Dating Bradford: Punched Back

Returning home from a Miami photo shoot to over 90 responses to my article
"Punched in the gut" surprised me. When I go through difficult realizations about today's dating world, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in my confusion.

I read all 90-something responses from my Gay.com readers, and chose a few to elaborate on.

tomriddlesmate:

"Oh, come on! He is a lawyer. A thousand guys want to marry him because of his income. It is safer for him to keep people at arm's distance and have fun. Boo hoo. The Valentines phone call indicates to me that you were not really listening to
him. You didn't hear what he was saying. Casual ... fun ... informal."

Well, you see Tom, if I were a gold digger, I might be one of those "thousand guys wanting to marry him because of his income." Only I'm not. I just happened to like that he had a job -- and his own credit cards, for a change.

Oh, and seeing as how I met him at gay speed-dating event, (a tragically desperate ploy to get socially inept people to meet) he must have given his multitudes the slip that night.

Safe at arm's distance? Was I fucking an axe murderer? I'm long past thinking that keeping someone at arm's distance is fun. Fun for me is no distance between my arms, because that space is filled with a guy I like.

ohionative:

"I have experienced many of the things you talked about in your article, including the slut comment. I wonder if gay men are capable of emotional intimacy. I include myself in that. After I told a man I loved him with all my heart -- in front of a group of our friends and family -- he responded by thanking me for providing him with the opportunity to go to college. Needless to say, it wasn't the response I was hoping for. I haven't let a man get emotionally close to me since, and I established the one-year rule. That means we date and get to know each other for a year before establishing any commitment, such as living together, or any type of ceremony. No one has lasted longer than six months."

Ohio, the answer is that you are capable of emotional intimacy. This is proved by your past experience of being in love with that man. If you were capable of sharing yourself intimately before, you can do it again. Perhaps you might find it easier, and have a higher success rate, if you relax your rules a bit and allow it to happen in ways you might not expect.

Maybe telling the guy you "loved him with all your heart," embarrassed him in front of all those people, and he stuck his foot in his mouth. Being a Sagittarian, I could write a cookbook on toe sandwiches. Sometimes we aren't reading from the same script as our loved ones.

I used to follow the "one-year rule" myself. Then I had a relationship which began with a business meeting on Sunday -- and five years later we had spent less than a week in separate beds. This kind of insta-boyfriend had never happened before (or since), but in today's world, a fiver is a success story. Sometimes you take a tumble down the escalator at Macy's, and land in the big red shopping bag of your next lover.

Brie987:

... My situations, for the most part, are always drawn out, with fewer phone calls or communication -- until finally, no communication. I always feel kind of unfulfilled and empty. I feel like I worked on this really great project but never got a grade for it. 'What was the point?' I ask myself. So I would rather a punch in the gut. At least I know my grade, even if it is an F. I can then move on to the next project, hopefully with a better grade."

Grade school, like love school, is full of bullies and endless exercises that "teach us to grow." Aside from forgetting all the boring history, playing spin the bottle at recess is always the most fun!

bruce-77346:

"Dude! Way too fast -- and sex? Well, that's what you got! Can't say much if you are in love after two good orgasms. Back to the drawing board!"

Um, yeah, well. What can I say? Sometimes sex happens at warp speed on the first date, and sometimes it never happens after many dates. Personally, I don't often regret having had sex with a guy I think is hot. What I do often regret is NOT having sex with them because 10 million things got in between us before we got down to getting naked. When that happens, I am forever left thinking, "I wonder if he is a good kisser" instead of, "Ugh! That guy was a toad tongue."

crazedbyme:

"... It took me a few years to realize that there's nothing like a 'gay relationship.' There's 'fuck buddies,' there's 'two guys who find each other compatible,' but I doubt there is anything like relationship in the gay world. Maybe, just maybe that's why the 'right' sexual orientation is still hetero. Most gay men are childish, too..."

Whoa, Nellie! Or can I even call you that after that "right" sexual orientation comment? The right sexual orientation is the one that gets you hard, and a relationship with any two people is what you make it. So there! Here's tanbark in your eye!

hkgrendall:

"Unfortunately I've been too many times on the lawyer's side: meeting someone, having fun, and wanting to go at my own pace when someone jumps right in to that relationship thing. Even the slightest hint of a relationship freaked me out. I just wanted to be with someone I'm really comfortable with -- and I did find that. That first date with this special person I recall we both said how comfortable we felt. That was it. Three months before 'I like,' and six months before we used the big L word. Five years of wonderfulness. Relationships have to be natural on both sides. Here's the point: Some people say relationships are hard, I say that the wrong relationships are hard. The right ones are pretty easy."

The first date I had with the lawyer we both said "how comfortable" we felt with each other. The fact that we had just fucked and were lying naked, covered in various and sundry items, might have swayed that sentiment, but perhaps in the right direction -- since so often men get cold and distant after they cum, no matter how many dates they've been on.

If you are one of the lucky ones to have had an easy time in a relationship, then you are a minority in a minority. Most people don't find the usual relationship "growing pains" to be easy at all. This is not to say they are without rewards -- but easy? I don't buy it. For the most part, ALL relationships take work. Many people understand this, but many more are unwilling to put in the time and effort to make it work.

TonyVoyager:

Bradford, you did nothing wrong except fall for a guy who didn't return your feelings. Your hopes were high and got dashed, and it came as a shock. Hence the gut-punch. Don't blame your ability to feel warm and close to someone -- that is a beautiful quality. And don't let it poison your dreams of finding 'the one.' Will you be gut-punched again? Probably, but I recall the wise words of a gay elder who said the heart is designed to be broken, over and over again, but always heals itself.

The roller coaster of romance is a wild ride of emotions. The best way to get through it is to throw your arms in the air and scream. If you never take a chance on growing feelings, you will forever be too short to ride the ride.

blairdevilish:

I think we have a tendency because of movies to romanticize the whole notion of love. We see these couples fall in love, and supposedly live happily ever after in an hour and 45 minutes. It doesn't happen that way. Rationally, we know this, but still hold out hope.

Hope is the key word that I live by. Since I seem to have no problem falling off that limb with Shirley McClaine, Hope is the bitch who breaks my fall. Sorry, Hope, though you catch all my stage dives, I still use you as my crutch as I limp through the crowd.

There are less-healthy addictions, I think, than Hope.

Thank you all for your awesome feedback. The positive ones made me smile, and the negative ones made me laugh.

Look for me next week when I pose the question: How have you handled the "double take," and what were the results?

(Photo: Bradford Noble)