and thinks you should know all about them.

The date has Ebola.

The date wants to get married, soon.

[Bill]

OMG. There are people that need this article, but they prolly need a lot more than an article on gay.com. NObody is perfect, but most of the stuff on here could be summarized by saying "Don't be a dick".

[Taylor]

Call me one of those crazy guys out there, but when a guy talks about how big his dick is on a date, that is a major turn off. I guess though that since all most guys want is sex that for some of you its not a big deal.

I for one, can't stand people who always talk about their dicks. Its not your dick that I'm attracted to, its you.

What happened to the days of gentlemen? Reading comments like some of these posted on here is why I am saddened at times to be a gay man.

[maz]

the only date killer for me - he smokes!

[Adam]

Here's the problem. An article like this should never HAVE to be written because you would hope all of this would be common sense. The sad truth however is that there are several guys out there who have committed many of these sins on any one date. It just should be common decency and courtesy and, while dates can be a little nerve wracking sometimes, if you are calm, cool, polite, and yourself, odds are that, even if passion doesn't ignite, you'll still have a decent time. (And by the way, if polite isn't part of "who you are", you will probably experience a multitude of bad dates because nothing kills the mood more than bad manners...unless you both have them, in which case...oy)

[Tom]

I have to agree. There is a complete lack of courtesy in the gay community, hell, in the dating community in general.

Let's not forget these same people who are so childish they can't return a phone call and say "Thank you, but I'm not interested in hanging out" and just play the game of never returning the phone call. The same thing on gay.com and match.com of people who are too lazy or cowards to send an e-mail expressing the same feelings.

You know who you are. You don't deserve to go on dates being so thoughtless.

[Jeff]

I totally agree with you, thanks for the advice!

[TomB]

The same thing on gay.com and match.com of people who are too lazy or cowards to send an e-mail expressing the same feelings.<

Uh, no. If I say I want guys in my own generation (I'm 24) and you're 45 and IM me, or you say DDF only and Im poz, I shouldnt have to respond.

[Pipesmoke]

Maybe part of our gay dating problem is that so many men are in the closet during the teenage years when our straight counterparts learn the rules of the road in dating, so gay men learn them much later in life.
I actually had a date come back from the restroom once and just whipped out his hard dick in the restaraunt and flopped it on the table. I gave a smirky chuckle, got up and walked out.
I try to give a realistic impression of my self, and hope they are pleasantly surprised.
A big no no to me is when they ask early on what I do for a living, and how much money do I make. I usually say something like "oh, I already have a tax man, but if you need a job, I hear McDonald's is hiring".

[Kidd Kasper]

These are good tips. But, if these are things that someone needs to work on, they may need more help than what this article offers.

Though I don't get into bragging or being too sexual on a first date (me or them) I sometimes will sometimes ask a date why an ex is an ex or if someone wants children, etc to try to get a better sense of the guy. But, that's just me.

[BrodyR]

Jeez, you guys get so riled up over these articles. The way I see it, if your potential date makes a good friend, then he'll eventually make a good boyfriend. I like to make friends with the guys first before we start goin on dates, so i usually invite them to come hang out with me and my friends, and will hang out with him and his friends inturn... problem is, i only did this once... and he ended up cheatin on me. But im still young, still lots of years to get a guy. haha. But, ya, good article. Good pointers. And I agree that some of these things seem general common sense manners. And as a comment to the very first guy to comment; I don't know what culture you come from, but i really don't think this article is ignorant. Those pointers really ARE common sense between most cultures.

[Brandon]

Most people on here don't seem to realize the underlying point the author of this article is trying to make: social etiquette and decorum are pretty much lacking these days and most people don't know how to really act on a date. He is not telling you that you can't talk about your ex, but don't keep talking about your ex the whole time or how bad your past relationships have been. It's unattractive and uncomfortable for the other person. Hearing someone comment repeatedly about how big they are is tactless and annoying. Once or twice for the sake of generating some sexual interest is fine, but doing it repeatedly shows that you have nothing else to offer the other person.

Lastly, another subtle point the writer is trying to make is that you break people in slowly on the first date. No one wants to hear your entire life story the first time meeting. Most people need time to adjust and digest things. It's not "tricking" the other person to hold back some on the first or second date. You are allowing the person to get comfortable with you before you start laying everything out there. Knowing everything about a person, and experiencing "the whole package" on the first date is overwhelming for most anyone. Not to mention it shows that the other person has no sense of self-restraint and will probably cause embarrassment to yourself (and possibly friends and family) in the future.

You can be yourself on a first, second, or whatever number date you are on, but you got to remember that you gradually let the person get to know you and see if their interest is mutual.

[Kevin]

Along the same lines as talking about an ex: talking about a celeb/friend/other guy in the room who's hot. It's just rude.

And unless you are a doctor on-call or in some equally time-sensitive position in life...please turn your cell phone completely off, if only for the hour we'll be sitting down to dinner together.

[Derrick]

I think that this article is true to a point but also false, Bragging about yourself on a constant basis is a complete turn off I know this because I do it so often, I have to stop and think its not about me, its about Him, and give the person a chance to talk without the I this remark because nobody wants to hear all about one person its a two sided story. As far as Having a big dick because it seems to have such an Impact on this article for most people. That is a definate turn off and If brought up in a conversation you know its best to just walk away. Thats just Not right. Ok and as far as Being yourself thats just right on! Being yourself is the key to making the date be more successful for future times together. Claming up and being "Fake" as one would say is a sure fire way to lose it. Be yourself and let the conversation flow as if you had known this person your whole life. Be Confident and cool, If someone doesnt like you for who you are then fuck them, they have no place in your life. We all need Improvement.

[HT]

I agree with all excepct the one about talking about previous relationships. This may work if you are 25 or even 35, but getting past 40, if you DON'T have relationship history of somekind, that is a major question-mark. Also, IF done correctly and with diplomacy, you can find out SO much about a person from not only what they say about their past, but the WAY they say it....talk about bringing out their TRUE personality when they get going about the ex!

Posted by: CT | November 28, 2008 at 02:58 PM
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It's rather like getting a job; the employer wants x years of experience and most are fresh out of college, "overqualified", or "too old" - ageism rocks too...

And by and large you're right; most people aged 40 who have no dating experience must all be serial killers. Some choose not to date, are autistic, or have other INNOCENT reasons why they don't have as many dates.

[HT]

Be Confident and cool, If someone doesnt like you for who you are then fuck them, they have no place in your life. We all need Improvement.

Posted by: Derrick | November 29, 2008 at 11:18 AM
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Awesome response; thank you much for posting.

HT

[Patrick]

With my limited experience (by choice) with dating or even trying to get to know someone online or even in person it seems the other person always seems too hung up on sex. "Are you a top or bottom", "what do you get into", all those questions. Thats a huge turnoff for me as Ive always been a LTR type of guy and will continue to be. I let them know up front not to expect anything sexually as its not going to happen but for some reason the subject is always pushed on me. Just give me a man whos self confident, smart, and who cares about himself. Physical, mental, emotional and spritual health is also very important. Only when 2 people have similar ideas as to what the foundation of their relationship is based on is the only time it has the greatest potential to be successful. Unfortunately for most people (gay or straight) both parties are on totally different pages or in completely different stages of life.

[EddeeBee]

This article is exactly correct in every aspect. I hate nothing more than hearing all thru the dinner about the date's ex and what he did wrong and so on and so on. Who cares? Not me for sure. If anything I want to hear about who I am DATING- what are his good points? What does he do well? Sure- I might even wish to hear about his bad points too! But NOT about his ex! How is the ex even a factor? Makes sense!

[Guilty]

Guilty as charged im guilty of at least 4 out of 6 at least... that could be why im single thank you for opening my eyes

[Brent]

Ok... first off, if I was out on a date with a guy that was bragging about how big his Dick is... I would not mind at all as long as I can hit it later on! The rude part is bragging and then not letting me hit it. (at least I'll get something out of that night) LOL.

Second, STFU about your EX... your here for me Bitch, this is a date... I'm not your fuckin counselor.

Third, we aren't married, stop forcing me to adopt kids! and FGS stop being a whiney Bitch.

Fourth, stooooop the fuckin bragging PLEEEEASE, I really don't give a shit! I really just want to know about YOU the REAL YOU. I do not have any happy face stickers to put on your paper.

an last, I thought this article (for the most part) is right on the $$$... for those who disagree, GTF outta my face, you disgust me! ;)

Thanks.

[Brian]

No one mentioned my top pet peeve - the Phone Whore. You know, the guy who keeps receiving text messages over the course of the date... ugh. Again, though, this is just a matter of general courtesy - as with the other items, shouldn't really need an article...

[Ralph]

Jeff & Tom:

Also agree! The gay community sucks, not sexually but as people. Have a meet and if you don't wear their type of clothing, listen to their type of music, believe in their thoughts, you are nothing! Invisible!

Just about all of society today only care about themselves. Manners and giving of one's self isn't found much anymore. The article is for those that "can't" conduct themselves in a reasonable manner. I personally would love to find someone I could share a the rest of my life with (again). If Only!

No more mind games!